"Life does not have a make up test."

submitted AND reviewed by Beau Sorrell, MN
I just imagine sitting before the Pearly Gates at a desk three sizes too small, with nothing but a #2 pencil and a piece of paper. The paper, of course, has one question:

---------------------------------------------
Do You Love Jesus And Accept Him As Your Savior?
Please make sure to fill in the bubble completely.

Yes


No



Please return your paper to St. Peter upon completion.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Nicely done, Beau.

Keep 'em coming.

New Rule: If you can't spell your denomination's name...you're out of the denomination.

all signs this post submitted by new contributor Chuck S.
"Not typical" in that we refuse to look at the blue part of our sign to see how to spell "Baptist".

I could have had a field day just with the slogan, too...but I might leave that to the Baptist brothers and sisters in the comments section.
--------------------------------------------------














At what point does a "trend" reach epidemic proportions?
-----------------------------------------------















...and you sure wouldn't want to be in heaven one second longer than you need to.

Isn't this sign sort of assuming everyone speeding past the church is going to hell? I didn't know 45 in a 35 was the unforgiveable sin.

Thanks, Chuck!

Everyone else....keep 'em coming.

"Life Happens Every Day."

submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
But it only happens on alternating nights, so watch out!!

"Firefighters rescue. Only Jesus saves."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Part of a 5-week series of crummy church signs featured on this marquee, including:
"Paramedics give CPR. Only Jesus saves."
"Archivists retain old data. Only Jesus saves."
"Goalies stop pucks. Only Jesus saves."
"Secretaries back up their files. Only Jesus saves."

Keep 'em coming.

"Who's on your team?"

submitted AND asst. reviewed by KC Swan, Tulsa, OK
Well, until the end of the free agent signing period, I can't tell for sure. But Lord knows we need some pitching.

We could also use someone to replace Judas, who was great on the "suicide squeeze" play.

*rim shot*

KC also points out a church sign that was seen shortly afterwards offering emergency food for those in need, accompanied by a phone number. Sigh. 400+ crummy church signs, and this is the first mention of one doing something so very right.

Keep 'em coming.

"Without fail, we do, but He doesn't."

submitted by Christine from this blog (VA)
Ummmmmmm......I'd like to buy another verb?

Any ideas? Anyone? Bueller?

Keep 'em coming.

This sign is so crummy, even the camera rejected it.

(It said "We become like what we worship")
submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Greg from Kinda Kitschy
Please note: the doctrines of sanctification apply only to Jesus. Not money ("I'm becoming green and papery!"). Not women ("Why am I developing breasts?"). Not gouda cheese ("Mmmm. I'm rich and creamy!").

No wonder the camera said "No".
------------------------------------------------














submitted by frequent contributor Greg S. from Kinda Kitschy
Yeah, I know how He feels. As a teacher, I do a lot of grading and it really does feel comparable to being....

NO, I'm not going there. But I could have. And many people driving by probably do. So let's not put it on our sign.

Keep 'em coming.

A New Website for fans of CCS

Okay, most readers of Crummy Church Signs will find this website highly amusing:

The Church You Know

Have you seen those NBC public service announcements "The More You Know"? This is a series of vidoes satirizing those announcements, based on funny things the church does and believes. They also manage to pull it off without sounding bitter and jerky, something I have not yet managed to wrap my mind around.

Do check it out. Great stuff. Pass it on.

"Goals are dreams with deadlines"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
So if my goal is to pay my mortgage and my taxes on time, that's a dream? I feel tingly all over with anticipation!

Five Funny Blogs and Two Crummy Church Signs

Firstly, let me be forthcoming in saying that I am only doing this because I am a sheep, and will shamelessly emulate anyone wittier or more clever than myself in an effort to sound witty and clever, and to otherwise associate myself with that person. So, that being said, I am now shamelessly emulating Diesel AND Gregory in submitting, for your pleasure, Five Funny Blogs. In fact, I cut and paste this paragraph and the following list of criteria from them. Completely shameless. Here are the criteria to make "the list":

1. They are funny.
2. They are made up of mostly original content (not links to other blogs, YouTube, etc.)
3. They are updated regularly.
4. There is a good chance you've never heard of them. That means they don't have a gazillion other links to them, hundreds of readers leaving comments, etc. Well...some of them do, but my the readers of my blog that I know don't all already read all of these blogs.
5. At least one of them isn't already on my blog roll. (In other words, I had to go looking for it.)

