Merry Christmas, Everyone!

submitted by Adam Vogel, Oklahoma
The kind of person whose sole reason for existence is to clean up poop?

"Don't major in minor things"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
...like reviewing church signs?

"God sent his son to earth. Where is He sending you?"
At the time, He was sending me to the gas station to fill up. Thanks for asking!


Merry Christmas to everyone! Try to remember those who are less fortunate this holiday season. Please keep sending in the signs!

"Adult Christmas Pageant, Sunday at 6:00"

"Adult" as an adjective has taken new meaning in 21st century America. Let's not use it to describe our Christmas pageants, no matter what we mean by it.

"As my apprentice, you're never fired. - God"

submitted AND reviewed by JHall
Unless, of course, your name happens to be Lucifer.

(By the way, funniest ever user-submitted review, JHall. Usually I just rewrite, rework, or completely ignore whatever reviews get sent in, because I want the tone of voice consistent throughout the blog. But I wasn't touching that one. HILARIOUS!)

"Jesus is a major part of Christmas."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Do tell! In the same way that Lincoln and Washington are major parts of President's Day?

"Come Sunday and hear about Joseph and the ultimate desparate housewife."
submitted by Miriam Redmond, Murfreesboro, TN
Man, Eva Longoria really is everywhere these days. I swear I think they cloned her.

"Two hours clean-up labor in exchange for one Sunday church attendance here."
submitted by Steve Spearman, Georgia
Steve reports that this was seen after a bad tornado in the Georgia area. So, WWJD? Use bribery, apparently.

Now that I think about it, Jesus really could have helped his ministry in this way. Imagine how many disciples he could have had if he had made all those blind or leprous beggars DO something for their healings. You want to see again, Barnabas? Take that sack of food from poor Andrew over there and follow us. Lame guy, you want your left leg back? Take this sack of laundry over to that pool and get busy scrubbing. Instead, all Jesus does is give stuff away freely, instead of making those poor saps earn their keep. They did absolutely nothing at all to earn His favor! Almost like he was trying to tell us something, show us some bigger lesson to be learned...............

....................nah, couldn't be.

Keep 'em coming.

PS: Thanks to Miriam, first contributor from my home church other than my family :)

"When you run out of sick days and call in dead, who will answer?"

submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called...and they're outta YOU!

PS: If you didn't get that one, watch more Seinfeld.


"Pessimists need a kick in the can'ts"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And church sign writers need a kick in the....

By the way, has this church read the Bible? Those prophets tended to some pessimism from time to time. I think there's a place and a time for some pessimism, you know? Appropriately, of course.

Anyhow...


"Egotism is obesity of the head."
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Do they have another sign that says "Gluttony is obesity of the butt"? Let's make a church sign for every sin, just in case we don't "convict" everyone who drives by. "Lust is obesity of the....." OK... never mind.


"O Come All Ye Faithful...and Not So Faithful."
submitted by Jenn Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And completely unfaithful. You come too. Bring the spinach dip.


"Come Worship At the Side Door: Contemporary. Casual. Cool."
submitted by theKeez, Richmond, VA
YES! The 3 most important things!! All in one place!!

(Also, anyone care to bet that they only really achieve the second of those three adjectives? I've got a twenty on it.)


"SEASONS CHANGE
GOD DOESN'T
WELCOME"
submitted by supernet, Mt. Eaton, Ohio
A little punctuation goes a loooooong ways, folks.


"Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives."
submitted by David Jacks, East Texas
So, welcome to our church, those of you who haven't looked at your Bible in a while. We are completely superior to you in every way. Would you like a bulletin?


"Got Jesus?"
submitted and assisted reveiwed by Allison, Greeneville, SC
What, was the Taco Bell dog not available? Yo quiero Jèsus! I wonder when Christianity will catch up to the mainstream and only be....I dunno.....only 5 years behind every current trend, rather than the current 10 to 15.

Better yet, why doesn't Christianity suck it up and actually try and get AHEAD of the trends. We claim to be tapped in to the most creative being EVER, so perhaps we can use that to our advantage, rather than pathetically aping every lame trend that Hollywood and Madison Ave. throw at us. I can't even walk into a "Christian" bookstore any longer without throwing up in my mouth just a little bit. Every ridiculous t-shirt, bumper sticker, self-help book (grrr...), and newly released CD that copies 1994's favorite secular band makes me wish a little harder for the Lord's return...if only to save us from ourselves.


