So to speak...

submitted by Jim G. and Bethany K.

I guess the location of the quotation marks could be worse...it could say God "loves" you. Or maybe God loves "you".

---------------------------------------------------

"Unless you repent, you will"

submitted AND reviewed by Adam W.

If I'm gonna repent later anyway, might as well live it up today!

"He gave His life to save us. What will we give up to save ourselves?"

submitted by new contributor Rev. Jim C., New Orleans

This church is attempting to give up grace to save themselves.

You know, somebody should tell Jesus that his death on the cross was unecessary, since apparently we can just give up fried foods or chocolate or soda for a few weeks to save ourselves. My guess is that He's gonna be pissed.

Happy Lent, everybody. Observe it, by all means. But it doesn't save you. If it did, what do we need Jesus for?

"Love yourself as much as God loves you."

submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC

Crap. I just died for myself.

Okay, I'm back.

"Partial Repentance is No Repentance."

submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC

What?!? I said I was sorta sorry. I really thought that was good enough!

"A brook would lose its song if God removed the rocks."

Not really. Aerosmith removed the rock a long time ago, and they still play songs all the time.

The internet would lose its song if God removed humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Don't let that stop you from trying, though...

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
"...and we want to be just like God. Come on in and lose an argument!"
---------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B. ,VA
Guaranteed or double your money back!
-------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
So THAT'S where they put the water pump.
------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Yep...He's tagging along back there.

--------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
...or an enema?
------------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Nope, my biggest concern is that my aim might not be good enough to HIT that person....

--------------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
$1.75 plus tax.
--------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Don't understand them. Just see them, stare at 'em a while, then move on.
----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Well, if Rev. Catlett loves "IF" so much, why doesn't he marry it?!?
---------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.
Dang, if I could just live a little longer, then I could slack off more. Here's pullin for medical science!
---------------------------------------------------

“If you must swear, please don’t use my name. ~God”

submitted by Beau S.

Say words like "f**k" and "s**t" instead.

(Beau's heading to his email said "I swear to God I saw this sign...." Heh heh heh.

"Our God is an all-consuming fire."

submitted by Sandi Y., TN

So, WELCOME to our church!!

(Note: I know it's a Bible verse. Some context would be nice. Are non-Christians going to visit here?)

"Jesus wants full custody, not just weekends"

submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX (Sign seen in AL)

Weekends? Y'mean I'm supposed to already be giving Him my Saturdays too?!?!

----------------------------------------------------

As soon as I find where I saved my website files, I will add Duane to the frequent contributors page. He has more than earned it at this point. However, I am an idiot and have misplaced the most recently saved files. Sigh.

Keep 'em coming

Humor-blogs.com is an all-consuming fire.

Blurry Crumminess

submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.
The same goes for a good intravenous needle.
----------------------------------------------------------

"Faith in Faith is Faith astray"
submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC
So its probably better to just give up on faith altogether.

"My life helps paint my neighbor's picture of God."
submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC
...and my poor neighbor is trying to interpret a freaking Picasso.


If you missed yesterday's guest post over at Central Snark, be sure to check it out. It's a MadLib created by yours truly. On a scale from 1 to 10, I give myself a "mildly diversional."

Keep 'em coming.

Faith in humor-blogs.com is Faith well-placed.

Guest Posting at Central Snark!

Hello, faithful readers of Crummy Church Signs....

Thanks to my good friend Diesel from Mattress Police, I was able to guest-post over at Central Snark. Long time CCS readers will be shocked to hear that I qualify to write for a website with the name "Snark" in the title. This is where the world finds out if I can write anything remotely amusing that's over a sentence or two long. Sadly. the answer is "probably not".

Anyhow, head over to the Snark and read my post: It's a MadLib! Remember those? Yeah, that's right: I'm gonna make you work for your chuckles.

Have fun. Thanks to my new friends at Central Snark for letting me be part of the fun. Thanks to Diesel for setting me up.

Always good advice....

submitted by frequent contributor SpookyRach, TX
For example, "I will never leave you or forsake you". Nobody should say stuff like that.
-----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix, AL
...that He give His only begotten Son, that whosoever believe in Him shall not perish but has everlasting life.

Huh. Still sorta makes sense. Verb tenses are overrated. Who knew?!?!

