Gensis, Exdus, Levitcus, Numbrs....

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Gensis 1:2 -- God creatd teh spel chekr
-----------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

...and shattering our ankles in the process.
------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Good thing He specified...I was about to fill it with Peanut M&M's.
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submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Yep. I need to change the battery, and it's set on the wrong time, though.

---------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Hands-on Demonstrations Available Inside!

------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Wes Kenney, OK

Just ask Jesus!

--------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Wes Kenney, OK

So just be lazy instead. Saves you the worry.

Are the churches in this town color coded or something?

----------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix, AL

Seriously! We just made this new message up on the spot!

Rev. Hendrix points out that this sign went up recently, and it replaced a CHRISTMAS sign. Apparently, the community was getting fed up with the extremely dated message. So they replaced it with a crappy one. Good call.
--------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by Monstertruckman

I was waiting for him at the church down the block. Boy, are they going to be jealous.

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submitted by Monstertruckman

YES! Individual, unmatched, used socks! Party time!

----------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.

Umm...couldn't a lot of snails live underwater? Or ride around on some flotsam? Like, there weren't any fish on the ark, right? Why snails?

"Yes! A liberal church!"

submitted by Lauren J., NC

Take a look at the church sign in this post about people doubting what you say....I think that church and the one that put this sign up would get along just swimmingly, don't you?!?

----------------------------------------

Posts may be infrequent this week. Three reasons:

1. I'm on spring break

2. Our house goes up for sale tomorrow

3. I am having serious respiratory issues...asthma? COPD? Allergies? Pneumonia? Who knows!?! Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion!

By sheer blind luck, humor-blogs.com reached the ark.

Keep 'em coming.

This church has a school on its campus....

submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC
Seriously...where are this school's English teachers? I suppose they all think "The King's English" refers to Richard Petty or Elvis?
-----------------------------------------------



"Make no bones about it- Jesus rose from the dead"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
Must we justify anything James Cameron says? They do know Leo wasn't really on the Titanic, right? And Arnold isn't really the Terminator?



"Please don't make the preacher lie at your funeral"
submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire
Oh, don't worry....I'm perfectly fine with the preacher standing up.



If you are true to humor-blogs.com you won't be false to no one.

Keep 'em coming.

"Knowing Jesus. So easy a caveman could do it."

submitted by frequent contributor Allen.
Tell me, just how easy was it for those cavemen who were around BEFORE Jesus?

"Every heartbeat brings you closer to God."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen.
I'm just glad that I can get closer to God without doing anything but maintaining my pulse.

"Worry pays, but it keeps you in debt."
submitted AND reviewed by Rev. Randall H., FL
...but the balance transfer fee is killer.

"Only pray on days that end in "y""
submitted by Rev. Randall H., FL
So "tomorrow" is pretty much out.

"GODS
HOLYSPIRITIS
HEREAMEN"
submitted by Rev. Joe H., WV
AndHeiscausingustorushthrougheverythingbreathlesslyamen.....

---------------------------------------------
Sometimes, some funny things happen at CCS. The first funny thing to happen was that no less than 10 people sent me the old standard "Stop, Drop, and Roll Doesn't Work in Hell." just this week. I've already reviewed it (somewhere), but thanks to all who submitted it. I just wonder what the heck happened around the country to compel all these churches to start using that particular sign.

The second funny thing is that the hit counter in the right hand sidebar is about to hit 50,000. And I only put it on a year or so ago. I don't know what you people like so much about this site, but thanks for visiting and I hope you keep on enjoying it. Thanks for being part of the fun.

Keep 'em coming.

Humor-blogs.com pays, but it keeps you in debt.

Let the cats starve, though.

submitted by Tracy R., SC
And my guess is you could still feed the preacher, while you're at it...

I like the church name as much as the crummy slogan. "Donalds Church of God". Does Donald offer other churches that I should know about?
---------------------------------------------
"Any fool can criticize and most fools do"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
Yeah, Jesus. Enough overturning of tables and daring to cast stones. Just live and let live, man. Be cool.

"Tough times don't last, tough people do."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
Brando was tough once. Now? Not so much.

Joel's note: Isn't this sign saying the EXACT POLAR OPPOSITE thing as "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." ?!? Jesus says be meek and you will inherit the earth. This church says be tough, and you will outlast the meek. I guess this is what Jesus meant to say.

"What you do with Jesus will determine what He'll do with you"
submitted and asst. reviewed by Emily Bezaire, TN
Cue the parental reprimand: What am I going to do with you?!?! I wonder if Jesus uses your middle name when He's fed up with you, like your parents did.

"Gaining an open heaven"
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
...because I am tired of losing the close ones.

"Become another dopeless hope fiend!"
Sadly, the dopeless part becomes impossible as soon as this sign is involved.

