Sign For The Dumped.

submitted by Rachel, TX (SpookyRach's Blog)
Yeah, He won't lose any sleep over it. As a matter of fact, He's already over it. You know what? He was gonna dump you anyhow. I even heard He was seeing other people. He has a lot of positive characteristics that are going to be attractive to a lot of people, and if you can't see that, then He doesn't need you. When you get out there and start seeing other people, then you'll see what you're giving up. Then you'll be sorry. You'll come crawling back, but then it will be too late because He will have moved on. Quite honestly, I can't even believe it lasted this long....

This church obviously has no Calvinist tendencies whatsoever.

Notice another upside-down "M" substituting as a "W".

I also think it's funny that this church can't decide which avenue it is located on.

Props to Ben Folds for the inspiration for the post title.

Bring 'em on.

"Out on the limb is where the fruit grows"

submitted by Cheryl and Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I suppose this is encouraging us to go "out on a limb" so we can "get the fruit".....but isn't that what Adam and Eve did?


More! More!

"Increase in Favor and Miracles"

submitted by Wes Kenney, OK. Sign from Mt. Pleasant, TX
It's time for 20 Questions with the author of this sign!

1. Do I get this increase just by driving past this sign?
2. How many times do I have to drive past?
3. Favor with whom?
4. Did you mean "flavor" instead?
5. Can I pick my flavor?
6. Sour Cream 'n Onion?
7. Prailines 'n Cream?
8. Not "Flavor"? Oh. My bad.
9. What category of miracles?
10. Like Water into Wine?
11. Or like the Blessed Virgin in my french toast?
12. 'Cause, quite honestly, I'm not really interested in that last type of miracle.

(SORRY, #12 wasn't a question).

12. How much of an "increase" can I hope for? Greater than 50%?
13. So I actually have to attend the church to get this increase?
14. Oh. Why doesn't it say so on your sign?

(SORRY, #14 wasn't a "yes" or "no" question.)

14. How many times do I need to attend?
15. These miracles and increases are GUARANTEED?
16. What about all those Christians in Africa who are suffering? Did God lie to them?
17. I'm just saying, if Christianity is all about increase and favor and miracles, what about Christians in other parts of the world (or other parts of history) who have suffered? Did God lie to them?
18. Would you like to change your sign now?
19. You were gonna ask me for money when I attended, weren't you?
20. Wouldn't it be a pretty cool miracle if we could change our flavor? Heh heh.

And, my answer upon the conclusion of 20 questions, is that this sign SUCKS.

Keep 'em coming.

"Don't go through life, grow through life."

submitted by David Finch, DC
Yeah, why not? Mikey likes it.

"I was going to waste, but then Jesus recycled me."

submitted by Livvie Bee, Bristol, England (Livvie's blog)
2 Corinthians 5:17: "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation...actually, he is more like a recycled creation, looks new but really made out of the same old material."

Psalm 40:3: "He put a new song in my heart....actually, it was more like a crappy remake of an old classic than a really "new" song, but hey, if we have a computer polish up the crappy parts we can probably sell a few thousand albums or so."

Look, if all Jesus did was recycle me, then he really didn't do a whole &#^% of a lot, did He? If I am recycled it means I made up of the same old sinful parts. I think when Paul says "new creation", he means it.

Most of my reviews don't contain so much "theology" (har), but this sign was bad enough for me to break out the Strong's Concordance. I'll continue with the quick hits next time.

Thanks to Livvie for a submission from somewhere other than the deep American south. This makes the 4th different country with submissions (US, Canada, Australia, England). Maybe it's time to expand the Map of Crumminess?

Keep 'em coming.

Are you saying that it SHOULD be??

both signs submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL















Patriotism gone WAY to far? A nifty craft time for kids? Or a new style of Sunday morning worship? Come to our church and see!
----------------------------------------------
(Same sign, other side)















So, I suppose this is to answer the other side of the sign? Here are my questions:
1. Really, how many people in Alabama can read Hebrew? Not many, until they start printing Hebrew advertisements on NASCAR drivers. (Sorry, Alabama, I would've said the same thing about Tennessee....)
2. Which Jew: Sammy Davis Jr.? Jerry Seinfeld? Or should I just consider "the Jew" in general?

I think the sign says "Jesus is Messiah", but c'mon, couldn't it have been written in English to serve more passers-by? Looks like somebody took a correspondence course and had to show off what he/she learned.

Keep 'em coming.

"Need men of integrity, not popularity"

Please tell me God is not so desperate that He is resorting to personal ads:
"TG seeks N/S N/D MOINP for LTR. "

Anyone caring to guess what the personal ad might stand for can do so in the comments section. I will post my answer later on.

"Come get your freak on for Jesus"

submitted by Wes Kenney, via the Purgatorio website (picture included)
To the pastors of this church, I offer this link: Ouch, betcha wish you knew this beforehand.

---------------------------------------------















submitted by Miss Kitty from Educated and Poor. Sign from LaGrange, GA
Why can't he just send me a note so I can check "yes" or "no", like everyone else does? This sign and sentiment only appeal to kids so young that they can't read yet, so it doesn't really serve a purpose.
----------------------------------------------














submitted by Dave Birdwhistell
You mean hiding in houses, trying to escape persecution from Roman soldiers?
----------------------------------------------

"God is always online, never a busy signal."
submitted AND reviewed by Kelly Quinn
FINALLY! God got DSL.

"Seven days without prayer makes one weak."
submitted AND reviewed by David Finch, DC
And seven words on this church sign make it weak.
(I have already reviewed this sign somewhere on here, but David's is better, so there it is.)

Thanks for your patience waiting for an update, but that first one alone has got to make it worth it!

Keep 'em coming.

Updates begin again next week....

I have received some absolutely horrible signs that I can't wait to review, but I'm on vacation and won't be able to update next week. Keep sending them in, and check in again around the 13th.....

"Be the soul patrol for Jesus"

submitted by Kyle Evans. Sign from Boaz, Alabama
Okay, Jesus! I am ON THE JOB:

Found some soul!

And some more!

Here's more!

This guy's got some serious soul!

However, there is absolutely NO soul to be found here.

Okay, Jesus, you just let me know if you need me to find more soul. I am ON PATROL. Can I get a T-Shirt?


Funny also that Kyle points out the church this came from was Sonrise Baptist. They not only have a Crummy Church Sign, they have a Crummy Church Name.

"You tough enough to show up, we tough enough to tell you the truth."

submitted and reviewed by Kelly Quinn
Apparently, Mr. T. is now Reverend T.

Keep 'em coming

"Jesus is the rock that doesn't roll."

submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Try telling that to these guys.

"You can trust the Bible. Come Sunday and find out how."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Umm....do you think they meant to put "how" at the end of that? Perhaps "why" is what they meant?

"The key to knowing Jesus is...relationship."
submitted by Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
A key to a crummy church sign is....ellipses.
Also, can I get an article in front of relationship, please? A? The? Any?


Also, I have rather reluctantly joined the MySpace community, in case anyone is interested. Mostly, I will use it as a vehicle to subject the world to more of my old band's music. Go listen, download, make friends, play nice. If anyone wants to help me make it not look ridiculous, feel free to contact. Link: http://www.myspace.com/joelbezaire
I will keep it linked on the right also.

Keep 'em coming.

"Join us Sunday: Can't or Won't?

Write a church sign that makes sense: Can't or Won't?



Quick 'n dirty. Keep 'em coming.

Really? You really meant to put that on your sign?

submitted by Jeremy Bedenbaugh, Kirkland, MO (sign from OK)
...then it's hilarious.

Why not just post a giant hand on the front lawn flippin' the bird to people as they drive past? Same effect, much more direct.

