Really? You really meant to put that on your sign?

submitted by Jeremy Bedenbaugh, Kirkland, MO (sign from OK)
...then it's hilarious.

Why not just post a giant hand on the front lawn flippin' the bird to people as they drive past? Same effect, much more direct.

Oh, and by the way, regarding the message on the sign.....NO, IT ISN'T.
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"We use duct tape to fix everything. God used nails."
submitted by Wes Kenney, Hugo, OK
I wish someone in the Oklahoma area would use a sledgehammer to fix everything about these first two signs.

"Commuters: patience is a virtue"
submitted by Betty Churchill, Smyrna, TN
Apparently, this sign was posted in a construction zone on a major thoroughfare. I wonder if road rage has ever carried over from Friday rush hour to a Sunday morning service.......

Keep 'em coming.

"You are ugly. It's OK, God still loves you."

submitted by Kevin Thomas, Pensacola, FL
They are $#@&^-holes. It's OK, God still loves them......


...though they oughta know better.

"Sombody call 911, because this church is on fire."
submitted by Kevin Thomas, Pensacola, FL
Everyone else call 411, because most people aren't gonna get this analogy.

What an off-putting sign to those people seeking and questioning. "Better not go there, they are all on fire."

Crummy Birthdays: The Big 3-0.

Dangit, I'm old. There's just no getting around it anymore.

Here's to 30 more years of being a smart-aleck, wise-acre, or some other not as nice euphamism. Thanks to everyone for helping make the blog a fun, successful, and somewhat therapeutic little venture for me. Keep on reading, and keep on sending them in.

By the way, I have received some submissions lately to signs that I have already reviewed in the archives. Please don't get frustrated if I don't review your sign, it just means I have already done it. Keep sending them in. One of these days I will figure out this whole "interweb" thing and make a website that has them categorized by subject or something. Then it will be easier to find ones I have already done.

The Word: Infallible. This sign, on the other hand.....

submitted by Marty Davis. Sign from Bentonville, AR
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submitted by Miss Kitty from http://educatedandpoor.blogspot.com
...and Jesus can take the square root of -1.

"If you aren't kind, you aren't the right kind."
sybmitted by Marty Davis. Sign from Townville, SC
If you are kind, however, you're perfect!!

"Supernanny": Join us Sunday, blessing our children.

Why would we ask God to bless our children when we can get "Supernanny"?

"Welcome...with your help we can improve our service to God."
...and folks, if you've heard about us, we desperately need the help.

Keep 'em coming.

"When the age of leaders is over, men will say 'Look at what we have done'"

And when the Age of Elves is over, they shall board the ships bound for the Grey Havens? What is this sign talking about? Anybody?!?

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submitted by Josh M. Wilmington, NC
This sign has sort of already been reviewed here. This is a little different, though, because it claims that THIS church might be the only one that's a gift from God. Well, good for Wilmington NC to have such a treasure within its borders.

Also, thanks to Josh, this means that North Carolina makes the Map of Crumminess!

Keep 'em coming.

"Do the bad things of the world make you bitter or better?"

submitted AND reviewed by David Jacks, TX
Well, they made Betty Botta's batter bitter until she bought some better butter and put the better butter in her bitter batter and made her bitter batter better.

Can't they do both?


"Nobody can steal your identity in Christ."
submitted by Miss Kitty at http://educatedandpoor.blogspot.com
This sign isn't that bad, but it is pretty misleading. If you are in Christ, your identity is in Him. Period. And THAT identity can never be stolen. Not because it is "your" identity, but because it is Christ's.

Keep the signs coming, and remember to send in the sermon ratings from 2 posts ago.....

Happy Mother's Day, everyone.

"A mother has an endless river of compassion flowing from her heart"
Yeah, why do we need this "Jesus" guy, anyhow?!

"Does it matter what this sign says?"

submitted by Kellaura Johnson, TX
Well, if you have to ask.....

"Need life insurance? This policy will never expire."
submitted by Joe Kennedy at http://www.wordsarenotenough.com
I saved 10% on my life insurance by switching to Jesus.

(Rant warning regarding that last sign): Can we quit cheapening God? The Bible makes it pretty clear that the main benefit of following Christ....is following Christ. Don't focus on the things we avoid, but the things we gain. And I mean eternally gain. Treating salvation as an "insurance policy" cheapens the cross.

(Rant over)

"PG - Parental Guidance"
submitted and asst. reviewed by David Finch, DC
David thinks that if you need to rate the content of the sermon before allowing people in the building, maybe you ought to rethink the content.

However, it's given me a great idea for the next contest.....

Please submit a ratings system for sermons, based on whatever criteria you would like. Here's my example:

(Rating: Meaning)
NY: No Yelling!
VR: Voice Raised.
CH-80: Consistent Hollering (Decibels approaching 80).
SEP: Spittle Emitting Psycho.