See Miss Kitty, this is why I teach math and not English.
------------------------------------------------------
"Breaking a Control Freak"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
Next week, "Crushing the Attention Seeker".
Brought to you by the Ministry of Condemnation.

"Does the road you're on lead to me? -God"
submitted AND reviewed by Jennifer B.
I thought the road I was on led to Walmart..... stinking MapQuest.

Joel's Note: Hey, I'm just impressed they got the "you're" correct. (Instead of "your").

Keep 'em coming.

Next week: The Faithfulness of the Stew.

submitted by new contributor Rachel Harrison, GA
Take. Eat. This is my lasagna. Do this as often as you eat it....
-------------------------------------------------


submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor SpookyRach, TX
If it is, I suppose that makes me a lazy lard as.
-------------------------------------------------------------

"St. Valentine Found! True Love: Jesus!"
submitted by Paul R., Australia
Little pink crosses for you and me.

"If you're wrapped up in yourself, it's always a small package."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
The same is true if you just stepped out of a cold swimming pool.

"Real love never hurts"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Just ignore all that about greater love and laying down your life.

"Don't get stuck."
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Step 1: Liberally apply grease to body before entering church...

Just how small IS this church's baptismal tank?

"*Winter break*
Child care availb.
God luvs us!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Wow! Our church nursery only has generic diapers availb.

"Faults are thick where love is thin"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Bad signs are thick where thought is thin.

"Many things give you wisdom. Love makes you wise."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
I must be full of love; everybody calls me a wiseguy.

"For tomorrow is not promised"
(other side) "Get right or get left"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Maybe I drove past from the wrong direction.

--------------------------------------------------------
Thanks to Les and the Rachels, (and David and Paul) for a strong batch: A strong batch of signs, and a strong batch of reviews, also! I'm having a hard time keeping up with all the snarkiness. Hopefully my couple reviews lived up to the high standard.

Keep 'em coming.

Humor-blogs.com gives you wisdom AND makes you wise. Take that, love.

"Kindness is the oil that reduces the friction in life."

Kindness, huh? So that's what the "K" stands for....

"If your religion will not bring you to church, it will not take you to heaven."
...and if your religion will not take you to heaven, then it's a religion.

"Faith is caught, not taught."
So be sure to use protection.

"The Joy Virus"
submitted by Jennifer B.
So be sure to use protection, AND wash your hands regularly.

What is with equating Christianity's traits to illnesses? Is this supposed to be appealing to people?

"Feb. 18, 10:30 AM
TRANSFIGURATION"
submitted by Paul R., Melbourne, Australia
So if you're going to be late, it's best not to show up at all. You won't recognize the place at 10:31.

Keep 'em coming.

Humor-blogs.com is the leading cause of The Joy Virus among internet websites.

I suppose it's like a metric pilgrim...

submitted by new contributors Sally and Aaron Gates, AK
"Pilgrams" also gave smallpox to Native Americans. Next.

--------------------------------------------------------

submitted by Sally and Aaron Gates, AK
Well...only if He brings the cranberry sauce.
-----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H.
You should see what they say about March.

I realize that backwards "3" is supposed to be an ampersand...but it's really easy to ignore (or miss), and gives this sign a WHOOOOOLE new meaning. Really....how much can an ampersand cost?
----------------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by Suzi H.
A soul NEAR me?!? What about MINE?!?
-----------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by Suzi H.
You don't even want to know what it takes to know women.

----------------------------------------------------

Sorry for the Thanksgiving themed signs...Sally and Aaron were saving the pictures up for when they started their own blog of crummy church signs. Then they found my blog and gave up and just sent them to me. I love it when I crush hopes and dreams. Really, it's why I became a teacher. Seriously...thanks Sally and Aaron!! (and Suzi, who came strong again this time).

Keep 'em coming.

Humor-blogs.com is hitting on your significant other right now.

"God is loving you every moment."

submitted AND reviewed by Emily Bezaire, TN
With Open Arms, no less. Look: I like the sentiment, but this is about one overwrought step away from a Steve Perry lyric. Without the great hair to go with it.

"Salvation guaranteed or your sins back."
submitted by Aubrey McKelvey, TN
Even lust?!? YESSSSSSS!

"Prevent truth decay. Read your Bible daily."
submitted by Sandi, TN
Hi, folks. We're Christians. Not only do we make ridiculously cheesy puns ("Prevent truth decay, brush up on your Bible"), we're so crazy that we forget what those puns actually are and botch them on our own signs. Welcome to our church.