Here goes:

Five Funny Blogs

Mattress Police: The aforementioned witty person whom I am emulating (Diesel). Random essays about his life, music, movies, etc. that cause me to laugh out loud. And I'm a tough audience.

Kinda Kitschy: The other aforementioned witty person whom I am emulating (Gregory). Basically, it's a collection similar to Crummy Church Signs, but with Christian Kitsch. Be sure to read his recent review of Christian Eau de Toilette. Priceless. (Diesel's subsequent comments aren't bad either).

Indexed: The math teacher in me likes the Venn diagrams. The smart ass in me likes the content and commentary.

Steeples and People: More thought-provoking than funny (though it is quite funny...).

Slacktivist: If you aren't keeping up with his (her?) running commentary as he reads his (her?) way through the Left Behind series...well....I'm sorry for you. Start now, and catch up on the archives when you have a spare week or two.

So, there it is. I’ve done my good deed for the day and balanced my karma. Now go increase their hit counters. And do the same post on your blog, with 5 new blogs! Spread the hits around.

NOW....a couple of Crummy Church Signs, as the title of this whole blog promises.

"Make Jesus Savior and Lord"
submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
Wow...that's giving me a lot more power than I thought I had. Who knew?

Oh....they meant to add "...of my life". Still...

"Hallalujah Hoedown!"
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
"Swing your partner round and round,
Try to endure this awful sound!
Promenade and doe-si-doe;
Pass the plate, give us your dough!

Change your partner, still sing praise,
If this were real, we'd change our ways!
But we hate immigrants and gays,
No matter what the Bible says!"

At least this is what I guess it would sound like.

You may add your own verses to the "Hallelujah Hoedown" in the comments section.

Yeah...this is pretty much how God approaches things.

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., Mobile, AL
Yeah, well, the Church has been "wise" for a few decades now, haven't we?


More.

The Halloween Special

"This House is possessed by the Holy Ghost"
submitted by Eric, GA
Yeah, because that's the same thing as a haunting.

Sigh.

It also wreaks havok on French Kissing....

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
Well, only if you swallow it...and if that's the case, then you have much bigger problems than a simple cut.
----------------------------------------------














submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
I think so...who did He play His college ball for again?
----------------------------------------------












submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
It's also much easier to resist when you're not a sinner. So get it together, would ya?!?
----------------------------------------------

"A smile is a curve that sets things straight."
submitted by frequent contributor Greg S. from Kinda Kitschy
So's a whip.

*crack*

Keep 'em coming.

"Enthusiasm is faith in action"

submitted by frequent contributor Cheryl Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
What if I am enthusiastically relying on myself?

How are these two things even remotely related?

Crazy Jay agrees with this sign, by the way. That's not a good thing for this sign.

"Think of it as fire insurance for eternity."
submitted by Miranda C., Nashville, TN
"It?" Can I think of anything as fire insurance for eternity?

Again, people....if you are going to use a horribly crappy metaphor, at least be specific about what your horribly crappy metaphor is about. I think this church couldn't even bring themselves to note that salvation is equivalent to fire insurance, so they just sort of half-^%#$ed their sign. If you are going to have the gall to put this garbage on your sign, at least go all the way and own it.

Keep 'em coming.

The other side was crummy in Spanish.

submitted by Val Williams. Sign from Boston, MA
Why do some Christians, even when they are speaking the truth, have to sound like such jerks about it?

I have decided I am creating a new section/category on the website. I haven't decided on the exact name of it yet, but it is going to contain signs that are designed to make the passer-by feel inferior and stupid. Any good ideas for the name of the category? Please post in the comments below.
------------------------------------------------














submitted by frequent contributor Gregory from Kinda Kitschy.
I'll have the Loaded Potato Soup, please.

-------------------------------------------------














submitted by frequent contributor Gregory from Kinda Kitschy
I had a similar sign submitted once, and my review is the same for this one:
What do you want to bet they only achieve the first of the three adjectives?
-------------------------------------------------
"Come get a faith lift!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kevin Thomas, FL
We altho have botockth and breatht implanth.

Long time readers will know I have reviewed that last one before, but Kevin's is funnier and I am always up for a funnier re-do.

Keep 'em coming.

I expect so much better from a Reformed Church....

submitted by Kristin Bush
I think they need an extra line or two on their sign to make this message make sense. Or drop off the final "-ess". Or just abandon the idea altogether.

Notice that the guy in the sign above the church sign is walking away from the church....quite the metaphor, that.
------------------------------------------------














submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
How, in all of these 400+ signs, have I managed to never cover this one before?