There, a ratings system for the volume of sermons. For example, a calm, meek delivery will get a sermon rated a nice, family friendly NY. Most television preachers would receive an SEP warning in the corner of the screen. Send yours in here, I will post the best ones.

Keep the signs coming, too.

"When your life needs rebooting, remember Jesus SAVES."

submitted by Elizabeth Stewart, Decatur, GA. Sign seen in Kelowna, BC
Yeah, and don't let Satan show you the BSOD.

"The eternal burn ban is not in effect either."
submitted by Hannah Barton, Tulsa, OK
Regional crumminess! Apparently in Oklahoma, they put "burn bans" in effect when the weather is dry, so as not to set the whole state on fire. I guess with some recent wet weather, they have lifted the "burn ban".
Somehow I have a little more respect for God than to equate him with Fire Marshall Bill. And I am still, after all these years, fairly certain that the way to lure new churchgoers has nothing to do with threatening them with a fiery eternity if they don't attend. We wouldn't put that on a church brochure or website, so let's leave it off our signs (which are seen by more people, by the way).

Keep 'em coming.

"Sermon this Sunday: Da Bible or DaVinci?"

submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
...including a special offertory featuring "Da Brat" performing her unique rendition of "In Da Garden".

I'm sure this is the first of dozens of church signs that will spring up over the next couple of weeks referencing the new DaVinci code movie. There is a GREAT interview with pastor/theologian Brian McLaren on www.sojo.org. In it he gives a terrific analysis of the book, movie, the culture's reaction, the church's reaction, and what SHOULD be the church's reaction. Go to www.sojo.org and click on the link for the McLaren interview. It requires registration, but it's worth it. As the author of this church sign might say........it's da bomb.

Keep 'em coming.

"Is your home on the rocks or on the Rock?"

submitted AND reviewed by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Actually, I prefer my home straight up, with a twist.

To be a Masterpiece of crumminess, the other side of this sign would have had to have said "Jesus' love will leave you shaken AND stirred." Or something like that.

Keep 'em coming.

No wonder they're always so snotty.

both pictures submitted by Miss Kitty at http://educatedandpoor.blogspot.com

Notice that they used an upside-down "M" to represent an "W"....not only on the "message", but on the painted part of the sign! HAR!

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I've already reviewed this next sign here. This is just proof it exists. Sadly.

Ye's He Doe's!

all signs this time submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
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Did I miss the Holy Ghost's birthday again?!?!? Man, I will NEVER remember!

I really hope they didn't try a surprise party for him. Probably not a lot of success there.

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What's the purpose behind putting half of the quote on one side, then the other half on the other? What if I only see the second side? "Until Ye Realize He is Alive"....yes, very meaningful in that context.

And what of the person who realizes that both sides are necessary for the "full message"? Who is responsible when they cross 4 lanes of traffic while looking over their shoulder to read the other side? Ye will certainly live as though ye are dead when ye hit a semi truck head-on.

"It wasn't the apple; it was the pair."

submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Oh, those two! Original sin can be so cute if you put the right spin on it!

"Doubt and do without. Believe and receive."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Nothing like giving people a realistic vision of Christ's providence. And this is nothing like it.

"Kind words make happy echoes."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Maybe we can combine the Lord's supper with fortune cookies....our wafers can have little slips of paper with "wise" sayings like this. Sadly, I could probably make a killing with that idea.

"Church is a gift from God: some assembly is required."
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
...and batteries are not included? Offer not valid in Alaska and Hawaii?

"Rabies clinic: 10 AM"
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Is there really NOTHING more important going on in the life of this church?!?

"Wake up call! This Saturday at 7:30 and 9:30"
submitted by David Finch, DC
Turn down service is also available. And they leave a nice mint on your pew on Sunday morning.

"Be encouraged and be an encourager!"
submitted AND asst. reviewed by David Finch, DC
Taken from the book Suicide Counseling for Dummies.

"You can't hide from God by not coming to church."
submitted AND asst. reviewed by David Jacks, TX
Yep. He will pretty much hunt you down and get you. Sucka.

"God replaces the lazy with the diligent"
submitted by Miss Kitty at http://educatedandpoor.blogspot.com
Really? If only Pat Robertson would start to slack a little.....

"Determination is the key to success"
submitted by David Finch, DC
WHAT!?!? On a CHURCH sign? What Bible does this guy preach from? I am tempted to give a few Bible verses that refute this, but you can pretty much just open it up anywhere and start reading. You'll get there soon enough.
If you don't know what I'm talking about: According to Christianity, the key to success is relying on the work of Christ on the cross and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. A little idea called "faith". Not this "determination" bullcrap.
EXAMPLE: I could be determined to dance ballet. I will never make it. I have all the coordination of a drunk, vertiginous giraffe. I'm sure everyone out there has an example as well.