"Enjoy your walk through the garden of life."
...and don't forget to stop and smell the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Keep 'em coming.

By the way...if all blogs were comic book characters, humor-blogs.com would be Galactus.

Just in time for Valentine's Day!

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
A special message will be given by Dr. I. Jones, expert on all things ark-related.

(Not technically a church sign, but a nifty example of crummy church marketing). Thanks to Rev. Hendrix for the title of this post, also. Be sure to bring a loved one.
----------------------------------------
"People who fight fire with fire end up with ashes."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
Don't tempt me.

"Church is for people. R U People?"
submitted by Marnie P., MI
Apparently, from this sign, church is also for morons. Sigh.

"How do we stand God?"
submitted by E. MacKay, Ontario
A little comma goes a long ways, folks.

"We have a prophfet sharing plan."
seen here by Ironic Catholic
I guess they share "prophfets" like Jeremmiah and Izaiah.

"Slow down and let God love you like never before."
seen here by Ironic Catholic
Just speed up and get past this church as quickly as possible.

"God's penetration into the untouched areas of our lives."
seen here by Ironic Catholic
Pass!

Keep 'em coming.

I am now a Corporal in the humor-blogs.com army.

Peter?

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.
What should I do if I am in quicksand?
----------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.
Now if I could just find where I left the lock of the day and the key of the night, I would be all set.
----------------------------------------------------
"God is already at the end of your rope."
submitted by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
So just when you think your life is hopeless...you find out God hung Himself with YOUR rope?

"LIFE MATTERS
WEDNESDAY"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
But you can take it or leave it the rest of the week.

"Death: The end of excuses and the beginning of eternity."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
I think if Death plans to have ANY sort of long term success, He is going to need to pick a better marketing strategy than that.

"If you don't know whose signs these are, look again."
submitted by Jennifer B.
Of course, Death still has a better marketing strategy than this church does.

"Awesome Powers. The God who Snagged me."
submitted by Charles Churchill
Yeah, baby.

Says Charles about where he heard about the above sign: This was told by Tom Shillue, a comedian in New York. (It's on his podcast, one of the ones about his dad coming to visit). He said he saw it while he was jogging, he's Catholic and it was a Baptist church that was always trying to be edgy...

Listed on the new world-wide-web superpower humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

"Poor is the church that values programs over people."

submitted AND reviewed by Suzi H., NC

Only because programs can't tithe.



Joel's Note: Odd is the church sign that places its adjectives before its verbs. Today's church sign taken from Yoda 3:16.

"Join us Sunday for church. Bible in hand, prayer on heart."
...and if you don't have a Bible: Too bad, you can't come in.

"Don't rest untill you rest in Christ."
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
No rest for the...holy?

(sic) on the spelling, by the way.





"God holds your future in His hands"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.
If He holds the future in His hands, and He holds the world in His hands, does that mean that my future is the whole world?





"God's life is better than yours."
submitted AND reviewed by Jennifer B.
So...there!



Joel's note: I think it might have something to do with Him being immortal, omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and all that jazz. Tends to push someone over the top in terms of the Quality of Life index.

-----------------------------

submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix, AL

...when we can just do it ourselves!!

Why not just post, "How can you expect us to be in touch with the needs of our community and the realities of this world when we aren't even in touch with what month we're in?" It's February 5: Change your &^%&^% sign.

Welcome back, Rev. Hendrix.

---------------------------------------

Frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney sent in this link of some funny church signs. Some are obviously staged, which is why I won't review any of them. That doesn't take away the fact that some of them are hilarious.

Keep 'em coming.

posted on humor-blogs.com

"We're supposed to have character, not be one"

So conform, already!

(...and here I was, all ready with my Yosemite Sam costume as I headed off to church this morning. Guess I better go change really quick....)

"The person who sings his own praises is probably a soloist."
The person who literally sings his own praises needs his @$$ kicked. The person who speaks his own praises is probably a human being.

"Worry ends where faith begins."
submitted AND reviewed by Emily Bezaire, TN
Well, I suck at this Christianity thing, then. Thanks, sign.

Keep 'em coming.

"Others see your mistakes. God sees your intentions."

submitted by Morgan Foster
"Well done, thou good and faithful servant. At least you meant well."