Oh well, here goes:

God catches them. God cleans them. You're nothing but the worm on the hook.

Look, I know it's Jesus' metaphor...but adding to His words only confuses the message. Let the Holy Spirit work through you, do what you are supposed to do, and don't take too much credit.

Keep 'em coming.

However, whether we like you or not still depends on income.

submitted by KC Swan. Sign from Bixby, OK
I agree with the "not income" part, but the first 4 words are buggin' me. Where's forgiveness in all that? Learning from your mistakes? Effort?

"It is a good thing to pick your friends, but not to pieces."
The same thing applies to your nose. And scabs.

"If you can read this sign you can still be forgiven by God."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
Hmm, so the blind and the illiterate don't stand a chance. Maybe that's what that whole predestination thing is about.

"Come to me all ye who are weak, heavy-laden, and literate, and I will give you rest...."

Keep 'em coming.

Since when was Jesus a cross-dresser?

submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
This might be the most poorly constructed sign in terms of composition, grammar, punctuation, spelling, and general appearance that has ever been submitted. Congratulations, Texas!
--------------------------------------------------------
















submitted by frequent contributor SpookyRach, TX
I'm just sure the kiddies are thrilled by a Halloween alternative that doesn't include the word "treat" anywhere in the title.

Hey, it might rock, I dunno....but the sign sure doesn't give us a clue.
--------------------------------------------------------

"Sermon Broken"
submitted by Hilary Swinson, Charlottesville, VA
Some little quotation marks and a colon could go a long ways. As in:

Sermon: "Broken"

See?
-------------------------------------------------------------------














submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Not technically a church sign (a BBQ pit store), but I love the fact that Jesus can use His reputation to get a good discount on all His BBQ needs. My guess is He doesn't need it to BBQ pork.

Keep 'em coming.

Autograph? Don't they mean signature? There's a difference.

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Well...I guess we should be thankful for small blessings. God's autograph could look like this.

-------------------------------------------------------


















submitted by April B.
April said she tried to get her boyfriend to pose in front of the sign in his housecoat, sitting in a recliner, smoking a cigar, etc. Too bad he declined.

---------------------------------------------------------------
"Get a grip on money"
submitted by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
Get a grip...and then never let go. That's the Christian way!

Send 'em in here.

"Scared? Come worship with us."

all signs this post submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, Smyrna TN
Because we're scared too!

"Every exit is an entrance to someplace else."
I wonder if they use that same sunny rationale when members try to leave the church.


"Life shrinks and expands in proportion to one's courage."
Yes, folks the secret of life revealed: Life is like a 13-year old boy and courage is like the new Victoria's Secret catalog. It was right there in front of us all along.

Is "courage" a fruit of the Spirit now? Or a beatitude? "...the greatest of these is courage"? What's going on here?


"It is easier to preach ten sermons than to live one."
This just in: The church board has put this sign up because a congregational vote on the pastor's next pay raise is soon. He is none too pleased with the message on the sign, nor the timing.


"The Bible is most helpful when open"
Except when you're trying to kill mosquitos with it. Then closed really is the best option.

By the way, just opening a Bible and letting its aura sort of seep through the room really isn't as helpful as the sign might suggest it is. It's most helpful when read....and even maybe applied.



Thanks to Emily for the batch o' crumminess. She also helped review that last one.

Keep 'em coming.

Isn't this sort of up to your parents?

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
And it's probably best that you die the same way.


WAIT...................no.

--------------------------------------------------------

"Christians are like pumpkins. God cleans you up and gives you a light and a smile."
spotted by Jeb Naylor, submitted by Kyle Evans, AL. Asst. reviewed also.
Note that God "cleans you up", rather than "cleans you out." It works better on BOTH sides of the stupid simile, yet they still can't get it right. By the way, God also takes your seeds, salts them, roasts them, eats them, then spits out your shells.

Our commenting friend Allen will like that last one...it goes with his profile picture. "God cleans you up and gives you a light and a smile and a huge alien brain".

Keep 'em coming.

"Heaven is sweet, hell is hot, you are going to one, ready or not."

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney. Sign from near Paris, TX.
(I included the text in the post title, since it's a little hard to read.)
If that's the case...I'll take heaven. That was easy!
----------------------------------------------------------------

















submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney. Sign from Paris, TX
Mo' scars, mo' heaven. Let the floggings begin.