Thanks to my family, who came through in the clutch on this batch of submissions with 4 big ones! Unfortunately, it appears that the Nashville area is turning into a breeding ground of CRAP when it comes to church signs. Thanks to everyone else who submitted as well.

KEEP 'EM COMING

"Jesus: The OTHER Reason for the Season."

submitted by David Jacks, East Texas
I think they attempted some sarcasm here. I think it didn't work.

(Note to all church sign writers: Sarcasm is very hard to convey in writing. Check out this example:

"Boy, that church sign doesn't suck!"

I obviously mean that the above church sign does, in fact, suck. If you could have heard how I dictated the sentence in my head, you would have known that. However, it is very hard to convey tone of voice in writing, especially on such a limited medium as the church sign. Please stop trying.)


"Jesus is coming back soon. Look busy!"
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com

Okay, so:

a) We are going to trick Jesus into thinking we have been doing good works all this time. Because He hasn't been paying attention?

and

b) Those good works will have some input into my eternal salvation. As opposed to say, I don't know......grace, or something.

That's what I get from this sign. Anybody else?

"Jesus pain is your gain."
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com
Wow, cool. Maybe Jesus can get a Gatorade endorsement.

"When you doubt."
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com
Is this like one of those "progressive dinners", except on church signs? Did I miss the first half of this sentence on a church a few blocks away? Or should I continue looking for the last half?

Thanks to the new contributors. Keep 'em coming.

Best Church Sign Ever!

Visit This Link.

Just a little church sign humor for the Thanksgiving season.

Found via my friends at Church Marketing Sucks

Enjoy. :)

"What Would Jesus say to Britney Spears?"

submitted by Elizabeth Stewart and Jona & Tish from Decatur, GA
You mean besides "Please get your tubes tied."? Not sure. But he is probably telling you and I to pay more attention to the things he is telling you and I and less attention to what he is saying to overhyped celebrities.

"Eight words that can change your life."
submitted by Jeff Keezel
Actually, that's only 7. And honestly, they really didn't do that much for me.

"Our God is a consuming fire."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Okay, normally I am OK with Scripture on a church sign. But can we get some context for the unchurched, PLEASE?!?! Pyro from the X-Men is a consuming fire as well...does that mean I should worship him too, or what?

"Fresh as water or dried up and dusty."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Who is? Or what is? And what about salt water? What is this sign talking about? My head hurts.

"Hungry? Try one of our Sundays!"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Niiiice play on words. Clever. *rolls eyes*

By the way, what if some legitimately hungry people do show up on Sunday? Do you think they have enough food around to feed them? "Oh....we were just sort of... joking around. Sorry." Great witness, guys.

"3-0! Go Dores!"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
This is in reference to Vanderbilt University's 3-0 start to this year's football season. Is it divine retribution on this sign that they are now 4-6? What a waste of space on a sign. "Boy I wish I knew what time this church held their services.....but it's nice to know that they're Vandy fans."

"Parking for church business only. Violators will be baptized."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Yep. Our religion and form of worship is so bad we use it as a threat to keep people away from our building. Works like a charm.

Idiots.




By the way, I have had a few requests recently for a list of good church signs. Sorry, everyone....so much garbage to review, so little time.....


Thanks to the new readers who submitted signs this time, and thanks again to my regular submitters, less and less of whom are my immediate family members.

Keep sending them in. 400+ visitors a week to the site! I should get a bunch more crummy submissions! Remember to read the archives for more great reviews.

"Even Jesus was into body piercing!!"

submitted AND reviewed by Dale Gehris, Springfield, MO
I'm sure people stop in all the time and say, "Hey! I just saw that clever little saying on your church sign. So I thought, 'You guys are contemporaryand relevant! You certainly speak my language!' So here I am! I figured I'd stop in on my way home from work and find out how to be saved. Oh, by the way, does this look infected to you?"

"Addicted to pornography? Join us Sunday morning at 10:30!"
submitted by Dale Gehris, Springfield, MO
See the baptismal tank used like you've never seen it used before!! The youth/college/singles groups probably showed up in record numbers this week!

PS: They are probably talking about Porn Sunday, a very worthwhile program put together by the good folds at www.xxxchurch.com But they should really be more specific on their church sign. Check them out if you haven't heard of them.