Oh, and by the way, regarding the message on the sign.....NO, IT ISN'T.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We use duct tape to fix everything. God used nails."
submitted by Wes Kenney, Hugo, OK
I wish someone in the Oklahoma area would use a sledgehammer to fix everything about these first two signs.

"Commuters: patience is a virtue"
submitted by Betty Churchill, Smyrna, TN
Apparently, this sign was posted in a construction zone on a major thoroughfare. I wonder if road rage has ever carried over from Friday rush hour to a Sunday morning service.......

Keep 'em coming.

"You are ugly. It's OK, God still loves you."

submitted by Kevin Thomas, Pensacola, FL
They are $#@&^-holes. It's OK, God still loves them......


...though they oughta know better.

"Sombody call 911, because this church is on fire."
submitted by Kevin Thomas, Pensacola, FL
Everyone else call 411, because most people aren't gonna get this analogy.

What an off-putting sign to those people seeking and questioning. "Better not go there, they are all on fire."

Crummy Birthdays: The Big 3-0.

Dangit, I'm old. There's just no getting around it anymore.

Here's to 30 more years of being a smart-aleck, wise-acre, or some other not as nice euphamism. Thanks to everyone for helping make the blog a fun, successful, and somewhat therapeutic little venture for me. Keep on reading, and keep on sending them in.

By the way, I have received some submissions lately to signs that I have already reviewed in the archives. Please don't get frustrated if I don't review your sign, it just means I have already done it. Keep sending them in. One of these days I will figure out this whole "interweb" thing and make a website that has them categorized by subject or something. Then it will be easier to find ones I have already done.

The Word: Infallible. This sign, on the other hand.....

submitted by Marty Davis. Sign from Bentonville, AR
-------------------------------
















submitted by Miss Kitty from http://educatedandpoor.blogspot.com
...and Jesus can take the square root of -1.

"If you aren't kind, you aren't the right kind."
sybmitted by Marty Davis. Sign from Townville, SC
If you are kind, however, you're perfect!!

"Supernanny": Join us Sunday, blessing our children.

Why would we ask God to bless our children when we can get "Supernanny"?

"Welcome...with your help we can improve our service to God."
...and folks, if you've heard about us, we desperately need the help.

Keep 'em coming.

"When the age of leaders is over, men will say 'Look at what we have done'"

And when the Age of Elves is over, they shall board the ships bound for the Grey Havens? What is this sign talking about? Anybody?!?

-----------------------------------------------




















submitted by Josh M. Wilmington, NC
This sign has sort of already been reviewed here. This is a little different, though, because it claims that THIS church might be the only one that's a gift from God. Well, good for Wilmington NC to have such a treasure within its borders.

Also, thanks to Josh, this means that North Carolina makes the Map of Crumminess!

Keep 'em coming.

"Do the bad things of the world make you bitter or better?"

submitted AND reviewed by David Jacks, TX
Well, they made Betty Botta's batter bitter until she bought some better butter and put the better butter in her bitter batter and made her bitter batter better.

Can't they do both?


"Nobody can steal your identity in Christ."
submitted by Miss Kitty at http://educatedandpoor.blogspot.com
This sign isn't that bad, but it is pretty misleading. If you are in Christ, your identity is in Him. Period. And THAT identity can never be stolen. Not because it is "your" identity, but because it is Christ's.

Keep the signs coming, and remember to send in the sermon ratings from 2 posts ago.....

Happy Mother's Day, everyone.

"A mother has an endless river of compassion flowing from her heart"
Yeah, why do we need this "Jesus" guy, anyhow?!

"Does it matter what this sign says?"

submitted by Kellaura Johnson, TX
Well, if you have to ask.....

"Need life insurance? This policy will never expire."
submitted by Joe Kennedy at http://www.wordsarenotenough.com
I saved 10% on my life insurance by switching to Jesus.

(Rant warning regarding that last sign): Can we quit cheapening God? The Bible makes it pretty clear that the main benefit of following Christ....is following Christ. Don't focus on the things we avoid, but the things we gain. And I mean eternally gain. Treating salvation as an "insurance policy" cheapens the cross.

(Rant over)

"PG - Parental Guidance"
submitted and asst. reviewed by David Finch, DC
David thinks that if you need to rate the content of the sermon before allowing people in the building, maybe you ought to rethink the content.

However, it's given me a great idea for the next contest.....

Please submit a ratings system for sermons, based on whatever criteria you would like. Here's my example:

(Rating: Meaning)
NY: No Yelling!
VR: Voice Raised.
CH-80: Consistent Hollering (Decibels approaching 80).
SEP: Spittle Emitting Psycho.

There, a ratings system for the volume of sermons. For example, a calm, meek delivery will get a sermon rated a nice, family friendly NY. Most television preachers would receive an SEP warning in the corner of the screen. Send yours in here, I will post the best ones.

Keep the signs coming, too.

"When your life needs rebooting, remember Jesus SAVES."

submitted by Elizabeth Stewart, Decatur, GA. Sign seen in Kelowna, BC
Yeah, and don't let Satan show you the BSOD.

"The eternal burn ban is not in effect either."
submitted by Hannah Barton, Tulsa, OK
Regional crumminess! Apparently in Oklahoma, they put "burn bans" in effect when the weather is dry, so as not to set the whole state on fire. I guess with some recent wet weather, they have lifted the "burn ban".
Somehow I have a little more respect for God than to equate him with Fire Marshall Bill. And I am still, after all these years, fairly certain that the way to lure new churchgoers has nothing to do with threatening them with a fiery eternity if they don't attend. We wouldn't put that on a church brochure or website, so let's leave it off our signs (which are seen by more people, by the way).

Keep 'em coming.

"Sermon this Sunday: Da Bible or DaVinci?"

submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
...including a special offertory featuring "Da Brat" performing her unique rendition of "In Da Garden".

I'm sure this is the first of dozens of church signs that will spring up over the next couple of weeks referencing the new DaVinci code movie. There is a GREAT interview with pastor/theologian Brian McLaren on www.sojo.org. In it he gives a terrific analysis of the book, movie, the culture's reaction, the church's reaction, and what SHOULD be the church's reaction. Go to www.sojo.org and click on the link for the McLaren interview. It requires registration, but it's worth it. As the author of this church sign might say........it's da bomb.

Keep 'em coming.

"Is your home on the rocks or on the Rock?"

submitted AND reviewed by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Actually, I prefer my home straight up, with a twist.

To be a Masterpiece of crumminess, the other side of this sign would have had to have said "Jesus' love will leave you shaken AND stirred." Or something like that.

Keep 'em coming.

No wonder they're always so snotty.

both pictures submitted by Miss Kitty at http://educatedandpoor.blogspot.com

Notice that they used an upside-down "M" to represent an "W"....not only on the "message", but on the painted part of the sign! HAR!

-----------------------------------------------------------

I've already reviewed this next sign here. This is just proof it exists. Sadly.

Ye's He Doe's!

all signs this time submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
-----------------------------------------------
















Did I miss the Holy Ghost's birthday again?!?!? Man, I will NEVER remember!

I really hope they didn't try a surprise party for him. Probably not a lot of success there.

---------------------------------------------




























What's the purpose behind putting half of the quote on one side, then the other half on the other? What if I only see the second side? "Until Ye Realize He is Alive"....yes, very meaningful in that context.

And what of the person who realizes that both sides are necessary for the "full message"? Who is responsible when they cross 4 lanes of traffic while looking over their shoulder to read the other side? Ye will certainly live as though ye are dead when ye hit a semi truck head-on.

"It wasn't the apple; it was the pair."

submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Oh, those two! Original sin can be so cute if you put the right spin on it!

"Doubt and do without. Believe and receive."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Nothing like giving people a realistic vision of Christ's providence. And this is nothing like it.