"Trust God, but lock your doors."
submitted by Brad Elders
Oh, and just to be safe, God wants you to go ahead and buy a gun.

"Love is giving somone your time"
submitted and asst. reviewed by Megan W.
Wow...those inmates must really love our government, huh?


Oh...."freely" giving....gotcha.


Keep 'em coming.

Listed on humor-blogs.com

Take a look at them now....

submitted by Duane Brown, VA
Speaking of odds, I'll put 4-1 on this church making it onto this website at least one more time.
-----------------------------------------------

submitted by Duane Brown, VA
"Guest paster"?? Do they really advertise who is helping with craft time in Sunday School?

---------------------------------------------



submitted AND reviewed by Duane Brown, VA
I'll come back when the outlook's a little brighter, thanks.

Joel's note: I agree with the sign. Maybe such a statement deserves more than 6 words of explanation, though.


----------------------------------------------



submitted AND reviewed by Duane Brown, VA
Wow...if it wasn't for this church sign, I would have forgotten!
---------------------------------------------------

submitted by Duane Brown, VA

Nothing like a bunch of teenagers to dispense valuable insight and wisdom....
----------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by Duane Brown, VA

It's January 31...is Jesus the reason for hockey season, too?!?

------------------------------------

"Overtime may bring home the bacon, but not the bread of life."

submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA

Now if only we could find a metaphor involving lettuce and tomatoes...then at least we could make a yummy metaphorical BLT.

Obviously, Duane needs to hit the frequent contributors page. Nicely done, sir.

Keep 'em coming.

Listed on humor-blogs.com

This is the kind of sign we get when the V.A. starts handing out Viagra....

submitted AND thread titled by f.c. Miss Kitty, GA
This church puts the "luck" in potluck dinners, if you know what I mean...

"Where are you going when you're not going to heaven?
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
"WHEN"? What have they heard about us?!?

"Give the TV the boot, and you'll make more loot."
submitted by Les DuLunch, GA. Reviewed by his wife.
That's not what TBN tells me.

"New year. New day. Same God."
submitted AND reviewed by Les DuLunch, GA.
What am I supposed to say to that? Two outta three ain't bad?

"Life is an echo. You receive back what you send out."
This was at a baptist church...I guess their three sacraments are now baptism, Lord's Supper, and....karma?

"New Sermon Series: 'Why Be Baptist?' "
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
And as for "Why not?": Well, signs like this, I guess.

"We Follow the Prince of Peace. Join Us!"
"Let There Be Peace on Earth and Let it Begin With Us"
Opposite sides of the same sign.
submitted and asst. reviewed by Emily Bezaire, TN
Well, make up your minds. Does it begin with YOU or this "Prince of Peace" character??
-----------------------------------
I received submissions from a BUNCH of new people this time around. Let me just remind everybody that if I don't use a sign you sent in, please don't take it personally: it just means that I've already done it before.

Please keep sending them in.

Listed on humor-blogs.com

Quick Hit Crumminess

submitted by Rev. Chris B., IN
In fact the Gospel at our church is so full, one "L" can't contain all the "holliness" in here.

----------------------------------------



Crummy Church Signs is proud to be a part of a new project, called humor-blogs.com. Humor-blogs.com is an aggregate feed of the funniest blogs from around the known internet (and as soon as we find the unknown parts of the internet, we will be funnier than blogs found there as well).

Blogs with which I am honored to be included are....
Mattress Police
Kinda Kitschy
The Drive-By Blogger

Humor-Blogs.com will act as a gateway into our 4 blogs. This works because humor-blogs.com is available from even the farthest reaches of the interweb, something to which every website obviously aspires. The great news is that it can act as a gateway into YOUR BLOG AS WELL! How?? Go here and read how to be included on humor-blogs.com. You don't even have to be funny or even mildly amusing to profit from our hilarity.

"Don't be like a buzzaard and only come to church when someone is dead."

submitted by Rev. Randall H., FL
I'm confused....so they're saying I should stop rifling through the corpse's pockets?!?

One day they will invent "buzzaard" proof caskets and the need for signs like this will diminish.

"My way IS the highway"
submitted by Paul Rowse, Victoria, Australia
Further proof that orange barrels are from the devil.

Allen's Better Review (from the comments): This explains why so many folks on the highway are driving like a bat out of Hell.

