Your honor...we blame Jesus!

submitted/post title by new contributor Ken Thomas
King Arthur: "Look, if he was confused, he wouldn't have bothered to post 'Ummm...' he'd just say it."
Sir Galahad: "Maybe he was dictating"
King Arthur: "Oh shut up."
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submitted by new contributor BB The Clown
More importantly, you should choose your enemies this way.


Random note #1: How about the name of that church!

Random note #2: This is the first church sign submitted by a clown.
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"Trade your pieces for God's peace"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire

The more pressing concern here is why God is collecting toupees and/or guns....
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Humor-blogs.com is the reason for...well, ummm.....for all humor.

Keep 'em coming.

Spending Christmas With Friends

Merry Christmas, everyone. Today I'm over at The Snark with a special Christmas post. Well...sorta.

Hope it's a great one for everybody.

"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.."

Keep 'em coming.

Simply having a wonderful Christmas time.

submitted/post title/reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Scott Gordon
Hey Jude, don't make it bad...this is bad enough already.
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Scott Gordon
No worries. I read the Cliff Notes.
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"At Christmas time, all roads lead to home."
submitted by frequent contributor Jamie E.
Except for that one that goes over the river and through the woods.
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"Advent who?"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara, OH
And all the little Whos down in Whoville said "amen!"
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Merry Christmas, everyone! Neva has graciously allowed me to do tomorrow's Christmas post over at The Snark, so be sure to visit! I'll be back later in the week with more crumminess!
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At Christmas time, all roads lead to humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Awfully big of you.

submitted by frequent contributor Indie Davis, TN
After this one, it wouldn't surprise me if he started asking someone else.
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown
Blessed are the sneezemakers, for they shall they receive crummy signage.
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown
"He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake..."

"...He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!"
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown
We'll be in touch if you qualify. Possibly.
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"It's hard to baptize cats. Sunday 10:45, Wednesday 7:00"
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B
Forget baptism. Have you ever tried to explain transubstantiation to one?!?
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Make sure you cast your vote in the Huey-pocalypse. The fate of at least a handful of people rests in your hands!

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Humor-blogs.com reads your mind.

Keep 'em coming.

I guess it's better than "Loving Off" people.

submitted AND reviewed by Julie Sesnovich
I don't want Isaiah "loving on" me unless he buys me dinner first.
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VA
"Temptation bangs forever"?!?

Temptation is hard to ignore when reviewing this sign, that's for sure.

At any rate, temptation must get those same spam emails that I've been getting lately to be able to bang forever like that.
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"God is. Any questions?"
submitted by frequent contributor Rachel H.
I can't help but wonder if these new translations of the Bible are leaving some things out...
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"Experience the Magic!"
submitted by Jennifer Nelson, MN
Is this a church, a Broadway musical, or a Disney theme park?
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Duane has sent in a bunch more signs that I'll get to tomorrow. There's some great stuff, so be sure to stay tuned.

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Humor-blogs.com is. Any questions?

Keep 'em coming.

This is a lie!

submitted by frequent contributor Chris J.
Wow...God really has nothing useful to say, does He?
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submitted by frequent contributor Chandler Carriker
Referencing a Bible verse about believing isn't really going to convince someone who doesn't believe yet.

That would be like someone showing me some kid's letter to Santa Claus to prove that he exists.

If someone believes (like I do), then it's by faith. Don't threaten people with Bible verses they already don't believe.
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"No matter how hard we try, there is still Christ in Christmas."
submitted by new contributor Denise R.
Well now...that's an interesting tactic for a church to take.
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I'm once again a finalist in the Mattress Police caption contest. And I'm getting pantsed. Go vote!!

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This is a sign from humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Half Off At the Snark!

I'm guest posting again today at Central Snark. Go check out today's Crummy Letter addressed to coupons.

More crumminess tomorrow.

Keep 'em coming.

Wheel of Misfortune

submitted by Katherine Trexler
And with only four blanks, apparently there's no Christmas this year.
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submitted by Katherine Trexler
For an extra charge, they can line your relatives up along the driving course so you can get visiting with them out of the way, too.
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submitted by new contributor Brad AKA Wombat
I can't imagine how it's "alredy" done. The box said 25 minutes at 450° .

