Would you like to fry with that?

submitted by Molly Bjork, WI
...thanks to signs like these that drive people away from church.
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"It's not easy being piggy"
submitted by frequent contributor Beau S.
Not easy being green....not easy being piggy....these two have it really rough.

Y'know, it's hard to make fun of signs when you have absolutely no point of reference for what the crap they were trying to say. Any ideas?
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"Jesus Christ GOD R Done!"
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Bill Beatty
...as spoken by the prophet Larry of Cable.
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Make sure you check back tomorrow for a huge, worldwide, virtual PARTY! You won't want to miss it!
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Humor-blogs.com. Super-sizing daily.

Keep 'em coming (Note the new address, all you contributors).

Civil Snark

I'm back guest-posting at Central Snark today. It's a pretty weak effort on my part (sorry, OHP), but if you've been there before you'll know what I'm talking about. Enjoy (or at least tolerate) my letter to the civil engineers in my town. If you don't visit and read it they may not invite me back to try and redeem myself, so at least give it a shot....please?!?

More crumminess to come.

"God-ade. Is He In You?"

submitted by new contributor Steve Sensenig, NC
The gospel writers got it wrong. Those weren't drops of blood Jesus was sweating. They were drops of Fruit Punch flavored God-ade. It was in Him!
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"Come Celebate Mother's Day With Us"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic. Seen here of Flickr.
Reminds me of the old joke about a monk transcribing, as they have for centuries, an extremely ancient manuscript on monasticism. He suddenly burst into furious tears. When asked what was wrong, he said "the word is CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE!"
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"God is like Tide. He gets out the stains others leave behind."
submitted by new contributor Kendra L.
Also, he comes and goes like the Tide, too.

Wait...
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"Exposure to the sun may prevent burning."
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
Look...if you're going to use a stupid play on words, at least choose the correct homophone to make your point.

Exposure to this sign may prevent intelligence.
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Humor-blogs.com. Is it in you?

Keep 'em coming. (Frequent contributors: Please note the new email for contributions)

Christine's Crummy Vacation

Frequent Contributor Christine recently took a trip from VA to FL and back, and unloaded a slew of church signs on us. This entire post is dedicated to Christine's Vacation of Crumminess:

"Birthdays are good – the more you have the longer you live."
...and the longer you stay away from that "heaven" place.
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"He who has no fire in himself cannot warm others."

And he isn't nearly as much fun at parties.
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"Sunday: How *not* to get to Heaven."
Do we need help?
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"Trees don’t produce fruit for themselves."
For real? Has science screwed this one up too?
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"Start the fire: Wednesday, Thursday, Friday."
Put it out: Saturday, Sunday, Monday.
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"Welcome truckers, bikers. Altar open daily"
Car drivers: Altar closed.
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" 'I got robbed at Calvary Christian Center.' -Satan"
I robbed Satan at Calvary Christian Center.' -Some chump who is for sure lying.
----------------------------------------------------


"Sometimes the cross we bear isn’t ours."
Well, congratu-freakin'-lations.

Maybe at church, our focus should be one the guy who bore our cross for us. Just a thought.
----------------------------------------------------


Thanks, Christine! I hope your vacation wasn't marred by the crumminess of these signs. If the rest of you think she should have spent more time vacationing and less time writing down crummy church signs...well, I only used about half of the ones she submitted!


For those keeping score at home, Christine helped with the reviews on signs #3 and #5. In fact, #5 was all hers.

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I got robbed at humor-blogs.com - Satan


Keep 'em coming: NOTE TO ALL CONTRIBUTORS: I am eventually closing down my Yahoo mail account, to focus my email attention on the vastly superior Gmail. The new address will be reflected in all future "Keep 'em coming-s", as it is reflected in the two previous ones in this paragraph and the sidebar to the left. No biggie if you can't remember for a while, but I will eventually shut down the Yahoo account completely.

