submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rachel H., GA We put the "fun" in dysfunction! --------------------------------------------------
originally posted on Unnecessary Quotation Marks Photo by Cicely from GA Before they get too smug about that fact, they might want to look into what the Bible has tosayabouthumanancestry. ----------------------------------------------------
"Attend church online!" submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat Hebrews 10:25: "Do not forsake the virtual assembling of yourselves together, as the manner of some is..." ----------------------------------------------------
"Home of the Stanleys" submitted by frequent contributor BRWombat So this church is a bunch of tools?? ----------------------------------------------------
submitted/post title by frequent contributor Erik G. From now on, He's only accepting diamonds in the offering plate. ------------------------------------------------------
sign reads "Two words for 2008: Change and fulfillment" submitted by frequent contributor BRWombat This is a much better idea than their 2007 theme, "Uniformity and emptiness" -----------------------------------------------
"Anger is the wind that blows out the lamp of the mind." submitted by new contributor Amy So if we conquer our temper, is that the same thing as breaking wind? ----------------------------------------------
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix "Kindness", along with all those other pseudo-fruits of the Spirit: "Love", "Joy", "Peace", etc... -----------------------------------------------------
"On Super Sunday, a Super Savior" submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Steve Sensenig As opposed to every other Sunday, when He's just sort of mediocre. ---------------------------------------------------- "What say I unto you say I unto all" submitted by frequent contributor Steve Sensenig ...and what you are saying unto all makes no #$%&* sense at all. -----------------------------------------------------
"Flawed families of the Bible uncensored!" submitted by Laurel Robinson, ON A paternity test reveals that Joseph is NOT the father....next on Maury! ----------------------------------------------------
"Arguing with furniture is rarely productive." submitted by Laurel Robinson, ON But you're saying there's a chance....
(Apologies to Dumb and Dumber) ----------------------------------------------------
Go visit The Snark for a sad announcement from resident den mother Snuppy (aka Crazy Aunt Bea, One Hot Puppy, etc.). With a lot of stuff going on in her life right now, she needs to take a break from blogging for a while. While The Snark may continue on in some form or fashion, I don't think I'm going to be a big part of it...it just won't feel like the same place without Snup.
That said, look for a major announcement in the next few weeks about something that I and a few other funny internet folks (including Snuppy, to some extent, as far as she's able :) ) will be involved in. You'll want to stay tuned...
In the meantime, visit Central Snark and leave a nice message for a longtime friend of CCS...
submitted by new contributor Emily Monts de Oca, FL ...but if you just stay away altogether, then you don't have to remember these silly rules.
Seriously...What do they mean?!? ------------------------------------------------------
submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown So if it's broken I should stay away at those times, right?!? --------------------------------------------------
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown Overheard at Pastors house last night. Funeral services tomorrow at 3 pm. --------------------------------------------------
submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown Well, it's about time He committed to something... --------------------------------------------------
submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown In fact we're so great, we pretty much don't need God for anything. --------------------------------------------------
"Don't live life as though you are waiting for death" submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire
Vladimir and Estragon could use some company, though.
submitted by frequent contributor Lauren I'm fine with the above church sign. I just wanted to post another one from this church and see if anyone can explain/guess where this church name comes from.
And speaking of funny church names....
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Christine So named because once the service starts, you're looking for a way out? -------------------------------------------------------
"Those who plant greed will reap a "mine" field." submitted by frequent contributor Christine Those who plant sorrow will reap a "bawl" field.
Har.
There's probably more terrible puns to be made on that one. Feel free to add your own in the comments section. -------------------------------------------------------
Don't forget to go vote in the MP caption contest. Pick your favorite, which is probably the one about the fake Rolex... ------------------------------------------------------
submitted by new contributor Susannah Also: Don't buy it from the Daughters of Zion. ------------------------------------------------
"Subtract seven points if you yelled at somebody today." submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain Add 15 points if you know what the heck this sign is talking about. ------------------------------------------------
"I believe in the words in red." submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Jordan ...but that Apostle Paul was a liar! ------------------------------------------------
I'm a finalist in a caption contest again. Go vote!!
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Subtract seven points if you didn't visit humor-blogs.com today.
Anyone else think they're crying "Wolf" on all the thievery in order to make "clever" signs?
In other words: How the heck do you allow someone to just walk away with an an entire air conditioning unit and get away with it?!? I mean, was it just sitting there, not attached to the church building or anything significant? Isn't it a chore to disconnect these things from buildings, etc?
Or, better yet: It's January, and there's not exactly a huge underground black market for AC Units these days, now is there?
Somebody should post a note on their sign: "If you lied to me on your sign, you're gonna need the air conditioning more than the thief will"
And if they are telling the truth (both times), please consider an alarm system, or a watchdog, or moving your church to a different, less theft-prone location....something!
