Snark, Snark, Snark, Snark, Bacon, Eggs, and Snark

Tuesday seems to be cycling around just about every week recently, and you know what Tuesday means around here. Guest post at The Snark. Today, I am tackling the issue of Spam. No, not that Spam. Email spam. Silly.

More crumminess tomorrow.

Keep 'em coming.

Well, it's obviously not Webster's Dictionary.

submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Ryan Geer, FL
And here I was, fixating on the content of the Bible instead. My bad.
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"You are the apple of God's eye."
submitted by Jamie Dunbar, MS
You are also the sunshine of His life. That's why He'll always be around.
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"What are you doing hear?"
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y., TN
Why, can't you sea?
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"This Sunday: The Real Transformer."
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y., TN
Potential visitors....transform and roll out!
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You are the apple of humor-blogs.com 's eye.

Keep 'em coming.

Our pastor is quite powerful.

submitted and asst. reviewed by Jerry Webber
...right over there, next to the Slurpee machine and the lottery tickets.
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"By refusing to say yes to God, you have already said no"
submitted by frequent contributor Lincoln J., WA
"Yep", says the non-Christian as he drives past this sign.


Rev. 3:20:

'Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. If anyone doesn't say yes immediately, I will quit knocking and leave, because that means they have already said no.

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"Man has fallen
This is sure.
Sin the cause,
Christ the cure."
"Signs are crummy
Even when true.
Rhymes don't help
To fill the pews."
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By refusing to say "yes" to humor-blogs.com.....

Keep 'em coming.

My Grudge Needs A Sponge Bath.

submitted by Daniel Myers, IN
Sounds like that darned commie Canadian socialist health care system to me!
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submitted by frequent contributor Joy C., NC
Your old church? Screw 'em!
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“The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet”
submitted by frequent contributor Jamie
Oh, and the branches are sharp and the leaves are...leafy.
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"He is the one who holds your atoms together."
submitted by frequent contributor Allen
Well I guess School House Rock really botched that one, then.
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The roots of humor-blogs.com are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.

Keep 'em coming.

Who?

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Bill Beatty
Yeah, God much prefers it when we chalk it up to fate, luck or karma.

Joel's Note: Phil 2: 11: "...and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is....huh....I dunno...did he play second base for the Indians?"
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submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Jerry Webber
...and don't even get us started on our humility.
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"Alpha is coming!"
submitted by Lauren Johnson
Better Delta soon!!
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"God answers prayers, not advice."
submitted by Lauren Johnson
Well, if Christians are supposed to strive to be more like God, at least we have the second part of this particular equation down pat.
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"Change Brings Freshness"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic
The Gospel According to Pampers.
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Also, thanks to John Halton for sending in this article from West Virginia, featuring an exceptionally crummy church billboard. Yikes.

Humor-blogs.com brings freshness

Keep 'em coming.

Just For Snark.

It's Tuesday, which means I am Snarking today. Check out my post on the downfalls of a certain brand of television commercials.

Plenty of crumminess to tackle tomorrow, and the rest of the week for that matter.

Keep 'em coming.

I WIN! (...and other important stuff)

First of all, I have finally won a caption contest over at the Mattress Police. View my glorious prize, a digitally signed photo, complete with the winning caption:

Hoorah for me. Figures I'd win the one with a comic book theme....
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Second, and most important:
I wanted to share with you my father's efforts on a new Web 2.0 application called Voicethread. Those of you who know me know that my father is a great artist...those who don't know that now have a chance to view some of his work, complete with audio comments from the artist himself.
Below I have embedded one of his voicethreads, which are all of his painted or drawn portraits. For real, they're really not photographs. (Well, they're photographs of paintings, but you get the idea). You will see with the subject matter of the first portrait why I am including this one, even though pops throws me under the bus with the hair thing pretty early on. Use the arrows to navigate between portraits, and use the magnifying glass to zoom in.



If this spiked your interest, or if portraits aren't your thing, you can see his other voicethreads that include:
Landscape Paintings
Animal Paintings
Etchings
Still Life Paintings
Paintings from The Ottawa Series

As you can see, he's an amazing talent, and we're pretty proud of him. If any of you are in the market for a commission or some existing artwork you can email him here. Especially those of you who might, oh, I dunno, be building a new house and need some artwork for the walls.

If you're into art with a more modern bent, my father was kind enough to pass allllllll of his artistic genes onto his daughter, bypassing me altogether (I instead received his scathing wit, which she also received, so it's just not fair all the way around). You can see my sister Emily's work here: (click on "pics")

Back with more crumminess next week.

Apparently, I'm welcome on humor-blogs.com 's couch any time.

Keep 'em coming.

You should see His Triple Lutz...

submitted by new contributor Ryan Geer
Sadly, I think they have inadvertently stumbled on a new reality show idea:

Coming this fall on the Trinity Broadcasting Network...."Skating with the Religious Icons"!!! Judged by Kirk Cameron, Jan Crouch, and Dick Button. Saturdays at 7 ET.