Brad says they managed to spell "alredy" correctly on the other side. I guess if you're not sure, just cover all your bases.
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"Remember this Dec: Love weighs more than gold!"
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch
So does lead. Can I just shoot everybody instead?
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"Christmas is the heart that receives Jesus' gift."
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch
Sure it doesn't make any sense whatsoever, but how many church signs get the possessive form of "Jesus" correct?
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A big THANK YOU to everyone who has purchased a copy of my book. To keep myself accountable, I wanted to post a picture of what is getting sent out in the mail today:

That money is all thanks to you, the ones who bought my book. Way to go!!

That's actually a little more profit than I made on the sale of books so far (I underestimated shipping charges a bit...), but I received so many multiple-copy orders that I was able to recoup some of what I lost on shipping with those orders. Also, orders have picked up again recently (at the regular price and PLUS shipping...and, amazingly, without my nagging), so I feel pretty strongly that I'll make this much and more when all is said and done. And as promised, every dime of my profit will be donated to Compassion. Want to give yourself a great Christmas gift? Sponsor a child yourself.

You're too late if you want a book in time for Christmas, but if you order now you might be able to spend the new year with your own copy of my book!

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To close out, I want to thank Xan for his comments on Friday's post. Though we may disagree on the point in question (and we do, in fact, greatly disagree), I appreciate the good humor he showed in taking his ribbing and dishing some out as well. I also appreciate the fact that he clearly knew what he was talking about and wasn't just making stuff up. Xan, I do sincerely hope you'll return frequently and enjoy yourself despite our differing opinions. Also, I promise: No more flag cracks. For at least the whole rest of this year!

Humor-blogs.com is the heart that receives Diesel's gift.

Keep 'em coming.

The New Casa Crummy!

As promised, here's a few pictures of our new digs. There's no color or artwork on the walls yet since we just moved in, but you get the idea.

The crummy bedroom (and our enormous freakin' cat sticking out from behind the bed).

The crummy view off of our back porch. It looks out over Historic Germantown in the metro Nashville area.

The crummy downstairs (which is 2nd floor of the building).

The crummy living room/den.

The crummy kitchen, where my wife makes very non-crummy meals. (Don't worry, we own a fridge, it just hadn't been delivered yet).

The crummy view from our living room (2nd floor) and bedroom (3rd floor). That's downtown Nashville.

And that same crummy view at night (crummy picture taken on a cell phone. The night view ROCKS, you'll have to trust me.)

Jenn and I are very thankful for our new place. We were 45 minutes away from everything we did (work, church, friends, Preds games...). Now we're 10 minutes from work, 5 minutes from church, 5 minutes from the arena, and our friends are very close also. We love being city folk!

More crumminess Monday. Have a nice weekend.

And if I can't see the dull side either?

submitted/post title by frequent contributor Ryan Geer
And for a limited time, we have new Jesus Brand (©) Dull Side Polish available for only $29.99 at this location only!!
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ryan Geer
This must be the sequel to The Incredibles starring Jack-Jack.
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submitted by frequent contributor Ryan Geer
You will, however, still be able to find it in stockings hung by the chimney with care.
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"Jesus saves...passes to Moses...He shoots! He scores!"
submitted by new contributor JKelly, MN
Some churches should have to spend time in the penalty box.
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"Heaven is a lot like Dixie...only better"
submitted by Melissa in Alabama
True. There are none of these in heaven.
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Humor-blogs.com is a lot like Dixie. Only better.

Keep 'em coming.

...or the person reading this sign.

submitted/post title by Jennifer Nelson
During Palm Sunday the sign says, "If you're not worshipful, you must be a jackass".
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submitted by Cindy Tucker
...preferably in the middle of the sermon.

What makes it even better is what's next to the church sign:


As Cindy said on her Flickr page: "Say whatever... just say it loud and proud."

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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
"Dear Heavenly Father. My toilet is clogged. I was wondering how I should go about fixing it..."
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"Heavenly Insurance. Inquire Inside."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Allen's Brain
In the unfortunate case that you ever end up in heaven, we have you covered.
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"Christmas is more than getting new underwear and eating candy out of a big sock"
submitted and by Allen's Brain

No wonder they're grumpy about Christmas...when they were a kid, their gifts sucked.
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Humor-blogs.com is not a 4 letter word. It has 13. And a hyphen. And a dot. Say it loud and proud.

Keep 'em coming.