"In eternity, what will your crown be made of: fire or jewels?"
submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
Wow...so now hell is giving out crowns. Whoever is running the promotions department down there is REALLY on the ball. That is a shot across the bow of The Competition for sure. Heaven is sure to respond with an offer of "Free Pitchfork with Paid Admission!"

"Sometimes some knee-ology is as good as some theology."
Take the author of this sign for instance: Rather than pummel him with theology, I would like to pummel him with some knee-ology, right in the....well, you get the idea.

"Sunrise is God's way of telling us to 'lighten up'."
submitted by Rev. Larry B., Asheville, NC
And sunset is God's way of telling us to crash and burn.

Keep 'em coming.

Guest Reviewer! Diesel from Mattress Police

A groundbreaking day at Crummy Church Signs....approximately once a month, I will ask one of my friends to guest review a batch of church signs. Just for a sort of "change of pace". We begin with the first guest reviewer: Diesel from Mattress Police. If you are not a regular reader of his blog, you need to be. Read on to see his take on some crumminess:

----------------------------------------------


Lately I've been pondering a change of direction in my life, so I've been asking for a sign to provide some guidance. Any kind of sign.


That's when I got an email from Joel. With lots of signs. Lots of crummy signs.

It was clear what I needed to to. But before I changed my email address, I decided to snarkilate those signs:

submitted by Duane B., VA

You mean the diffusion of confusion?

----------------------------------------------

submitted by Duane B., VA

...you worthless sack of #$%&@.
------------------------------------------

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle"

But the safe money is still on hiding under a bushel.

"Atheists are beyond belief"
This sign is meant to give those of you on the edge a little push.


"God gives and forgives. Man gets and forgets."
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer Bezaire, TN
Other than not specifying what God gives, whom he gives it to, whom he forgives, what he forgives them for, why He forgives them, what man gets, what he forgets, and why I should care, this is actually a pretty good sign.



"Need a new life? God accepts trade-ins."
submitted by Rev. Randall H., FL
Just don't expect full Bluebook value.

Well, I feel better. Joel, if you need to contact me in the future, my new email address is probertson@700club.com.

----------------------------------------------------

A big thanks to Diesel, and be sure to make Mattress Police a regular stop on your blog visits.

Look for a new guest contributor in February, and look for some more crumminess tomorrow, as I already have some stored up...

As always, keep 'em coming.

"Some drink deeply from the fountain of life. Others just gargle."

submitted by new contributor Dr. John Herpel, NH
And others wade knee-deep into the fountain to do body shots with Jager chasers.

"Life is hard. Afterlife is harder."
submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
There's hard time....then there's hard time in heaven. Makes even the most hardened criminal shudder.

Patience, please. More reviews coming soon (pant, pant).

Listed on humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

"Make a new year's resolution to grow and glow in Christ."

submitted AND reviewed by Amy J., MS
Exactly! That's why I follow Radioactive Jesus!

"Jesus built us a bridge with two boards and three nails."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
MacGyver of Nazareth.

"If you're going to curse, use your own name."
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK.
Okay...
"Joel off!"
"Shove it up yer Joel!"
"Eat Joel and Die"
"Joel Dammit!"
It really doesn't have the same effect, does it?

Future signs at this church:
"If you're going to be envious, envy your own stuff"
"If you're going to lie, lie to yourself"
"If you're going to be slothful, use your own Lay-Z-Boy."
"If you're going to lust, use.....

Nah.

"Where is God? Where is He not?"
submitted by Sandi Y., TN
a)Heaven
b) Hell

What do I win?


NOTE: Simplified and incomplete theology, I know, but c'mon: Aren't most passers-by going to write off that sign as easily as that?

"You can't control the color of your skin."
submitted by Sandi Y., TN
I suppose this was some misguided "tribute" to MLK day, but boy is this sign terrible.
Why not just put up "Sure everybody wants to be white, but some people can't help it, so give them a break."
Horrifying.

"Cars aren't the only thing recalled by their maker."
Yes, little Billy...your father died because there was faulty wiring in his ignition, and God couldn't let him go on living that way....that'll be $439.76.

"God created a warning system...a conscience."
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer Bezaire, TN
And I'm pretty much at Threat Level Orange (Elevated) the whole time.

--------------------------------------------------------------
If you recently sent a sign and it wasn't used in this post, be patient please.....there's been a lot to cover recently!! I need to spread the wealth!!