"God couldn't be everywhere, so He created mothers"
submitted by Kelly Quinn, East Texas
I picture this saying paired with a little cartoony drawing of God with a grey beard and a toga, kicking back in a lawn chair with a strawberry daiquiri while the almighty Mother takes care of all of earth's problems. Bah! Take this $&#% off of our church signs and put it on a $0.99 "Shoebox Greetings" card where it belongs.

I'M BACK! (...and look at the crap I'm bringin' with me!)

submitted by Jeff Keezel
This crummy church sign proudly brought to you by A Completely Different Religion Other Than Christianity.

"Come use our newly decorated bathrooms"
submitted by Jane Kelly, Cincinatti, Ohio
I wonder if they would be so excited if you decided to take them up on their offer at 1:15 on a Thursday afternoon.

"We are looking for a gifted keyboardist"
submitted by Jane Kelly, Cincinatti, Ohio
....because our current one sucks??

"Don't make me come down there : God"
submitted by Matt Henry, Kenosha, Wisconsin
And CERTAINLY don't make me send my Holy Spirit.......wait.........

"It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark"
submitted AND reviewed by Steve Jolly
This warning must "flood" the church with visitors every Sunday.

"Why be Catholic?"
submitted by Murphtronic
Murphtronic says he saw this sign on a Catholic church sign. Ya know, if they can't think of a good reason, then I sure as heck can't either.

"Need a new look? Get your faith lifted here!"
submitted by Tim Grasham
I can't believe I haven't reviewed this one yet, but a quick scan of the Archives (please read for many other reviews!) says that I haven't. Huh. Wonders never cease.
There are enough shallow and insecure people out there to actually think that a little faith might help them look better. Let's not encourage that, hmmm?

"You have problems. Jesus is the answer. Meet Him here on Sunday."
submitted AND reviewed by Official Church Sign Deputy, the Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
All day? Will there be coffee? Is he signing his new book? Does he take credit cards? If I miss him, is that the only place I can meet him?


Sorry for the delay in posting, everyone. Though I must admit, it's nice to have fans :) I will try to be more punctual from now on. Thanks for the support, and keep 'em coming!!!

"Lighthouses blow no horn. They only shine."

submitted by Rev. Hendrix, Atmore, Alabama
Crummy church signs shine no light. They only blow.

Sometimes this is just too easy.

"Jesus or Satan: Who are you following?"

submitted and assistant reviewed by Jhall
This week only: Vote for your favorite review! Send you vote to joelbezaire@yahoo.com
Okay, here's the review:

It must be Satan, because Jesus...
a) ...would use his turn signal.
b) ...wouldn't drive a minivan.
c) ...wouldn't have that "W" sticker on His car.

Okay, thanks for the recent deluge of church signs, guys. Jhall, Emily and Jenn are on the ball, joining Rev. Hendrix in the Frequent Contributor club. Thanks to first time contributor Jonathan. Read on......

"Sinners Anonymous meets here every Sunday at 10:30"
submitted by JHall
Well, when they reach Step Nine, they better $&^!% well apologize to me for this sign.

"God called: it's time for you to come home."
submitted by JHall
Okay, if God (being God, after all), can't bother to look up my cell number or find me in person or something, I don't think I am going to pay to much attention to any message he leaves on my machine or with a roommate....or with a completely strange church.

"How Do You Know God?"
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Do you think they really meant to put the "How" on this sign? Seems confusing....and odd....and off-putting.

"Your Words are a Window To Your Heart."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Wait, I thought my eyes were the window to my soul? Or are both true? I'm confused....

"God is the only right thing in a wrong world."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
A sign that is sure to draw in the disillusioned and heartbroken!

"Come on in...we have prayer conditioning!"
submitted and reviewed by Jonathan Powell, Huntsville, AL
I swear I have reviewed this one before, but for the life of me, I can't find it in the archives OR remember my review. So here goes a new one, courtesy of Jonathan:
Prayer. Like air. Funny. Ha ha.

Couldn'ta said it any better myself :)

Keep 'em coming, and remember to vote for your favorite review above.

"Be thankful for small blessings"

submitted and reviewed by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
...because, when you think about it, we really don't have any big blessings to be thankful for.