Wow, that's awful. Maryland just made it to orange on the Map of Crumminess (link to the right) with that one. And red isn't far behind.

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I could probably start a blog on Crummy "Christian Band" Names as well. I don't have the time, but I do feel the need to share this one that my sister submitted: "Eve's Hero" Take a second and ponder on what they could possibly mean by that.........


Thanks for all the submissions! Keep sending them in!

New Feature: The Map of Crumminess!

As a new feature to "Crummy Church Signs", I have created the Map of Crumminess. It tracks, through a very scientific process, the frequency at which I receive submissions from different locations around the United States and the world.

If you live in a blank state, that means I haven't received any crummy church signs from that state. So....either they aren't there OR you need to get off your duffs and send them in!!!!

I will keep the map bookmarked on the right-hand menu on this page...check back often!

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture?

submitted by Jennie Sowers, IN
Jennie says this sign had incorrect spelling on it for 3 weeks. That's dedication to a cause, right there.

"Easter is a joke on the devil. Ha!"
submitted by John Allen Bankson, Ruston LA
God must be one committed prankster, sending his Son to die for a punch line.

"A cheerful friend is like a sunny day"
submitted by Nickie Albert, Mobile AL ('sup, fellow Belhaven Blazer!!)
So...a cheerful friend can burn you?
A cheerful friend makes you sweat?
Huh?

"God's will is our peace."
submitted by Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
This could mean so many things (most of them wrong):
Peace as in "happiness": Uh, no.
Peace as in "peace of mind": Doubt it.
Peace as in "comfort": Not so much.
Peace as in "not going to war": I might buy that.
Peace as in "not at war with God any more": Sure.

"God deserves your attention"
submitted AND reviewed by David Finch, DC
I don't recall that verse in the Bible: "Be ye holy, as I am holy. And stand up straight and pay attention when I'm talking to you, son!" Does He want us to salute as well?

"Your destiny is determined by a choice, not chance."
Gee, thanks, Uncle Ben. Or was that Jor-El? Or did Professor X say that?
Where exactly does the Book of Stan Lee fall in the canon, again? Is it before or after Galatians?

Thanks to Nickie, first time submitter, friend of my sister, and fellow Belhaven grad. Glad you found the site.

Keep 'em coming, everyone.

"We stand on the Rock, not sing it"

submitted by Sara Fisher, Cedar Springs, MI
But Petra did BOTH.




(1990, Beyond Belief album, track 2....don't EVEN mess with that.)

Thanks to Sara, first time submitter!
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We also have a couple of "winners" to announce.

First of all, best made-up Beatitude comes from David Finch in Washington DC:

"Blessed are the blind for they do not have to witness stupid church signs"

And the best Resurrection Cheer comes from the Anonymous poster in the comments section (and it made me laugh out loud):

"Rah rah! Hey hey!
Who's been disinterred today?
It's Jesus....clap, clap....it's Jesus!

Step forth and claim your glory, Anonymous Poster!

Keep 'em coming

From the upcoming sequel "How the Grinch Stole Easter".......

submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Does anybody know how a "Resurrection Cheer" goes?

Is it.....

"Stopping Satan's Insurrection,
Is Jesus' Third Day Resurrection!"

or is it...

"One, two, three, four!
Who's not buried anymore?
It's Jesus.....(clap, clap)....it's Jesus.......(clap, clap)......"

I can picture it, complete with middle school cheerleaders and some sort of clumsy human pyramid (or worse yet, a cross).



I will take suggestions for other "Resurrection Cheers" as well....and I am still taking Beatitudes from a couple of weeks ago.

Send 'em in.

Talk about taking church discipline a little too far....

"Live drive-thru crucifixion. March 31-April 1, 7-9 PM"
submitted and asst. reviewed by John Allen Bankson, Ruston, LA
All the convenience of a regular crucifixion, and you don't even have to leave your car!

"Are we there yet?"
submitted and asst. reviewed by David Finch, DC
Well if they don't know, then what hope do the rest of us have?

"Join us on our journey to eternity"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I have an idea...maybe they could make it sound a little less like they are going to hitch a ride on the next comet that passes through the system.

"The Bible. What if it is true!"
submitted by David Jacks, TX
Punctuation. What if we used it correctly!

"Closed."
submitted by David Jacks, TX
Pretty much the ultimate crummy church sign.


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Hey kids, if you're going to send a picture with your sign submission, make sure that YOU TOOK THE PICTURE, that you didn't borrow it from some other website.

Please don't use other people's stuff without permission. It makes me look crummy too.