"Kind words make happy echoes."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Maybe we can combine the Lord's supper with fortune cookies....our wafers can have little slips of paper with "wise" sayings like this. Sadly, I could probably make a killing with that idea.

"Church is a gift from God: some assembly is required."
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
...and batteries are not included? Offer not valid in Alaska and Hawaii?

"Rabies clinic: 10 AM"
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Is there really NOTHING more important going on in the life of this church?!?

"Wake up call! This Saturday at 7:30 and 9:30"
submitted by David Finch, DC
Turn down service is also available. And they leave a nice mint on your pew on Sunday morning.

"Be encouraged and be an encourager!"
submitted AND asst. reviewed by David Finch, DC
Taken from the book Suicide Counseling for Dummies.

"You can't hide from God by not coming to church."
submitted AND asst. reviewed by David Jacks, TX
Yep. He will pretty much hunt you down and get you. Sucka.

"God replaces the lazy with the diligent"
submitted by Miss Kitty at http://educatedandpoor.blogspot.com
Really? If only Pat Robertson would start to slack a little.....

"Determination is the key to success"
submitted by David Finch, DC
WHAT!?!? On a CHURCH sign? What Bible does this guy preach from? I am tempted to give a few Bible verses that refute this, but you can pretty much just open it up anywhere and start reading. You'll get there soon enough.
If you don't know what I'm talking about: According to Christianity, the key to success is relying on the work of Christ on the cross and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. A little idea called "faith". Not this "determination" bullcrap.
EXAMPLE: I could be determined to dance ballet. I will never make it. I have all the coordination of a drunk, vertiginous giraffe. I'm sure everyone out there has an example as well.

Wow, that's awful. Maryland just made it to orange on the Map of Crumminess (link to the right) with that one. And red isn't far behind.

------------------------------------

I could probably start a blog on Crummy "Christian Band" Names as well. I don't have the time, but I do feel the need to share this one that my sister submitted: "Eve's Hero" Take a second and ponder on what they could possibly mean by that.........


Thanks for all the submissions! Keep sending them in!

New Feature: The Map of Crumminess!

As a new feature to "Crummy Church Signs", I have created the Map of Crumminess. It tracks, through a very scientific process, the frequency at which I receive submissions from different locations around the United States and the world.

If you live in a blank state, that means I haven't received any crummy church signs from that state. So....either they aren't there OR you need to get off your duffs and send them in!!!!

I will keep the map bookmarked on the right-hand menu on this page...check back often!

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture?

submitted by Jennie Sowers, IN
Jennie says this sign had incorrect spelling on it for 3 weeks. That's dedication to a cause, right there.

"Easter is a joke on the devil. Ha!"
submitted by John Allen Bankson, Ruston LA
God must be one committed prankster, sending his Son to die for a punch line.

"A cheerful friend is like a sunny day"
submitted by Nickie Albert, Mobile AL ('sup, fellow Belhaven Blazer!!)
So...a cheerful friend can burn you?
A cheerful friend makes you sweat?
Huh?

"God's will is our peace."
submitted by Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
This could mean so many things (most of them wrong):
Peace as in "happiness": Uh, no.
Peace as in "peace of mind": Doubt it.
Peace as in "comfort": Not so much.
Peace as in "not going to war": I might buy that.
Peace as in "not at war with God any more": Sure.

"God deserves your attention"
submitted AND reviewed by David Finch, DC
I don't recall that verse in the Bible: "Be ye holy, as I am holy. And stand up straight and pay attention when I'm talking to you, son!" Does He want us to salute as well?

"Your destiny is determined by a choice, not chance."
Gee, thanks, Uncle Ben. Or was that Jor-El? Or did Professor X say that?
Where exactly does the Book of Stan Lee fall in the canon, again? Is it before or after Galatians?

Thanks to Nickie, first time submitter, friend of my sister, and fellow Belhaven grad. Glad you found the site.

Keep 'em coming, everyone.

"We stand on the Rock, not sing it"

submitted by Sara Fisher, Cedar Springs, MI
But Petra did BOTH.




(1990, Beyond Belief album, track 2....don't EVEN mess with that.)

Thanks to Sara, first time submitter!
------------------------------------------------

We also have a couple of "winners" to announce.

First of all, best made-up Beatitude comes from David Finch in Washington DC:

"Blessed are the blind for they do not have to witness stupid church signs"

And the best Resurrection Cheer comes from the Anonymous poster in the comments section (and it made me laugh out loud):

"Rah rah! Hey hey!
Who's been disinterred today?
It's Jesus....clap, clap....it's Jesus!

Step forth and claim your glory, Anonymous Poster!

Keep 'em coming

From the upcoming sequel "How the Grinch Stole Easter".......

submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Does anybody know how a "Resurrection Cheer" goes?

Is it.....

"Stopping Satan's Insurrection,
Is Jesus' Third Day Resurrection!"

or is it...

"One, two, three, four!
Who's not buried anymore?
It's Jesus.....(clap, clap)....it's Jesus.......(clap, clap)......"

I can picture it, complete with middle school cheerleaders and some sort of clumsy human pyramid (or worse yet, a cross).



I will take suggestions for other "Resurrection Cheers" as well....and I am still taking Beatitudes from a couple of weeks ago.

Send 'em in.

Talk about taking church discipline a little too far....

"Live drive-thru crucifixion. March 31-April 1, 7-9 PM"
submitted and asst. reviewed by John Allen Bankson, Ruston, LA
All the convenience of a regular crucifixion, and you don't even have to leave your car!

"Are we there yet?"
submitted and asst. reviewed by David Finch, DC
Well if they don't know, then what hope do the rest of us have?

"Join us on our journey to eternity"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I have an idea...maybe they could make it sound a little less like they are going to hitch a ride on the next comet that passes through the system.

"The Bible. What if it is true!"
submitted by David Jacks, TX
Punctuation. What if we used it correctly!

"Closed."
submitted by David Jacks, TX
Pretty much the ultimate crummy church sign.


----------------------------------------------

Hey kids, if you're going to send a picture with your sign submission, make sure that YOU TOOK THE PICTURE, that you didn't borrow it from some other website.

Please don't use other people's stuff without permission. It makes me look crummy too.

Next thing you know, you'll start saying they should have their own schools!

submitted and asst. reviewed by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
...thereby converting the entire Dental Care community of Escambia county to the Baptist denomination. All 10 of them. And for all the right reasons.

This sign has inspired me....
E-mail me your made-up beatitudes here, and I will post the best ones some time next week. Let's rewrite chapter 5 of Matthew. Surely we can do better than some "tax collector"!


Also, keep the crumminess coming.

Can He hear you now?

submitted and reviewed by Rachel Petty
Add either eternal life or a flip phone for $29.99!

"March Madness is more than just about basketball. Come in on Sunday and learn more."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Jennie Sowers, New Castle, IN
Yes, let's endear ourselves to Hoosier country by slamming March Madness. Pun intended. While we're at it, let's go to Canada and pee in the Stanley Cup.
And what "madness" will occur on Sunday? Snake handling?

"All flesh is as grass.
I Pe 2:24"
submitted and asst. reviewed by Jennie Sowers, New Castle, IN
Can somebody buy this church a "t" so they can finish their "First Peter" reference? This is the second time.....
Also, some context for the Bible verse would be nice. Are we supposed to fertilize our flesh? Or trim it?

"Breathe in God's Spirit, exhale God's love."
submitted by Jennie Sowers, New Castle, IN
Yep, knock 'em out with secondhand love.

"He who sees the invisible can do the impossible."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
The kid from The Sixth Sense can help me win a March Madness bracket challenge? I'll keep that in mind for next year.

"Enjoy today, compliments of God."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
First one's free, kids. After that.....

"Don't let yesterday use up today"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Daylight Savings somehow rears its ugly head again.

