Redey or not....

submitted by new contributor Lisa McSpadden
Well ever since I hit the tanning bed, I have more of an "orangey" tint, but thanks for asking.
-------------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Doing a double-take to re-read what this stupid sign said doesn't count.
---------------------------------------------------------
submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
It's also true that "What a moth calls the end, God calls a light", but I guess that's not quite as inspirational.
-------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

And if you're low on physical gas, we're serving beans at our next potluck dinner!
---------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Don't let the fact that you're driving a snow plow discourage you.
----------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Duane also sent in the other side of this sign, which said,

"Look around and be distressed. Look inside and..."

I just wanted to give you a version of what people only driving in one direction would see. Why do church signs assume people travel both directions on a road? Or are we supposed to learn how to read in our rear-view mirrors?
--------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviwed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Hopefully love is clean and disease free.
---------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

40 days only. After that, we're back to aimlessly going through life.
---------------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Today's sermon by Paul Harvey.
-------------------------------------------------------------

submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
I'd be much more comfortable with His return if He didn't insist on wearing those blue tights.
-------------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
...and this time, He'll be running for governor of California.
--------------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Funny enough, I'm 90% sure that this is NOT my first submission from a Tattoo Parlor. Anybody else remember that? Anyone want to search the archives for it? Yeah, me neither.

I guess tattoo artists were never known for their grammar skills. ("You're").
----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

So we're not supposed to be searching for the Lord, but for the Angel of the Lord ("Lo, the Angel of the Lord....")
---------------------------------------

"Blessed is he who is not offended by Jesus."

submitted AND reviewed by Don A., CA

That's all He asks?

------------------------------------------------

"Don't judge a church by its pillars."

submitted by new contributor Indie Davis, TN
I tried not to, but I just can't help it when they're painted like barbershop poles.
-----------------------------------------------

"Bow before God and His rainbow will surround you"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
The benediction every Sunday at the Church of the Pipe Dream goes:
'Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with string
These are a few of my favourite things...'

--------------------------------------------------

Duane...step away from the camera. You're risking your job and family with all of these crummy church sign submissions. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

(Seriously..thanks. If you think these are a lot of submissions, you should have seen how many were in the email that I DIDN"T use!)

Blessed is he who is not offended by humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Still no takers.

submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Jennie S., IN
Jennie originally submitted this sign in January. It is still up in April.

How awful is this friend if they still haven't given him away after all this time?
-------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie S.
I think it starts with paying your dues, time after time...
--------------------------------------------------------


submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.
Our Bible Drill team kicks serious ass!
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Spring is God's greeting card"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.
Does that make winter his pink slip?

"The birds are back, the grass is green, God did it again."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.
Whew, it's a good thing too, I was worried about Satan's red grass showing up...and don't get me started on those bats...

"When God is glorified, Satan is horrified."
submitted by Elizabeth B., GA
As Diesel has pointed out in a previous comments section...if my sole purpose for glorifying God is pissing off Satan, I think my priorities need examining. Except he said it funnier.

"I don't know why some
People change churches:
What difference does it make
Which one you stay home from?"
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Imagine if you were becoming a church member on the Sunday that this sign was up....

"Building an alter"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Ego?

"Your spiritual DNA-
Divine
Nature
Associated with God."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Did
Not
Anticipate such crumminess.

"Jesus – No Roaming Charges. He can hear you now."
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Randall H., FL
I eagerly anticipate every new cell phone marketing scheme. They always end up on church signs.

In fact, next time I see a new marketing tactic or a new slogan for a cell phone company, I will post it and start a pool on when I will have the first church sign with that slogan on it submitted to the blog.

"Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape."
Yeah...I can't believe Jesus missed that one!

"Friends are kisses blown to us by angels."
And Friends With Benefits are when the angels just bl.....

Never mind.
------------------------------------
When Humor-blogs.com is glorified, Satan is horrified.

Keep 'em coming.

Does He have Buns of Steel?

submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Homophones our a b**ch, aren't they?
-----------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Wes Kenney, OK
Especially if He's wearing his "hot pants". After all, it seems He's been doing Pilates.
-------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
Why would we throw it out when so much of it is recycled anyhow?
-------------------------------------------------

"Easter should satisfy your soul, not just your sweet tooth"
submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
And in Georgia, there's a reason they don't feel the need to pluralize "tooth".


I kid my Georgia friends.

"24/7: The anytime-anywhere-God's-there show."
submitted by Amanda M., GA
Starring Keifer Sutherland as Jack Chick.

"Hosanna Hosanna,
bless is he that comes and celebrate Jesus!"
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Verb tenses and adjectives are almost as hard as homophones!