All in favor?

submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries, MI
So let's form a political group called "The Moral Majority".....
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submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
First things first....what are we playing?
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submitted by new contributor John Rottet, NC
Well, I certainly hope they asked the Holy Ghost first.
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submitted by Jill Van Horne, NC
Jesus Christ and Air Conditioning...the best inventions since sliced bread.

See...the way they used "cool" as a double meaning...THAT'S how a church sign should be done, folks.
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submitted by Jill Van Horne, NC
To make it fair, He doesn't get to use his hands OR his feet.
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"Everyone Has The Patience. The Wise Use It."
submitted by frequent contributor Joy Cook, NC
The Patience? Is that sort of like The Force? Is there a "dark side"? Are "The Wise" like Jedis?
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"I Love My Church" -Pastor Bruce
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Joy Cook, NC
I think I would also love any church dedicated to me.

(Maybe Pastor Bruce should read this...)
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"Summer is God's way of saying He loves us!"
submitted by new contributor Sonny Huisman
And February is His way of saying "It's strictly platonic".
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Whew...this'll teach me to go on vacation for a couple of days. I'm only about half done catching up. I still have a slew of signs to go. More tomorrow!

Humor-blogs.com is Diesel's way of saying He loves us!

Keep 'em coming.

Detroit Snark City

It's Central Snark time again! This time I take on an entire city, specifically its highway system (and I use the word "system" extremely loosely).

Back with more crumminess tomorrow.

Keep 'em coming.

July 111? Wacky, Indeed.

submitted by Rachael B, OH
I guess any Wednesday that falls on the eleventy-first can indeed be classified as "wacky", no matter what happens on that day.

I'm not so sure about the twenty-fifth, though.
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submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
But Calvinism? Now THERE'S a spectator's sport.
-------------------------------------------------

submitted and asst. reviewed by new contributor Lincoln Rose, WA

So all of you without your 2.5 kids and your white picket fence, you had better conform!! There is no individuality in God's Kingdom!!
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"Praying for the words to pray."

submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Sarah M., VA

Uh oh.... Conundrum!

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I am currently visiting family in Canada, and saw this one yesterday:

"Oops I did it again"

What....stole somebody's spouse, had a couple kids, got divorced, packed on 35 lbs., bounced in and out of rehab, showed the entire world your hoo-hah, and then shaved your hair clean off?

Or is that just a sermon title?

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These last few my father saw as he drove from Tennessee up to Canada:

"A rumor is the only thing that gets thicker when you spread it."

submitted by frequent contributor Bruce Bezaire, TN

I like my rumors extra chunky.

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"Science without God is lame. God without science is blind."

submitted by frequent contributor Bruce Bezaire, TN

I guess God better quit listening to all those prayers and start reading his Chemistry books before He goes blind.

Seriously...God is blind? On your church sign?

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Dad also saw a church named "Bright Idea Missionary Baptist Church". I think that's my favorite name ever. We can just picture their logo: God with a pensive look on his face, finger to chin, with a light bulb over his head.

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Humor-blogs.com is not a spectator sport.

Keep 'em coming.

Honey!! Did you remember to pack the Messiah??

Jesus: Now in handy Travel Size!

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"Two sets of footprints: God walked with you. One set of footprints: God carried you."

No sets of footprints: God flew you around in His kick-ass hovercraft!!
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“Those not interested in church wouldn’t find heaven exciting either!”
submitted by frequent contributor Tracy R., SC
Yeah. Christians should just forget about trying to reach those people.

I'm guessing heaven is a teensy bit better than church. Just a guess.

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“Able to go to yard sales, you’re able to go to church”
submitted by frequent contributor Tracy R., SC
Yeah, but they ask for so much less money at yard sales.
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Able to go to yard sales, you're able to go to humor-blogs.com


Keep 'em coming.

Farther than they think.

submitted by new contributors Ryan and Nancy D., MI


Yes. How far we have indeed strayed from the fine Christian example of our founding fathers. Take, for example, Thomas Jefferson.


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submitted by new contributors Ryan and Nancy D., MI
This Sunday, we're going to be having a serious discussion about abstinence. Girls, wear your bikinis!!