By the way, God also looks you over to make sure you purchased little shards of the cross, shrouds of Jesus' garments, sand from the Via Dolorosa, and such. Hey, if we're going back to the dark ages, let's go all the way. No half-%$$ing it here.
---------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm Jesus, and I approve this message."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Rev. Bill Beatty
Jesus approves of a message stating that....Jesus approves of a message? How's that for circular logic? Not to mention arrogance....maybe this church found my blog and is calling me out, Savior-style. ("We'll show that smart-aleck...he'll think Jesus is mad at him!! He couldn't possibly make fun of that!")

"Peace begins with a smile."
submitted by frequent contributor Cheryl Bezaire, TN
Oh yeah?



Keep 'em coming.

Is the Cup of Joy related to the Holy Grail? Or is that different?

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
All over the brand new Carpet of Contentment!! Geez!
-------------------------------------------------------------------


















submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Jesus is also a good person to send to the door when the Mormons and/or Jehovah's Witnesses knock. They won't recognize Him at all! .....ZING!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Bring your sin to the alter
And drop it like it's hot.
Drop it like it's hot."
submitted AND asst. reviewed by Nick Bell, Buffalo, NY
Alter, indeed. I can think of some things I'd like to "alter".

NOTE: This sign is referencing rap lyrics, for those who aren't "down". Check out the lyrics this church is referencing. Unless you are offended by pot, oral sex, gang violence, prostitution, and tons of profanity, in which case DON'T CHECK THEM OUT AT ALL.

This will be the first church to put spinners on its church van, I just know it.


Keep 'em coming.

"Church as fun as the movies"

submitted by Ian Adnams, Winnipeg, Manitoba
Just please don't spill popcorn onto the pews.

Now that I think about it, I can think of some churches I have been to that remind me a great deal of some movie titles....movie titles like:
"The Temple of Doom"
"Jackass"
"Psycho"
"The Never-ending Story"
"12 Angry Men"
"The Usual Suspects"
"Apocalypse Now"
"Unforgiven"

Heh heh...I could go on. But so could you. Use the comments section to reference other movie titles that a poor church experience (like a crummy sign!) might remind you of.....

"Pray - don't be a hater."

submitted by Joshua Long, sign from Las Vegas, NV
"Don't hate God." Always solid advice from a church.

This sign is silly because "Don't hate the prayer, hate the prayer" doesn't exactly have the same ring to it as "Don't hate the player, hate the game" , does it? In fact, it doesn't make any sense. At all.

"Good thing Mary didn't have an abortion."
submitted by Joshua Long, sign from TX
Yeah, all women who have had an abortion: what if your child was the Messiah?!? HUH?!? How do you feel now?!?

Look, I don't like abortion any more than the next guy...but this sign is just terrible. Some women really struggle with a difficult decision and then struggle with guilt afterwards. The church should be there to listen and love these women, not throw terrible "what if's" at them and make them feel worse. Jesus didn't say to the woman at the well "Good thing my mom wasn't a slut!" did He? Alright then.

More.

...except that Jesus doesn't give anal probes (that we know of)

submitted by Aaron Morey
It's a shame that they can't decide exactly when this alien life form is going to invade. I would really like to see it. I guess I should just show up at 8 and wait around....
-------------------------------------------------------------------
















submitted by frequent contributor SpookyRach and her brother Jonathan, TX
Just don't start making lives in our pews, please. Ew.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"What does (church member's name withheld) wear at age 50? IT DEPENDS!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Nothing like a good incontinence joke to encourage the passers-by.


Keep 'em coming.

I said eat it!! EAT IT, HEATHEN!!!!

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
Feed on the Bread of Life from the Trough of Calvary using the Spork of the Holy Spirit.

Look, I know "Bread of Life" is an analogy straight from Jesus...but it's hard to convey the full weight of His meaning in 12 words or less. So let's stop trying.

"Get away from yourself. Come to church."
submitted AND reviewed by Anna Gervasi, Columbia, TN
It's nice to know I've finally found a place where I can be fake.

"Spend some time alone every day."
"Don't let a small dispute damage a great relationship."
(different sides, same sign).
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I would get some sort of sick satisfaction if the name of this church's pastor actually WAS Dr. Phil Something.

Also, April B. sent a link to this cartoon. Heh heh heh....

Keep 'em coming.

"How does a Christian spell Heaven? H-O-M-E."

submitted by frequent contributor Wes Kenney, OK
It's time for a fun game! In the comments section, make your OWN crummy church sign by filling in the blanks:

"How does a Christian spell _______Christianese word_______ ? ________spell the word here________.

It's like Mad Libs, but crummier.

Keep 'em coming.