“The cross is the ladder to Heaven.”
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL. Reviewed by Jim F., AL
Does that make sin the chute to Hell?

“The hope of a new year comes in a change of the old you.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Yeah, cause those underpants are REALLY starting to smell ripe.

"Who was
Who is
Who is to come"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Who, who, WHO?! Tell me already! The suspense is killing me!
-----------------------------------------------------------

I'll tell you, Nickie...they're talking about humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

What about a perfect one?

submitted by new contributor Daniel M., IN
Happy Easter, everyone. As much snarking as I do on this site, I hope everybody realizes that I really do believe this stuff and it has changed my life. The only reason I'm so often grumpy about these church signs is because it casts our risen Savior in a (silly) negative light. Have a great holiday. On with the tom-foolery:
-----------------------------------------

submitted by new contributor Daniel M., IN
...and then you're done!

-------------------------------------

"GOD IS MOVING!"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX

Well, I hope He at least leaves a forwarding address.

"This Sunday:
Who's the fool?"

submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B., OK

OK, they're just asking for it with this one.

"Delay is not denial, so keep praying"

submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.

But it might be denial. Why don't we just keep praying because we should enjoy talking to God?

"Sunday Brunch
10:30-12:00
Serve The Lord."

submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Beau S.

So you know, He prefers an extra heapin' of grits. And do NOT burn His toast...

"Shake the devil off"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA

Is that what I stepped in?

"Fly the Rapture Airlines"

submitted by new contributor Dia C., MO

Believe it or not, you STILL only get a measly bag of peanuts.

"Since Jesus is the bread of life, who's holding your bologna?"

submitted by new contributors Jeremy T. and Mark R., AR

I don't know, but at least now I know who has the cheese...

"You must feel a prayer before God can hear it."

GOD: "Huh? Did somebody say something? Oh well...."

What a joke of a sign.

---------------------------------------

Humor-blogs.com probably has some bologna to go with your bread of life.

Keep 'em coming.

Especially when you poke him with it.

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC
And Next on Dr. Phil, we explore why the Devil has these issues and what he can do to work through them constructively.
-----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC

If this sign to you is but a convoluted mess, you're not alone.

--------------------------------------------------------

submitted by Chuck S.

And if you fail, you're out of the club.

What horrid theology....

----------------------------------------------------

submitted by Chuck S.

...or a trail separation.

The financial cost is the most compelling reason to avoid divorce? Really?

-----------------------------------------------------------

submitted by Chuck S.

Just slow down to about 20 mph, and we'll toss a wafer and a juice box in your window for you.

------------------------------------------------------

"You may be getting old, but don't give up!"

submitted AND reviewed by Jennifer B.

..try Viagra instead!

"Get plugged in at <insert church name here>"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Going to church just makes me feel tingly all over.

"God reaches out in many ways. You read this sign didn't you?"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les Du Lunch, GA

Somehow, I always thought that if God reached out to me through a church sign, His message would be more than, “Made you look!”

"2007: Year of the Lord's release. Are you in position to receive?"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA

(First sentence) I didn’t know that the Lord was in jail.
(Second sentence) No, I got confused on the play and ran a buttonhook, and He threw long.

“Blessed are attitudes - To be by”
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA

Yep...any attitude you can "be by" is blessed.

I guess that means this blog is really blessed...it tends to show a little attitude from time to time.

"Blessed are the presecuted"
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA

Is that what happens when you a persecuted before you do anything to deserve it?

“There’s a party at the end of the world.
Do you have your ticket?
Details inside.”

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Will it be at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe?

-------------------------------------------------------------

Actually, Les, the party will be held at humor-blogs.com

In the previous post, I inadvertently gave Les DuLunch credit for the Scent of Grace sign...sorry to whomever submitted that one...feel free to take the credit you deserve. I deleted the email, so it's up to you now.

Keep 'em coming.

...and they shall give us all allergies.

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Other plants will wither and die, however.
----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Isn't Easter season more about the exit? And re-entry?
--------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Jesus thinks this sign is clever.

-------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

That's one way to perpetuate a stereotype.
------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA

I thought it smelled like Teen Spirit.

----------------------------------------------------

"Lent is like Spring Training for Christians."

In Spring Training, the players don't try hard because they know it doesn't matter at all in the long run. So, this sign is right!

"The Easter Bunny never rose from the dead"

submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Craig B., CA

I'll have to drive by around Christmas to see if they tell me Santa Claus wasn't born in a manger.

Humor-blogs.com never rose from the dead, either.