Sorry, Jesus, but my money is on Hod.
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submitted by new contributor StreetFishing
1 Peter 1: 15-16 "But just as He who called you is cool, so be cool in all you do. For it is written, "Be cool, because I am cool."
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Extremely strong contributions from our new contributors today. Welcome, and thanks. Also, check out this neat little post by the Pyromaniacs that references CCS. Thanks, guys!

Do they see humor-blogs.com skating on April 15?

Keep 'em coming.

Just Say No.

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
...and maybe you'll get stoned like the martyrs of old.

Thanks to Rev. Kenney for the post title as well.
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"This Exit:
Rest Area
Food
Eternal Life"
submitted by frequent contributor Stephanie Spruill
Oh, and I almost forgot...Truck Stop Porn.
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"Come on down! You're the next contestant on the Price is Life!"
submitted by frequent contributor Stephanie Spruill
If Drew Carey is hosting at the "Pearly Gates", I'll take hell.
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In other news....

I'M WINNING! Go vote if you haven't yet, or if you're on a different computer than when you voted for the first time.*

*Crummy Church Signs Dot Com, nor any affiliated party, does not in any way endorse or promote the tactic of multiple votes from different IP addresses, except when maybe it benefits them a little bit.

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Crack humor-blogs.com, get high on Diesel fumes.

Keep 'em coming.

Sign me up for some of THAT!!

submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Is it a candlelight service because you forgot to pay your electric bill?
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submitted AND reviewed by Duane B., VA
So faith is like my Medical Benefit Plan at work?

Joel's note: "Reformed Church", with that sign. Hah!
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
"K"indness....Ok..... so what does the "Y" stand for then?!?
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
I didn't realize that they had ever been separated.
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Sure, I punched that dude in the face, but at least I kept my mouth shut while doing it.
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"Slow Down, heaven or hell can wait"
submitted by Richard Steffy
Yeah, we don't really care which one is waiting on you...
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OK, I'm a finalist again in Diesel's caption contest. Last week I was barely second place, and I lost by only a matter of a couple of votes. Of course, it probably would have helped my cause had I not myself voted for the person who won.

Anyhow, check out this week's contest and vote for the best caption.
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Humor-blogs.com is the oil that takes the friction out of life.

Keep 'em coming.

Snark F.M.

It's Tuesday again, so you know what that means...you need to visit today's guest post at the Snark. This time, I tackle those wacky morning DJ's that wake you up every morning on your alarm clock/radio. You know, the ones that you would punch squarely in the face if you ever met them.

I've got a large collection of signs from Duane in VA, so be sure to tune in to Crummy Church Signs tomorrow.

Keep 'em coming.

One too many "not"s?

(Sign says "Grace is not an excuse to sin - but it is the power not to worship.")
submitted by frequent contributor Mondo Davis
This sign confuses me, it will confuse any non-Christian that reads it, and from the looks of things it confused the person who was composing it. What do they call a "worship service" if they have the power to not worship? Clearly they're just putting words up there and not thinking about the complete lack of meaning behind them.
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"Whether on the road or in an argument, when you see red, it's time to stop"
submitted AND reviewed by Chris B., TN
So, wait. You've stabbed the person?
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"Faith is the ability to not panic"
submitted by frequent contributor Cheryl B., TN
So as long as you don't panic, you're saved!!
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As an aside note, the url www.crummychurchsigns.com now points directly to this blog. The old archives were not working out for me, so I dumped them. It's easier to tell your friends about this site now that you don't have to remember the whole "blogspot" part of the equation (though the old blogspot address still works too). So, what are you waiting for? Start telling your friends about www.crummychurchsigns.com!!!

Humor-blogs.com has the ability to not panic.

Keep 'em coming.

He's a big fan of Conan.

submitted by frequent contributor Micah L., MN
Maybe He should try counting His sheep.
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submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Micah L, MN
I hate it when I try to let a little "sunshine" out and I accidentally.....well, never mind.
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submitted by frequent contributor Chuck S.
I guess The Father's out drinking again.
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"God is like Dial soap. Aren't you glad you have him? Don't you wish everyone did?"
submitted by new contributor Mary, FL
Not only will we judge you on your lifestyle, we'll judge you on your personal hygiene as well!!
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"You can't have a testimony without a test."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Jennifer B.

Um... okay. Doing without doesn't sound that bad to me.
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"Go"
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
Does the other side say "Away"?
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"Conditions of the Blessing"
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
Are there?
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It is good to let a little humor-blogs.com out as well as in.

Keep 'em coming.

Next week: "You can't always get what you want."

submitted, asst. reviewed, and post title by frequent contributor Ferd Ferfel
Crummy church signs give people just cause to have Sympathy for the Devil.
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submitted by frequent contributor Ryan D., INDIA
Yeah, I've reviewed this one before. But frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy just relocated to Chennai, India, and I'll be darned if there aren't crummy church signs over there, too.

