You could catch a Spiritually Transmitted Disease

submitted by new contributor Kasey Swanke, WI
So if I visit Utah, should I wrap myself in latex?
------------------------------------------------------------------

submitted by new contributor Rev. Stan R.
...and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the desire to take a machete, lighter fluid, and a torch to this sign. For thine is the kingdom....


NOTE: Crummy Church Signs does not in any way endorse the machete-ing or burning of any church signs, no matter how crummy they may appear. Please note that it took the place of "evil" in the original Lord's Prayer. All rights reserved, offer void in Quebec.
---------------------------------------------------------------

submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
A good laugh is like a hole in my roof?
----------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN

That new one she got is full of lies, though.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

The time I took to read this sign?

---------------------------------------------------

"If the shoe fits, get another just like it"

submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
Or buy one for your other foot instead.
-----------------------------------------------------

“Touch base with God before you strike out.”

submitted by Christine, VA

Geez...exactly what base do they want me to get to with God?

And, as a baseball purist, I must note that they completely mixed their metaphors. Touching bases has nothing to do with striking out. It would have been accurate to say "Make sure you hit God's balls before you strike out." And it would have made about as much sense theologically.

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"Don't watch us grow- come grow with us"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN

Ch-ch-ch-Chia Church!

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"The lion of the tribe of Judah: Where's your roar?"

two sides of the same sign, submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
Sorry, I only brought my snarl with me today.

----------------------------------------------------------

I would like to congratulate myself and my amazing contributors (many of whom were new) for what I feel might be the funniest single post in the history of CCS. Ridiculous signs, and some especially snarky and funny reviews from everybody. Well done, if I do say so myself. And.... I do.

Which leads me to this point...when I started this blog, I figured it would go for a while, and eventually all I would receive are signs I had already posted, then I would stop posting and everybody would lose interest. I was wrong. I am approaching 600 signs, now. SIX....HUNDRED....DIFFERENT...SIGNS. And this new batch has two of the worst I have ever received (the first two). I am now realizing that this stupid blog might never end.

Am I part of the problem? I had originally hoped to be part of the solution, by pointing out the absurdity that we Christians say and do (I say "we" meaning "me and my fellow Christians"). But it seems that all that has happened from this blog's inception is that churches are making more of an effort to look silly. Is there a secret underground sect of church leaders that endeavors to see themselves on this blog? Is my plan backfiring? What have I done?!?!

I want other hobbies. I want to write about other things. I want crummy church signs to go away. But it's now becoming obvious that in a few years time, I will be "celebrating" my 2000th Crummy Church Sign, or some equally ridiculous anniversary.

Sigh........

----------------------------------

I don't usually participate when I am "tagged" with "memes" (I didn't know what that meant either), but I had some time on my hands, so if you are interested to read about me, Joel, the person behind CCS, you can read the comments section of my previous post.

Thanks to Nic for "tagging" me. Part of the rules say I have to tag 7 more people. I feel like being a rulebreaker tonight.

----------------------------------

Humor-blogs.com is like sunshine in the house.

Keep 'em coming.

Around the Web

Frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney posted a nice little blog entry about yesterday's batch of Crummy Church Signs. Check it out if you get a chance.

Also, today is nearly your last chance to vote in Diesel's caption contest. Yours truly is a finalist, though methinks he didn't even pick my funniest entry to be in the finals.

Have a great weekend!

But not at the same time, please.

submitted/post title by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
As opposed to hug one's job tightly and do one's friends.
---------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
Nice to see this Reformed church has relaxed their denomination's theology a little bit. And by "relaxed", I of course mean "completely disregarded".

(Check out Article 13 of the Belgic Confession from the denomination's own website if you would like to see how badly they botched this sign.)
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
Looks like God ran out of letters after the "&".
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Don't we say "God rest his/her soul" after someone dies? So is this sign asking me if I'm dead?

Uh....."No, but thanks for asking."
------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Ought we be naming youth events after catastrophic displays of God's judgement?

Next month: Catch fire at Sodom and Gomorrah!
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"The greatest remedy for anger is delay."

submitted by frequent contributor Kevin Sample, TX (soon to be TN)
In a clear upset, "Praying about your anger" finished out of the medals.