Seriously, though...EVERY Sunday?

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submitted by new contributors Ryan and Nancy D., MI


There's got to be a catch. Nobody can just "give away" hotdogs.


I'm guessing this isn't an outreach event to the Jewish community.
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submitted by new contributors Ryan and Nancy D., MI


I wonder if missionaries in Africa ever give this sermon?


I suppose we should give them some credit for not going with the obvious "How to break being broke."


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submitted by new contributors Ryan and Nancy D., MI


Well done, thou good, faithful, and grinning servant....


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"Revival is here. Come get some."


submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
Ah, but does it come with free hot dogs?!?
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Thanks to Ryan and Nancy for the slew of crumminess on their first submission. Everyone needs to check out their blog, and see the awesome ministry that they will be undertaking in India. There's even a link to donate, if you're so inclined.

---------------------------
Humor-blogs.com is here. Come get some.

Keep 'em coming.

For God's Next Act: Squaring The Circle

submitted by frequent contributor Micah L., MN
I bet Moses sure wishes God had summed it up like this for him. Would have saved him an awful lot of writing in Genesis.


God is apparently now looking to drunken French mathematicians/philosophers for His inspiration. Nice.
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submitted by new contributor Amy Jones, AL
Note to self: When starting our church, make sure and spell the church's name correctly on our permanent sign.
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"In Dependance of God"
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y., TN
...and independent from dictionaries, too!
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Humor-blogs.com exists, therefore you are.



Keep 'em coming.

Snarkin' on Snobs

It's time once again for my guest post at Central Snark. Hope you enjoy it as I light up a rock-n'-roll snob that I recently encountered.

Back with more crumminess tomorrow.

Keep 'em coming.

That's what she said.

submitted by new contributor Stephen Kellam
And size. That's really important, too.



What? We're just talking about my upcoming fantasy football draft...aren't we?!?
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"Grace. So easy a caveman could do it."
submitted by new contributor Stephen Kellam
Yeah, God. Quit making such a big friggin' deal about your grace. This sign says it's easy.
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"Your tongue is a wet place. Don't let it slip."
submitted by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic. Seen on Flickr.
French Kissing: The Unforgivable Sin.
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Humor-blogs.com is a wet place.



Keep 'em coming.

Don't Call It A Comeback...

submitted by frequent contributor Micah L., MN
...but He probably won't.
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Micah L., MN
I'm guessing this week's sermon isn't going to be on Proverbs 15:29.
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"The church is a people."
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
The groan is a zombies.
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The humor-blogs.com is a people. A funny people.

Keep 'em coming.

Dueteronomy Can Kick Megatron's Butt.

submitted AND reviewed by James Gilmore
The Bible: More Than Meets The Eye.

Does this mean we can start calling false prophets "Decepticons" now? Gosh, I hope so.
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submitted by James Gilmore
I think they're using a different translation than the rest of us.
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submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Umm... He's probably a normal sized Jewish guy, actually.

Besides, isn't that a question and not an exclamation!
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I will simply accept my reward in heaven for keeping that last review as clean as possible. No thanks to Miss Kitty, for attempting to put other notions in my head during her email. :) (Just kiddin', MK).

How big is your humor-blogs.com!

Keep 'em coming.

Little Orphan Annie will be crushed.

Yesterday would be interested to know this.

Any ideas as to what this even means? I'm lost.
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"Love is an action verb, just do it."
submitted by new contributor Katie Jared, FL
Huh...I wonder how long until Nike starts making birth control?
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"If you pause to think,
you'll have cause to thank."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Well, let me put that to the test: I'm thinking that "think" and "thank" rhyme for the people at this church, and I'm thankful I'm not a member there. Wow! They're right!
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"Don't lessen the lesson"
...unless you're gellin'. Like Magellan.
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Humor-blogs.com is an action verb. Just do it.

Keep 'em coming.

I Can't Drive Sixty-Five

My full humor blogs dot com review has been posted.