And finally, I feel compelled to review a couple of the signs from the Washington Post article (see previous post).

"Jesus turned water into wine, but He can't turn whining into anything."
So would you quit coming to Him with all your problems, already?! Sheesh!

"What caterpillars call the end, God calls a butterfly."
So completely withdraw yourself from your life for a period of time, and God will work a miracle? Really?

Thanks to Rachel for the picture, and Jennie and Jennifer for the submissions. Rev. Hendrix also sent me a GREAT picture, but all of a sudden I can't upload pictures. I will get it up when I figure out what's wrong. It's a doozy.

Keep 'em coming.

I didn't quite make the cut...

Check out this article about church signs by Washington Post writer Chris Davenport. We had a nice conversation on the topic, but I really didn't say anything profound enough to make the final draft. To my long-time readers: Shocking, I know. Regardless, it's a well-written and well-balanced article that shows both sides to church signs. Enjoy.

Keep sending in the crummy ones.

"New Challenges, tomorrow 7:00 - 9:00"

submitted and asst. reviewed by David Finch, DC
Matthew 11:28: "Come to me, all ye who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you New Challenges."

"Exciting Kids Worship"
submitted by Angie Dishman
I would be curious to see what ANY kind of kids' worship looks like, let alone the "exciting" kind. Do they have them on pedestals, or what?
By the way, in my real-life job as a teacher, I have met some parents who must be members of this church.

"Have U talked 2 Jesus today?"
OMG! Have U? ROTFLOL!

WTF......



"Extreme Soul Makeover available inside"
submitted by David Jacks, TX
I wonder if the Pastor delivers the sermon yelling through a megaphone.

"Closer to shepherd, further from wolves."
...and closer to the sheepdogs, which (in this analogy) isn't always a good thing.

"We plan on being generous as soon as we have more than enough for ourselves."

Well...... at least they're honest, though not necessarily refreshingly honest. Yikes.

Note: I really did see that sign today. Verbatim. I think they were trying to be smart-alecky, but man, did it not come across that way.

"Let go of the old and hold on to the new."
submitted AND reviewed by David Finch, DC
...and other things that shouldn't be said during marriage counseling.

"God wants us to read Psalms, not palms."
submitted by David Jacks, Texas
And He wants us to read Leviticus, not.............uh..............er..............never mind.

"We believe in prayer requests!"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
"We believe in the Great One, the Next One...and we believe in hockey!"

Shouldn't they believe in the One who answers prayer requests, not the requests themselves?

"Daily prayer will diminish your cares."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And just think...it could have really rhymed if they had just pluralized "prayer". And THAT would have made is so much better.

Keep 'em coming.

"Listen, just listen!"

*crickets*












"Don't let your yesterday destroy your today."
this one and the last one submitted by David Finch, Washington, DC
Because yesterday, there was so many things I was never told? And now that I'm starting to learn, I feel I'm growing old? Because yesterday's got nothing for me?

"God forgives sincere confession."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Kelly Quinn
He prefers the insincere ones, but He is willing to make exceptions.

"Doing flows from our being."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Coincidentally, this is also the punch line to a really filthy Chinese joke.

"You are not too bad to come in. You are not too good to stay out."
submitted by Kathy Treadway
Isn't the whole premise of Christianity the fact that you are too bad to come in yet not too good to stay out? Remember...only through Christ, people.

"He who rows the boat doesn't have the time to rock it."
Yeah, take THAT, God!



In some cool news, another major metropolitan newspaper is writing an article on church signs and sought me out for some of my input. (I was quoted in the Baltimore Sun in early 2000, though this copy of the article left out everything I had to say). Stay tuned for when and where to find the article!

Keep the crumminess coming!

"Step up and in to God's promises. This Friday from 7:30 to 9:00"

submitted and reviewed by David Finch, Washington DC
Sounds like an aerobics class . . . then push and hold and breathe, now step down and out of God's promises, release, exhale . . . good, keep going ladies only one more rep!

Some of you guys are aiming to put me out of business....many of the reader-submitted reviews have been stellar as of late.

A word of warning...the money's not so good.


Keep 'em coming!

"God + you = a majority"

submitted by Nathan Kaminsky, Joplin, MO
Ladies and gentlemen, our President's theology in a nutshell.

"Jesus loves you where you like it or not"
submitted and reviewed by Nathan Kaminsky, Joplin, MO
There are some distinct disadvantages to having your youth pastor arrange the letters on the sign.

"Church shopping? We're open Sundays."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And this Sunday only...HALF OFF of SALVATION. Yes, at this week's services, Jesus was only HURT for your sins!! Bring a friend for double the savings!

"A warm church, like warm butter, will spread."
Malaria spreads too.

"If Jesus returns this Sunday where will He find you?"
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
This church has apparently unearthed some heretofore unknown document that establishes Jesus' second coming as happening on a Sunday. Who knew?

Keep sending them in!

"Little sins grow up fast"

submitted by Kathy Treadway, Wilmington, OH
And they're so cute when they're young.....

"Wisdom is the reward for keeping silent"
submitted by Kathy Treadway, Wilmington, OH
And yet they feel compelled to spout off on their church sign.....

"Are you a reprobate?
II Corinthians 13:5"
submitted by J.T., Bryantsville, KY
If someone sees this on a church sign, please tack a note to their front door that reads:
"Are you a Pharisee?
Matthew 23"

"God may say wait, but He never says worry"
submitted by David Finch
And he may say "no". Why does no church sign I have ever seen acknowledge this?

"Nothing ruins the truth like streching it"
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Nothing ruins the point of a sign like misspeling it.

"Without the Bread of Life, you're toast."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
With the Bread of Life, you are simply good for sandwiches.

"Path to Perversion"

submitted by Jeff Keezel, Richmond, VA
Part of an ongoing series, including "Road to Wrath", "Gateway to Gluttony", and the ever popular "Launchpad to Lust".
I wonder what the clientele at this church looks like on any given Sunday?

"Man can have a new life & heart w/o a new head"
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Most of the church signs on this website imply that once someone becomes a Christian, their brains fall out of their heads and they become stupid. This one comes right out and says it. C'mon, people......

"A shut mouth gathers no foot."
submitted by Mondo Davis, Monterey, CA
Yeah, that's pretty much how Jesus went about things.

"To belittle is to be little."
submitted by Mondo Davis, Monterey, CA
If that is true, then this website makes me very, very, very small.

"Jesus said, 'Follow me'. Directions inside"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Directions inside, or anywhere one can find a Bible.

Thanks, all. Keep 'em coming!!

"Does your life sing song for Him?"

both signs in this post submitted by Jennifer Bezaire
They MUST have meant to put another word or two in there, because this just doesn't make any sense as is. I mean...it doesn't make any sense even with an extra word or two, but at least then it would be a coherent English sentence.

EDIT: This morning, the sign has been adjusted to read "Does your life song sing for Him?" Well...at least now it's grammatically correct.

"In trying times, never stop trying."
Trying is all it takes, I guess. Huh. That sure would have simplified the last 29+ years.


Lemme have 'em.

"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from......."

Heh heh heh......A BIG thanks to Rev. Arnold Hendrix for today's photo-tour of southern Alabama, and some help with some of the reviews..... :)
Maybe the above church is the opposite of those "KJV-only" churches. Maybe they are delivering people from that translation?

Um.......OK. They got a zoo back there? Or just informational "Zoo Crew" videos? Is the Lion of Judah specially trained to go after poverty and illness? Can the Lion of Sub-Sarahan Africa not handle that task?

Also, I'm glad these much needed ministries are finally out there....Deliverance from the Bible, help in Overcoming Faith.......

"Fuego" = Spanish for "Fire".

Kids + Fire = Not A Good Idea.

If you're going to fill my soul, why do I need the cup?