"Put a period on your past."

submitted by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
This sign is very similar to a rejected catchphrase for a new prescription drug, "Put a past on..." Well...you get the idea.

"God is the God of possibilities."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
Please turn in your Bibles to 1st Osteen 1:5......

More.

....and Jesus loves you!

submitted by Claude E. Lett IV
The other side of the sign said, "...and if you lose the rat race, then you're a rat and a loser."
----------------------------------------------------
















submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
...unless it's on a crummy church sign, then we should change it all we want.
----------------------------------------------














submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
"God"....wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean?
--------------------------------------------------------
"Come burn with us"
submitted by Greg S., Florissant, MO*
It's hard to tell if this church:
a) is all going to hell.
b) is "on fire" for God.
c) caught "the clap" from the temple prostitutes.

"God makes pumpkins too"
submitted by Chris Jensen, Paradise CA
I am still convinced that squash is the work of the devil, though.

*Be sure to check out Greg S.'s new blog Kinda Kitschy. It's sorta like Crummy Church Signs, but it's all the crap you find in Christian bookstores.

Keep 'em coming.

Yep. You're pretty much by yourself out there.

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
This is where "context" becomes mightily important.

And where did this book of "Ho" come from? Is it anywhere near First and Second Pimp?

--------------------------------------------------------------
"Lord I'm running. 99 and a half won't do"
"Don't run with the world, instead walk with God"
both sides of the same sign submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Run...don't run....what do you want from me?!?

I think that first one is some cultural reference...I would use the term "pop" culture, but I don't know how "pop" the culture in question actually is. Can anybody offer some help in the comments section?

"Shine don't whine"
submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Shine don't rhyme.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

















submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Adjectives are a good thing. Too much of a good thing is still....well....too much.
------------------------------------------------------------------

"Welcome a child--Welcome God."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
What do we get if we welcome a puppy?

"When it rains, He pours."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
...whiskey? Is God so hard up for cash that He's tending bar on rainy days? What was this sign even supposed to mean? Maybe the people making this sign were pouring whiskey....

"Are you going places or just being taken?"
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks. Sign seen in North Dakota.
Or are you doing the taking? (Churches, I'm talkin' to you......)

Blogger has decided that's enough pictures for this post, so I will continue this LARGE batch in the next post (sorry, I got a little backlogged there.)

Keep 'em coming.

"Let us wash you in the blood of a dead man."

submitted by Daniel Bull, Beaver PA
Dear all non-Christians: I swear Christianity is nothing like this, no matter how we make it look sometimes.

"Go Bush Go! Bring the ammo!"
submitted by Rev. David Hawes, Shelby, NC
Dear all non-Christians: I swear Christianity is nothing like this, no matter how we make it look sometimes.

Sigh.


Keep 'em coming.

It's so crummy it takes up both sides.

signs submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Rumor has it that this church torched the "eating establishment" in question just so they would have the chance to put this sign up.

Props to Rev. Hendrix for taking non-blurry pictures of these signs. The camera would have been shaking (from laughter) if it had been up to me.

Keep 'em coming.

Didn't your mother ever tell you...

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
Yeah, you can't see the shadow because you're blind from the sunshine!
-------------------------------------------------------------------

















submitted by April B., Austin, TX
"Got Members?"


Keep 'em coming.

Crummy Is An Adjective...

submitted by John Lutz, Englewood, CO
A verb like this? :

"Mommy, I Christianitied in my pants!!"

"My dad walked in on me while I was Christianitying!!!"

"Awww, I just Christianitied this whole thing up."

"Would you quit Christianitying while I am trying to read?"

"The dog just Christianitied off somewhere...can you find him?"

Maybe not.....

---------------------------------------------------------

"The pew is a launching pad, not a rest area."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. John Allen Bankson, Ruston, LA
Now you are just catapulted directly into the baptismal pool from where you sit?

And whoever has been using the pews as "rest areas"...please stop. Have you ever seen those rest areas along the interstate?!? Eww...
--------------------------------------------------------

The rest of these signs were submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen (MN) and were originally posted on his blog.















Note: This one says "Celebrate our heroes and sheroes". No, really, it does.

Sounds like a Greek temple to me..... To Dionysius! To Athena! Party time!!! Toga Toga Toga!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
















Funny...that's the same analogy my doctor gave me when I asked him about....

...oh, never mind.

As a bonus, at least they didn't spell the name of their church as "Sonrise".
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Blogger has stopped me from posting any more pictures, so I will continue Micah's pics on the next post.

