West Bank Story?

submitted, reviewed, and post title by f.c. Bruce Bezaire
Perhaps it's "The King and I"?

For their encore, they could perform "I Don't Know How To Love Him"
------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Aaron Lee
You mean it's not Tony Danza?!?
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"Too many people get married for better or worse but not for good."
submitted AND reviewed by Rev. Bill Beatty
Sigh...

So, divorced people, don't come to church here...
------------------------------------------------

CCS will be going on Thanksgiving break for the rest of the week. Joy from NC recently sent me a big batch of crumminess, but it will have to kick off next week. Also by next week I hope to have pictures of the new Casa Crummy to share with you all! Yep, that's right: On top of signing dozens upon dozens of books and shipping them to all corners of the world (India, Iceland, Canada, and 20+ states), we moved this weekend. It's been...busy. Pics to follow....

In the meantime, I hope that if you have received your copies of the book you will post a little blurb in the comments section of this post to let the readers and me know what you think of it!

Have a great Thanksgiving. I know I have a lot to be thankful for!
----------------------------------------------

By the way, click the picture below to find out what it's all about:


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Who's your real Humor-blogs.com?

Keep 'em coming.

Not tonight, honey...

submitted by frequent contributor Jerry Webber
Judging from the title of this newspaper that's not what these people did....

Props to Jerry for the post title as well.

EDIT: Indie points out in the comments section that, basically, I'm an idiot. She said it much nicer than that, but it's true. Apparently I needed to read the article closer...
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submitted by frequent contributor Jerry Webber
But that church down the road......(shudders)
----------------------------------------------------

"Children are like wet cement, what ever falls on them makes an impression"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries

...so put caution tape around them until dry THEN walk all over them.
---------------------------------------------------

THE BOOKS HAVE SHIPPED. If you ordered a CCS book, look for it to arrive shortly. With the holiday week this week, it might be a bit longer than normal, but they are all out the door and on their way in time for the holiday season (as promised!). If things don't look right with the order (quantities, etc.), please let me know via email.

EDIT: Rev. Kenney's books have arrived! Look for yours soon!

Notice I'll keep a running tab at the top of the sidebar regarding the amount of money raised for Compassion. I believe I'll be able to increase that total once I finalize my shipping costs, etc. Thanks everyone!

If you order a book now, I can't promise it in time for the holidays. There's a good chance you'll get it before then, but my printer is a little backed up now and they're not guaranteeing anything.

----------------------------------------------------

Humor-blogs.com can be a safe place for you.

Keep 'em coming

"Posterior" Would Have Been Better

submitted by new contributor Complain Away
What if I'm in a wheelchair? Thanks for asking.
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submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
How does one become an official "Prophecy Expert"? Is it like baseball, where batting .300 will get you into the Hall of Fame? Or is it more like a field goal kicker where closer to 80% is expected?
Wouldn't it be better to be an expert in Scripture or theology or something? Then you could prophecy based on your expertise.
To me, "Prophecy Expert" sounds a lot like "Fortune Teller".
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"Have breakfast with God- Start your day off right!"
submitted AND reviewed by increasingly frequent contributor Chris
The kid in me likes the frosted side, but the adult likes the omnipotence!
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“Calvinism is heresy! It will be welcome here when pigs fly.”
submitted by frequent contributor Tracy Roach
...and when those pigs fly, it will be of their own free will!!

That sign killed me. Great & hilarious stuff. Thanks, Tracy!
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"Never look down on anyone unless you are giving them a helping hand up."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara
Yes as long as you're giving the homeless man a sandwich, its okay to call him a lazy bum.
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Well, it's official. The post office hates me. Boxes with 70 envelopes filled with books all going different places tends to put them in a bad mood. I just hope they don't decide to go all....well....postal.
Anyhow, books are shipping out of here at alarming rates, and if you ordered one you should expect yours soon!

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Humor-blogs.com is heresy!

Keep 'em coming.

The Laying On Of Hands:

submitted by new contributor John Fletcher
Is this the answer to the question "What can we get our pastor for Christmas?"


To be fair, John says this church is in a strip mall with other businesses. But still...
---------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Lincoln
Going up....4th floor....women's clothing, bathroom accessories, and avoidance of eternal damnation.....
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"Have you watched your DVD?"
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
Have you any idea how confusing your sign is?
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"A note from Jesus. Went to visit my father. Back soon."
submitted by new contributor Rob Corso
NOW he tells us, some 2000 years later....

What's that you say?