I returned it for one that fit me better:

submitted by frequent contributor Chandler Carriker
Good thing I peeked early....poor little guy couldn't breathe.
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"If you love God, Yule love his Son."
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Jordan W.
Nothing says "Jesus" like pagan traditions and bad puns.
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"Miracles don't just happen on 34th street. They happen right here on Main Street."
Apparently their cable guy showed up on time.
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While we're in the holiday mood with this post, new friend of CCS Jackie Williams Bennett sends in this interesting Chanukah anecdote ...

Also in case you weren't aware, take this warning: Reading Crummy Church Signs has been known to cause vomiting and nightmares. Read further at your own risk.
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If you love this blog, Yule love humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Snark: Season Two!

I have resumed my writing duties over at The Snark, so be sure to check out today's entry! At least somebody is doing some writing out there!

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Also, check out this letter I received last week from new friend of CCS Darcy Plymire:

I don't have a new church sign to share with you, but looking at your list of most-often submitted signs, I could not help but remember the first time I saw such a sign. It was April or May of 1969 and my family had just moved to the little town of Linville, NC. It was our first time living in the South, and we were completely unaccustomed to southern ways. So, imagine our delight when we came across a roadside church sign, in the little hamlet of Foscoe, NC, (a place that does not show up on maps but rests along NC 105 between Boone and Linville). The message was simple, and quite familiar, now. Yup, you guessed it, "What's missing in CH_____CH? UR."

I am writing not just to share that nostalgic moment but to suggest that an cultural history of church signs might be interesting. Has anyone else shared with you early memories of such signs? I would love to know where and when the tradition began. I am guessing it originated in the South, because my first memories are of the sign in Foscoe. However, I could also construct a persuasive hypothesis that he signs derived from a more generalized rural culture, spanning north and south as well as west. For anyone who has lived in Southern California, for instance, there is something vaguely "Hollywood" about the practice, immersed, as it is in grass roots promotional culture.

So, readers, what do you say? Do we have it in us to share our first/earliest Crummy Church Sign stories. Perhaps with our combined efforts we can triangulate exactly where and when this phenomenon started.

Feel free to post your responses in the comments below, or send me an email.

More crumminess tomorrow!

It's All About Tha Tribe of Benjamin...

submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van Horne
Honestly...there are no commercial considerations in the holiday whatsoever.

Really.

We mean it.
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submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van Horne
Except for you...I'm not going to tell you. I'm going to make you guess.
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"Swallowing pride won't cause indigestion."
submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire
It might give you a nasty case of Dianetics, though...
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"Save face. Keep the lower half shut."
submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire
Save the rest of us and cover up the upper half, too.
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Emily reports that the last two messages were on opposite sides of the same sign. So you're supposed to keep your mouth shut but swallow something while doing that. Nice advice!

Speaking of Emily, anyone else disappointed that one of our top reviewers just submitted signs without captions? That's what I thought. C'mon sis. The blogosphere is counting on you. Save it from the machinations of your older brother!
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Swallowing humor-blogs.com won't cause indigestion.

Keep 'em coming.

So that MySpace in Heaven is secured:

submitted by new contributor Clayton Mauritzen
Yes, but I'm just there for the dating scene.
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"Gas is high. Faith fill-ups are free."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch
Faith might move mountains, but it doesn't seem to work on my car.
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"Holiday musical December 15"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch
You're a church! Couldn't you at least call it Christmas?!?
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"Are you challenging the ordinary? Live the extraordinary!"
submitted by Anna Gravier
I challenged the ordinary.

It won.
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Thanks for everyone who responded to yesterday's request for advice regarding the Atheist website. One of the things that I like about CCS (and, quite frankly, one of the only reasons I keep it going) is that it turns into a neat confluence of people with vastly differing viewpoints, all sharing a laugh over the same silliness. I don't think I should "turn off" any of those constituencies simply in the quest to pursue more readers. In other words: Just like I don't ever want Atheists to feel that they can't honestly share their viewpoints in this forum, I don't ever want my Christian readers to feel marginalized either. Robert (aka Bethany's dad) made this most excellent point via email:

"It seems to me that one of your goals is to get Christians to look at themselves as others sometimes see us or, to put it differently, to be a little more thoughtful in the way we present ourselves to the world. That you have fun doing it is a great bonus. If you're like me you started with the fun and then realized it was deeper later. That doesn't matter. The point is that if you're preaching at all, you're preaching to Christians, some of whom won't like that your blog is tweaking other Christians. That's the nature of blogs and I'm sure you get some email whining about that. By joining the atheist feed you would be giving the Christians who are pre-disposed to not like you another reason to ... dis-count you even more quickly."