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"God is like bleach. He gets out stains others can't"

submitted by new contributor Patrick Lesley

Also, He should not be given to children. Or taken internally. Or used in large quantities.

I could go on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The only thing to do is hug one's friends tightly and do humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Where's my cigar?

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Randall H., FL
This is a great sign...for me to poop on.
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"What would Jesus say to Hillary Clinton?"
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
JESUS: (sighing) Why not? It's not like you could do much worse.
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"Life is a puzzle. Look here for the missing peace."
This sign is a puzzle. Better just to give up on it.
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Humor-blogs.com is just "dot com" added to humor-blogs

Keep 'em coming.

Somebody was reading their comic books before this sign went up....

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Why not just put:
"In brightest day, in blackest night
No evil shall escape My sight
Let those who worship evil's might
Beware My power, The Savior's light!"

If you get that reference, don't get too excited. It just means you're as big a geek as I am.

If you don't get it, here's your info.

Also, maybe the days and nights wouldn't be so dismal if God would get His tears out of there...
-------------------------------------------------------------
submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
On first glance, I thought it said "Are you wasted." Maybe I was.

Besides...do people smell so bad that they can smell them from their cars as they drive past?
------------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Jesus decided that instead of making all things new again, He's going to save some time and energy and just reuse all the broken parts.

New Jerusalem? Nah, we'll just spruce the old one up a bit. You'd be amazed at what a new coat of paint will do.

-------------------------------------------------submitted by Harry L.

Then, come to our morning service...it's even scarier!

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submitted by Harry L.
This church hired someone to stand at the side of the road and flip people off, but it turns out this sign was much more effective in keeping people away.

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"Worry looks around. Faith looks up."
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Chandler Carriker.
Not all that comforting if the sky is falling.

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"When you're down to nothing, God's up to something."

submitted by Ferd Ferfel, CA

So THAT'S how I got down to nothing. Thanks a lot, God.

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"If you think being meek is weak, try being meek for a week."

submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.

I think they had Green Eggs and Ham for communion this Sunday.

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"May 4th National Day of Prayer: Got nothin' to pray about? Thank God!"

submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.

Dear God, Thank you for making me shallow enough to not realize that I should be talking to the Creator of the Universe just because I can. Amen.

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"May 6th: Old Fashion Day"

submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.

As opposed to..... ?
-------------------------------------------------------------

When you're down to nothing, humor-blogs.com is up to something.

Keep 'em coming.

"Singing is like praying twice"

Except in Canada, where singing is like praying 1.6 times.

What the hell is that sign supposed to mean?


"SUMMER & FALL. SIGN UP NOW!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
I don't think I'm going to sign up for summer this year. It's just too hot.

Joel's Note: "Autumn changed into Winter ... Winter changed into Spring ... Spring changed back into Autumn and Autumn gave Winter and Spring a miss and went straight on into Summer ... Until one day ..."

"One destination, many paths."
I didn't realize we had changed our destination to "hell".

-------------------------------------------

Humor-blogs.com is like praying twice.

Keep 'em coming.

And then He rode it all over town.

submitted by new contributor Myk Robinson, TN
Who knew He was a hip-hop star?
---------------------------------

submitted by new contributor Jamie Dunbar, LA
You think it's hot now, wait until Jesus starts bringing in the asses.
--------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Chuck S.
...thus prompting the congregation to give away everything they have and give it to the poor.

No? Really??
-----------------------------------------------------


submitted by frequent contributor Chuck S.
Especially since Chuck drove past on a Thursday.
----------------------------------------------------

"Don't worry about tomorrow, Jesus is already there."
submitted and reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.
I was wondering where He has been today.
----------------------------------------------


And now, to conclude this post, frequent contributor (and my sister) Emily Bezaire will review these signs using only two words each.

"When Satan is knocking at your door, just say, 'Jesus, could you get that for me?'"
Jeeves wept.

"The task ahead pales in comparison to the power behind us."
A Hemi?

"We are called to be a witness, not the judge and jury."
I object.