Oh...
--------------------------------------------

The books have arrived!! I will be sending them out in waves this week, so if you ordered one (or ten...) yours will ship out by the weekend! Keep your eyes peeled for yours sometime shortly after Thanksgiving, in all likelihood.

--------------------------------------------

Have you watched your humor-blogs.com?

Keep 'em coming.

Guest Reviewer: Emily, the Not Crummy Sister

Things are crazy around Casa Crummy right now. I'm busy addressing envelopes, in preparation for sending out the books once they arrive (any day now...). They've all been addressed, and are just ready for signed books to be placed in them, which should speed things up once they get here.

You might recall last week that I mentioned the place we were going to move into burned...well we were able to transfer our earnest money to a different property, so now it's looking like we might be able to move in this weekend! Don't let the jaded snark I post on here daily fool you: the truth is God really is good and faithful and provides for His children. Some might call it lucky, I call it blessed, but I really don't deserve all the breaks I catch.

All this to say there's sadly no time for a Tuesday guest post at The Snark...and barely any time to post any crumminess here.
So, today's reviews are courtesy of my sister Emily. She's the heir apparent to this whole operation here at CCS, and you can see why with this batch of reviews (all signs submitted by her):

"Forgive your enemies- it messes with their heads"
"I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy times seven. That'll totally freak them out!" -Matthew 18:22

" 'Friends' don't let 'friends' die without 'Christ' "
'Thanks'.

"Hell is easy to find- it lies at the end of a Christless life."
You mean 'Christ'? That guy?

"People Die. God Lives."
If Sylvia Plath and Billy Graham made a church sign...


Thanks, Emily! That last review is one of my favorites....ever. I might have to stop the presses on my book and include it.

(Kidding, everyone).

'Friends' don't let 'friends' die without 'humor-blogs.com'.

Keep 'em coming.

Who me? Yes you. Couldn't be! Then Who?

submitted by frequent contributor Jenny Sowers
"Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's Oreos, nor thy neighbor's Chips Ahoy, nor his Milanos, nor his 'Nilla Wafers, nor his Fig Newtons..."

What's that? Fig Newtons are OK to covet?

Oh.....
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"You can't have a well-fed church by serving fast food."
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y.
Next thing you know, they're going to tell me that I can't use my fingers to eat the Lord's Supper anymore...
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"So you aren't being fed? Pick up your fork. - God"
submitted by Scott Wallace
Sigh.
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A very food-themed post today.

"Yum".

The books didn't arrive this weekend, but should show up any day. I'll sign 'em and get 'em out the door as quickly as I can, for those of you waiting on your copy (copies). Thanks for your patience!

Humor-blogs.com stole the cookies from the cookie jar.

Keep 'em coming.


PS: This is where I was last night. Historic Ryman Auditorium in Nashville, TN. Can anyone guess who this is just by the picture (WITHOUT looking at the name of the .jpg file?):

Good times!
----------------------------------------

Order Update

The books have shipped from the printer and should arrive shortly at Casa Crummy. I will sign them and ship them out as quickly as I can after receiving them. I'm hosting an envelope/box stuffing party at my place, I'll try and remember to post pictures.

Thanks for your patience, and thanks to everyone who ordered one.


Have a great weekend!

It's why Electric Christians are so much better.

submitted by UberSchatz
Take, for example, how this sign falls "flat".
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"Correction does much, but encouragement does more."
submitted by new contributor Liana
...but we're still for maximum-term jail sentences.
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“If Jesus could get his ass to church on Sunday, so can you.”
submitted by new contributor Christie O'Brien
I'm gonna go ahead and guess that Jesus actually got his ass to church on Saturdays...
----------------------------------------------

Humor-blogs needs frequent tuning-into.

Keep 'em coming.

A Pictureless Wednesday and Book Sale Update

There's plenty of submissions to go through, but no pictures this time. Here we go:

“Heaven is no trick… Hell is no treat.”
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Jack Magruder
And there will be Thanksgiving on my end now that we’re past Halloween and don’t have to see this every time I drive by.
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"Jesus wouldn't use Powerpoint and a rock band."
submitted by new contributor Jack Magruder
"Verily I say unto thee...

(ahem)....verily I say unto thee....

...NEXT SLIDE, Andrew!!"
---------------------------------------------

"What's black and white and red all over? You, in His Word, covered by His blood!"
submitted by new contributor Jack Magruder
If you're also green, it just means you threw up all over yourself when you read this sign.
----------------------------------------------

Thanks to Jack, who was saving these signs up to start a website of his own. Once he found CCS, he just sent them my way.