Keep 'em coming.

I asked if I could borrow a smoke...

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
I think it's fairly important that they fill us in on what the question was.

Note: About the title to this post...don't smoke, kids.
--------------------------------------

submitted by James G.

This sign soothes like a bomb.
-----------------------------------------

"Jesus is not bunk"

submitted by Vanessa M., Winnipeg, Manitoba

Though, being a carpenter, chances are he made some pretty good bunks.

“An Oak is a nut that held its ground”

submitted AND reviewed by Rev. Randall H., FL
So we’re advocating insanity at any cost?

“With Jesus we are never a write-off”

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen, sign from Auburn, IL
What a guy! He not only “renders unto Caesar,” he refuses to list his charitable gift of Calvary as a deduction! And consider all the dependents he could have claimed!

"To love and to help are the most beautiful verbs."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL

Um, aren't those infinitives?

"Do whatever it takes to get to Jesus."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL

King Herod continued, "...that kid sleeps with the fishes TONIGHT!"

"Our motto: an anchor of hope in a perilous sea."

submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL

I think they need a mantra to explain what the heck the motto means.

Do whatever it takes to get to humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Crummiest Sign Ever?!?

submitted by new contributor Julie Jacobs, sign from AL.
Twice in four hours?! I'll have what he's having.
------------------------------------------

"How rare it is to find a person quiet enough to hear God speak"
submitted by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
You'd think God would have a bigger voice than I do.

Yeah, yeah "Still small voice..." and all that jazz. My point is if God wants to be heard, He is.

"Sunday is the Lord's Day. AM & PM"
submitted by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
PM too?!? Does that mean I have to push my child sacrifices to Mondays?

-------------------------------------------------------

I know I said I wasn't posting a lot this week, but I had to get that first one out once it was sent to me. One of the greatest crummy church signs ever. Way to start off strong, Julie.

Thanks for all your kind thoughts and prayers sent my way. It's officially asthma...fairly serious case, but should be treatable. I'm on two different steriods right now, meaning by this time next year I will either be extremely ripped of a big blob of lard and grease. I know which one I'm rooting for, and I know which one is more likely. Ah well.

Humor-blogs.com ....climaxing daily.

Keep 'em coming.

Gensis, Exdus, Levitcus, Numbrs....

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Gensis 1:2 -- God creatd teh spel chekr
-----------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

...and shattering our ankles in the process.
------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Good thing He specified...I was about to fill it with Peanut M&M's.
---------------------------------------------------------

submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Yep. I need to change the battery, and it's set on the wrong time, though.

---------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Hands-on Demonstrations Available Inside!

------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Wes Kenney, OK

Just ask Jesus!

--------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Wes Kenney, OK

So just be lazy instead. Saves you the worry.

Are the churches in this town color coded or something?

----------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix, AL

Seriously! We just made this new message up on the spot!

Rev. Hendrix points out that this sign went up recently, and it replaced a CHRISTMAS sign. Apparently, the community was getting fed up with the extremely dated message. So they replaced it with a crappy one. Good call.
--------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by Monstertruckman

I was waiting for him at the church down the block. Boy, are they going to be jealous.

-------------------------------------------------

submitted by Monstertruckman

YES! Individual, unmatched, used socks! Party time!

----------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.

Umm...couldn't a lot of snails live underwater? Or ride around on some flotsam? Like, there weren't any fish on the ark, right? Why snails?

"Yes! A liberal church!"

submitted by Lauren J., NC

Take a look at the church sign in this post about people doubting what you say....I think that church and the one that put this sign up would get along just swimmingly, don't you?!?

----------------------------------------

Posts may be infrequent this week. Three reasons:

1. I'm on spring break

2. Our house goes up for sale tomorrow

3. I am having serious respiratory issues...asthma? COPD? Allergies? Pneumonia? Who knows!?! Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion!

By sheer blind luck, humor-blogs.com reached the ark.

Keep 'em coming.

This church has a school on its campus....

submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC
Seriously...where are this school's English teachers? I suppose they all think "The King's English" refers to Richard Petty or Elvis?
-----------------------------------------------



"Make no bones about it- Jesus rose from the dead"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
Must we justify anything James Cameron says? They do know Leo wasn't really on the Titanic, right? And Arnold isn't really the Terminator?



"Please don't make the preacher lie at your funeral"
submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire
Oh, don't worry....I'm perfectly fine with the preacher standing up.



If you are true to humor-blogs.com you won't be false to no one.

Keep 'em coming.

"Knowing Jesus. So easy a caveman could do it."

submitted by frequent contributor Allen.
Tell me, just how easy was it for those cavemen who were around BEFORE Jesus?