-------------------------------------------------
The task ahead pales in comparison to the power behind humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

"Save some Hot Cross Buns for me.....I'll be back on Monday!!"

submitted by new contributor Jonny Cowbridge, Wales, UK
Obviously seen on Easter weekend...
Interesting time of year for a pastor (church?) to take a vacation....

"Gospel meeting April 22-24"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
So, what kind of meetings do you have the rest of the year?

"A spiritual gift is worthless unless it is opened"
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Oh, but please save the bow. We like to reuse them.

"Where will you spend eternity; smoking or non-smoking? Everyone welcome!"
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
A new take on an oldie (but a crummy). Why are they so eager to welcome people to a smoking eternity?

"Sunday: How to have good self esteem"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Because I'm good enough; I'm smart enough; and doggone it, people like me.

"Enjoy God's green earth. Reduce, reuse, recycle, rejoice!"
YES!! I successfully separated my green and clear plastics! WOOOHOOOO!!!!

Humor-blogs.com is worthless unless it's opened.

Keep 'em coming.

Redey or not....

submitted by new contributor Lisa McSpadden
Well ever since I hit the tanning bed, I have more of an "orangey" tint, but thanks for asking.
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Doing a double-take to re-read what this stupid sign said doesn't count.
---------------------------------------------------------
submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
It's also true that "What a moth calls the end, God calls a light", but I guess that's not quite as inspirational.
-------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

And if you're low on physical gas, we're serving beans at our next potluck dinner!
---------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Don't let the fact that you're driving a snow plow discourage you.
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Duane also sent in the other side of this sign, which said,

"Look around and be distressed. Look inside and..."

I just wanted to give you a version of what people only driving in one direction would see. Why do church signs assume people travel both directions on a road? Or are we supposed to learn how to read in our rear-view mirrors?
--------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviwed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Hopefully love is clean and disease free.
---------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

40 days only. After that, we're back to aimlessly going through life.
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Today's sermon by Paul Harvey.
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submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
I'd be much more comfortable with His return if He didn't insist on wearing those blue tights.
-------------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
...and this time, He'll be running for governor of California.
--------------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Funny enough, I'm 90% sure that this is NOT my first submission from a Tattoo Parlor. Anybody else remember that? Anyone want to search the archives for it? Yeah, me neither.

I guess tattoo artists were never known for their grammar skills. ("You're").
----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

So we're not supposed to be searching for the Lord, but for the Angel of the Lord ("Lo, the Angel of the Lord....")
---------------------------------------

"Blessed is he who is not offended by Jesus."

submitted AND reviewed by Don A., CA

That's all He asks?

------------------------------------------------

"Don't judge a church by its pillars."

submitted by new contributor Indie Davis, TN
I tried not to, but I just can't help it when they're painted like barbershop poles.
-----------------------------------------------

"Bow before God and His rainbow will surround you"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
The benediction every Sunday at the Church of the Pipe Dream goes:
'Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with string
These are a few of my favourite things...'

--------------------------------------------------

Duane...step away from the camera. You're risking your job and family with all of these crummy church sign submissions. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

(Seriously..thanks. If you think these are a lot of submissions, you should have seen how many were in the email that I DIDN"T use!)

Blessed is he who is not offended by humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Still no takers.

submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Jennie S., IN
Jennie originally submitted this sign in January. It is still up in April.

How awful is this friend if they still haven't given him away after all this time?
-------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie S.
I think it starts with paying your dues, time after time...
--------------------------------------------------------


submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.
Our Bible Drill team kicks serious ass!
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Spring is God's greeting card"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.
Does that make winter his pink slip?

"The birds are back, the grass is green, God did it again."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.
Whew, it's a good thing too, I was worried about Satan's red grass showing up...and don't get me started on those bats...

"When God is glorified, Satan is horrified."
submitted by Elizabeth B., GA
As Diesel has pointed out in a previous comments section...if my sole purpose for glorifying God is pissing off Satan, I think my priorities need examining. Except he said it funnier.

"I don't know why some
People change churches:
What difference does it make
Which one you stay home from?"
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Imagine if you were becoming a church member on the Sunday that this sign was up....