"Jesus: He is the door to the supernatural." submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara, OH There's something strange in the neighborhood....who ya gonna call??
submitted/post title by an Anonymous contributor Conform!!! CONFORM!!!! CONFORM!!!! CONFORM!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ryan DeVries, India Because evil and wrath are in front of them?
Joel's note: And don't call me "Shirley".
(Yes, we know it's a Bible passage. Once again, how many other people will know this?) ------------------------------------------------------
"Until further notice, celebrate everything." submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain Evidence of a lull in the liturgical calendar.
Joel's Note: With presents. Celebrate everything by giving me presents. ------------------------------------------------------
"Baptism is more then a splash" (sic) submitted by frequent contributor Allen's Brain Especially when you do a cannonball into the tank!
WHEW!! Quite a lively day in the comments section yesterday!! I sometimes wonder how many people actually read this blog. My stats tell me hundreds of people visit each day, but since my comments aren't nearly as heavily trafficked as on some blogs, I wonder how many of those hundreds actually read CCS and how many just surf on by.
The answer: At least two dozen or so of you actually read this. Thanks, guys!
For today's lively comment section conversation topic, check out this interview from The Daily Show with Jim Wallis, author and founder of Sojourners. I really enjoyed Mr. Wallis' last book and appreciate the stand he takes about Christianity's role in politics.
I get a little leery whenever a Christian takes on such a huge national presence. Christians, of all people, have the tendency to idol worship a little bit. People like Mr. Wallis can take on a larger-than-life presence in the hearts of Christians when they are invited to such "cool" places as The Daily Show. I really try to guard against that, so I am almost a bit of a skeptic when it comes to stuff like this. So, while I certainly don't agree with everything Mr. Wallis says and believes (because I specifically looked for instances where I disagree), I still very much appreciate his heart for social matters and will be interested to read his new book.
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Charles Strohacker All their songs are in a minor key. -------------------------------------------------------------
submitted by Jared Hendrickson Then why are so many churches either black or white? ------------------------------------------------------
submitted by Jared Hendrickson Finally a sermon that's applicable to my everyday life!
(Yeah, I know it's a biblical analogy, but how many people who drive past know this?) ------------------------------------------------------
submitted by new contributor Christian Smith This is such a better translation of Romans 6:23. Why include all that garbage about "gift of God" and "eternal life" when you can make threats instead?!?
Also appropriate for Bethany's blog. -------------------------------------------------------
"GRAND-SLAM WEDNESDAYS!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain Pancakes, eggs, hash browns and toast, here at First Church of St. Denny's!
This blog is "Crummy Church Signs" and not "Crummy Churches", but frequent contributor Bent Kangaroo sent in this link from the complete @$$holes over at Westboro Baptist Church. Apparently their reading of the Beatitudes is completely different than my own. Nowhere do I hear Jesus saying "Blessed are the jerkwads..." or "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after attention..."
For those of you whose only contact with Christianity is crap like that, I am very, truly sorry. Please take the time to find out about Jesus for yourself straight from the source and don't take the example of crummy, sinful Christians like that...
...and unfortunately, all too often like me. --------------------------------------------------------
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney Awww, man! They always save the best stuff 'til the end! ----------------------------------------------------
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney What if I attend church every Christmas? That is extremely regular. ----------------------------------------------------
originally posted here. submitted by Ron Brown. But if we die in sin, we can kiss our @$ goodbye. -------------------------------------------------------
"Dream Responsibly" submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rachel H., GA So should I get a designated dreamer? -------------------------------------------------------
Frequent contributor Ron Kinzel sent in this blog post about a church billboard. Certainly a different perspective from the one I take (especially in the comments section), but a very interesting read nonetheless. Y'know, for those of you who come here for more than just the snark...
The text to this sign was one of the very first signs I reviewed some 3 years back. It wasn't a particularly good review (I was still a rookie), and it didn't come with a picture so I had always wondered whether or not it was a real submission.
I normally don't re-post signs once I've reviewed them once, but with the recent media hype surrounding this one, not to mention the flurry of submissions sent to me, I thought I'd include it.
As for a new review, I'd say this if I had to do it over again:
"Not "going", but what about coming?"
On second thought, maybe I wouldn't say that at all... --------------------------------------------------
Lying in bed shouting "Oh God" does not constitute going to humor-blogs.com
Those of you who know me personally know what a music freak I am. I actually moved to Nashville for music, and intended it as a career for quite some time. Unfotunately when I moved to Nashville I realized everyone else here intended it as a career, too! I still play as much as I can, but sadly it's never enough...
However, the best musical news I've heard in years came to me today: Sixpence None The Richer is getting back together!! Leigh Nash (singer) posted a blog on her MySpace page today:
"We realized we were on the same page and decided to make Sixpence None the Richer records for the next 2,000 to 3,000 years!!!! Seriously- as long as we can: ) We are in the middle of making an EP right now that will be available soon! We also have a tour planned beginning in April."