I "earned" a respectable score of 65 (69 being the highest score given so far, I think), which I was somewhat surprised with, given the one-trick-pony nature of my blog.

Thanks to all the fine reviewers who took the time to peruse the site, and thanks for the suggestions. Thanks to Diesel for setting up the review process for all of us. Oh, and Diesel, about Dionne: You're right, I knew.

Tomorrow...back with more crumminess. But not TOO much, because I now want my post lengths to be shorter :)

Oh Say Can You Snark...

Back from my trip to St. Loo to see The Police in concert. Great stuff.

Happy 4th everyone! Be sure to check out my holiday-themed crummy letter over at Central Snark, if you haven't already. By the way, with my recent concert adventures you can expect another music-themed crummy letter shortly.

Have a great holiday!

Cell Phone Sign #54:

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Unfortunately, you have limited minutes.

The cell phone related signs....never....stop...coming.
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submitted by new contributor Brian D.
This sign (when using proper English) is a frequently contributed sign. It "don't" really improve much with the crappy grammar, does it?
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"Drowning the voices. VBS 2007."

submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.

This year's VBS is sponsored by Jack Daniels and the American Psychological Association.

---------------------------------------------------

"God wants Spiritual Fruit, not Religious Nuts"

submitted by Christopher W., NY

Amazing how the message of this sign would change if I could only add the letter "s" to one little word.....

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"Jesus there is something about that name."

submitted by frequent contributor Joy C., NC

Yes...it's almost as if I've heard it somewhere before...

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Okay, I'm out of town for a couple of days (seeing The Police is St. Louis...hooray!), so here are a couple of preemptive links:

I think tomorrow (Tuesday) I have another guest post forthcoming at Central Snark (maybe my best Crummy Letter yet....)

Crummy Church Signs was recently reviewed by the crack staff at humor-blogs. It looks like my score will be pretty decent, nothing earth shattering, but the review should be posted in the next couple of days.

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Drowning the voices: Humor-blogs.com 2007

Keep 'em coming.

Dionne Warwick just rolled over in her grave.

submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
They also have "Thirsty Thursdays", where draft beer is just $1.00

Also, take a close look at the picture. I swear the guy is throwing rock 'n roll devil horns in the air. "The Prophet's House where God Reigns and Wicked Guitar Solos are Wailed"
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"Upward soccer"? That sounds hard.
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"Heaven can't wait, Jesus needs you now!"
submitted by new contributor Sam Johannek
Look, just tell Him I will take any color tile in my mansion, and I wouldn't mind the maple cabinets. Thanks.
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"Honk if you love peace and quiet"
submitted by Tim C.
The church secretary, whose office window faces the road, just loves this sign.
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"Love life and life will love you"
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Jamie
Nice sentiment! Alternatively, there's this completely opposite sentiment that Jesus Himself espoused.
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"God doesn’t have problems. He has plans."
submitted by frequent contributor Beau S.
But....you're not in them. Sorry!
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"God will guide you through the rapids of change."
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC
Come to think of it, some of those white-water guides do look an awful lot like Jesus.

WOOOHOOO! Big drop ahead, dudes!!
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Humor-blogs.com doesn't have problems. It has plans.

Keep 'em coming.

Preferably a noose.

Be specific, though. He does a horrible Windsor knot.
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Thankfully tomorrow's "always a day away", so I shouldn't have to worry about it too much.
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submitted by frequent contributor Christine, VA
Take, for example, how the Israelites "progressed" into the Promised Land.

----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Christine, VA

...because nobody else bore it for you.

What a horrid sign. They couldn't have thought about that at all before putting it up.

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submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.
I've reviewed a version of this before ("7 days without (insert Christian thing here) makes one weak"), Adam and I just never realized before that it's GOD who actively goes about making one weak.

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"Attend church weekly, not weakly"

But I thought if I attended church then God wouldn't make me weak!

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"One today is worth two tomorrows"

submitted by frequent contributor Christine, VA

Are they wanting to trade me? Can I toss in a couple of yesterdays that I'm not too crazy about?

