"Lighthouses blow no horn. They only shine."

submitted by Rev. Hendrix, Atmore, Alabama
Crummy church signs shine no light. They only blow.

Sometimes this is just too easy.

"Jesus or Satan: Who are you following?"

submitted and assistant reviewed by Jhall
This week only: Vote for your favorite review! Send you vote to joelbezaire@yahoo.com
Okay, here's the review:

It must be Satan, because Jesus...
a) ...would use his turn signal.
b) ...wouldn't drive a minivan.
c) ...wouldn't have that "W" sticker on His car.

Okay, thanks for the recent deluge of church signs, guys. Jhall, Emily and Jenn are on the ball, joining Rev. Hendrix in the Frequent Contributor club. Thanks to first time contributor Jonathan. Read on......

"Sinners Anonymous meets here every Sunday at 10:30"
submitted by JHall
Well, when they reach Step Nine, they better $&^!% well apologize to me for this sign.

"God called: it's time for you to come home."
submitted by JHall
Okay, if God (being God, after all), can't bother to look up my cell number or find me in person or something, I don't think I am going to pay to much attention to any message he leaves on my machine or with a roommate....or with a completely strange church.

"How Do You Know God?"
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Do you think they really meant to put the "How" on this sign? Seems confusing....and odd....and off-putting.

"Your Words are a Window To Your Heart."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Wait, I thought my eyes were the window to my soul? Or are both true? I'm confused....

"God is the only right thing in a wrong world."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
A sign that is sure to draw in the disillusioned and heartbroken!

"Come on in...we have prayer conditioning!"
submitted and reviewed by Jonathan Powell, Huntsville, AL
I swear I have reviewed this one before, but for the life of me, I can't find it in the archives OR remember my review. So here goes a new one, courtesy of Jonathan:
Prayer. Like air. Funny. Ha ha.

Couldn'ta said it any better myself :)

Keep 'em coming, and remember to vote for your favorite review above.

"Be thankful for small blessings"

submitted and reviewed by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
...because, when you think about it, we really don't have any big blessings to be thankful for.

"You can avoid Jesus now, but you can't avoid hell later."
And this church can't avoid putting ridiculous signs up week after week. This church is on the way to my parents' house, and its like a never-ending parade of inane Christianese pseudo-theology. Complete rubbish, in other words.
And, by the way: can we really avoid Jesus now? Where's the Holy Spirit in all that?

And Rev. Hendrix is quickly becoming the most regular and enthusiastic contributor. Thanks. Everyone else, get on the ball and send in some more church signs :)

"A Mighty Fortress Is Our God. 9/11 and Storms Withstanding."

submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL

First of all, my prayers with the populations of Louisiana, Mississippi (My former home state) and Alabama. Please give generously to the Red Cross.

Second, let's forgo my traditional wise-&#&$ review and do a deeper analysis of this sign, seen by Rev. Hendrix in Mobile, AL (an area hit rather hard by Katrina itself).

The non-believing public, who must be searching for answers because of the tragedy of Katrina, would read this sign and interpret it two ways:

1) God has all things under his control, except for some things which slip through the cracks. He just missed 9/11 and Katrina. Whoops, His bad! Non believers who are already scarred by this event and read this sign will see a God that is untrustworthy, and why should we bother with an untrustworthy God?

OR...

2) Non-believers could read this sign to mean that even though the Gulf Coast was ravaged and decimated by Katrina, God and His physical kingdom are just fine, thankyouverymuch. While this is a defensible position from a biblical point of view, it is an incomplete one as well, and searching non-believers desperately need the rest of the story.

God is grieving the loss of life even more than we are. What a shame that the fall created a world where these tragedies can happen. So rather than shoving it in people's faces that God and his kingdom may not be physically damaged by the storm, or backhandedly implying that God "...just missed this one!", why not offer hope to those who need it? Why not offer them the hope and love they are searching for, and then tell them WHY we have that hope and love to offer?

I watched the concert for the Red Cross tonight, and was astounded at the number of songs that had gospel/Christian meanings or overtones. U2, Alicia Keys, Shirley Ceaser, Mariah Carey, Kanye West, Rod Stewart (and the awesome group that backed him) , and others I am forgetting all offered songs of inspiration and hope, most of them from a Christian perspective.

In this instance, we should be following the example of Hollywood and the music industry. (Man, I never thought I would be saying that). Rather than offer platitudes on our church marquees, can we not just offer them the love they need? Wouldn't more people be reached?

Sorry for the rant, I promise the next batch of reviews will be back to my old, wry self.

Comments welcome.

"What man ties up his hounds at night while his boys runs wild?"

submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
Uh.....well, Uncle Jesse, for one.

"The best exercise is to reach down and pull someone up."
submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
Or, if you want to work your "tri's", you could reach up and pull someone down.