Keep 'em coming.

Housekeeping!

Okay, fellow bloggers...if interested, you can click on the thumbnail below to use that neat little thumbnail to link back to Crummy Church Signs from your blog. A lot of you link to me (for which I am very grateful, and more than a little surprised), and I thought some of you might want something more interesting than a text link. Thanks to Diesel for the thumbnail. By the way, Diesel: I'm gonna use that thumbnail, OK?

EDIT: Use the HTML code in the sidebar to link to me using the thumbnail. Thanks, Diesel.

Also, some new additions to the sidebar:

Be sure to vote for me on the Blog List thing I signed up for (button on the right). I signed up as a religion blog (rather than humor), simply because I tried to decide which would be the bigger coup: This blog at the top of the humor blogroll or at the top of the religion blogroll, and I picked religion. Help me realize a dream, folks.

Next, I updated the blog list, and will add more as I remember who belongs there. I lost a lot of superfluous stuff also. Email me if you think you belong on the blogroll.

Third, you can now see who visits CCS. Gregory had a cool widget on Kinda Kitschy that lets you see who has visited. But it only works if you sign up with them.

Finally, you can now see random collections from my Library if you are looking for some good reading suggestions. Scroll to the bottom of the sidebar. If they ever make one of those for CD collections, it will take me a good 3 weeks to enter all of mine. Thank goodness my library isn't as large.

Wait...that's not such a good thing, is it?!?

Speaking of Diesel, (which, if you think waaaay back, I mentioned Diesel earlier in this post)...look for a couple of cool things coming up from Crummy Church Signs, Mattress Police, and some of your other favorite humor blogs.....coming soon.

"God is nowhere. Read again."

submitted by Brian G., VA
I did read it again. It still didn't make any *&^%% sense.

Seriously...am I missing something? Is there a hidden pun there? I don't get it.

EDIT: Thanks to Baxter and Niles in the comments section: "nowhere" = "now here". Har.

"The Wise Men Still Seek Him"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen
Wow! They must be really old! Shouldn't someone tell them about the ascension?

Joel's Note: Also, shouldn't someone tell this church that it's mid-January and they need to change their sign?

“We ignore God and blame Him for the chaos”
submitted by new contributor Rev. Randall H., FL
No. We Christians tend to ignore the chaos around us then blame God, or at least use Him as an excuse for our inattentiveness. Which is just as bad.

"The best ability is dependability."
submitted by frequent contributor Kevin Sample. Sign from TN.
Click here for a quick primer in depend-ability.

Keep 'em coming.

"The only ghost around here is holy"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
Have people been coming to this church expecting to see Casper or (worse yet) Patrick Swayze?

"Don't Just Mark Your Bible Let It Mark You"
submitted by Mary Beth M., GA
New! NIV Bible with skin engraver! Only $19.95! Call now, operators are standing by!

“Anger can get you in trouble. After all, it’s only a letter away from Danger.”
submitted by Beau S.
I hear there's a similar reason why the funk can get you in trouble, too.

Keep 'em coming.

So....many...crummy...pictures.

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
And as long as your motives are pure, you get to go to heaven! Isn't that right?!?!

Wait.....
-------------------------------------------------

submitted by Frank F., TX

Nothing wrong with the sentiment here. Just a funny (some might even say "ironic") church name. Photo taken in Cash, TX (which explains a lot).

-------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK

Well...I suppose we can be thankful that they didn't spell it "Sonny".

Note: Speaking of funny church names, Rev. Kenney assures us that this church is not as confused as their church name makes them appear. The church is located in Calvin, OK.

-------------------------------------------

submitted by Claude Lett IV

But just a taste...and certainly not during the Lord's Supper.

------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor SpookyRach, TX

Even the naughty bits?

(NOTE: My review was going to be "And every bit of lust on earth has a Google search at the other end of it", but that would have been inappropriate, so I didn't include it.)
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submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
Pat...I'd like to solve the puzzle!

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submitted by Duane B., VA

I couldn't have said it worse myself.

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Thanks for all the pictures, guys!

Keep 'em coming.

Not the Faith Angle? Really?

submitted by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
An obtuse try-angle?

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submitted and asst. reviewed by Sean M.
Let's all say a special prayer for this church's custodian, or whoever's responsible for cleaning the rest rooms after this one.
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"I know of 10 things written in stone! -God."
submitted AND reviewed by Anonymous
...but could someone remind where I put them again... My omnipotence is a bit off today.