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"Be kind to your enemies. After all, you made them!"

submitted by new contributor Sharon, Wellington, NZ
The same is true for your hordes of evil minions. Be kind to them. After all, you made them.

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Humor-blogs.com and bear it.

Keep 'em coming.

Get CCS gear here.

Just a regular ol' Snarker.

I'm back at the Snark again today, this time with a letter to a Crummy Driver.

This marks my first post as an official regular contributor at the Snark. Look for more snarkiness from me on a more regular basis. Or something like that.

Back tomorrow with more crumminess!

Keep 'em coming.

Made Him Blink!

From the Bette Midler school of theology.
--------------------------------------------

At each other's throats the other 364 days of the year.

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"Looking for a life lifegaurd? Ours walks on the water."

submitted by new contributor Sam Sarkissian, CA
Well I guess that's not much help if I'm drowning underwater, is it?

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"God the builder: Can He fix it? Yes He can!"

submitted by Rowan McAlpine, Wellington, NZ

Next week's sign: "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Uhhh...."

(By the way the above church sign from New Zealand is referencing the theme song to the kids' show "Bob The Builder", for those of you unfamiliar with kids' shows. You're on your own to figure out the snarky comment.)

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Can humor-blogs.com fix it? No, it can't.

Shirts.

Submissions.

"Forget", "Remember"...same thing.

submitted by new contributor Lacy Hornbeck, NC

Yes. We certainly wouldn't want to remember that.

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"Join the CIA: Christians In Action."

submitted by Marnie P., MI

As opposed to the more traditional "Christian Inaction".

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"Never borrow sorrow from tomorrow!"
Shoot, I keep meaning to give that back. I think it's in my shed, right next to my neighbor's leaf blower.

Oh well, I guess that means tomorrow will be without sorrow.

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"Jesus invested his life in yours - have you shown any interest?"
Does appreciating daily count?
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And finally, this isn't a church sign in the traditional sense, but John Stuart sent this in from Montreat, and I found it amusing:

"And He walks with me, and He talks with me, and He tells me I am his own. And the smokes we share as we tarry there......"

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No smoking at humor-blogs.com either

Keep 'em coming.

Next Week: "My Three Sons"...wait, that's not going to work...

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Happy Father's Day, everyone. Props to Duane for the post title today.
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submitted by new contributor Kristin Howell, MO

I've heard they're in the market for some new folks to help out in the nursery...

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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Chuck S.
Another church hits new Lowe's.

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"It is a wise father who knows his own son."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen
I dare them to set the bar for "wisdom" any lower.

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"Just Jew It."

submitted by new contributor Sean Quiqley, WI

...with our new sneakers, "Air Jordan Rivers".

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That last one marks the first sign from a Synagogue. I have now received signs from a mosque, a snynagogue, A Buddhist temple, a surf shop, a tattoo shop, and a few hundred churches. Jamie also sent me one from a mechanic this week, but it was a message I had already reviewed ("An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind"...I believe my review back in the day was something along the lines of "At least then we wouldn't be subjected to these church signs." There, I just reviewed it again. Add an auto mechanic to the list.)

Humor-blogs.com knows best.

Keep 'em coming.

Not exactly Calvinists, are they?

submitted by frequent contributor Christine, VA
Shoot! I bet the farm on "Huey, Dewey, and Louie".
----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Christine, VA
I might be on a journey... or I might be like the author of this sign and just tripping.

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"A rut is a grave with both ends kicked out."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX

And happiness is a church sign with both sides kicked out.

Joel's note: Isn't the top missing from the grave as well? So basically, a rut is a quarter-grave? Just the floor part? Isn't that true of a lot of things?

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"If evolution really works, then why do mothers only have 2 arms?"

submitted by new contributor Thomas O'Neill

Better argument against evolution: The fact that somebody managed to think this sign was a good idea.

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"It is easier to get older than to get wiser"

submitted by new contributor Erica Crump, FL

Was this point really ever up for debate? Who was arguing the opposite case here?