I have recently received a lot of submissions of signs that I have already reviewed. Just a reminder (per the disclaimer in the sidebar) that I don't have time to respond to every submission, so please don't be discouraged if I didn't use your sign. Thanks.

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And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: An update on my book sales.


Yesterday was the final day for preorders at the special pricing. The books are being printed and should ship by the end of this week (if not sooner). Again, expect your purchase to arrive by mid-month. The final tally for the two week pre-order time frame is:

110 books sold!!

Thanks to everyone, and once I tabulate expenses and everything this should give US the opportunity to donate somewhere in the neighborhood of $250 dollars to Compassion. Way to go everyone!!

Diesel will have to weigh in on this for sure, but I think this number places me firmly in the top two for book sales at humor-blogs.com.

Of course, this isn't over. You can still order my book for the extremely reasonable price of $12.99 plus $3.00 shipping. All proceeds will still be donated to Compassion.

I want to publicly thank Diesel again for setting up the order process at humor-blogs and helping me with every facet of making this publication happen. Thanks, man!!
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Keep 'em coming.

LAST DAY!

Today is the last day to purchase my book at the discounted price of $10.99 with free shipping. After today, the price will go up to $12.99 plus shipping. Remember, all proceeds get donated to Compassion.

No guest post for me at the Snark. I'm fighting a respiratory illness, and I'm also not in the mood to be very snarky after the place we put a down payment on 18 months ago and were already supposed to be living in caught fire last night, so who knows when we will finally stop living with my inlaws over an hour away from our jobs and church.

Sigh.


Keep 'em coming.

To boldly go where dozens of churches have gone before...

seen here on Flickr. Submitted by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic
Illogical, captain.
-------------------------------------------------

submitted by new contributor Tim Brown
He's our profit, priest, and king.


(Here's a little primer on where that joke came from for those that don't get it)
--------------------------------------------

"God is crafting you for eternity."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn
I hope he isn't using macrame on me. I hate macrame.
--------------------------------------------

"God wants a bride, not just a one night stand."
submitted by new contributors Joanie and/or Bill
If anyone present sees reason why this sign should not be properly ridiculed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
---------------------------------------------

ONE DAY LEFT to order the book at a special discounted rate. Only $10.99 with free shipping!! The books are being printed and will be sent to me shortly, after which time I will autograph them and send them on to those of you that bought one. Expect yours in the middle of the month sometime!
Remember, all proceeds go to Compassion. I'll give an update on Wednesday on how many books have been sold and what that means for the Compassion donation.

It was a busy weekend for submissions, so stay tuned this week....
----------------------------------------

Humor-blogs.com wants a one night stand, not a bride.

Keep 'em coming.

Grace? Huh? What?!?

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
But probably, it'll just seem like an eternity while you're doing it...
----------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by April Sellers.
"This sign is an abomination" - God.


I think I've reviewed this sign before (in fact...I know I have). I just like April's review a lot, so I included it again.
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I need your help! I'm a finalist in a caption contest...but this time it's not Diesel's, it's Dorky Dad's contest to find a tagline for his blog. There's a $20 prize for the best one, which I need to help offset the fact that I'm donating all the money from my book sales to Compassion.

What?!? You haven't heard about my book sales and that I'm donating all the money to Compassion? Well, the special reduced-price-with-free-shipping offer ends on Tuesday, so better purchase one soon!!


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Don't make humor-blogs.com come down there...

Keep 'em coming.

"Free Beer"

seen on Flickr. Directed by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic.
Doesn't this sign sort of sum up this whole website and idea? My guess (and one of the reasons I started this 3 years ago) is that the saying on a church sign almost never influences church attendance. Usually crazy things like members actually going out and inviting people, or the church having a reputation as a place where positive things are happening, those are the things that cause increased attendance. Maybe if the sign advertised a message on a topic that lots of people wanted to hear about it would increase attendance, but how many pithy slogans or witty puns have actually caused people to want to visit? My guess is not very many.

This sign is the new Official Crummy Church Sign of Crummy Church Signs Dot Com. And, yes, it's probably unwitting on their part.

-----------------------------------------------


Remember to pre-order my book! The printer will start the order this weekend based on how many pre-orders I have. I'll order a few extras for you last minute shoppers, of course, but on Tuesday the price goes up and shipping will be charged!! Right now it's only $10.99 with free shipping! If you've ordered one, look for yours to arrive in a couple of weeks.

-------------------------------------------------

What could humor-blogs say to get you there right now?

Keep 'em coming.

Why I autumn....

submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van Horne
...and you'll get sent to the Rake of Fire.
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submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van Horne
He's just fuzzy.
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“None live so pleasantly as those who walk by faith.”