Also, if a church has to advertise that they have "Open Minds"...they probably don't.

Keep 'em coming. Thanks also for all the comments!

"Do you want to go to hell? Then stop living like the devil."

submitted by David Jacks, E. Texas
Sigh. See my post from 2 days ago. Yeah, the rant. Apply it to this sign, as this is an even worse example of what I was talking about.
And what the heck does it mean to "live like the devil"? Is this sign meant for some dude driving past the church in a 1979 Dodge Charger ,107 miles an hour, hanging out the window waving an empty whiskey bottle over his head while the prostitute in the passenger seat sniffs cocaine from the dashboard? Or just your "average" non-believer....

"Start the new year out right. Attend a KJV Bible believing Bible preaching church."
submitted by David Jacks, E. Texas
David points out he saw this sign on Feb. 19, 50 days into the "new year"....heh heh.
And with an gracious invitation like that....really, who could say "No"?

PS: Has anyone seen a church sign promoting themselves as an "NIV believing church" or a "NASV believing church"? Just curious....

Keep 'em coming!

"Little sins add up to big trouble!"

It really would have been much better if this church had been located in Little China.

"The here determines the hereafter"

No. it. doesn't. What happened 2000 some-odd years ago determines the hereafter.

(rant warning....)

This is one of dozens and dozens of church signs I have seen or that have been submitted to me that warn the passers-by: Watch out for what you do, because it determines your destination in the afterlife.
Please, please, please realize that this is completely wrong. Your destination is already determined: You are going to hell. No matter what you do or don't do, because of your sinful nature, you are one hell-bound son of a gun. There is a way OUT of that, however: receive salvation as a free gift of God. He has offered it, by grace, through his Son. He paid the price for that sinful nature.

This church sign, and ones like it, imply one of two things:
a) You begin with a ticket to heaven, but somehow lose it by doing bad things and end up going to hell.
or
b) You begin in a sort of neutral state, and your actions tip the scales one way or another, towards heaven or hell.

If you are a non-believer and have been informed that Christianity involves one of those two above scenarios, I apologize, but it's really a lot simpler than that. You don't have to do anything. Christ has done it. I am so thankful that I don't have to rely on myself to determine my final outcome! It has been taken care of for me. How many unbelievers might have been turned off of Christianity because they have received the message (either from a church sign or elsewhere) that THEY are responsible for doing enough good works (or avoiding enough bad ones) to reach heaven? God forgive us.

Sorry for the soapbox, but this sign really ticks me off. A seemingly "fluff" sign that contains, quite simply, a damaging lie about the religion it claims to represent.

(...end of rant)

That third step is buggin' me.

submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore AL

"Read it through": Good idea.

"Work it out": Like...cross-training? Does God's Word really need to work on its abs?

"Pass it on": So once I hit Revelation, that's it? I'm done?

"What do you call a pastor in Germany? A German shepherd"

the next 8 signs submitted by Bruce, Cheryl and Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
You have GOT to be kidding me. "Oh, honey, let's try that church that puts the really lame jokes up on it's sign!"

"The wages of sin is death. Quit before payday."
You hear that everyone? Quit sinning! Well.... guess when you are going to die and at least quit sinning before then.

"I am the consciousness of love."
Who is speaking here? The sign itself? The pastor? And once that mystery is cleared up....what the #%^#% do they mean?

"Forgiveness is free.
Traditional, 8AM
Contemporary 10:30 AM"
Don't sleep in, or you'll be stuck with that "contemporary forgiveness". Blech.

"ThewordmadefleshJesus."
Thesignwastoosmallandtheyweregonnarunouttaroomunlesstheysqueezedit
togetherandmadeitreallyhardtoread.

"Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled."
I was wondering where all those little white kidneys and spleens that were in my yard came from.

"When the snow melts, where does the white go?"
Christianity and science go head-to-head again.
Sigh.

"Snowflakes are God's most delicate creation. Look at what happens when they stick together."
Completing the Unholy Trinity of signs about snow from the same church (see the above 2 as well).
Oh, and look what happened when everyone stuck together at the Tower of Babel.

"God gives burdens, shoulders too."
submitted by Kathy Treadway
But not all burdens are direct from God. This is misleading theology to the general public. Anyone really struggling with something will immediately blame it on God if they read this sign. That's not really what we're going for with our church signs, is it?

"Going the wrong direction? God likes U-Turns"
submitted by Kathy Treadway
Memo to everyone on my drive to work: God also likes merging onto the interstate at speeds greater than 45 mph. Really. He does.

"Be a organ donor. Give your heart to Jesus."
submitted by Rebekah Smith
Because his doesn't work? Not exactly the message we want to send out....
(This is a awful sign.) :)

"Come Sunday, bring the kids. -God."
Man, that's ominous. Is God going to eat the kids?

"Home is where the heart is."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire
Just because something looks good embroidered on a pillow doesn't mean that you should stick it on your church sign.

"The game of life is the really big game, so play by my rules. -God."
submitted by Jennie Sowers
I am sick of these signs that quote God and make Him look like a complete idiot. I mean, is He supposed to be God or is He supposed to be an after-school special public service announcement?
"Thanks, Roadblock, now I know!"
"And knowing is half the battle!"
"Yo Joe!"

"Fear God.
I PE
2:17"
submitted by Jennie Sowers
Heh heh. I PE 2.

"Fire purifies gold. God purifies lives."
submitted and reviewed by Jhall
...and chlorine purifies swimming pools.

"Salvation is free, but don't be fooled...it costs commitment."
submitted by Jhall
The other side said: "Grass is green, but don't be fooled....it's red."

"God's love written in red."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire
Crummy church sign, written in black.

"Don't expect a dollar answer for a penny prayer."
submitted by Kelly Quinn
Because the quality of God's response depends on our delivery. Too bad for us!

"Anger is only one letter from danger!"
submitted by David Finch, Washington DC
Because in the English language, similar spelling means similar meaning.
Oh wait. That's a completely different language I was thinking of.

Sorry for the long delay, everyone. I was down with the flu, bronchitis, and a sinus infection. A real combination platter. It was great. And by "great" I of course mean "terrible".

Anyhow, thanks for the DELUGE of signs while I was recovering. Keep sending them in!!

Happy V-day to all.

A couple of oldies, but.....crummies.

Submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix
I've already reviewed both of these signs here and here. I just love the sword running through this particular church sign. Think the average passer-by knows what that is supposed to mean? Or do they just get really weirded out by it?

"If you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere."
submitted by Cheryl Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
The author of this sign has the following two books very near each other on his bookshelf: "Church Sign Ideas" and "Fortune Cookie Ideas" . Methinks he picked the wrong one.

"Don't pray for rain and then complain about the mud."
submitted by Tish Harrison
Meaning, since we all complain (we're sinful humans after all)....don't pray?

"Praying is asking for rain. Faith is carrying an umbrella."
So, according to these last two signs, when we DO pray the only thing we can pray for is rain? You think Noah knew this while on the ark? THAT must have been frustrating.

"In your life, is he Lord of all or Lord not at all."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
OK: VERY hard sign to read when driving past. It took at least 3 trips past to get the whole thing. The complete lack of proper punctuation doesn't help.
Plus, it's lame. Are we just supposed to assume who "he" is?

"Give Satan an inch and he will be a ruler."
submitted by Steve Lopez, OK
The scope of Satan's power and dominion depends on me and my ability to resist his temptations? We're SCREWED!
(Sure they meant to tack an "of my life" or something on the end of it....then DO it!)

Keep sending them in.

"Worrying: Stewing With-out doing."

Poetry! And so much better than that whole "birds of the air/lilies of the field" garbarge. That one doesn't even rhyme.

(Maybe it's poetic license, but since when do we hyphenate compound words?)