"Feed your faith, and doubt will starve."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Feed your faith too much, and your hipth will grow.

"Who's your Daddy?"
submitted by Michelle S., MN
I dunno. He left when I was a kid. Thanks for reminding me, and double thanks making light of it.

NOTE: My dad didn't leave when I was a kid. But imagine how that sign reads to someone in that situation. Nice.

"Revival postponed until next Saturday."
submitted by Paul B. Sign from TN.
The Holy Spirit called, and He got caught up in a snowstorm in Sheboygan. We'll just have to revive next week.

Keep 'em coming.

"Help wanted: to assist a carpenter in repairing broken souls."

submitted by frequent contributor Kyle E., AL
...because, trust me, the carpenter in question needs a lot of help sometimes.

"Without God, we don't have a prayer."
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Duane B., VA
A non-believer would see this and say "I agree. So what?"
A believer would see this and say "I agree. So what?"

"Don't worry about tomorrow. God is already there."
submitted AND reviewed by increasingly frequent contributor Suzi H., NC
Well...I guess that explains why yesterday sucked.

"Fault finding is a skill that should be buried."
submitted AND reviewed by Suzi H. NC
I've heard of anti-semitism, but anti-seismologism??

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An occasional new feature on CCS....what Joel is doing. Basically, anything I am currently enjoying watching, listening to, or reading. In case anyone cares.

Joel is listening to:
"Light Grenades" by Incubus

Joel is reading:
"Prayer" by Philip Yancey
"Justice League of America" (ongoing) by Brad Meltzer


Keep the crumminess coming here.

"Holding back the wrath of God"

submitted by Sean M.
That church must have one *&%*& of a weight room/fitness center.

"Find Heaven in '07"
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
Uh-oh. Somebody is looking to "off" Rev. Kenney, it would appear. Not to mention everyone that drives past that church.
Full time staff employed at that church: Pastor, Secretary, Worship leader, and Sniper.

"God Called.
What did you say?
Huh-Oh."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
So, we have one church sniping at passers-by, and another one wire-tapping their phones. Nice.

Isn't it supposed to be "Uh-oh"?

"Next year is now."
submitted by Beau S.
This sign proudly brought to you by January 9, 2008.

Keep 'em coming.

He must be reading something really interesting...

submitted by Richard D., CA. Sign from IN.
Well, I wish He'd get off. I have to go.

"A New Thing."
submitted by Sean M.
Is DC Talk performing there this week?

Actually, in order for that to happen it would have to be 1994 again.


Just a little CCM humor for your weekend.

Keep 'em coming.

New Year. Same old crummy.

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK

I don’t think that’s allowed, except in the last round...

Joel's note: I am going to try and write a praise song with that title. I'll let you know how it goes.

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submitted AND reviewed by Suzi H.

So what exactly was Jesus doing at Cana? Making fun of the bridesmaids' dresses?

Joel's note: I'm think that's somewhere in Proverbs, but I'm pretty sure some context is in order to really understand it.

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submitted AND reviewed by Suzi H.

...and the man decieved by weak drink isn't wise either. Plus, he's pissed off that he spent a bunch of money on watered-down booze.

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"Trade in your pieces for God's peace."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen from Allen's Brain

Yes, and trade in your "Oh great's for God's grace!
And trade in your bombs for the Balm of Gilead!
And trade in your home phones for homophones!

"Be a Linus in a Lucy world."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX

The Gospel according to St. Charles the Schultz.
Is this telling us to carry around a security blanket the rest of our lives and scream "I'm not your sweet baboo!"?

Joel's note: I bet I know what song they played for the offertory!

Diesel's Review from the comments section (best review ever): I'll stick to being a Calvin in a Hobbes world.

"Where are you going when you're not going to church"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA

Why? What have you heard?

"Eternal life is never temporary."

seen here by new contributor Nathan Coleson

As opposed to all of those other temporary eternal things.

"Superman Returns, So Does Jesus"

submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Marty E., TN

I wonder if Superman could lift a rock that God created that even He couldn't lift?

Joel's Note: I wonder who Bizarro Jesus would be?

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Pretty easy day for me. Copy/Paste a bunch of times. Nice work, everybody.

Keep 'em coming.