"Building an alter"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Ego?

"Your spiritual DNA-
Divine
Nature
Associated with God."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Did
Not
Anticipate such crumminess.

"Jesus – No Roaming Charges. He can hear you now."
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Randall H., FL
I eagerly anticipate every new cell phone marketing scheme. They always end up on church signs.

In fact, next time I see a new marketing tactic or a new slogan for a cell phone company, I will post it and start a pool on when I will have the first church sign with that slogan on it submitted to the blog.

"Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape."
Yeah...I can't believe Jesus missed that one!

"Friends are kisses blown to us by angels."
And Friends With Benefits are when the angels just bl.....

Never mind.
------------------------------------
When Humor-blogs.com is glorified, Satan is horrified.

Keep 'em coming.

Does He have Buns of Steel?

submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Homophones our a b**ch, aren't they?
-----------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Wes Kenney, OK
Especially if He's wearing his "hot pants". After all, it seems He's been doing Pilates.
-------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
Why would we throw it out when so much of it is recycled anyhow?
-------------------------------------------------

"Easter should satisfy your soul, not just your sweet tooth"
submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
And in Georgia, there's a reason they don't feel the need to pluralize "tooth".


I kid my Georgia friends.

"24/7: The anytime-anywhere-God's-there show."
submitted by Amanda M., GA
Starring Keifer Sutherland as Jack Chick.

"Hosanna Hosanna,
bless is he that comes and celebrate Jesus!"
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Verb tenses and adjectives are almost as hard as homophones!

“The cross is the ladder to Heaven.”
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL. Reviewed by Jim F., AL
Does that make sin the chute to Hell?

“The hope of a new year comes in a change of the old you.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Yeah, cause those underpants are REALLY starting to smell ripe.

"Who was
Who is
Who is to come"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Who, who, WHO?! Tell me already! The suspense is killing me!
-----------------------------------------------------------

I'll tell you, Nickie...they're talking about humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

What about a perfect one?

submitted by new contributor Daniel M., IN
Happy Easter, everyone. As much snarking as I do on this site, I hope everybody realizes that I really do believe this stuff and it has changed my life. The only reason I'm so often grumpy about these church signs is because it casts our risen Savior in a (silly) negative light. Have a great holiday. On with the tom-foolery:
-----------------------------------------

submitted by new contributor Daniel M., IN
...and then you're done!

-------------------------------------

"GOD IS MOVING!"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX

Well, I hope He at least leaves a forwarding address.

"This Sunday:
Who's the fool?"

submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B., OK

OK, they're just asking for it with this one.

"Delay is not denial, so keep praying"

submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.

But it might be denial. Why don't we just keep praying because we should enjoy talking to God?

"Sunday Brunch
10:30-12:00
Serve The Lord."

submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Beau S.

So you know, He prefers an extra heapin' of grits. And do NOT burn His toast...

"Shake the devil off"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA

Is that what I stepped in?

"Fly the Rapture Airlines"

submitted by new contributor Dia C., MO

Believe it or not, you STILL only get a measly bag of peanuts.

"Since Jesus is the bread of life, who's holding your bologna?"

submitted by new contributors Jeremy T. and Mark R., AR

I don't know, but at least now I know who has the cheese...

"You must feel a prayer before God can hear it."

GOD: "Huh? Did somebody say something? Oh well...."

What a joke of a sign.

---------------------------------------

Humor-blogs.com probably has some bologna to go with your bread of life.

Keep 'em coming.

Especially when you poke him with it.

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC
And Next on Dr. Phil, we explore why the Devil has these issues and what he can do to work through them constructively.
-----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC

If this sign to you is but a convoluted mess, you're not alone.

--------------------------------------------------------

submitted by Chuck S.

And if you fail, you're out of the club.

What horrid theology....

----------------------------------------------------

submitted by Chuck S.

...or a trail separation.

The financial cost is the most compelling reason to avoid divorce? Really?

-----------------------------------------------------------

submitted by Chuck S.

Just slow down to about 20 mph, and we'll toss a wafer and a juice box in your window for you.