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain

Um, yeah… That’s what Hebrews 11 is all about: the pleasant lives of those who live by faith.
-----------------------------------------------

"Be a firefighter. Put out slander."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
"Put out" as in "distribute; emit; produce"?

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Have you bought my book yet? The special prices last until next Tuesday (Nov. 6). Only $10.99 with free shipping!


I will be placing my order for books this week based on the number of sales I have so far (plus estimating a few extras for those of you waiting until the last minute)...it should take about a week to get them in, then I will sign them and send them out. If you have ordered yours, you should expect it by mid-November, in plenty of time for the holiday season.

Thanks for all the orders so far!! Once the special pricing is over next week, I'll give everyone an update on sales and how much loot we all raised for Compassion.

-----------------------------------------------

Your fall begins when you leaf humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Return of the Crummy Letters.

While my guest posts at the Snark have continued unabated, it's been quite a while since the traditional "Crummy Letter". Well, they're back, baby!! Be sure to check out today's.

More crumminess tomorrow!

Keep 'em coming.

Well, you're off to a great start.

submitted by frequent contributor Jerry Webber
...than to have people love God because they actually were saved.

Oh, and welcome to our church.
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submitted by new contributor Louie G.
If the Spirit's the ready one, why is He leaving the choice up to me?!?
--------------------------------------------

"For every sin, Satan has an excuse"
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Caroline Morrow
...so be sure to ask him for suggestions.
---------------------------------------------


8 more days are left in the pre-ordering period for my book. Have you bought your copy yet? Only $10.99 with free shipping!!

---------------------------------------------

I've got more crumminess to fill the week, so stay tuned!

Humor-blogs.com is ready, but the flesh is weak...

Keep 'em coming.

...and "The Most Confusing Sign Ever" Award Goes To:

submitted by Richard Steffy, PA
...and Lions Club members leave their shoes off. And everyone knows that the Shriners don't go to church.


Does anybody have any idea what they were trying to say with this sign? Seriously, leave a comment because neither Richard nor I have a clue.
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"Eternal life insurance: You are the soul beneficiary."
submitted by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn
Jesus' premium was a b**ch, though.
---------------------------------------------------


Like signs and review like these? Then you'll love my new book. There's still a week and a half left on the pre-order special of only $10.99 per book with free shipping. Take advantage now, and do your Christmas shopping early!
---------------------------------------------

By the way, I was kidding about the Shriners earlier. It's the Freemasons that don't go to church.




edit: (...still joking...)
---------------------------------------------

Optimists put their shoes on when humor-blogs.com says "finally".

Keep 'em coming.

So is a whip.

submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen
...especially sin.
----------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen
"But Daddy, I don't want to die!!"

Also...what does that make an unhappy family?
--------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen
Was somebody really disagreeing with this statement beforehand?
-------------------------------------------

“What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Jamie
...or it leaves you in a coma.
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"Fortunes told here...by God."
submitted by new contributor Jamilah Lemieux
"Doesn't look too good for you, my child."


(Too bad it wasn't Moses instead...he could use his "Pharoah Cards" *rim shot*)
-------------------------------------------

Micah tells me that Messiah Lutheran church (from the above pictures, plus many entries in the archives) can look forward to receiving a signed copy of my book this holiday season (in which they also take a starring role). That Micah...always in the giving spirit!


Speaking of my book...are you in the giving spirit? Remember that all proceeds are donated to Compassion, and the preorder period ends Nov. 6. Buy it right now for only $10.99 with free shipping, and buy one for your friends, too! Remember, if you don't "do" PayPal, email me and we'll work something out.

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Even a small humor-blogs.com shines in the darkness.

Keep 'em coming.

Pratice Makes Prefect.

submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
You might want to "pratice" your spelling while you're at it.
---------------------------------------------------------

Sign says "Morning praise will make your days."
submitted by new contributor UberSchatz
Normally when a picture is messed up, I either try and fix it to make it look right or I just don't use it. However, I had to include this one because of UberSchatz's explanation for the quality of the sign. Also, I had to use it because it was from somebody named "UberSchatz":

"Sign found in Harrisburg, Arkansas. This picture had to be taken under the cloak of darkness since Harrisburg is the Meth-Addled, Jesus-Freak, Homo-Hillbilly Capital of the entire ****ing world and doing so in broad daylight would've earned me tarring and a feathering. "

Tell us how you really feel, bro. Don't hold it in.