Keep 'em coming.

New Website Section

QUOTES: See who is saying what about Crummy Church Signs. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

Unfortunately, I deleted all my old hate mail as soon as I received it. From now on, it goes up on this page. Especially if the writers can't be bothered to read the disclaimer first.

Enjoy. Or not.

Our house, in the middle of our street? Our house, in the middle of our...

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
Next week the sign read:
Our house it has a crowd
There's always something happening
And it's usually quite loud

It sounds like the pastor wants to add a sunroom.....

-----------------------------------------------------

"Mature Christians are RIPE for Heaven”
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
That is some rotten fruit of the Spirit, right there.

And by the way, old folks: CONGRATULATIONS, you're almost dead. What a terrible sign.

“How a Woman Respects a Man”
submitted by Katie Trapp, Farmington Hills, MI
You mean bringing him his beer while he convalesces in the Barcalounger isn't it?!?!

“It pays to serve God”
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Yeah, but the benefits suck.

“What do you do when you have a but?”
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Aw, c'mon. They're just asking for it now.....

In the case of the person who wrote that sign....you kick it.

“We celebrate our diversity”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
I think I know what they are trying to say, but instead of saying that everyone is welcome it sounds to me like someone is running for office.


By the way, the lyrics in the first post are from the Talking Heads. Do try and keep up, will you? :)

With a Rebel Yell, I cry More! More! More!

When Church Signs Suck

An article I wrote, entitled When Church Signs Suck, has been posted over at my friends and co-conspirators Church Marketing Sucks. Head over and check it out!

"Say Yes to Families, No to Cashews."

submitted by frequent contributor Nickie Albert. Sign from Lucedale, MS
This absolutely has to be the work of a sign vandal. No way they meant that.............right?!?!!?

"If your problem is long-standing, maybe you should try kneeling."
submitted by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
And if your problem is long-kneeling...you're pretty much screwed.

"Gain the World And Lose Your Soul. Deal or No Deal."
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
Um...I'd like to phone a friend?

"God Specializes."
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
So do prostitutes. I think the key is "In what?"

"A child of the King should bear some family resemblance."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Hey! I just rained fire and brimstone down on my students the other morning! Isn't that good enough?

"Prosperity is to understand how God does things."
Anonymous submission from Auburn, IL
Well, if you can get past the terrible sentence construction, this sign is still pretty much awful. I wonder if they have ever heard of this little idea called "faith"?

Also, Joseph Birthisel sent me a link to this article about a controversial church sign. Nice.

The frequent contriubtors lit it up this time around. Good job, everyone.

Keep 'em coming.

Philip Haentzler, 49: One of 2,996

In memory of the 5-year anniversary of 9/11, Crummy Church Signs is proud to participate in 2,996, a project where almost 3,000 different bloggers from around the world pay tribute to an individual victim of the tragedies of 9/11/2001.

Today we remember Philip Haentzler.

Philip Haentzler, 49, was a legal administrative officer for Kidder Peabody-Paine Webber in the WTC building. Mr. Haentzler was survived by his wife Patricia A. Thompson-Haentzler. There is a terrific memorial article published on one of Mr. Haentzler's former school's website, (an all-French school by the way...fitting that I should be blogging about Mr. Hanetzler....) . The original article was published in the Staten Island Advance and written by Leah Karnatski. It reads:

Every morning for nearly two decades, Philip Haentzler would get up early and make a pot of coffee. He would pour a cup, place it on the table with a spoon, and peruse the New York Times for stories relating to social work.

If he found one, he would place the story, face up, on the table next to the coffee and wait. It was a ritual, but it wasn't for himself. Mr. Haentzler, a resident of St. George, did this every morning for his love, Patricia Thompson, who would wake up from a peaceful slumber once the powerful and soothing aroma of morning reached her.

Now, the social worker hardly sleeps, and she's been sipping her treasured morning coffee alone since Mr. Haentzler became one of the missing victims of the World Trade Center attacks. Mr. Haentzler was a legal administrative officer for Kidder Peabody/UBS Paine Webber on the 101st floor of Tower 1.

"I started my day with Philip, and I ended my day with Philip," said Ms. Thompson. "He was so supportive of me, and gave me a love so grand that it pains me to realize he's no longer with me."

Born in Manhattan, Mr. Haentzler was brought to Queens as a baby. His parents were born and married in France, and Philip attended Lycee Francais on the Upper East Side. All of his classes were in French. He had an immense talent for languages, Ms. Thompson said. Already fluent in French, Latin and Spanish, he was working on his German. He was also a voracious reader and "read everything he picked up," she said. Mr. Haentzler earned a degree in history from Haverford (Pa.) College, and a degree in paralegal studies from New York University. After college, he spent three years in Paris trying to make it as a writer.

