Dionne Warwick just rolled over in her grave.

submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
They also have "Thirsty Thursdays", where draft beer is just $1.00

Also, take a close look at the picture. I swear the guy is throwing rock 'n roll devil horns in the air. "The Prophet's House where God Reigns and Wicked Guitar Solos are Wailed"
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"Upward soccer"? That sounds hard.
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"Heaven can't wait, Jesus needs you now!"
submitted by new contributor Sam Johannek
Look, just tell Him I will take any color tile in my mansion, and I wouldn't mind the maple cabinets. Thanks.
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"Honk if you love peace and quiet"
submitted by Tim C.
The church secretary, whose office window faces the road, just loves this sign.
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"Love life and life will love you"
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Jamie
Nice sentiment! Alternatively, there's this completely opposite sentiment that Jesus Himself espoused.
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"God doesn’t have problems. He has plans."
submitted by frequent contributor Beau S.
But....you're not in them. Sorry!
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"God will guide you through the rapids of change."
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC
Come to think of it, some of those white-water guides do look an awful lot like Jesus.

WOOOHOOO! Big drop ahead, dudes!!
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Humor-blogs.com doesn't have problems. It has plans.

Keep 'em coming.

Preferably a noose.

Be specific, though. He does a horrible Windsor knot.
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Thankfully tomorrow's "always a day away", so I shouldn't have to worry about it too much.
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submitted by frequent contributor Christine, VA
Take, for example, how the Israelites "progressed" into the Promised Land.

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submitted by frequent contributor Christine, VA

...because nobody else bore it for you.

What a horrid sign. They couldn't have thought about that at all before putting it up.

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submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.
I've reviewed a version of this before ("7 days without (insert Christian thing here) makes one weak"), Adam and I just never realized before that it's GOD who actively goes about making one weak.

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"Attend church weekly, not weakly"

But I thought if I attended church then God wouldn't make me weak!

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"One today is worth two tomorrows"

submitted by frequent contributor Christine, VA

Are they wanting to trade me? Can I toss in a couple of yesterdays that I'm not too crazy about?

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"Be kind to your enemies. After all, you made them!"

submitted by new contributor Sharon, Wellington, NZ
The same is true for your hordes of evil minions. Be kind to them. After all, you made them.

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Humor-blogs.com and bear it.

Keep 'em coming.

Get CCS gear here.

Just a regular ol' Snarker.

I'm back at the Snark again today, this time with a letter to a Crummy Driver.

This marks my first post as an official regular contributor at the Snark. Look for more snarkiness from me on a more regular basis. Or something like that.

Back tomorrow with more crumminess!

Keep 'em coming.

Made Him Blink!

From the Bette Midler school of theology.
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At each other's throats the other 364 days of the year.

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"Looking for a life lifegaurd? Ours walks on the water."

submitted by new contributor Sam Sarkissian, CA
Well I guess that's not much help if I'm drowning underwater, is it?

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"God the builder: Can He fix it? Yes He can!"

submitted by Rowan McAlpine, Wellington, NZ

Next week's sign: "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Uhhh...."

(By the way the above church sign from New Zealand is referencing the theme song to the kids' show "Bob The Builder", for those of you unfamiliar with kids' shows. You're on your own to figure out the snarky comment.)

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Can humor-blogs.com fix it? No, it can't.

Shirts.

Submissions.

"Forget", "Remember"...same thing.

submitted by new contributor Lacy Hornbeck, NC

Yes. We certainly wouldn't want to remember that.

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"Join the CIA: Christians In Action."

submitted by Marnie P., MI

As opposed to the more traditional "Christian Inaction".

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"Never borrow sorrow from tomorrow!"
Shoot, I keep meaning to give that back. I think it's in my shed, right next to my neighbor's leaf blower.

Oh well, I guess that means tomorrow will be without sorrow.

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"Jesus invested his life in yours - have you shown any interest?"
Does appreciating daily count?
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And finally, this isn't a church sign in the traditional sense, but John Stuart sent this in from Montreat, and I found it amusing:

"And He walks with me, and He talks with me, and He tells me I am his own. And the smokes we share as we tarry there......"

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No smoking at humor-blogs.com either

Keep 'em coming.

Next Week: "My Three Sons"...wait, that's not going to work...

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Happy Father's Day, everyone. Props to Duane for the post title today.
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submitted by new contributor Kristin Howell, MO

I've heard they're in the market for some new folks to help out in the nursery...

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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Chuck S.
Another church hits new Lowe's.

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"It is a wise father who knows his own son."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen
I dare them to set the bar for "wisdom" any lower.

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"Just Jew It."

submitted by new contributor Sean Quiqley, WI

...with our new sneakers, "Air Jordan Rivers".

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That last one marks the first sign from a Synagogue. I have now received signs from a mosque, a snynagogue, A Buddhist temple, a surf shop, a tattoo shop, and a few hundred churches. Jamie also sent me one from a mechanic this week, but it was a message I had already reviewed ("An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind"...I believe my review back in the day was something along the lines of "At least then we wouldn't be subjected to these church signs." There, I just reviewed it again. Add an auto mechanic to the list.)