If your only familiarity with Sixpence are the ubiquitous soft rock hits "Kiss Me" or "There She Goes", then you don't have the whole picture at all.
Check out the much heavier "Angeltread" (the video's really low budget, but musically soooo good), or "Paralyzed" (ignore the dorky Anime in the YouTube fan vid). Even "Breathe Your Name" is a better pop song (IMHO) than the more popular radio hits they had.
Here's my favorite song by them:
Anyhow, I am pretty excited. The best part? They live and are based in my hometown, so now begins my quest to land a spot in the backing band. Surely their old players in the backing band have gone on to other things, right?? RIGHT?!?!?!? (In fact, if you visited the link to Leigh's MySpace page earlier in the post, you may have seen the comment I left....)
Wonder how I'm gonna keep teaching math from the road....
Anyhow, back to your regularly scheduled crumminess next week. Have a great weekend.
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EDIT: For those of you wishing to spend 10 bucks on a great album, here's the 10 best songs Sixpence did according to me. Go buy them individually on Itunes, and then put them in the order I have them in an Itunes playlist for optimal listening results:
Too Far Gone Love Love, Salvation, the Fear of Death I've Been Waiting Angeltread Paralyzed I Can't Explain Tension is a Passing Note Melody of You Within a Room, Somewhere
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown Near to shopping and good schools? ---------------------------------------------
submitted/asst. reviewed by Duane Brown Jimmy, you're in charge of hellfire and brimstone this year. Can you handle that?!? ------------------------------------------
"God plus one is the majority." submitted by new contributor Ty Maier So God by Himself loses or ties?? What kind of crummy god are they worshiping? -------------------------------------------
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown I'll come back when everybody's on the same page...
Joel's Note: Guess which one is a quote from the Bible! Guess why the other sign decided to contradict a direct quote from the Bible! (I can only answer one of those two...). --------------------------------------------------
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown Paper or plastic? ----------------------------------------------
"Happy is the nation whose God is the Lord" submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic ...and when you find that nation, please let me know.
submitted by Katherine Trexler, NC And considering where they're going, they should be the most cheerful and happy people that die. --------------------------------------
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown Evil has a new name -- and it isn't afraid to use it!
Joel's Note: George be nimble, George B. Quick, Your sign person tempts me to throw a brick.
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown We voted on it, and it was really close. -------------------------------------------------
"Dr. Powers' sermon: Smelly People." submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch Today's sermon brought to you by Old Spice. -------------------------------------------------
I've got a bunch more of Duane's signs to get through, so be sure to visit back tomorrow!
submitted by new contributor Dave Anderson Also: It's Elohim or an ion beam. It's Adonai or the evil eye.
Feel free to add your own in the comments section... EDIT: Diesel says "It's the Lord of Lords or the waterboard" Rickey goes mythological on us and says "It's Zeus or Zip it!" Bruce says "El Shaddai or a poke in the eye." Duane says "It's Jesuit or lose it" Suhayla says "It's the Good Book or a right hook" Nic says " It's Jehovah or it's over. " --------------------------------------------------
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney But He'll be just barely on time in 2009...
...then He'll never show up again in 2010. -----------------------------------------------------
"When you step out, God steps in" submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire
This fall on ABC- "Dancing With the Divinities"!
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"Jesus- the only investment that never loses interest" submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire
Yeah, and the way the dollar is heading, I might start trading in relics.
submitted by new contributor John Jordan Why does God need to check it twice? In case He screwed up the first time? --------------------------------------------------
"State of the church. Pastor Grooms" submitted by Aaron Lee Well...it's certainly better than the alternative. -------------------------------------------------- "Get God, get grown up, and get going!" submitted by frequent contributor Lincoln J. Good grief. ---------------------------------------------------
And regarding the first line: You think they do the locusts & honey bit, too? -----------------------------------------------------------------
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown Today, let us read from John's First Birthday Party, Picture 2..... ----------------------------------------------------
submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown I'll just bet it's the touring cast and not the original Broadway production.
Oh, and next week they're doing "Spamalot". -----------------------------------------------------
submitted/post title by frequent contributor Duane Brown Make sure you cover your mouth when you witness. -------------------------------------------------
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown If He's unavailable, try Jenny at 867-5309 -------------------------------------------------
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown Four stars, huh?
Out of what? Four? Ten?
I must know: How good is this Christmas?!? -------------------------------------------------
submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown The Greatest Story Ever Told (The Frank Capra Edition) -------------------------------------------------
"No danger of eye damage from looking on the bright side." submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y. Slight danger of brain damage from looking at this sign. -------------------------------------------------
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rachel H., GA
originally posted on Unnecessary Quotation Marks
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