An aspiring playwright, he kept his work at the office, so Ms. Thompson never had a chance to read his newer, incomplete projects. He finished a one-act play about the American Revolution that was critiqued by the former Minstrel Society of New York in the 1980s.

The couple met at Kidder Peabody in 1983, when she was a legal secretary. "He had piercing eyes," she said. "Our first date was on St. Patrick's Day. We went out for a drink after work, and went out every night after that." They frequented puppet shows, off-off-Broadway theater, and often went to a film house in Greenwich Village that showed short films. The audience would sit on pillows to view the films, after which Mr. Haentzler loved to critique them for hours. "He was a walking encyclopedia," Ms. Thompson said. "We talked all the time, and had a perfect relationship as far as communication."

In the fall of 1983, he was transferred to a Kidder Peabody office in Houston, and Patricia followed. They remained in Texas for seven years. After returning north, they rented an apartment in Manhattan, but moved to St. George the following year because the commute was easier. They bought a house next door to their apartment building in March 2000, where they could share their morning coffee on the balcony off the main floor.

The couple preferred outdoor vacations, and visited towns throughout Pennsylvania together. "We both preferred a rustic vacation," said Ms. Thompson. They also traveled to Vermont, Lake Placid, N.Y., and Canada and had recently purchased a time-share condominium in the Delaware Water Gap, Pa., area. A favorite destination was a certain mountain resort in Pennsylvania, which Mr. Haentzler had visited many times as a child. When his father died, he spread his ashes there.

"This was a very sacred spot for him. He created a memorial for his father there." Patricia said.

In addition to Ms. Thompson, Mr. Haentzler is also survived by his mother, Madeleine Debolt. There will be a memorial service Saturday at 1 p.m. in St. Peter's R.C. Church, New Brighton.

Y'know, the goal of the 2,996 project was to do some research on each victim and write a fitting tribute....but I don't think it gets more fitting than the above. To all my regulars: Please keep Patricia and the rest of Philip's friends and family in your prayers and thoughts. Peruse the rest of the 2,996 project as well. Keep all of the victim's families in your thoughts and prayers today.

God bless.

"It is less stressful to serve the Lord."

These people beg to differ.

"We Can."
submitted by Cindy Tucker, sign from Fairfield, OH (Cindy's Blog)
God might be able to.

"You had to be there Sunday."
submitted by Cindy Tucker, sign from Fairfield, OH
Or I had to be at my own church, thank you very much.

"Windows are for looking through. So are your problems."
submitted by Megan Wetekamp, South Bend, IN
I throw rocks through my problems.

"Does your face have worry wrinkles? You need a faith-lift!"
While you're at it, have an Eternal Life-o-suction!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------



















submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Whatcha wanna bet that someone performed "Daddy Sang Bass" for the offertory?

Keep 'em coming.

Another church where you need to know the password....

submitted by frequent contributor Wes Kenney, OK
Sigh.....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We are not masters of the earth. Only guest."
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
How could we be Masters of the Earth when this guy is Master of the whole freakin' Universe?

(And Nickie made sure to point out that both sides had the singular form of "guest". *snicker*)

"The best defense is an offense."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, sign from Saraland, AL
So I guess this is why many church signs take to insulting readers, saying they're ugly and stuff?

"Remember C A L V A R Y"
submitted and reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
Forget the Alamo.

"To get to heaven turn right and go straight."
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
I suppose it was only a matter of time before we started using the same taglines for both Christianity and the Republican party......(sigh)........

-----------------------------------------------------------------------


















submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
The bumper sticker reads "Jesus is coming....RUE?"....except I think the "E" is supposed to be the color red (not faded out) so it's a play on "Are You Ready (Red "e")".

Isn't it hilarious now that I have explained it to you? And it really works well when the red ink fades out.....

Not technically a church sign....but crummy.

Keep
'em
coming.

Uh......no.

Ok, I am normally not into all of those MySpace surveys and games, but this one seemed rife with potential for side-splitting humor....until I realized that it was completely bogus. I don't look remotely like any of these people. And you're telling me a Victoria's Secret model is my #2 celebrity look-alike?!?!

If there wasn't a picture, we wouldn't believe it....

submitted by frequent contributor Wes Kenney, OK
And if you're REALLY quiet, you can hear a meteor hurtling towards this church and its sign.