"You can avoid Jesus now, but you can't avoid hell later."
And this church can't avoid putting ridiculous signs up week after week. This church is on the way to my parents' house, and its like a never-ending parade of inane Christianese pseudo-theology. Complete rubbish, in other words.
And, by the way: can we really avoid Jesus now? Where's the Holy Spirit in all that?

And Rev. Hendrix is quickly becoming the most regular and enthusiastic contributor. Thanks. Everyone else, get on the ball and send in some more church signs :)

"A Mighty Fortress Is Our God. 9/11 and Storms Withstanding."

submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL

First of all, my prayers with the populations of Louisiana, Mississippi (My former home state) and Alabama. Please give generously to the Red Cross.

Second, let's forgo my traditional wise-&#&$ review and do a deeper analysis of this sign, seen by Rev. Hendrix in Mobile, AL (an area hit rather hard by Katrina itself).

The non-believing public, who must be searching for answers because of the tragedy of Katrina, would read this sign and interpret it two ways:

1) God has all things under his control, except for some things which slip through the cracks. He just missed 9/11 and Katrina. Whoops, His bad! Non believers who are already scarred by this event and read this sign will see a God that is untrustworthy, and why should we bother with an untrustworthy God?

OR...

2) Non-believers could read this sign to mean that even though the Gulf Coast was ravaged and decimated by Katrina, God and His physical kingdom are just fine, thankyouverymuch. While this is a defensible position from a biblical point of view, it is an incomplete one as well, and searching non-believers desperately need the rest of the story.

God is grieving the loss of life even more than we are. What a shame that the fall created a world where these tragedies can happen. So rather than shoving it in people's faces that God and his kingdom may not be physically damaged by the storm, or backhandedly implying that God "...just missed this one!", why not offer hope to those who need it? Why not offer them the hope and love they are searching for, and then tell them WHY we have that hope and love to offer?

I watched the concert for the Red Cross tonight, and was astounded at the number of songs that had gospel/Christian meanings or overtones. U2, Alicia Keys, Shirley Ceaser, Mariah Carey, Kanye West, Rod Stewart (and the awesome group that backed him) , and others I am forgetting all offered songs of inspiration and hope, most of them from a Christian perspective.

In this instance, we should be following the example of Hollywood and the music industry. (Man, I never thought I would be saying that). Rather than offer platitudes on our church marquees, can we not just offer them the love they need? Wouldn't more people be reached?

Sorry for the rant, I promise the next batch of reviews will be back to my old, wry self.

Comments welcome.

"What man ties up his hounds at night while his boys runs wild?"

submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
Uh.....well, Uncle Jesse, for one.

"The best exercise is to reach down and pull someone up."
submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
Or, if you want to work your "tri's", you could reach up and pull someone down.

"There are no Athiests in hell."

submitted and reviewed by Anonymous
So if I choose Athiesm, I miss hell? That's a new one!

"The wishbone does not take the place of the backbone."
submitted by Jhall
And if I were Sampson, I would take a jawbone to this sign.

"Staying in bed shouting, 'Oh God' does not constitute going to church."
submitted and reviewed by Jhall
Neither does nodding off in the pews while someone yells at you about the people laying in bed.

Also, is anyone else kinda creeped out by the last sign? I mean...what are they talking about?

Keep 'em coming by emailing me here

"Wanted: Imperfect People"

Found: Imperfect Sign.

"Git-R-Dun Fer God"
submitted and reveiwed by Dawn Cole
Oh well, at least they spelled "God" right. (Watch out for the spit cups in the pew-backs in front of you.)

"Don't let the sun keep you from the son."
submitted by Sarah Mitchell, Chatham, VA
This has got to be the tenth sign I have reviewed that tries to be cute with "sun" and "son". And none of them are funny.

"A pleasant expression increases your face value"
submitted by Jennie Sowers
I am guessing the expression on my face when I read this sign didn't increase my face value, then.

"An unused Bible is worthless. A well-worn Bible is priceless."
submitted by Jennie Sowers
Read Hebrews 4:12. How worthless is that unused Bible again?

"I'm Everybodys Homey - God"

submitted by Jason Nelson, Florida
First, don't they mean "homie"? And second......(unintelligible gagging sound).


"Stop, drop, and roll doesn't work in hell"
submitted by multiple sources in multiple places
"Honey, this Sunday, let's try out that church down the road that made the joke about being eternally charred in the fiery home of Satan."

Yeah, I don't think so either.

