Part III: Another BIG Bunch of signs!

Hi, folks, and sorry it has been so long. My real job is being a teacher and baseball coach, so sometimes things get hectic, especially around the spring time. Anyhow, thanks to EVERYONE who submitted signs (look through this batch for yours) and commented on the ones already posted. I have a huge collection to post this time, so take some time and enjoy. As usual, keep the crummy church signs coming , and remember it's all in good fun!!

PS: I had a number of emails & comments requesting a list of GOOD church signs. Rest assured, as soon as I find one, I will post it here.

ONWARD....

“Don’t get depressed, come get blessed!”
submitted by Jason Quave, MS
I love rhymes!! I mean it!! Anybody want a peanut?

“It’s a new year, do something new: go to church”
submitted by Shae Cottar, Houston, TX
A new tack: Let’s insult possible future parishioners, and shame them into coming to church. That really prepares their heart for the Spirit to work.

“Jesus should be your steering wheel, not your spare tire.”
submitted by Shae Cottar, Houston, TX
…because a 12 Pack of Budweiser provides enough of a spare tire.

“Spending a lot of time kneeling leaves you in good standing.”
Submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
So people who lay tile flooring should be in really good shape.

“Salvation: apply within”
Is it like limited to the first 250 applicants? Do I get a free T-shirt just for signing up? What if my credit isn’t strong enough?

“Home: the strength of a nation”
Yep, home. As opposed to God.

“Jesus is the remedy for empty signs, seats, and souls”
Empty signs? Jesus is the cause of empty signs as far as I’m concerned. How can you even equate that with “empty souls”?


“Backsliding is the biblical term for the summer slump”
How many people really have heard the term summer slump? I have spent most of my life in the church and I am not that familiar with it. Do you really think the rest of America driving past this church’s sign is familiar with it?

“We set the sail. God makes the wind.”
…and we get absolutely freaking nowhere. You want to travel? GOD sets the sail. GOD makes the wind. Much better results.

“Let God teach you how to fly.”
Like on that movie? With the geese? And the girl who played Rogue in X-Men? And the glider shaped like the geese? And the guy from Dumb and Dumber? Or not…..

“Hurry is the death of prayer.”
Yes, it seems the Holy Spirit is incapable of answering your prayers when they are said hurriedly.

“God loves you whether you like it or not.”
Submitted by Jennifer and Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
So is this a threat? Do you DARE me to not like it?!?!

“Where death finds you, eternity will keep you”
Submitted by Jennifer and Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
No. This is wrong. If you are a Christian and die in sin, you will still go to heaven. This is because you are saved by grace, not by works. Read the Bible. The whole thing.

“Go to church or the devil will get you.”
Submitted by Meagan Redmond, Murfreesboro, TN
Also seen on a Satanic Church Sign: “Go to the child sacrifice or God will get you.”

“Faith in yourself has won many a race….never quit trying.”
Yes, folks, the cornerstone of the universal church, as established by God Himself, since time eternal: “Faith in Yourself”.

“The devil can’t win because God is in control”
Submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
How about this: The devil can’t win because God is God. If the devil could win, God wouldn’t be God.

“Road Rage: How would Jesus Drive?”
On a donkey.

“Eternity: It’s not just a cologne, it’s a choice.”
Submitted by Scott Dowling, Nashville, TN
Yes, apparently now you can choose whether or not you want your eternal soul to actually be eternal!! You want thirty days? You got thirty days. Three years? You got ‘em. Determine the length of time you spend in heaven/hell, because eternity is now an option!

“The King’s alive and His name ain’t Elvis!”
submitted by Shae Cottar, Houston, TX
Wow. Not only a horrible pop culture reference, but crummy grammar also.

“The dyslexic atheist believes there is no Dog.”
Submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And the dyslexic church sign reviewer says this sign is a big “lipe of parc.”

“The most powerful position in on your knees.
must……..restrain……..myself……

“Loose tongues get in tight spaces.”
…..still…..restraining…….myself…….

“Yabba dabba doo….God loves you.”
WIIILLLLMAAAA!!!!

“Laughter is a form of internal jogging”
sign submitted by Ana Chandler, Mandeville, LA
…and I just bet this church’s sign provides all sorts of unintentional opportunites for internal jogging.

“Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons, come try one!”
submitted by Wendy Reed, location unknown
Yes, folks, our pastor is so bad we have to ridicule him for all to see.

“Life is a one way street and we aren’t coming back”
I think the author of this sign made it up as he went along. “Life is….hmmm…a one way street….yeah, yeah….and….uh…..we’re not coming back….and……it’s a long trip…..and……..uh…….Jesus is our pilot……..oh, shoot, out of letters.

"Is your spiritual backpack full of worries?"
No, actually, because when I was on my spiritual mountain bike I remembered to fill my spiritual canteen with living water. What's the deal with asking a question on a church sign and then not providing an answer? What if someone answered "yes" to that? What does that get them?

When you die you'll meet Father God, not Mother Earth.
Submitted by Scott Wright, Ohio
This gives credence to the fact that there might BE a Mother Earth; we just don't get to meet her. (There's not)

"Anger is a stones throw at a wasps nest"
Submitted by Tony Loper, Mississippi
Tony says it best: "I had to drive past it three or four times just to figure out what it said." What does this mess mean anyhow? Do the wasps get angry? Or what?