Bruce (aka my dad) also made an excellent point in yesterday's comments section, as did friend of CCS Ironic Catholic. Others also made excellent points leaning the other way, both via email and in yesterday's comments section.

My decision to not pursue that end any further basically boils down to this: I want everyone to feel comfortable coming over here to share a laugh and maybe even share in some spirited (pun intended) discussion. Though a Christian myself, most of my negatively-slanted emails and comments come from other Christians (shocker, I know). Therefore I want to do everything in my power to make them feel welcome as well.

The only aggregated feed necessary at this point in time is the humor-blogs.com one. It's a neutral playing field, and people can come over here from humor-blogs and jump to their own wild conclusions about where I'm coming from... and I'm perfectly OK with that.

Whatever the case, please know that if you're reading this I'm glad you found your way over here no matter what flavor you are. We may disagree about big important matters, we may disagree about nit-picky little things, we may agree on everything....whatever. I'm glad you're here, I hope you feel welcome and I hope you'll come back, whether it's for the laughs or for something else entirely.

Thanks for everyone who commented about it. It's nice to know that a diverse collection of snarks and smart-asses can thoughtfully dialogue about some deeper issues.

I promise I won't let it happen again.
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Have a nice weekend,

Keep 'em coming.

I feel a Praise Chorus coming on...

submitted by new contributor Rebekah Hammett
Psalm 118: 24. "This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and not ^&%$ it up."

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submitted by frequent contributor Brett McNew
Am I supposed to call that number to say my angry words? Are they just trying to prove that they can never be unsaid by recording our conversation?
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"Give thanks always. Order Christmas cookies now!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara, OH
I know I always feel more thankful after a Thin Mint.
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"Happiness is knowing what happiness is."
submitted by new contributor Carolyn Bomgaars
I know: Let's just get a huge freaking inflatable Charlie Brown and stand it up next to our church sign.
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Sorry for the no-show yesterday. On top of teaching 12 and 13 year olds and being a best selling author, I am also pursuing a Master's degree and I am facing some intense deadlines coming up here soon. The day off really helped, and I should be good to go from here on out.

Oh, and I totally love this: Check out what the 31st ranked blog by Atheists is. You got it! Yours truly! A blog written by a committed (albeit admittedly snarky) Christian who has no bones about admitting his Christianity and the fact that this blog exists to allow people to see a rare and different side of Christianity...that blog is a moderately high-ranked Atheist's blog.

Gosh, I love the internet.

In fact, these people have been bugging me to join their aggregated feed (a la the Humor-blogs.com one). What do the CCS loyals say? Should I pursue that end as a way of subversively promoting the site (and, in a backhanded way, Christianity)?!? What say ye? (Please comment below, readers....)

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Happiness is knowing what humor-blogs.com is

Keep 'em coming.

Lost in Translation?

submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries, Chennai, INDIA
You should also be humble in veal. I think.

Nancy says that it originally said "be strong and humble and woe will heal", and it changed to this the next day. Perhaps it was a sign vandal, but one thinks they would have changed it back immediately rather than leave it up for a while:


I wonder which definition of "weal" they were referencing.

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submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries, Chennai, INDIA
Direct quote from the Bible...not bad. Except that I originally thought they were claiming they will wait until Christ returns. The context is actually God speaking to Gideon, though. Still not a bad sentiment, but perhaps misleading because of the lack of context.
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"Prayer for 250 members who never come, never give"
submitted by frequent contributor Beth P.
I can't imagine why they would all want to stay away...
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Be strong in woe and humble in humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Don't make me call Vinny....

seen here on Flickr. Directed and asst. reviewed by Ironic Catholic.
At last, the plot to the long-rumored Sopranos movie is revealed.
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seen here on Flickr. Directed by Ironic Catholic.
Only if He promises to take the top bunk.

And only if He knows what a tie on the doorknob means.
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"Beat the Christmas rush. Stop in now!"
submitted by frequent contributor Stefanie Spruill
If I drive past this church at 4:30 on a Tuesday morning, do you think they still mean it?
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I know I promised a weekend post with pics of the new Casa Crummy...but it rained all weekend, so I'll try and do it some time this week.

In the meantime, check out the all new Humor-blogs.com. Diesel has made some great changes, there are a lot more sites in the aggregated feed, plus now you can browse your favorite humor sites by category. Check it out!
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Keep 'em coming.