"Jesus is the only one that can give you peace like a river that flows out from your soul."
Have you ever heard a 4-year old try and tell a long story? This sign sounds like that.

Back-To-Back Crumminess

both signs submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore AL
Rev. Hendrix found these two signs on back-to-back churches.
















Okay, so let's get this math equation correct:

2*(gossip started by good people) = hate + murder + pride + gluttony + envy +...... + murder + racism + war + blasphemy+ .......... + comb-overs + wearing white shoes after Labor Day + ........

For real? Half?
















No, don't look to God or the Bible. Look to THIS church. THIS one.

Pitiful.

Keep in touch.

The crummy proof is in the crummy pudding.

submitted by Kelly Quinn, Texas
Okay, I have already reviewed this sign. I just hardly believed it actually existed. Apparently, it does.

Wow.

"You must get out of the boat to walk on the water."

submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And that's all it takes! Like Peter, the first time he tried it....

"God can turn your "efil" around."
submitted by Kyle Evans, Albertville, AL
And if I were looking to have my "efil" turned around, I would "diova" this church.

"Is 2006 the year you become a Christian?"
submitted by Kyle Evans, Albertville, AL
This is one of those signs where it just makes it too for a passer-by to answer "No".
Supposedly rhetorical questions are bad ideas on church signs as they are very easily dismissed. Why not just post "If you are not a Christian, would you ever visit this church with our silly sign?" You're gonna get the same answer.

"You think it's hot here...."
submitted by Laua Enfinger, Arizona
This is the fourth sign I have received from Arizona comparing it to hell. I don't think I plan on visiting there.

Keep sending 'em in!

"Kill the Devil!"

submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
Can we......DO that? What's taken so long, then?

"Get it fixed in 2006"
submitted and reviewed by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
The same "it" from the Ebay commercials?

"ATM inside: Atonement, Truth, Mercy"
submitted by Jim Roach, St. Louis, MO
Bad theology. Atonement is not found inside of a church. It is available as a free gift of God. You may think I am being a stickler, but a little event called "The Reformation" came about over this very debate.

"Is anything to hard for God?"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
No. However, I am becoming increasingly convinced that proper grammar is "to" hard for His followers.

"Are you a light or a lampshade?"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Does anyone outside of the church even understand this metaphor? Non-believers who read some of this tripe must just think Christians are ridiculous sometimes.

"The key to heaven hung on a nail"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
"Well done, thou good and faithful servant. You somehow knew that the key to heaven hung on a nail, whatever the heck We meant by that. Enter now into the joy of the Lord."

"Get right or get left."
submitted by Robert Adams
Old-school crummy! Let's make a pun about eternal damnation. It's fun!
Pop quiz for Christians (answers in italics) :
Explain what "get right" means in the context of this sign. (Stop sinning now.)
OK, what does "get left" mean in the context of this sign? (Don't go to heaven.)
What does one have to do with the other? (Nothing. At all. Read a Bible.)

"If your life is a TV commercial, what product are you selling?"
submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
It was easier for me to make a list of products that I am obviously NOT selling:
1. Rogaine.
2. MetRX weight gain supplements.
3. Armor All Car Wax.
4. Crest White Strips (.....my wife quipped. She's a hoot, that one!)
(This review probably meant nothing to my regular readers who don't know me personally. To the ones who do know me personally, it was probably pretty darn funny.)

I can hardly keep up with all of the submissions! Thanks to everyone for making this blog a success, and keep sending them in!!

What about a morgue for the devil?

submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
There's just so.....much....wrong with this sign.

a) Who likes visiting a hospital, anyhow?

b) Nobody stays at a hospital. You get better and leave. Same with this church?

c) Are elderly church members now bad in some way? Should they be forced to leave? Get some "fresh blood" in there?

Boooooooo on Presley St. Baptist, wherever you are.

"Trespassers will be converted"

Why don't they just add, "...and, trust us, you sure don't want that to happen." Sheesh.

"No time to pray makes easy p-r-e-y ."
Yeah, I g-e-t it. You don't have to s-p-e-l-l out every s-t-u-p-i-d play on words.

"There are signs from heaven, and there are signs like this one."
Who is benefitting from these words being there? They aren't even pretend-funny. They don't encourage people to attend. They don't have any truth attached to them. Why are they there? Who took the time to put them there? This church is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. And I would avoid it like the plague if I were church-hunting.

"Avoid truth decay: read the KJV"
submitted by Ryan on the www.churchmarketingsucks.com comment section
So 400 some-odd years of education and historical discovery means that we are worse at translating ancient texts? Okay......

"The deadliest WMD is the tongue"
submitted by Kellaura Jones, Houston, TX
Someone should tell our current administration this. I bet they actually could find some tongues in Iraq.
If I may analyze a crappy analogy: isn't gossip and rumor (I assume this is what they mean by "the tongue") more aptly described as a sniper rather than a WMD? Usually gossip deeply hurts one or two people rather than an entire population. Sure, it's deadly. But mass destruction?

"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
submitted by Kellaura Jones, Houston, TX.
Sorry guys, bad theology: Christians shouldn't have a clear conscience. A clear conscience comes from the knowledge that you have done nothing wrong, or perhaps that you have done a great deal right. You haven't.
A Christian should have the knowledge that he/she is deeply flawed, yet forgiven in Christ. If someone has a clear conscience, he/she runs the risk of forgetting the price that was paid for his/her rebellion. Be forgiven, be thankful, and don't dwell on your past sins, but don't have a clear conscience. You have done nothing to earn it. You can, however, have a forgiven/redeemed/sanctified conscience and it's the best thing in the world.


Long-time visitors may have noticed some changes to the site. I have added links to worthwhile and/or interesting organizations to the sidebar on the right and at the bottom of the page. If you are bored (and you're reading my site, so the odds are good), go visit one of them.

I have also added Google adverts to the top of the page. I think if 50 million people click on those links, they send me a check for $3.50 or something. So don't even bother.

Thanks for the input, and keep the signs coming!!

"Living With Power in 2006"

"Living With Confidence in 2006"
"Living With Consideration in 2006"
(a series of 3 consecutive church signs in 3 consecutive weeks)
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Galatians 5:22: "And the fruits of the Spirit are Power, Confidence, Consideration....." Or not.

"New Pastor, New Look. Come in and see!"
submitted by Eric Skaggs, Massilon, OH
As Eric pointed out in his email....this sign just kind of makes you wonder what happened with the old pastor that made them not only get rid of him, but totally redecorate as well.

"Troubles, like babies, grow through nursing."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Steve Lopez, Ozark, MO
So.....troubles suck? I already knew that!

"Will the road your on get you to my place? - God"
The fact that the author of the church sign can't even study basic grammar doesn't cause me to hold out a lot of hope for his or her study of theology. Your = possessive. You're = "you are".

"Instead of looking forward or backward, try looking upward!"
Possibly not the best advice to give to people who are driving past your church. As my friend John said, "What if I don't have a sunroof?"

"If Christ offends you, imagine what hell will do."
submitted by Bruce and Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I know it's early, but we have a leader in the clubhouse for the title of "Worst Sign of 2006". Only in America can we get a church sign to favorably compare Christ and hell. And, yeah, I know what they were trying to say...that doesn't count because most unchurched people wouldn't. Time for this church to pull it's head out of it's &^%%$ and quit offending me. :)

"Faith is a journey, not a destination."
And speaking of Journey, the other side of the sign read, "Don't stop....beleeeeeevin'....."


...actually that's a lie. That sign would have been much better than what was actually on the other side. The other side read:


"Be quiet enough to hear God whisper"
...because God isn't loud enough when he wants to be. It's up to YOU to get close enough.
Great idea for the .0001% of people who are strong enough to stay close to God on their own. As for me, I am going to have to rely on God's strength to keep me close enough. And for God to be loud enough to get through my thick skull.