--------------------------------------------------------------------


















submitted by Jason Kranzusch, Jackson, MS. Originally posted on Jason's Blog.
I didn't know there was a huge church marketing opportunity in Mississippi for former rock stars. My best friend did see one of the guys from R.E.M. in a movie theater there once...but I don't think he's a Mennonite.

Yeah, I know, it's not technically a church sign, nor is it really crummy. I just think the name is as amusing as Jason does.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
"We become like those we spend time with."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
I guess that explains why I've been trying to wear my wife's dresses lately....



Thanks to Jason from the Axegrinder blog for the first time submission. I can't help but wish I had come up with the tagline "God's Favorite Smart-Aleck" before he did....

Keep 'em coming. And keep it down so I can hear God's voice, would you?!?

If you aren't sure....STAY THE &$*# OUT!!!

submitted by Tom Bryant, FL. Originally posted on Tom's Blog. Used with permission.
Also, you have to know the secret handshake.

Thanks to Tom at View from Osprey for the permission. Very seldom do I request a sign I see that's posted elsewhere. I usually wait for them to be submitted. This one is Crummy with a capital "C", though.

Tom is much nicer than I. He blurs the church's name out. I probably shoulda been doing that from the start....

Keep 'em coming.

"Run for your lives: Jesus is coming!"

submitted AND reviewed by Katherine Blaisdell, Orange, CA
Oh gosh! And He's manifested his holiness as Godzilla!

"God loves hymns! We sing hymns!"
submitted by Brad Wright
God must have been very disappointed for all those years in between His Son and the writing of most of those hymns that He loves. "Dark Ages", indeed.

"God hates haters."
submitted by Justin Rocha, Topeka, KS
No, God loves haters, but hates the hating.

Or something like that....

"God always wins at hide and seek."
submitted by Justin Rocha, Topeka, KS
Well, the Big Cheater peeks after all.....

"Want peace? Stop trying and start trusting."
submitted by David Jacks, TX
I think I get the idea, but "stop trying" can be taken so many wrong ways. Perhaps a different turn of phrase is more appropriate.

Keep 'em coming.

Everything from this post on down is now categorized on the website, including new entries into the Hall of Shame and the Trophy Room.

This sign would be great...accept it isn't.

submitted by Maurice Landes
Possible beginnings for this sign:
"Everything sucks...."
"You will perish from all forms of salvation...."
"We can't spell any words correctly..."
"Our church sign would guarantee our spot in hell..."

Others? Post in the comments section, SVP.

---------------------------------------------------------------

"The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide"
submitted AND reviewed by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Yeah, then the stupid tide takes out your finely crafted sand castle before your Mom can see it. I have deep-seated issues with the tide.

"Life is hard. Jesus is the answer."
submitted by Kelly Quinn, TX
Great, but that first sentence wasn't a question.

"Grace happens."
submitted by Eric (Eric's website)
So....grace and %$^* are interchangeable?

"After a week like yours, you need a church like ours."
submitted by Eric
Like "ours"? I know what they mean, but it sounds like they make the church what it is.

And my week was pretty good...is "their" church going to bring me down to a reasonable level or something?

"In order to understand God, you must stand under God."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Too bad for elephant proctologists that the same thing applies in their profession.



That last one was juvenile, sorry. Completely unacceptable.

The Map of Crumminess has been updated at the website.

Keep the signs coming here.


PS: I have to vent that at my house I have the following internet options: Dial-Up for $14.95 a month, guaranteed to throw you off at least 4 times per web session. I hate NetZero with a fiery passion. It took me 3 sessions just to write this &*^%& post.
My other option is Cable from ComCrap, at somewhere north of $50 a month.

Nothing in between those two speeds and prices. I swear Smyrna, TN is technologically somewhere in the late 80's to mid 90's. The worst part? My in-laws (also in Smyrna) have BLAZING fast DSL (faster than the cable at my school) for $24.95 a month. Just not available in "my end of town" (a 25,000 person metropolis, mind you).

We're moving to Nashville next year, and I can't freakin' wait.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.......

New Disclaimer

Just working on an update to the website, and wanted to point out a new feature.

With the enormous increase in traffic in the last couple of weeks (long-time readers: you wouldn't believe it if I told you...) , I have felt an increasing responsibility to explain the raison d'etre for Crummy Church Signs.

Click here to read the brand new Disclaimer. I hope long-timers and noobs alike will take a look.

The Map of Crumminess will be updated Tuesday morning also.

Thanks.