"Every heartbeat brings you closer to God."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen.
I'm just glad that I can get closer to God without doing anything but maintaining my pulse.

"Worry pays, but it keeps you in debt."
submitted AND reviewed by Rev. Randall H., FL
...but the balance transfer fee is killer.

"Only pray on days that end in "y""
submitted by Rev. Randall H., FL
So "tomorrow" is pretty much out.

"GODS
HOLYSPIRITIS
HEREAMEN"
submitted by Rev. Joe H., WV
AndHeiscausingustorushthrougheverythingbreathlesslyamen.....

---------------------------------------------
Sometimes, some funny things happen at CCS. The first funny thing to happen was that no less than 10 people sent me the old standard "Stop, Drop, and Roll Doesn't Work in Hell." just this week. I've already reviewed it (somewhere), but thanks to all who submitted it. I just wonder what the heck happened around the country to compel all these churches to start using that particular sign.

The second funny thing is that the hit counter in the right hand sidebar is about to hit 50,000. And I only put it on a year or so ago. I don't know what you people like so much about this site, but thanks for visiting and I hope you keep on enjoying it. Thanks for being part of the fun.

Keep 'em coming.

Humor-blogs.com pays, but it keeps you in debt.

Let the cats starve, though.

submitted by Tracy R., SC
And my guess is you could still feed the preacher, while you're at it...

I like the church name as much as the crummy slogan. "Donalds Church of God". Does Donald offer other churches that I should know about?
---------------------------------------------
"Any fool can criticize and most fools do"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
Yeah, Jesus. Enough overturning of tables and daring to cast stones. Just live and let live, man. Be cool.

"Tough times don't last, tough people do."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
Brando was tough once. Now? Not so much.

Joel's note: Isn't this sign saying the EXACT POLAR OPPOSITE thing as "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." ?!? Jesus says be meek and you will inherit the earth. This church says be tough, and you will outlast the meek. I guess this is what Jesus meant to say.

"What you do with Jesus will determine what He'll do with you"
submitted and asst. reviewed by Emily Bezaire, TN
Cue the parental reprimand: What am I going to do with you?!?! I wonder if Jesus uses your middle name when He's fed up with you, like your parents did.

"Gaining an open heaven"
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
...because I am tired of losing the close ones.

"Become another dopeless hope fiend!"
Sadly, the dopeless part becomes impossible as soon as this sign is involved.

Besides, I entered a rehab clinic for my hope addiction a while ago.... (You may finish this joke with just about anything and it will be funny.)

"A large heart can be filled with very little."
They are not unlike many Christians' heads in this way.

-----------------------------------
Check out frequent contributor and humor-blogs.com guru Diesel tonight at 7 PM Pacific Time on the internet radio show Pop-Load! Bonus points if anyone calls in with any Crummy Church Sign comments or questions.

Keep 'em coming.

In case of rapture, feed humor-blogs.com

Vote for Crummy Church Signs!

A post from Crummy Church Signs has been nominated for "Funniest Post in February", and you can vote for this post (or, alternatively, you can read the other nominees and make an informed decision) by clicking here.

Some pretty funny stuff there. Vote early, vote often.

Visiting The Snark again...

Having not yet driven enough readers away from their blog, the fine folks at Central Snark have invited me back for yet another guest post.
Head over there and find out about the new math textbook I have begun writing. Relax...this math textbook is FUN!

So to speak...

submitted by Jim G. and Bethany K.

I guess the location of the quotation marks could be worse...it could say God "loves" you. Or maybe God loves "you".

---------------------------------------------------

"Unless you repent, you will"

submitted AND reviewed by Adam W.

If I'm gonna repent later anyway, might as well live it up today!

"He gave His life to save us. What will we give up to save ourselves?"

submitted by new contributor Rev. Jim C., New Orleans

This church is attempting to give up grace to save themselves.

You know, somebody should tell Jesus that his death on the cross was unecessary, since apparently we can just give up fried foods or chocolate or soda for a few weeks to save ourselves. My guess is that He's gonna be pissed.

Happy Lent, everybody. Observe it, by all means. But it doesn't save you. If it did, what do we need Jesus for?

"Love yourself as much as God loves you."

submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC

Crap. I just died for myself.

Okay, I'm back.

"Partial Repentance is No Repentance."

submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC

What?!? I said I was sorta sorry. I really thought that was good enough!

"A brook would lose its song if God removed the rocks."

Not really. Aerosmith removed the rock a long time ago, and they still play songs all the time.

The internet would lose its song if God removed humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.