Humor-blogs.com knows best.

Keep 'em coming.

Not exactly Calvinists, are they?

submitted by frequent contributor Christine, VA
Shoot! I bet the farm on "Huey, Dewey, and Louie".
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submitted by frequent contributor Christine, VA
I might be on a journey... or I might be like the author of this sign and just tripping.

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"A rut is a grave with both ends kicked out."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX

And happiness is a church sign with both sides kicked out.

Joel's note: Isn't the top missing from the grave as well? So basically, a rut is a quarter-grave? Just the floor part? Isn't that true of a lot of things?

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"If evolution really works, then why do mothers only have 2 arms?"

submitted by new contributor Thomas O'Neill

Better argument against evolution: The fact that somebody managed to think this sign was a good idea.

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"It is easier to get older than to get wiser"

submitted by new contributor Erica Crump, FL

Was this point really ever up for debate? Who was arguing the opposite case here?

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LOTS of new contributors over the past little while. Thanks for coming aboard, everyone! Remember to keep 'em coming!

It's easier to get humor-blogs.com than to get wiser.

I may be making a mole hill out of a mountain here...

submitted and asst. reviewed by new contributor Craig Schuler, PA
...but I think they got that backwards.

Props to Craig for the today's post title. Welcome aboard. Craig also notes that the sign has been like this for two weeks. Sigh.
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submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
Fundamentalists?
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submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
...Batman!
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submitted by new contributor Jake Minton, AR
Actually, I'm pretty sure that was only a part of the Old Covenant.

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"Victories never come at bargain prices."

submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Beau Sorrell, MN

From the George Steinbrenner school of theology.

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"Today's tall oak is yesterday's nut that held its ground."

submitted by new contributor Stephanie Spruill, NC

So hold your ground, you nut.

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"Satan pays in counterfeit."

submitted by new contributor Lisa Langendorfer, OH

That sucks, because he just landed on Park Place and I have two hotels on it.

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"Three things important in life: Be Kind, Be Kind, Be Kind"

submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Greg Wilson

And the greatest of these is....?

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"Those who sow with thorns should not walk barefoot."

submitted by frequent contributor Joy C., NC

Those who sow with thorns are some seriously craptastic gardeners.

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"You cannot move a mountain by staring at it."

submitted by frequent contributor Joy C., NC

Everyone knows you have to ask it nicely.

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"Jesus is the everlasting technology that will never become obsolete."

submitted by frequent contributor Joy C., NC

...and Bill Gates just tried to patent Him.

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Humor-blogs.com is the everlasting technology that will never become obsolete.

Keep 'em coming.

Get Crummy Church Signs gear here.

Bringing Snarkyback

Once again they're bringing in a bench warmer to pinch-hit for the clean-up batter.

I'm back at The Snark today with another letter. This time, it's to that person at the grocery store. Yeah, you know the one.

Also, I have added a fourth shirt to my Zazzle store. This one is special for all of you who have been dubbed "frequent contributors". Or those of you who wish you were dubbed "frequent contributors". Or those of you who just like how "frequent contributors" looks on a shirt. Check out the store here.

Keep 'em coming (which appears on the aforementioned shirt as well).

Crummy Church Sign Shirts Now Available

You didn't ask for them! But here they are anyhow! Visit the new Crummy Church Sign Store at Zazzle to order Crummy Church Sign T-Shirts. Available in black, grey, navy, forest green, and dark red.

So far 3 designs are available, and I will add more later if these seem to amuse you all.

The first design features the slogan of this whole operation: "Critical Analyses of Critically Bad Church Signs"

The second one says "600+ Church Signs CAN be wrong."

...and the final one says "It's not that God doesn't have a sense of humor. It's that he has a GOOD one."

The bottom of this page has my store and features all of my shirts for sale. Or you can bookmark this link. If you don't feel a purchase is in order, one can hardly blame you. However, if you feel like ranking my shirts highly because you like them, that wouldn't hurt my feelings! Remember, they're customizable to more colors than just black.

These shirts also signify a transition...along with the blog's new layout and design. I will eventually be switching everything over to this blog, and www.crummychurchsigns.com will redirect here. The old blogspot.com address will work here as well, but the dedicated address will just point to the blog.

The reasons the archives are going away are: 1) I don't have time to update them and 2) The web design sucks, as was so helpfully pointed out by "anonymous" in the comments section here a while back. He may not have had the stones to own up to his constructive criticism...but that doesn't mean he was wrong.

I think this blog can handle everything the old archives did. Sure, the Hall of Fame and Trophy Room are going away, but isn't it more fun to look through the old posts anyhow? Isn't it? Anyone?!?

Any feedback on the shirts is appreciated. Feel free to use the comments section. Is there any interest in T-shirts that have a lame slogan along with my snarky response? I personally think those would be awkward, but whatever.

I beat humor-blogs.com to having T-Shirts.

Keep 'em coming.

Enjoy Success by Redefining It

submitted by new contributor Jamie Martinez, FL

The complete opposite of Prosperity Gospel preaching. Maybe too far in the other direction?
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submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC
So now you're telling me my wife owns me and I didn't even make her pay enough?
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submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC

Coming next Sunday: "Mary and your ovary". The following Sunday: "Jesus and your...."