"Bringing Christ to Tucson, whatever it takes"
Submitted by Ann Gentry, Arizona
Whatever it takes?? REALLY? Do you think they MEAN that?

"3 Nails + 1 Savior = 4 giveness"
Submitted by Gabe Wardell, Maryland
When Gabe sent this to me, his subject heading was "Bad Math." I laughed hard. Lets see if we can build a better equation: 3 nails plus 1 savior plus 1 empty tomb plus 3 parts of the Godhead plus 2 natures of Christ plus...

Our Web Site: WWW.FaithChurch.Comeonin
Submitted by Bart McLaughlin, Michigan
Bart says he had to drive past it a number of times just to figure out what the stupid thing said. These signs that require numerous drive-by's have to stop, or I may have to execute a “drive by” of my own.

"Be an organ donor...give your heart to Jesus"
Submitted by Jason Quave, Mississippi
"Laugh with me," says Jason. Indeed.

"Forbidden fruits make the worst jams"
Submitted by Pam Churchill, Tennessee
But I like jam.

"Heaven is not Burger King. You can't have it your way."
Submitted by Scott Dowling, Tennessee
These fast food health nightmares get enough advertising elsewhere; must we provide them with more on our church signs?!?

"Abortion: Hitler would have loved it"
For all the compelling reasons to denounce abortion, must we resort to this one? The name "Hitler" doesn't belong on a church sign, in my humble opinion.

"Free trip to heaven: Inquire within"
Act now and we'll give you half price to the Moon as well!! Ask Jesus how "free" our little "trip to heaven" is.

"Cards over Yanks in 6!! Jesus over Death in 3!!"
"Yes, a solid outing by Team Jesus clinched their 3 day series over death. The Grim Reaper simply couldn’t handle Christ’s slider, while the Apostle Paul led the offensive attack with three RBI’s."

"Get soular power from the Son"
Maybe we could come up with a slogan in which EVERY word is a spiritual play on words. This one is corny!!

"Prayer is the key that unlocks heaven's door"
So, exactly how many prayers or what kind of prayers can "unlock heaven's door"? And what does that mean, anyhow? Be more specific, please. In fact be so specific that it doesn't fit on your sign anymore.

"If you're looking for a sign from God to get back to church, this is it"
…just not at this church, please.

"Jesus is Y2K compliant"
This reduces Jesus to the level of a Compaq Presario. Does anyone else have a problem with that?

"Something is missing in CH__CH"
YOU ARE!! U R!!! GET IT??

"Walmart is not the only savings place"
submitted by Slewis2443, location withheld.
Rollin’ back prices on salvation! That’s just great.

"Get an afterlife"
Get a New Testament. We ALL have an afterlife, idiots.

"Baskin Robbins isn't the only place with good Sundays"
This church has discovered 31 different flavors of blasphemy with this sign. Either they have a really low view of what a Sunday morning in God's House should be, or they have a very, very unique Lord's Supper that I'm not sure I would want to be a part of. Either way, count me out.

"If God is your co-pilot, you'd better switch seats"
With 66 books in the Bible, I would think there are enough items to reference in there so we don't have to reference a bumper sticker on the back of a '91 Chevy Cavalier.

"Try Jesus....If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back"
(Just a note here: I am not at all making this sign up. I saw this on a real sign in front of a real church). There is nowhere to begin on this one.

"God always answers knee-mail"
I would like to answer the writer of this sign with a well-placed knee-mail of my own.

"Sign broken, message inside"
It’s a lie. The sign worked fine.

"Dont wait until 6 strong men take you to church"
Yes, you too can be escorted to church by the Chippendale Dancers!!! Oh wait...I think they mean don't wait until your funeral. Good sentiment, bad execution (pun intended).

"Obey if you love Jesus, anybody can honk"
I bet this sign really convicts the geese that migrate by.

"God is as close as a prayer"
Yep, any old prayer to anybody.

“God won’t satisfy the skeptic’s curiosity, but he loves the honest seeker.”
So, if someone’s curious but doubtful, God just writes them off totally. Kinda like He did with the Apostle Paul.

“The best *value meal* is feasting on God’s Word.”
Yeah, I’d like a SuperSize McN.I.V. with fries and a Coke.

“For all you do, His blood’s for you”
submitted by Cheryl Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Coming soon to this church’s sign:
1) Jesus Christ: Live the High Life
2) The Lord’s Supper: Great Taste, Less Filling
3) Head for the Mountains of Calvary.
As uptight as many fundamentalists are about alcohol, you would think they wouldn't want to reference it on their church signs.

“A river of life is flowing out of this place. Come on in!”
Yeah, I would, but that blasted “river of life coming out of this place” washed me back into the parking lot. What am I, a pacific salmon?

“Love is like bread; it should be made daily”
Awwwlright! Bring on the fornication!!
submitted AND reviewed by Laurel Edwards, Melbourne, FL. Thanks, Laurel!

“Jesus is not a four-letter word.”
Well, yep.....I got five on my count.
Submitted AND reviewed by Rhys van der Waerden, Melbourne, Vic., Australia (Editor’s note: Rhys also wins the award for “Crummiest church sign from farthest away”. Thanks, Rhys!)