Besides, I entered a rehab clinic for my hope addiction a while ago.... (You may finish this joke with just about anything and it will be funny.)

"A large heart can be filled with very little."
They are not unlike many Christians' heads in this way.

-----------------------------------
Check out frequent contributor and humor-blogs.com guru Diesel tonight at 7 PM Pacific Time on the internet radio show Pop-Load! Bonus points if anyone calls in with any Crummy Church Sign comments or questions.

Keep 'em coming.

In case of rapture, feed humor-blogs.com

Vote for Crummy Church Signs!

A post from Crummy Church Signs has been nominated for "Funniest Post in February", and you can vote for this post (or, alternatively, you can read the other nominees and make an informed decision) by clicking here.

Some pretty funny stuff there. Vote early, vote often.

Visiting The Snark again...

Having not yet driven enough readers away from their blog, the fine folks at Central Snark have invited me back for yet another guest post.
Head over there and find out about the new math textbook I have begun writing. Relax...this math textbook is FUN!

So to speak...

submitted by Jim G. and Bethany K.

I guess the location of the quotation marks could be worse...it could say God "loves" you. Or maybe God loves "you".

---------------------------------------------------

"Unless you repent, you will"

submitted AND reviewed by Adam W.

If I'm gonna repent later anyway, might as well live it up today!

"He gave His life to save us. What will we give up to save ourselves?"

submitted by new contributor Rev. Jim C., New Orleans

This church is attempting to give up grace to save themselves.

You know, somebody should tell Jesus that his death on the cross was unecessary, since apparently we can just give up fried foods or chocolate or soda for a few weeks to save ourselves. My guess is that He's gonna be pissed.

Happy Lent, everybody. Observe it, by all means. But it doesn't save you. If it did, what do we need Jesus for?

"Love yourself as much as God loves you."

submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC

Crap. I just died for myself.

Okay, I'm back.

"Partial Repentance is No Repentance."

submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC

What?!? I said I was sorta sorry. I really thought that was good enough!

"A brook would lose its song if God removed the rocks."

Not really. Aerosmith removed the rock a long time ago, and they still play songs all the time.

The internet would lose its song if God removed humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Don't let that stop you from trying, though...

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
"...and we want to be just like God. Come on in and lose an argument!"
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B. ,VA
Guaranteed or double your money back!
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
So THAT'S where they put the water pump.
------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Yep...He's tagging along back there.

--------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
...or an enema?
------------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Nope, my biggest concern is that my aim might not be good enough to HIT that person....

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submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
$1.75 plus tax.
--------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Don't understand them. Just see them, stare at 'em a while, then move on.
----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Well, if Rev. Catlett loves "IF" so much, why doesn't he marry it?!?
---------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.
Dang, if I could just live a little longer, then I could slack off more. Here's pullin for medical science!
---------------------------------------------------

“If you must swear, please don’t use my name. ~God”

submitted by Beau S.

Say words like "f**k" and "s**t" instead.

(Beau's heading to his email said "I swear to God I saw this sign...." Heh heh heh.

"Our God is an all-consuming fire."

submitted by Sandi Y., TN

So, WELCOME to our church!!

(Note: I know it's a Bible verse. Some context would be nice. Are non-Christians going to visit here?)

"Jesus wants full custody, not just weekends"

submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX (Sign seen in AL)

Weekends? Y'mean I'm supposed to already be giving Him my Saturdays too?!?!

----------------------------------------------------

As soon as I find where I saved my website files, I will add Duane to the frequent contributors page. He has more than earned it at this point. However, I am an idiot and have misplaced the most recently saved files. Sigh.

Keep 'em coming

Humor-blogs.com is an all-consuming fire.

Blurry Crumminess

submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.
The same goes for a good intravenous needle.
----------------------------------------------------------

"Faith in Faith is Faith astray"
submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC
So its probably better to just give up on faith altogether.

"My life helps paint my neighbor's picture of God."
submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC
...and my poor neighbor is trying to interpret a freaking Picasso.


If you missed yesterday's guest post over at Central Snark, be sure to check it out. It's a MadLib created by yours truly. On a scale from 1 to 10, I give myself a "mildly diversional."

Keep 'em coming.

Faith in humor-blogs.com is Faith well-placed.

Guest Posting at Central Snark!

Hello, faithful readers of Crummy Church Signs....

Thanks to my good friend Diesel from Mattress Police, I was able to guest-post over at Central Snark. Long time CCS readers will be shocked to hear that I qualify to write for a website with the name "Snark" in the title. This is where the world finds out if I can write anything remotely amusing that's over a sentence or two long. Sadly. the answer is "probably not".

Anyhow, head over to the Snark and read my post: It's a MadLib! Remember those? Yeah, that's right: I'm gonna make you work for your chuckles.