Never mind.

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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC

So...wine, not beer. Gotcha.

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"My way is the Highway -God"

submitted by new contributor Jamie

Well I wish God would get all of those orange barrels out of my way.

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"Go against the grain of God's law and you will get splinters."

submitted by new contributor Mary C.

...for this is the first commandment with promise.

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"Download your worries, upload peace."

submitted by new contributor Mary C.

Or, become a Christian and do the complete opposite.

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And, finally, a non crummy sign brought to us by our popular frequent contributor Nickie A. from Alabama.

From the looks of things, she's not "Nickie A." anymore.

Congratulations, Nickie!!

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Download humor-blogs.com. , upload laughs. Or something like that.

Keep 'em coming.

...and the greatest of these is "balance".

submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Do they have Lady Justice on their steeple instead of a cross?
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“Our God is stronger than the world’s God.”
submitted by new contributor Shannon U, CO
My daddy can beat your daddy! Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!
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"At the end of your rope? Take the hem of His garmet."
submitted by new contributor Amanda M., GA
...to make myself more rope? Wouldn't that leave Him naked?

By the way, "garmet": Is that French? Pronounced "gar-may"? Did Jesus really wear French clothing?!?
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"Save yourself! Time can't be saved - anyway?"
submitted by new contributor Amanda M., GA
Yes, the cornerstone, foundational belief of the gospel: Save yourself.

Sigh.

What point were they trying to make, anyways? I dare them to make the punctuation more - awkward?
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"God's refueling station"
submitted by new contributor Amanda M., GA
With all of the positive feelings towards fuel and refueling these days, this sign is sure to draw people in.
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Humor-blogs.com is stronger than the world's God.

Keep 'em coming.

You don't count your blessings when you're sittin' at the table...

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Please rise and turn to #427 in the "Kenny Rogers Hymnal".
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submitted by frequent contributor Scott Dowling, TN
Walmart: Always low-quality sermons. Always.
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submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
This isn't a church sign, I just thought it was funny. And all along I thought He was a carpenter.
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"Laziness and poverty are cousins"

pointed out by Ironic Catholic. Seen here on Flickr.

Jacob (the sign's photographer) does a nice job deconstructing this sign on the Flickr site. I don't feel I need to add too much. This one makes me more sad than angry. How far the church has strayed from Christ's message and earthly ministry...

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"The Bible is more up to date than tomorrow's paper."

submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Mile High Pixie, CO

As an added bonus, it contains tomorrow's lottery numbers, too!

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"God didn't do it all in one day - what makes you think you can?"

I don't think it's a matter of "time" that's keeping me from creating the entire cosmos.

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Bethany from Unneccessary Quotation Marks (along with a number of other readers) passed along this article from Slate about the history of church signs. Thanks, all!

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Laziness and humor-blogs.com are cousins.

Keep 'em coming.

Snarkin'

In an effort to fill some really big shoes, I am guest posting over at Central Snark today. Check out my letter to the person in front of me at a concert last week.

Thanks, as always, to my wonderful friends at the Snark.

Hope you enjoy...back with more signs tomorrow.

Keep 'em coming.

Start your very own prison ministry...

submitted by new contributor Heather
"Jesus loves the little children..."
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submitted by frequent contributor Micah L., MN
Well that's nice. At least this way, when they're done "touching everyone for Jesus" they can deliver them flowers afterwards.
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submitted by frequent contributor Micah L., MN
Please, just keep your eyes open if you're driving.

This must be the 20th different submitted sign that likens praying to a phone or cell phone. It wouldn't surprise me if there were another one this post.
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submitted by frequent contributor Micah L., MN

Yup.

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submitted by Indie Davis, TN
Msg. from the thief: What part of Romans 12:14 don't you get?

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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix, AL

Is this church having a fund raising drive for Flux Capacitors?

McFly!

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"Download your worries, get online with God."

submitted by new contributor Michael G., MO

I think this sign contracted a virus. I don't know about you, but I download things that I want.

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"If you're not asking for God's forgiveness you are asking for it."

submitted by new contributor Anjanette Eash

Finally! The Gospel in an easy-to-understand nutshell!

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"Death to a Christian is a transfer to the home office."

submitted by new contributor Anjanette Eash

Death to a non-Christian is like a transfer to the Scranton Branch.

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"God and Braveheart: What do they have in common?"

submitted by new contributor Abram H., NV

Besides the fact that they'd both improve their image if Mel Gibson wasn't involved?

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I realized after I updated my template that it is pretty darn similar to my counterpart Peter's at Stupid Church Signs. Sorry, Peter. It wasn't at all intentional. There must be something about this template that screams "Use me for church signs". I might tweak my colors a bit to differentiate the two.

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Touch everyone for humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

A Fun Find

Look at what I found. An open letter from the President of Signs Plus, a company that makes church marquee signs. He mentions this website! Great fun. I like the content of the letter a great deal, too. It's not that the idea is inherently bad. Just the execution, for the most part.

Also, hope everyone likes the new look of the place. I thought it was about time for some sprucing up.

Have a good weekend!