------------------------------------------------------

"You may be getting old, but don't give up!"

submitted AND reviewed by Jennifer B.

..try Viagra instead!

"Get plugged in at <insert church name here>"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Going to church just makes me feel tingly all over.

"God reaches out in many ways. You read this sign didn't you?"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les Du Lunch, GA

Somehow, I always thought that if God reached out to me through a church sign, His message would be more than, “Made you look!”

"2007: Year of the Lord's release. Are you in position to receive?"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA

(First sentence) I didn’t know that the Lord was in jail.
(Second sentence) No, I got confused on the play and ran a buttonhook, and He threw long.

“Blessed are attitudes - To be by”
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA

Yep...any attitude you can "be by" is blessed.

I guess that means this blog is really blessed...it tends to show a little attitude from time to time.

"Blessed are the presecuted"
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA

Is that what happens when you a persecuted before you do anything to deserve it?

“There’s a party at the end of the world.
Do you have your ticket?
Details inside.”

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Will it be at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe?

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Actually, Les, the party will be held at humor-blogs.com

In the previous post, I inadvertently gave Les DuLunch credit for the Scent of Grace sign...sorry to whomever submitted that one...feel free to take the credit you deserve. I deleted the email, so it's up to you now.

Keep 'em coming.

...and they shall give us all allergies.

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Other plants will wither and die, however.
----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Isn't Easter season more about the exit? And re-entry?
--------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Jesus thinks this sign is clever.

-------------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

That's one way to perpetuate a stereotype.
------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA

I thought it smelled like Teen Spirit.

----------------------------------------------------

"Lent is like Spring Training for Christians."

In Spring Training, the players don't try hard because they know it doesn't matter at all in the long run. So, this sign is right!

"The Easter Bunny never rose from the dead"

submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Craig B., CA

I'll have to drive by around Christmas to see if they tell me Santa Claus wasn't born in a manger.

Humor-blogs.com never rose from the dead, either.

Keep 'em coming.

I asked if I could borrow a smoke...

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
I think it's fairly important that they fill us in on what the question was.

Note: About the title to this post...don't smoke, kids.
--------------------------------------

submitted by James G.

This sign soothes like a bomb.
-----------------------------------------

"Jesus is not bunk"

submitted by Vanessa M., Winnipeg, Manitoba

Though, being a carpenter, chances are he made some pretty good bunks.

“An Oak is a nut that held its ground”

submitted AND reviewed by Rev. Randall H., FL
So we’re advocating insanity at any cost?

“With Jesus we are never a write-off”

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen, sign from Auburn, IL
What a guy! He not only “renders unto Caesar,” he refuses to list his charitable gift of Calvary as a deduction! And consider all the dependents he could have claimed!

"To love and to help are the most beautiful verbs."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL

Um, aren't those infinitives?

"Do whatever it takes to get to Jesus."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL

King Herod continued, "...that kid sleeps with the fishes TONIGHT!"

"Our motto: an anchor of hope in a perilous sea."

submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL

I think they need a mantra to explain what the heck the motto means.

Do whatever it takes to get to humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Crummiest Sign Ever?!?

submitted by new contributor Julie Jacobs, sign from AL.
Twice in four hours?! I'll have what he's having.
------------------------------------------

"How rare it is to find a person quiet enough to hear God speak"
submitted by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
You'd think God would have a bigger voice than I do.

Yeah, yeah "Still small voice..." and all that jazz. My point is if God wants to be heard, He is.

"Sunday is the Lord's Day. AM & PM"
submitted by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
PM too?!? Does that mean I have to push my child sacrifices to Mondays?

-------------------------------------------------------

I know I said I wasn't posting a lot this week, but I had to get that first one out once it was sent to me. One of the greatest crummy church signs ever. Way to start off strong, Julie.

Thanks for all your kind thoughts and prayers sent my way. It's officially asthma...fairly serious case, but should be treatable. I'm on two different steriods right now, meaning by this time next year I will either be extremely ripped of a big blob of lard and grease. I know which one I'm rooting for, and I know which one is more likely. Ah well.

Humor-blogs.com ....climaxing daily.

Keep 'em coming.