Happy new year everyone! Keep the crummy signs coming!

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

submitted by Adam Vogel, Oklahoma
The kind of person whose sole reason for existence is to clean up poop?

"Don't major in minor things"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
...like reviewing church signs?

"God sent his son to earth. Where is He sending you?"
At the time, He was sending me to the gas station to fill up. Thanks for asking!


Merry Christmas to everyone! Try to remember those who are less fortunate this holiday season. Please keep sending in the signs!

"Adult Christmas Pageant, Sunday at 6:00"

"Adult" as an adjective has taken new meaning in 21st century America. Let's not use it to describe our Christmas pageants, no matter what we mean by it.

"As my apprentice, you're never fired. - God"

submitted AND reviewed by JHall
Unless, of course, your name happens to be Lucifer.

(By the way, funniest ever user-submitted review, JHall. Usually I just rewrite, rework, or completely ignore whatever reviews get sent in, because I want the tone of voice consistent throughout the blog. But I wasn't touching that one. HILARIOUS!)

"Jesus is a major part of Christmas."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Do tell! In the same way that Lincoln and Washington are major parts of President's Day?

"Come Sunday and hear about Joseph and the ultimate desparate housewife."
submitted by Miriam Redmond, Murfreesboro, TN
Man, Eva Longoria really is everywhere these days. I swear I think they cloned her.

"Two hours clean-up labor in exchange for one Sunday church attendance here."
submitted by Steve Spearman, Georgia
Steve reports that this was seen after a bad tornado in the Georgia area. So, WWJD? Use bribery, apparently.

Now that I think about it, Jesus really could have helped his ministry in this way. Imagine how many disciples he could have had if he had made all those blind or leprous beggars DO something for their healings. You want to see again, Barnabas? Take that sack of food from poor Andrew over there and follow us. Lame guy, you want your left leg back? Take this sack of laundry over to that pool and get busy scrubbing. Instead, all Jesus does is give stuff away freely, instead of making those poor saps earn their keep. They did absolutely nothing at all to earn His favor! Almost like he was trying to tell us something, show us some bigger lesson to be learned...............

....................nah, couldn't be.

Keep 'em coming.

PS: Thanks to Miriam, first contributor from my home church other than my family :)

"When you run out of sick days and call in dead, who will answer?"

submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called...and they're outta YOU!

PS: If you didn't get that one, watch more Seinfeld.


"Pessimists need a kick in the can'ts"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And church sign writers need a kick in the....

By the way, has this church read the Bible? Those prophets tended to some pessimism from time to time. I think there's a place and a time for some pessimism, you know? Appropriately, of course.

Anyhow...


"Egotism is obesity of the head."
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Do they have another sign that says "Gluttony is obesity of the butt"? Let's make a church sign for every sin, just in case we don't "convict" everyone who drives by. "Lust is obesity of the....." OK... never mind.


"O Come All Ye Faithful...and Not So Faithful."
submitted by Jenn Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And completely unfaithful. You come too. Bring the spinach dip.


"Come Worship At the Side Door: Contemporary. Casual. Cool."
submitted by theKeez, Richmond, VA
YES! The 3 most important things!! All in one place!!

(Also, anyone care to bet that they only really achieve the second of those three adjectives? I've got a twenty on it.)


"SEASONS CHANGE
GOD DOESN'T
WELCOME"
submitted by supernet, Mt. Eaton, Ohio
A little punctuation goes a loooooong ways, folks.


"Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives."
submitted by David Jacks, East Texas
So, welcome to our church, those of you who haven't looked at your Bible in a while. We are completely superior to you in every way. Would you like a bulletin?


"Got Jesus?"
submitted and assisted reveiwed by Allison, Greeneville, SC
What, was the Taco Bell dog not available? Yo quiero Jèsus! I wonder when Christianity will catch up to the mainstream and only be....I dunno.....only 5 years behind every current trend, rather than the current 10 to 15.

Better yet, why doesn't Christianity suck it up and actually try and get AHEAD of the trends. We claim to be tapped in to the most creative being EVER, so perhaps we can use that to our advantage, rather than pathetically aping every lame trend that Hollywood and Madison Ave. throw at us. I can't even walk into a "Christian" bookstore any longer without throwing up in my mouth just a little bit. Every ridiculous t-shirt, bumper sticker, self-help book (grrr...), and newly released CD that copies 1994's favorite secular band makes me wish a little harder for the Lord's return...if only to save us from ourselves.


Thanks to my family, who came through in the clutch on this batch of submissions with 4 big ones! Unfortunately, it appears that the Nashville area is turning into a breeding ground of CRAP when it comes to church signs. Thanks to everyone else who submitted as well.

KEEP 'EM COMING

"Jesus: The OTHER Reason for the Season."

submitted by David Jacks, East Texas
I think they attempted some sarcasm here. I think it didn't work.

(Note to all church sign writers: Sarcasm is very hard to convey in writing. Check out this example:

"Boy, that church sign doesn't suck!"

I obviously mean that the above church sign does, in fact, suck. If you could have heard how I dictated the sentence in my head, you would have known that. However, it is very hard to convey tone of voice in writing, especially on such a limited medium as the church sign. Please stop trying.)


"Jesus is coming back soon. Look busy!"
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com

Okay, so:

a) We are going to trick Jesus into thinking we have been doing good works all this time. Because He hasn't been paying attention?

and

b) Those good works will have some input into my eternal salvation. As opposed to say, I don't know......grace, or something.

That's what I get from this sign. Anybody else?

"Jesus pain is your gain."
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com
Wow, cool. Maybe Jesus can get a Gatorade endorsement.

"When you doubt."
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com
Is this like one of those "progressive dinners", except on church signs? Did I miss the first half of this sentence on a church a few blocks away? Or should I continue looking for the last half?

Thanks to the new contributors. Keep 'em coming.

Best Church Sign Ever!

Visit This Link.

Just a little church sign humor for the Thanksgiving season.

Found via my friends at Church Marketing Sucks

Enjoy. :)

"What Would Jesus say to Britney Spears?"

submitted by Elizabeth Stewart and Jona & Tish from Decatur, GA
You mean besides "Please get your tubes tied."? Not sure. But he is probably telling you and I to pay more attention to the things he is telling you and I and less attention to what he is saying to overhyped celebrities.

"Eight words that can change your life."
submitted by Jeff Keezel
Actually, that's only 7. And honestly, they really didn't do that much for me.

"Our God is a consuming fire."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Okay, normally I am OK with Scripture on a church sign. But can we get some context for the unchurched, PLEASE?!?! Pyro from the X-Men is a consuming fire as well...does that mean I should worship him too, or what?

"Fresh as water or dried up and dusty."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Who is? Or what is? And what about salt water? What is this sign talking about? My head hurts.

"Hungry? Try one of our Sundays!"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Niiiice play on words. Clever. *rolls eyes*

By the way, what if some legitimately hungry people do show up on Sunday? Do you think they have enough food around to feed them? "Oh....we were just sort of... joking around. Sorry." Great witness, guys.

"3-0! Go Dores!"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
This is in reference to Vanderbilt University's 3-0 start to this year's football season. Is it divine retribution on this sign that they are now 4-6? What a waste of space on a sign. "Boy I wish I knew what time this church held their services.....but it's nice to know that they're Vandy fans."

"Parking for church business only. Violators will be baptized."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Yep. Our religion and form of worship is so bad we use it as a threat to keep people away from our building. Works like a charm.

Idiots.




By the way, I have had a few requests recently for a list of good church signs. Sorry, everyone....so much garbage to review, so little time.....


Thanks to the new readers who submitted signs this time, and thanks again to my regular submitters, less and less of whom are my immediate family members.