Have fun. Thanks to my new friends at Central Snark for letting me be part of the fun. Thanks to Diesel for setting me up.

Always good advice....

submitted by frequent contributor SpookyRach, TX
For example, "I will never leave you or forsake you". Nobody should say stuff like that.
-----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix, AL
...that He give His only begotten Son, that whosoever believe in Him shall not perish but has everlasting life.

Huh. Still sorta makes sense. Verb tenses are overrated. Who knew?!?!

See Miss Kitty, this is why I teach math and not English.
------------------------------------------------------
"Breaking a Control Freak"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
Next week, "Crushing the Attention Seeker".
Brought to you by the Ministry of Condemnation.

"Does the road you're on lead to me? -God"
submitted AND reviewed by Jennifer B.
I thought the road I was on led to Walmart..... stinking MapQuest.

Joel's Note: Hey, I'm just impressed they got the "you're" correct. (Instead of "your").

Keep 'em coming.

Next week: The Faithfulness of the Stew.

submitted by new contributor Rachel Harrison, GA
Take. Eat. This is my lasagna. Do this as often as you eat it....
-------------------------------------------------


submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor SpookyRach, TX
If it is, I suppose that makes me a lazy lard as.
-------------------------------------------------------------

"St. Valentine Found! True Love: Jesus!"
submitted by Paul R., Australia
Little pink crosses for you and me.

"If you're wrapped up in yourself, it's always a small package."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
The same is true if you just stepped out of a cold swimming pool.

"Real love never hurts"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Just ignore all that about greater love and laying down your life.

"Don't get stuck."
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Step 1: Liberally apply grease to body before entering church...

Just how small IS this church's baptismal tank?

"*Winter break*
Child care availb.
God luvs us!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Wow! Our church nursery only has generic diapers availb.

"Faults are thick where love is thin"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Bad signs are thick where thought is thin.

"Many things give you wisdom. Love makes you wise."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
I must be full of love; everybody calls me a wiseguy.

"For tomorrow is not promised"
(other side) "Get right or get left"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Maybe I drove past from the wrong direction.

--------------------------------------------------------
Thanks to Les and the Rachels, (and David and Paul) for a strong batch: A strong batch of signs, and a strong batch of reviews, also! I'm having a hard time keeping up with all the snarkiness. Hopefully my couple reviews lived up to the high standard.

Keep 'em coming.

Humor-blogs.com gives you wisdom AND makes you wise. Take that, love.

"Kindness is the oil that reduces the friction in life."

Kindness, huh? So that's what the "K" stands for....

"If your religion will not bring you to church, it will not take you to heaven."
...and if your religion will not take you to heaven, then it's a religion.

"Faith is caught, not taught."
So be sure to use protection.

"The Joy Virus"
submitted by Jennifer B.
So be sure to use protection, AND wash your hands regularly.

What is with equating Christianity's traits to illnesses? Is this supposed to be appealing to people?

"Feb. 18, 10:30 AM
TRANSFIGURATION"
submitted by Paul R., Melbourne, Australia
So if you're going to be late, it's best not to show up at all. You won't recognize the place at 10:31.

Keep 'em coming.

Humor-blogs.com is the leading cause of The Joy Virus among internet websites.

I suppose it's like a metric pilgrim...

submitted by new contributors Sally and Aaron Gates, AK
"Pilgrams" also gave smallpox to Native Americans. Next.

--------------------------------------------------------

submitted by Sally and Aaron Gates, AK
Well...only if He brings the cranberry sauce.
-----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H.
You should see what they say about March.

I realize that backwards "3" is supposed to be an ampersand...but it's really easy to ignore (or miss), and gives this sign a WHOOOOOLE new meaning. Really....how much can an ampersand cost?
----------------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by Suzi H.
A soul NEAR me?!? What about MINE?!?
-----------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by Suzi H.
You don't even want to know what it takes to know women.

----------------------------------------------------

Sorry for the Thanksgiving themed signs...Sally and Aaron were saving the pictures up for when they started their own blog of crummy church signs. Then they found my blog and gave up and just sent them to me. I love it when I crush hopes and dreams. Really, it's why I became a teacher. Seriously...thanks Sally and Aaron!! (and Suzi, who came strong again this time).

Keep 'em coming.

Humor-blogs.com is hitting on your significant other right now.

"God is loving you every moment."

submitted AND reviewed by Emily Bezaire, TN
With Open Arms, no less. Look: I like the sentiment, but this is about one overwrought step away from a Steve Perry lyric. Without the great hair to go with it.

"Salvation guaranteed or your sins back."
submitted by Aubrey McKelvey, TN
Even lust?!? YESSSSSSS!