Oh, and I got that last sign reported to me from 3 distinct sources in 3 different parts of the USA in the last week and a half, so apparently this particular sign is currently "in vogue". Listen carefully, pastors and sign planners everywhere: STOP IT!


"Casual Worship this summer"
Yeah, this summer we'll worship, we just won't take it very seriously.

Hey, I know what they mean, but don't you think some passers-by took it this way? We need be careful of every message we send.

Keep 'em coming. Thanks.

"When life seems hopeless, it isn't!"

Tah Dah! It just.....isn't!!

"Don't let life get you down; even Moses started out as a basket case."
submitted and reviewed by Christina Bondoris, Hamburg, PA
Sure to confuse Christians, psychologists, and basket weavers alike.

"Fear knocked. Faith answered. No one was there."
Yeah, no one was there, alright. I drove past this church at least a dozen times while this sign was up and didn't see a single vehicle. Perhaps the inane spew on the sign was keeping them away?

"Want to forget your problems? Try wearing tight shoes."
Overheard at the crucifixion: "Look on the bright side, Jesus. At least you're not wearing tight shoes."

"Life is like tennis. Serve well and everything will be good."
Submitted by the Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
And church signs like these are like golf. I would like to put a hole in one.

"Whose child are you?"
Submitted by the Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
With divorce, separation, child abandonment, etc. being so prevalent, Rev. Hendrix and I agree that this sign might cause more damage than it does cause real introspection.

"Life is a cinch by the inch, but hard by the yard."

submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN

Actually, I much prefer metric. Is life neater by the meter?

Plus, this sign is a lie. Life can be a #$%!*& by the inch sometimes. That's why its "life".

Unfortunately, Slim loves the kids also.......

Yes folks, your weekly tithes are going to pay for face paint, red afros, and size 37 shoes. Awesome.

Thanks to Noelle Klassen from Canada for the photo.

I'm popular?

Wow, ever since Church Marketing Sucks put a little blurb up, this little old blog has become quite a popular spot. By that, I mean more than just my friends and me are reading it. Not only that, but some of you newbies are even more jaded and sarcastic than I am! Makes my job easier when a lot of you write the reviews for me.....

"ASAP: Always Say A Prayer"
submitted by Derek Harms
Okay, here goes: "Dear God, please kill my boss. I also want a lot of money....now, please. And You really need to take that whole "coveting" thing out of the commandments. Amen.
Is that prayer OK?

"Strive for nothing and you will succeed"
submitted AND reviewed by Karen Hall
I wish it could be true.

"Everyone has the right to be stupid; some people abuse the privelege."
submitted AND reviewed by JHall
Oh, and by the way, Jesus loves you.

"Don't let yourself get burned by the Son this summer"
submitted AND reviewed by JHall
I can't imagine what someone was thinking when they put this threat up on behalf of Jesus. And I'm glad I can't.

Thanks, everyone!!

The Best One Ever??

First off, thanks to the fine folks at Church Marketing Sucks for the nice shout out today. Hope all the new readers that get directed over here have a good time.

Second, how about this amazing example of a church sign:

"God bless our troops overseas. Sign vandals are the scum of the earth."
Hee hee! Must be a very loving place.

One at a time from now on...

Since I have imported all of the "old" reviews, I will now post the church signs as I receive them.
Keep them coming!!

"All saints have a past. All sinners have a future."
...and this summer, only one man can stop them.

Doesn't this one sound like it belongs on a movie poster?

Part III: Another BIG Bunch of signs!

Hi, folks, and sorry it has been so long. My real job is being a teacher and baseball coach, so sometimes things get hectic, especially around the spring time. Anyhow, thanks to EVERYONE who submitted signs (look through this batch for yours) and commented on the ones already posted. I have a huge collection to post this time, so take some time and enjoy. As usual, keep the crummy church signs coming , and remember it's all in good fun!!

PS: I had a number of emails & comments requesting a list of GOOD church signs. Rest assured, as soon as I find one, I will post it here.

ONWARD....

“Don’t get depressed, come get blessed!”
submitted by Jason Quave, MS
I love rhymes!! I mean it!! Anybody want a peanut?

“It’s a new year, do something new: go to church”
submitted by Shae Cottar, Houston, TX
A new tack: Let’s insult possible future parishioners, and shame them into coming to church. That really prepares their heart for the Spirit to work.