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LOTS of new contributors over the past little while. Thanks for coming aboard, everyone! Remember to keep 'em coming!

It's easier to get humor-blogs.com than to get wiser.

I may be making a mole hill out of a mountain here...

submitted and asst. reviewed by new contributor Craig Schuler, PA
...but I think they got that backwards.

Props to Craig for the today's post title. Welcome aboard. Craig also notes that the sign has been like this for two weeks. Sigh.
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submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
Fundamentalists?
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submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
...Batman!
----------------------------------------------------

submitted by new contributor Jake Minton, AR
Actually, I'm pretty sure that was only a part of the Old Covenant.

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"Victories never come at bargain prices."

submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Beau Sorrell, MN

From the George Steinbrenner school of theology.

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"Today's tall oak is yesterday's nut that held its ground."

submitted by new contributor Stephanie Spruill, NC

So hold your ground, you nut.

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"Satan pays in counterfeit."

submitted by new contributor Lisa Langendorfer, OH

That sucks, because he just landed on Park Place and I have two hotels on it.

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"Three things important in life: Be Kind, Be Kind, Be Kind"

submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Greg Wilson

And the greatest of these is....?

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"Those who sow with thorns should not walk barefoot."

submitted by frequent contributor Joy C., NC

Those who sow with thorns are some seriously craptastic gardeners.

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"You cannot move a mountain by staring at it."

submitted by frequent contributor Joy C., NC

Everyone knows you have to ask it nicely.

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"Jesus is the everlasting technology that will never become obsolete."

submitted by frequent contributor Joy C., NC

...and Bill Gates just tried to patent Him.

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Humor-blogs.com is the everlasting technology that will never become obsolete.

Keep 'em coming.

Get Crummy Church Signs gear here.

Bringing Snarkyback

Once again they're bringing in a bench warmer to pinch-hit for the clean-up batter.

I'm back at The Snark today with another letter. This time, it's to that person at the grocery store. Yeah, you know the one.

Also, I have added a fourth shirt to my Zazzle store. This one is special for all of you who have been dubbed "frequent contributors". Or those of you who wish you were dubbed "frequent contributors". Or those of you who just like how "frequent contributors" looks on a shirt. Check out the store here.

Keep 'em coming (which appears on the aforementioned shirt as well).

Crummy Church Sign Shirts Now Available

You didn't ask for them! But here they are anyhow! Visit the new Crummy Church Sign Store at Zazzle to order Crummy Church Sign T-Shirts. Available in black, grey, navy, forest green, and dark red.

So far 3 designs are available, and I will add more later if these seem to amuse you all.

The first design features the slogan of this whole operation: "Critical Analyses of Critically Bad Church Signs"

The second one says "600+ Church Signs CAN be wrong."

...and the final one says "It's not that God doesn't have a sense of humor. It's that he has a GOOD one."

The bottom of this page has my store and features all of my shirts for sale. Or you can bookmark this link. If you don't feel a purchase is in order, one can hardly blame you. However, if you feel like ranking my shirts highly because you like them, that wouldn't hurt my feelings! Remember, they're customizable to more colors than just black.

These shirts also signify a transition...along with the blog's new layout and design. I will eventually be switching everything over to this blog, and www.crummychurchsigns.com will redirect here. The old blogspot.com address will work here as well, but the dedicated address will just point to the blog.

The reasons the archives are going away are: 1) I don't have time to update them and 2) The web design sucks, as was so helpfully pointed out by "anonymous" in the comments section here a while back. He may not have had the stones to own up to his constructive criticism...but that doesn't mean he was wrong.

I think this blog can handle everything the old archives did. Sure, the Hall of Fame and Trophy Room are going away, but isn't it more fun to look through the old posts anyhow? Isn't it? Anyone?!?

Any feedback on the shirts is appreciated. Feel free to use the comments section. Is there any interest in T-shirts that have a lame slogan along with my snarky response? I personally think those would be awkward, but whatever.

I beat humor-blogs.com to having T-Shirts.

Keep 'em coming.