"Prevent truth decay. Read your Bible daily."
submitted by Sandi, TN
Hi, folks. We're Christians. Not only do we make ridiculously cheesy puns ("Prevent truth decay, brush up on your Bible"), we're so crazy that we forget what those puns actually are and botch them on our own signs. Welcome to our church.

"Enjoy your walk through the garden of life."
...and don't forget to stop and smell the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Keep 'em coming.

By the way...if all blogs were comic book characters, humor-blogs.com would be Galactus.

Just in time for Valentine's Day!

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
A special message will be given by Dr. I. Jones, expert on all things ark-related.

(Not technically a church sign, but a nifty example of crummy church marketing). Thanks to Rev. Hendrix for the title of this post, also. Be sure to bring a loved one.
----------------------------------------
"People who fight fire with fire end up with ashes."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
Don't tempt me.

"Church is for people. R U People?"
submitted by Marnie P., MI
Apparently, from this sign, church is also for morons. Sigh.

"How do we stand God?"
submitted by E. MacKay, Ontario
A little comma goes a long ways, folks.

"We have a prophfet sharing plan."
seen here by Ironic Catholic
I guess they share "prophfets" like Jeremmiah and Izaiah.

"Slow down and let God love you like never before."
seen here by Ironic Catholic
Just speed up and get past this church as quickly as possible.

"God's penetration into the untouched areas of our lives."
seen here by Ironic Catholic
Pass!

Keep 'em coming.

I am now a Corporal in the humor-blogs.com army.

Peter?

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.
What should I do if I am in quicksand?
----------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.
Now if I could just find where I left the lock of the day and the key of the night, I would be all set.
----------------------------------------------------
"God is already at the end of your rope."
submitted by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
So just when you think your life is hopeless...you find out God hung Himself with YOUR rope?

"LIFE MATTERS
WEDNESDAY"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
But you can take it or leave it the rest of the week.

"Death: The end of excuses and the beginning of eternity."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
I think if Death plans to have ANY sort of long term success, He is going to need to pick a better marketing strategy than that.

"If you don't know whose signs these are, look again."
submitted by Jennifer B.
Of course, Death still has a better marketing strategy than this church does.

"Awesome Powers. The God who Snagged me."
submitted by Charles Churchill
Yeah, baby.

Says Charles about where he heard about the above sign: This was told by Tom Shillue, a comedian in New York. (It's on his podcast, one of the ones about his dad coming to visit). He said he saw it while he was jogging, he's Catholic and it was a Baptist church that was always trying to be edgy...

Listed on the new world-wide-web superpower humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

"Poor is the church that values programs over people."

submitted AND reviewed by Suzi H., NC

Only because programs can't tithe.



Joel's Note: Odd is the church sign that places its adjectives before its verbs. Today's church sign taken from Yoda 3:16.

"Join us Sunday for church. Bible in hand, prayer on heart."
...and if you don't have a Bible: Too bad, you can't come in.

"Don't rest untill you rest in Christ."
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
No rest for the...holy?

(sic) on the spelling, by the way.





"God holds your future in His hands"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.
If He holds the future in His hands, and He holds the world in His hands, does that mean that my future is the whole world?





"God's life is better than yours."
submitted AND reviewed by Jennifer B.
So...there!



Joel's note: I think it might have something to do with Him being immortal, omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and all that jazz. Tends to push someone over the top in terms of the Quality of Life index.

-----------------------------

submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix, AL

...when we can just do it ourselves!!

Why not just post, "How can you expect us to be in touch with the needs of our community and the realities of this world when we aren't even in touch with what month we're in?" It's February 5: Change your &^%&^% sign.

Welcome back, Rev. Hendrix.

---------------------------------------

Frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney sent in this link of some funny church signs. Some are obviously staged, which is why I won't review any of them. That doesn't take away the fact that some of them are hilarious.

Keep 'em coming.

posted on humor-blogs.com

"We're supposed to have character, not be one"

So conform, already!

(...and here I was, all ready with my Yosemite Sam costume as I headed off to church this morning. Guess I better go change really quick....)

"The person who sings his own praises is probably a soloist."
The person who literally sings his own praises needs his @$$ kicked. The person who speaks his own praises is probably a human being.

"Worry ends where faith begins."
submitted AND reviewed by Emily Bezaire, TN
Well, I suck at this Christianity thing, then. Thanks, sign.

Keep 'em coming.

"Others see your mistakes. God sees your intentions."

submitted by Morgan Foster
"Well done, thou good and faithful servant. At least you meant well."

"Trust God, but lock your doors."
submitted by Brad Elders
Oh, and just to be safe, God wants you to go ahead and buy a gun.

"Love is giving somone your time"
submitted and asst. reviewed by Megan W.
Wow...those inmates must really love our government, huh?


Oh...."freely" giving....gotcha.


Keep 'em coming.

Listed on humor-blogs.com