“Jesus should be your steering wheel, not your spare tire.”
submitted by Shae Cottar, Houston, TX
…because a 12 Pack of Budweiser provides enough of a spare tire.

“Spending a lot of time kneeling leaves you in good standing.”
Submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
So people who lay tile flooring should be in really good shape.

“Salvation: apply within”
Is it like limited to the first 250 applicants? Do I get a free T-shirt just for signing up? What if my credit isn’t strong enough?

“Home: the strength of a nation”
Yep, home. As opposed to God.

“Jesus is the remedy for empty signs, seats, and souls”
Empty signs? Jesus is the cause of empty signs as far as I’m concerned. How can you even equate that with “empty souls”?


“Backsliding is the biblical term for the summer slump”
How many people really have heard the term summer slump? I have spent most of my life in the church and I am not that familiar with it. Do you really think the rest of America driving past this church’s sign is familiar with it?

“We set the sail. God makes the wind.”
…and we get absolutely freaking nowhere. You want to travel? GOD sets the sail. GOD makes the wind. Much better results.

“Let God teach you how to fly.”
Like on that movie? With the geese? And the girl who played Rogue in X-Men? And the glider shaped like the geese? And the guy from Dumb and Dumber? Or not…..

“Hurry is the death of prayer.”
Yes, it seems the Holy Spirit is incapable of answering your prayers when they are said hurriedly.

“God loves you whether you like it or not.”
Submitted by Jennifer and Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
So is this a threat? Do you DARE me to not like it?!?!

“Where death finds you, eternity will keep you”
Submitted by Jennifer and Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
No. This is wrong. If you are a Christian and die in sin, you will still go to heaven. This is because you are saved by grace, not by works. Read the Bible. The whole thing.

“Go to church or the devil will get you.”
Submitted by Meagan Redmond, Murfreesboro, TN
Also seen on a Satanic Church Sign: “Go to the child sacrifice or God will get you.”

“Faith in yourself has won many a race….never quit trying.”
Yes, folks, the cornerstone of the universal church, as established by God Himself, since time eternal: “Faith in Yourself”.

“The devil can’t win because God is in control”
Submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
How about this: The devil can’t win because God is God. If the devil could win, God wouldn’t be God.

“Road Rage: How would Jesus Drive?”
On a donkey.

“Eternity: It’s not just a cologne, it’s a choice.”
Submitted by Scott Dowling, Nashville, TN
Yes, apparently now you can choose whether or not you want your eternal soul to actually be eternal!! You want thirty days? You got thirty days. Three years? You got ‘em. Determine the length of time you spend in heaven/hell, because eternity is now an option!

“The King’s alive and His name ain’t Elvis!”
submitted by Shae Cottar, Houston, TX
Wow. Not only a horrible pop culture reference, but crummy grammar also.

“The dyslexic atheist believes there is no Dog.”
Submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And the dyslexic church sign reviewer says this sign is a big “lipe of parc.”

“The most powerful position in on your knees.
must……..restrain……..myself……

“Loose tongues get in tight spaces.”
…..still…..restraining…….myself…….

“Yabba dabba doo….God loves you.”
WIIILLLLMAAAA!!!!

“Laughter is a form of internal jogging”
sign submitted by Ana Chandler, Mandeville, LA
…and I just bet this church’s sign provides all sorts of unintentional opportunites for internal jogging.

“Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons, come try one!”
submitted by Wendy Reed, location unknown
Yes, folks, our pastor is so bad we have to ridicule him for all to see.

“Life is a one way street and we aren’t coming back”
I think the author of this sign made it up as he went along. “Life is….hmmm…a one way street….yeah, yeah….and….uh…..we’re not coming back….and……it’s a long trip…..and……..uh…….Jesus is our pilot……..oh, shoot, out of letters.

"Is your spiritual backpack full of worries?"
No, actually, because when I was on my spiritual mountain bike I remembered to fill my spiritual canteen with living water. What's the deal with asking a question on a church sign and then not providing an answer? What if someone answered "yes" to that? What does that get them?

When you die you'll meet Father God, not Mother Earth.
Submitted by Scott Wright, Ohio
This gives credence to the fact that there might BE a Mother Earth; we just don't get to meet her. (There's not)

"Anger is a stones throw at a wasps nest"
Submitted by Tony Loper, Mississippi
Tony says it best: "I had to drive past it three or four times just to figure out what it said." What does this mess mean anyhow? Do the wasps get angry? Or what?

