We let them post on our church signs, of course!

"What do we do with idiots and weirdos"
submitted/post title by frequent contributor Miss Kitty
...because the church has got to find a better alternative than just sticking them all on TBN.

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"Voting is like choosing your favorite mosquito out of a swarm."
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
...without the risk of West Nile virus.

Democracy in action!

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"Wii...?"
submitted by Bibberly
Try Craigslist. They have everything.

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"Pimpslap Religion"
photographic evidence seen here on Flickr
submitted by f.c. Ironic Catholic
Instead of kissing the pope's ring, you kiss a jewel-encrusted cane.

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"Preaching on our porch. O Lord what a morning!"
submitted by frequent contributor Sarah R.
Attendance was down, so they rented out their sanctuary to a rummage sale and held their service on the porch.

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"FDIC: Fully Depending on Christ"
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y.
...but only for up to $100,000 per soul.

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"The bank of heaven will never fail!"
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y.
However, Heaven's law firm is in serious trouble due to a lack of personnel...

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I'll bet that He's pulling a 4.0, too:

"Jesus is taught here."
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor MJ
All of His classmates think He's a bit of a know-it-all...

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"Horse sense comes from a stable mind"
submitted by frequent contributor MJ
And this sign comes from whatever's on the floor of that same stable...

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"The good news is: God will always be No. 1"
submitted by frequent contributor MJ
The bad news: You're Number 2. And we all know what "Number 2" is....

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"My my my"
submitted by frequent contributor MJ
Why, why why?

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"Forcast rain but Christ reigns everyday."
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor MJ
Notice the bright, blue sky behind the sign that "forcasts" rain.

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"He is close. "Jesus" is very close."
submitted by Jessica
Originally posted on Quotation-Marks

Or is He?!?!?!

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So I'm sitting at home today popping pain relievers and with an ice-pack firmly affixed to my noggin. I took a baseball off the temple in practice yesterday, and am not good for too much but sitting and typing. Hopefully these snarks make sense and are not too influenced by the massive amount of pain relievers tearing through my veins.

I'll be fine, though. The ER was impressed by my overall hard-headedness. Regular readers won't be surprised...

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Among The More Distinguished Signs of the Apocalypse:

"The end is coming, gray hair and wrinkles prove it."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Steve
So Just For Men and Botox delay the second coming?

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"Mens hearts are like dirty diapers, they need changing."
submitted by frequent contributor Steve
If they think men's hearts are dirty, wait'll they get a load of our minds...

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"A home without Jesus is a real 'haunted house' "
submitted by Maureen
Though truth be told, it probably has a lot better candy on Halloween.

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"Walk with Jesus its cheaper than gas."
submitted by Jonathan J.
Come all ye who are weak and heavy-laden, and I will give you fantastic discounts on all your transportation needs...

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"One big fat nothing"
submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty
Yup.

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If anyone's in Nashville this weekend, my sister is showing her artwork at artclectic 2008. Visit the website for hours/directions/etc. Come visit!

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Surgeries Available - Register Inside!

"Male by birth - men by choice"
submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown
Body by Jake.


(The name of this church combined with the message on the sign makes me giggle incessantly. Maybe it should say "Male by birth. 12-year old boys by choice.")

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"Close out the world for just a moment."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown
Reboot, then double-click on the world to start over.

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"Fireproof tickets here"
submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown
Nah...I'll just use my regular tickets and wear my asbestos coat.

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"We are one body in Christ regardless of size or age."
submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown
Color, however, is an entirely different matter...

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"401 not OK. Peace in Christ more than OK."
submitted by Jennie K.
Well, as long as Christ takes me outta here before I hit 65, it'll be fine....

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"Jesus for President"
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Minh N.
Whoever this "Jesús" guy is, I'll bet he's a lot softer on illegal immigration.

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A friend of mine (and former student!) wrote an excellent blog post.

My brother-in-law stumbled on this excellent post as well.

Good reading, both. Check them out.

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And your little dog, too....

"I love my church because it's sort of like the Wizard of Oz - It's about having a heart and a brain. And courage!"
submitted by William S.
In addition, during every service the parishioners start thinking to themselves "There's no place like home..."

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"Hang out with Jesus. He hung out for you."
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Had Jesus' crucifixion taken place in France in the 1700's, this sign would read: "Lose your mind for Jesus, He lost His head for you!"

In other words: Completely tasteless.

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"Forgive and foreclose."
submitted by frequent contributor S.K. Sutton
This church learned the hard way not to agree to adjustable-rate tithing.

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"Jesus is an investment that never loses interest."
submitted by frequent contributor Suzannah P.
Check that: I'm pretty sure He lost interest in this sign pretty quickly.


Suzannah does a great job deconstructing this sign on her blog. Go check it out.

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Many, many folks sent in a funny church sign exchange that is supposedly a true "story". Rather than posting the whole mess here, I'll link to it. Check it out, it's pretty good stuff.

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DEpressed is more like it:

"God is not impressed by human ability"
submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty
He still thinks it's soooo cool when a seal balances a ball on its nose, though...

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"Nothing to wonderful for the Lord"
submitted by frequent contributor BRWombat
"The devil loves it when we are to busy for church"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Chris H.
The devil also loves it when we are to busy for English class, two!

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"If you don't like the way the cookie crumbles try the bread of life"
submitted by new contributor Norma K.
Ask any kid, and they'll tell you: Bread is not an acceptable substitute for cookies.

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"The old message was up for a long time"
"Hope in the interim you got a fresh one from God's word"
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
What a novel idea...looking for messages from God's Word instead of church signs.

Crazy talk...what will they think of next?

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submitted by frequent contributor Andrew B.
If we're insistent on making really bad internet puns...isn't Jesus more like our PayPal?

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"All you need is love.
Love is all you need."
submitted by frequent contributor Sarah R.
Next week's sermon: "Hey Jude"

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"You'll never soar like an eagle living like a turkey"
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi

You will, however, taste much better with stuffing and cranberries.

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"Have you heard the one about the jerk?"
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi
No...but the new phonebooks are here! The new phonebooks are here!!

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