Keep sending them in. 400+ visitors a week to the site! I should get a bunch more crummy submissions! Remember to read the archives for more great reviews.

"Even Jesus was into body piercing!!"

submitted AND reviewed by Dale Gehris, Springfield, MO
I'm sure people stop in all the time and say, "Hey! I just saw that clever little saying on your church sign. So I thought, 'You guys are contemporaryand relevant! You certainly speak my language!' So here I am! I figured I'd stop in on my way home from work and find out how to be saved. Oh, by the way, does this look infected to you?"

"Addicted to pornography? Join us Sunday morning at 10:30!"
submitted by Dale Gehris, Springfield, MO
See the baptismal tank used like you've never seen it used before!! The youth/college/singles groups probably showed up in record numbers this week!

PS: They are probably talking about Porn Sunday, a very worthwhile program put together by the good folds at www.xxxchurch.com But they should really be more specific on their church sign. Check them out if you haven't heard of them.

"God couldn't be everywhere, so He created mothers"
submitted by Kelly Quinn, East Texas
I picture this saying paired with a little cartoony drawing of God with a grey beard and a toga, kicking back in a lawn chair with a strawberry daiquiri while the almighty Mother takes care of all of earth's problems. Bah! Take this $&#% off of our church signs and put it on a $0.99 "Shoebox Greetings" card where it belongs.

I'M BACK! (...and look at the crap I'm bringin' with me!)

submitted by Jeff Keezel
This crummy church sign proudly brought to you by A Completely Different Religion Other Than Christianity.

"Come use our newly decorated bathrooms"
submitted by Jane Kelly, Cincinatti, Ohio
I wonder if they would be so excited if you decided to take them up on their offer at 1:15 on a Thursday afternoon.

"We are looking for a gifted keyboardist"
submitted by Jane Kelly, Cincinatti, Ohio
....because our current one sucks??

"Don't make me come down there : God"
submitted by Matt Henry, Kenosha, Wisconsin
And CERTAINLY don't make me send my Holy Spirit.......wait.........

"It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark"
submitted AND reviewed by Steve Jolly
This warning must "flood" the church with visitors every Sunday.

"Why be Catholic?"
submitted by Murphtronic
Murphtronic says he saw this sign on a Catholic church sign. Ya know, if they can't think of a good reason, then I sure as heck can't either.

"Need a new look? Get your faith lifted here!"
submitted by Tim Grasham
I can't believe I haven't reviewed this one yet, but a quick scan of the Archives (please read for many other reviews!) says that I haven't. Huh. Wonders never cease.
There are enough shallow and insecure people out there to actually think that a little faith might help them look better. Let's not encourage that, hmmm?

"You have problems. Jesus is the answer. Meet Him here on Sunday."
submitted AND reviewed by Official Church Sign Deputy, the Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
All day? Will there be coffee? Is he signing his new book? Does he take credit cards? If I miss him, is that the only place I can meet him?


Sorry for the delay in posting, everyone. Though I must admit, it's nice to have fans :) I will try to be more punctual from now on. Thanks for the support, and keep 'em coming!!!

"Lighthouses blow no horn. They only shine."

submitted by Rev. Hendrix, Atmore, Alabama
Crummy church signs shine no light. They only blow.

Sometimes this is just too easy.

"Jesus or Satan: Who are you following?"

submitted and assistant reviewed by Jhall
This week only: Vote for your favorite review! Send you vote to joelbezaire@yahoo.com
Okay, here's the review:

It must be Satan, because Jesus...
a) ...would use his turn signal.
b) ...wouldn't drive a minivan.
c) ...wouldn't have that "W" sticker on His car.

Okay, thanks for the recent deluge of church signs, guys. Jhall, Emily and Jenn are on the ball, joining Rev. Hendrix in the Frequent Contributor club. Thanks to first time contributor Jonathan. Read on......

"Sinners Anonymous meets here every Sunday at 10:30"
submitted by JHall
Well, when they reach Step Nine, they better $&^!% well apologize to me for this sign.

"God called: it's time for you to come home."
submitted by JHall
Okay, if God (being God, after all), can't bother to look up my cell number or find me in person or something, I don't think I am going to pay to much attention to any message he leaves on my machine or with a roommate....or with a completely strange church.

"How Do You Know God?"
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Do you think they really meant to put the "How" on this sign? Seems confusing....and odd....and off-putting.

"Your Words are a Window To Your Heart."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Wait, I thought my eyes were the window to my soul? Or are both true? I'm confused....

"God is the only right thing in a wrong world."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
A sign that is sure to draw in the disillusioned and heartbroken!

"Come on in...we have prayer conditioning!"
submitted and reviewed by Jonathan Powell, Huntsville, AL
I swear I have reviewed this one before, but for the life of me, I can't find it in the archives OR remember my review. So here goes a new one, courtesy of Jonathan:
Prayer. Like air. Funny. Ha ha.

Couldn'ta said it any better myself :)

Keep 'em coming, and remember to vote for your favorite review above.

"Be thankful for small blessings"

submitted and reviewed by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
...because, when you think about it, we really don't have any big blessings to be thankful for.

"You can avoid Jesus now, but you can't avoid hell later."
And this church can't avoid putting ridiculous signs up week after week. This church is on the way to my parents' house, and its like a never-ending parade of inane Christianese pseudo-theology. Complete rubbish, in other words.
And, by the way: can we really avoid Jesus now? Where's the Holy Spirit in all that?

And Rev. Hendrix is quickly becoming the most regular and enthusiastic contributor. Thanks. Everyone else, get on the ball and send in some more church signs :)

"A Mighty Fortress Is Our God. 9/11 and Storms Withstanding."

submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL

First of all, my prayers with the populations of Louisiana, Mississippi (My former home state) and Alabama. Please give generously to the Red Cross.

Second, let's forgo my traditional wise-&#&$ review and do a deeper analysis of this sign, seen by Rev. Hendrix in Mobile, AL (an area hit rather hard by Katrina itself).

The non-believing public, who must be searching for answers because of the tragedy of Katrina, would read this sign and interpret it two ways:

1) God has all things under his control, except for some things which slip through the cracks. He just missed 9/11 and Katrina. Whoops, His bad! Non believers who are already scarred by this event and read this sign will see a God that is untrustworthy, and why should we bother with an untrustworthy God?

OR...

2) Non-believers could read this sign to mean that even though the Gulf Coast was ravaged and decimated by Katrina, God and His physical kingdom are just fine, thankyouverymuch. While this is a defensible position from a biblical point of view, it is an incomplete one as well, and searching non-believers desperately need the rest of the story.

God is grieving the loss of life even more than we are. What a shame that the fall created a world where these tragedies can happen. So rather than shoving it in people's faces that God and his kingdom may not be physically damaged by the storm, or backhandedly implying that God "...just missed this one!", why not offer hope to those who need it? Why not offer them the hope and love they are searching for, and then tell them WHY we have that hope and love to offer?

I watched the concert for the Red Cross tonight, and was astounded at the number of songs that had gospel/Christian meanings or overtones. U2, Alicia Keys, Shirley Ceaser, Mariah Carey, Kanye West, Rod Stewart (and the awesome group that backed him) , and others I am forgetting all offered songs of inspiration and hope, most of them from a Christian perspective.

In this instance, we should be following the example of Hollywood and the music industry. (Man, I never thought I would be saying that). Rather than offer platitudes on our church marquees, can we not just offer them the love they need? Wouldn't more people be reached?

Sorry for the rant, I promise the next batch of reviews will be back to my old, wry self.

Comments welcome.

"What man ties up his hounds at night while his boys runs wild?"

submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
Uh.....well, Uncle Jesse, for one.

"The best exercise is to reach down and pull someone up."
submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
Or, if you want to work your "tri's", you could reach up and pull someone down.