"Bringing Christ to Tucson, whatever it takes"
Submitted by Ann Gentry, Arizona
Whatever it takes?? REALLY? Do you think they MEAN that?

"3 Nails + 1 Savior = 4 giveness"
Submitted by Gabe Wardell, Maryland
When Gabe sent this to me, his subject heading was "Bad Math." I laughed hard. Lets see if we can build a better equation: 3 nails plus 1 savior plus 1 empty tomb plus 3 parts of the Godhead plus 2 natures of Christ plus...

Our Web Site: WWW.FaithChurch.Comeonin
Submitted by Bart McLaughlin, Michigan
Bart says he had to drive past it a number of times just to figure out what the stupid thing said. These signs that require numerous drive-by's have to stop, or I may have to execute a “drive by” of my own.

"Be an organ donor...give your heart to Jesus"
Submitted by Jason Quave, Mississippi
"Laugh with me," says Jason. Indeed.

"Forbidden fruits make the worst jams"
Submitted by Pam Churchill, Tennessee
But I like jam.

"Heaven is not Burger King. You can't have it your way."
Submitted by Scott Dowling, Tennessee
These fast food health nightmares get enough advertising elsewhere; must we provide them with more on our church signs?!?

"Abortion: Hitler would have loved it"
For all the compelling reasons to denounce abortion, must we resort to this one? The name "Hitler" doesn't belong on a church sign, in my humble opinion.

"Free trip to heaven: Inquire within"
Act now and we'll give you half price to the Moon as well!! Ask Jesus how "free" our little "trip to heaven" is.

"Cards over Yanks in 6!! Jesus over Death in 3!!"
"Yes, a solid outing by Team Jesus clinched their 3 day series over death. The Grim Reaper simply couldn’t handle Christ’s slider, while the Apostle Paul led the offensive attack with three RBI’s."

"Get soular power from the Son"
Maybe we could come up with a slogan in which EVERY word is a spiritual play on words. This one is corny!!

"Prayer is the key that unlocks heaven's door"
So, exactly how many prayers or what kind of prayers can "unlock heaven's door"? And what does that mean, anyhow? Be more specific, please. In fact be so specific that it doesn't fit on your sign anymore.

"If you're looking for a sign from God to get back to church, this is it"
…just not at this church, please.

"Jesus is Y2K compliant"
This reduces Jesus to the level of a Compaq Presario. Does anyone else have a problem with that?

"Something is missing in CH__CH"
YOU ARE!! U R!!! GET IT??

"Walmart is not the only savings place"
submitted by Slewis2443, location withheld.
Rollin’ back prices on salvation! That’s just great.

"Get an afterlife"
Get a New Testament. We ALL have an afterlife, idiots.

"Baskin Robbins isn't the only place with good Sundays"
This church has discovered 31 different flavors of blasphemy with this sign. Either they have a really low view of what a Sunday morning in God's House should be, or they have a very, very unique Lord's Supper that I'm not sure I would want to be a part of. Either way, count me out.

"If God is your co-pilot, you'd better switch seats"
With 66 books in the Bible, I would think there are enough items to reference in there so we don't have to reference a bumper sticker on the back of a '91 Chevy Cavalier.

"Try Jesus....If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back"
(Just a note here: I am not at all making this sign up. I saw this on a real sign in front of a real church). There is nowhere to begin on this one.

"God always answers knee-mail"
I would like to answer the writer of this sign with a well-placed knee-mail of my own.

"Sign broken, message inside"
It’s a lie. The sign worked fine.

"Dont wait until 6 strong men take you to church"
Yes, you too can be escorted to church by the Chippendale Dancers!!! Oh wait...I think they mean don't wait until your funeral. Good sentiment, bad execution (pun intended).

"Obey if you love Jesus, anybody can honk"
I bet this sign really convicts the geese that migrate by.

"God is as close as a prayer"
Yep, any old prayer to anybody.

“God won’t satisfy the skeptic’s curiosity, but he loves the honest seeker.”
So, if someone’s curious but doubtful, God just writes them off totally. Kinda like He did with the Apostle Paul.

“The best *value meal* is feasting on God’s Word.”
Yeah, I’d like a SuperSize McN.I.V. with fries and a Coke.