For those keeping score at home, this gives us the U.S.A., Canada, Britain, Scotland, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, the Bahamas, and now India.
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submitted by new contributor Jessa Lutz
Car "accidents" are really a misnomer. Speed too much and God'll getcha.
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"Got Jesus? It's Hell Without Him."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic
It's not exactly "bring the little children unto me", is it?
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It's hell without humor-blogs.com, too.

Keep 'em coming.

Please hold for the Snark

It's Tuesday again, which means I am guest posting at The Snark.

Today, witness one end of a phone conversation between me and a customer "service" representative.

More crumminess tomorrow. I'm a bit backlogged (company this weekend), so I'll work on getting it all "out there" in the next couple of days.

Also, I am in charge of organizing and writing this week's batch of reviews over at humor-blogs. Head on over and see my handiwork.

Keep 'em coming.

Welcome. Please stand for the benediction...

submitted by Lincoln J., WA
OK, it's biblical. But it's also confusing to the average passer-by who doesn't know the verse or its context already.

And the way the sign is worded, it's like it's only that Sunday. Sort of like "backwards day" back when you were in school: "Today, we're going to sing the hymns in reverse order of the verses. We'll say "amen" at the beginning of our prayers. We'll start the offering with the plates full of money and then the congregation can remove....never mind."

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"PIG IS PORK
COW IS BEEF
GOD IS LOVE"
submitted by new contributor Elliot Hoffman
This sign is nuts.
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"Lost? Try GPS! G-od's P-lan for S-alvation"
submitted by new contributor Mike Dean
...and here I had been using Ganesh's plan all along. Silly acronymns, so confusing sometimes.

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"It's good to be a Christian and know it. It's better to be a Christian and show it."
It's normal to be a Christian and blow it.
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Humor-blogs.com things first.

Keep 'em coming.

...and don't call me Shirley.

submitted by frequent contributor Micah L., MN
And surely He's already purchased His shuttle bus ticket outta here.
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submitted by frequent contributor Micah L., MN
Timely.
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submitted by frequent contributor Micah L., MN
So "hate" is now the equivalent to sneaking an extra bon-bon when you're supposed to be dieting?

"Oh, I'm going to pay for this epithet-filled diatribe in the morning. It'll go straight to my hips."

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"God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called."
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
I woke up one morning, and suddenly I was armed with this scathing wit.

I knew what I had to do next...
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"Can't sleep? Don't count sheep- talk to the shepherd."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily B., TN
Prayer: guaranteed to help you fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer.
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"Nothing turns fact into fiction faster than word of mouth."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily B., TN
'... but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.... on second thought, Tim, scratch speech.' (1 Tim. 4:12)
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"He who buries his talents makes a grave mistake."
submitted by new contributor Chris B., TN
Because God will KILL YOU for it.

Bet you wish you had kept up with those piano lessons now, huh?
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"Plant yourself in church. God provides Miracle Gro."
submitted by frequent contributor Bruce Bezaire, TN
And thankfully for us, He doesn't weed as often as He probably should.
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Nothing turns fiction into fact faster than humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

"We don't create life, we make life better."

submitted by new contributor Eric, SC
I guess there's one church that doesn't mind birth control.
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"The church is not a building. It is a group of people coming together being the presence of Christ."
submitted by Rachel Harrison, GA
I guess if you're going to make a sign that long, little words like "in" are bound to get left out.

I wonder how slow you have to be driving to read the entire thing.
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"Come check out our prophet sharing program"
submitted by Rachel Harrison, GA
I'll give you two Micah's for a Malachi...
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I've finally once again made the finals of a Diesel Caption Contest (after a long dry spell). Go vote for the best caption in his Ocean's 13 Caption Contest.

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Humor-blogs.com doesn't create life, it makes life better.

Keep 'em coming.

The Self Portraiteers

Head on over to The Snark today, for my weekly guest post.

This week, it's a change of pace from my normal Crummy Letters.

Instead, please for your enjoyment, the internet premiere of the mockumentary, The Self Portraiteers. Co-starring me.

Enjoy.

Keep your hand on the humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

And I give it an F.

submitted (and post title) by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA

Answers like that are where "E) All of the Above" comes in handy.
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submitted by frequent contributor Ryan D., MI
And, starting today, prayer also costs $4.95 a shot.
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submitted by frequent contributor Ryan D., MI
Jesus hit the disciples' knuckles with wooden rulers?!?
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"God is looking for people with transparent integrity"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
Is transparent integrity like Harry Potter's invisibility cloak? Even God can't see you?
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Thanks also to Ryan who directed me to this recent article by the Christian Post, that quotes yours truly.

Apparently, journalism is quite simple these days: Instead of actually contacting a source for a quote, just look up something he typed somewhere on the internet and disregard the fact that the author may have signed over the rights to that particular piece of work. Oh, and completely forget to credit the website where you found the quote as well.

Other than that, I actually enjoyed the article (really)!

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Humor-blogs.com is looking for people with transparent clothes.

Keep 'em coming (NEW EMAIL...CHANGE YOUR ADDRESS BOOKS!)