(And for the record, my review would have been "...and evening praise means you probably missed your favorite TV shows.")
---------------------------------------------------

"Though the teeth may be false, let the tongue be found true."
submitted by new contributor UberSchatz
Those old people and their dentures. So prone to lying and falsehoods!
-----------------------------------------------------

Frequent contributor Nickie Albert tossed this article my way as well...and it contains a pretty crummy sign, in our opinion. You have to read the whole thing for the crumminess of the sign to take full hold of you. The sign in question reads, "Their hands are in His hands." Read the article and see for yourself what it means....

Once again, just because something is true doesn't mean it belongs on a sign.

-----------------------------------------------------


Book sales are going swell! If you haven't ordered yours yet, what are you waiting for?!? Make sure you take full advantage of the introductory offer of $10.99 with free shipping (good on orders through Nov. 6). Remember that all author's and distributor's proceeds are donated to Compassion.

Order now!

(remember if you don't do PayPal, email me and we'll work something out!)

Thanks so much to everyone who participated in the book release yesterday with emails, MySpace bulletins, blog posts, and the like. The response has been nice, and I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes over the next couple of weeks. Don't let it lose momentum! Keep talking it up at every chance you get!!

----------------------------------------------------

Though the teeth be false, may humor-blogs.com be found true.

Keep 'em coming.

Crummy Church Signs Release Party!!

WOOHOO! I wrote a book!

Click the picture to purchase your copy today!

(Well...I and the dozens upon dozens of folks who regularly contribute around here wrote a book!)

Releasing today is the second book from humor-blogs.com, my very own Crummy Church Signs Volume 1 (2004 - 2007).

Consider this a "Best of..." (or "Worst Of...", as the case may be) of the last 3 years and 700+ signs here at CCS. All properly categorized and snarked upon for your pleasure, there are also some hidden surprises (such as new reviews of some classic signs, a "Best of the Guests", featuring the top contributor-submitted reviews, the return of the Map of Crumminess and more!) This 178-page paperback coffee-table book is sure to be a conversation starter to anyone not familiar with the website.

If you're reading this post, you're likely familiar with the body of work and already know if you're interested in the book or not. If this is your first visit, take a dive into the archives on the sidebar to the right, and have some fun.

Here's a cool thing: For a limited time the book is only $10.99 with FREE shipping, and I will autograph it for you! This offer is only available until Nov. 6 at the Humor-Blogs.com store**. After that, the price will go up to the regular price of $12.99 PLUS shipping (and no signature... :( ). Make sure you order your copies in the next couple of weeks to take advantage of the huge savings.

Here's the best part: With all the psychological damage that these crummy signs have inflicted upon the world, it's time for them to start doing some good. That is why I am donating 100% of my proceeds from the sale of this book to Compassion, a Christian advocacy group for underprivileged kids in third world countries. My wife and I sponsor a Compassion child currently, and I will use the money generated from the sale of this book to further Compassion's work overseas. So not only will you bust a gut laughing at the crumminess and the scathing wit, you know that a large percentage of your money went to a good cause. (FYI: Humor-blogs.com has graciously offered to donate its share of the sales to Compassion as well. The only entity taking a "cut" of the sale is the printer).

So, take care of all of your Christmas shopping today! Order everyone on your list a book, and you can let them know that the purchase also helped out kids in need. Everybody wins!

For my longtime readers at CCS, one other request: My book's page on Lulu.com is desperately seeking positive reviews. Please note that you DO NOT want to purchase the book from there...it's $12.99 PLUS shipping from them. To get the special deal, order from the humor-blogs store. But I would love to have a high review on Lulu so I could maybe get some sales from there too, from people who don't know the wonders of Humor-Blogs.com. So please go write a positive review over there! You need a username and password and the like, but it only takes a few seconds....please?!?

A HUGE thanks to Diesel, our guru over at Humor-Blogs for encouraging me to write the thing and setting up the whole order system at humor-blogs and putting up with my constant pestering and advice-seeking. Also for proofreading it. He's a decent guy, that Diesel.

Thanks for being a part of the release party by attending! Pick up an hors d'oeuvre on your way out, and be sure to visit some of these other fine locations hosting their own release party:

Diesel at Mattress Police
Central Snark
Micah at Mad Sanity
Rev. Kenney at Reason For The Hope
Humor-blogs.com
Ironic Catholic
It's Trivial
Miss Kitty at Educated and Poor
Lar at The Big Salad
Emily's MySpace
Ryan and Nancy

If you would like to host a release party on your blog today, post your URL in the comments section and I'll add you to the above list!

**The humor-blogs.com store requires Paypal. If you are really against PayPal as a form of payment, email me and we'll try and work something out.