“For all you do, His blood’s for you”
submitted by Cheryl Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Coming soon to this church’s sign:
1) Jesus Christ: Live the High Life
2) The Lord’s Supper: Great Taste, Less Filling
3) Head for the Mountains of Calvary.
As uptight as many fundamentalists are about alcohol, you would think they wouldn't want to reference it on their church signs.

“A river of life is flowing out of this place. Come on in!”
Yeah, I would, but that blasted “river of life coming out of this place” washed me back into the parking lot. What am I, a pacific salmon?

“Love is like bread; it should be made daily”
Awwwlright! Bring on the fornication!!
submitted AND reviewed by Laurel Edwards, Melbourne, FL. Thanks, Laurel!

“Jesus is not a four-letter word.”
Well, yep.....I got five on my count.
Submitted AND reviewed by Rhys van der Waerden, Melbourne, Vic., Australia (Editor’s note: Rhys also wins the award for “Crummiest church sign from farthest away”. Thanks, Rhys!)

The Second Batch Arrives!

Fear not, true believers (a little tribute to Stan Lee there)....here is the next batch of Crummy Church Signs imported from KudzooJesus. Thanks to everyone who has emailed me regarding this first batch, seems like some people actually missed these!! And thanks to all the new fans who have written. Let me know whatcha think of these (and keep the new signs coming!):



“God’s army marches on their knees”

Man, I hope they wear “Toughskins” ©.



“What vitamins do Christians need? 2 B1 Daily.”

Submitted by Kevin Sample, Birmingham, AL

Speaking of vitamins, some church signs need a child-proof lid. No poor unsuspecting youngster should be exposed to this garbage.



“You don’t need to be a musician to keep harping on something.”

Submitted by Scott Dowling, Nashville, TN

No, you just have to review church signs.



“Heart Vision Sacrifice: Ten versus Two”

Does anyone have a clue on this one? I am at a complete loss. I have no idea what this means.



"The most important do-it-yourself project is your life"

Yes, life: Do it yourself. Don’t get any help from anybody. Especially God.



"Men with clenched fists can't shake hands"

Did this one come out of a fortune cookie? Why not just go ahead and include the “lucky numbers” also?



"Few burdens are heavy when everybody lifts"

Except for a big slab of lead. That's still really, really heavy.



"The Bread of Life never becomes stale"

….Unlike this sign.



"Martians welcome! We have space for everyone!"

I almost went to this church just in case Chewbacca showed up. I would’ve made sure he got a medal.



Just take a second and reflect on that last sign.........



...sometimes you read so many of these, the truly awful ones sort of slip through the cracks. Just wanted to make sure you guys got the full impact of that last one. Remember, these have all been seen on actual churches. Anyhow.......ON WE GO!!!



“Meet the cast of The Passion of the Christ here every Sunday!”

Submitted by Jennifer Russo, Jackson, TN

I wonder how many horny sci-fi fan-boys showed up just to see if Monica Bellucci wore that dress from Matrix: Reloaded



“Good – 0 = God”

Love those church sign math equations!! God is less than good according to this sign!! Great!



“What we weave in this life we wear for eternity”

If this sign was true, everyone would go to hell. Heaven is based on the work of Christ, not the work of man. I will wear what Christ wove in His life in my eternity, if I may borrow a crappy metaphor.



“When swept off your feet, fall to your knees.”

…as opposed to your elbows I suppose.



“You don’t realize the worth of an anchor until there’s a storm.”

Or until you don’t want your boat to float off anywhere.



“Want to avoid burning? Try Son block!”

Want to avoid looking foolish? Try not putting this sign up on your church!



“Can’t stand the heat? Reserve your place in heaven today!”

Is heaven cold? Is that common knowledge that I am unaware of?



“Think it’s hot? So’s hell! Think about it!”

See above.



“Forecast for Heaven: Reign Forever!!”

Who? Us?? Or God?? Or us and God together? Or somebody completely different? Hey, I know the answer, it’s the rest of the world I’m wondering about.



“To go nowhere, follow the crowd”

Yeah, like all those disciples. They sure didn’t get anywhere.



“All the best things in life aren’t things”

That’s right. They’re “stuff”.



“Don’t put a question mark where God puts a period.”

Submitted by Jennifer and Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN

Why not???????? (Jennifer Russo, Jackson, TN points out: The Torah isn't even punctuated in the original translation. So God isn't throwing many periods around, is he, folks?)