Create your own Crummy Church Signs on the Church Sign Generator (visit the link to the right)
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Friday, September 10, 2004
First Batch of Signs
OK, kids, here we go. The first batch of Crummy Church Signs rescued from the old fan-favorite website "Kudzoo Jesus". More to follow, as well as new signs with new reviews. Enjoy.
“A family altar can alter a family”
Especially when little Timmy gets sacrificed. THAT will change the whole complexion of a quiet evening at home, let me tell you.
“God is alive and God lives”
Really? He does both at the very same time?
“Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.”
Too true. Now maybe you can help explain my taxes. It must be easier than figuring out this sign.
“Can’t sleep? Try counting your blessings!”
OK, here goes:
1) My church doesn’t put up cheesy slogans like this…..
Zzzzzzzzz
“Temptation is an itch you must not scratch”
And it’s just as easy as that!
“Stand for Something”
Yes!! Anything at all will apparently do!
“The difference between a stumbling block and a stepping stool is in how you use it”
Actually, no, they are two totally different things.
“Soul food served here”
submitted by Kevin and Shay Thomas, Pensacola FL
Man, I WONDERED why the Lord’s Supper was deep-fried today.
I wonder if this church has a church bus. They could call it (all together now)…….. "The Soooooooooooul Traaaaaaaaaiin."
“Under the same management for 2000 years”
submitted by Scott Dowling, Nashville, TN
Actually, this one fails on a technicality. Christ has been around longer than 2000 years. (see John 1:1 and the rest of the Bible).
“We should be more concerned with the Rock of Ages than with the Age of Rocks”
This is a sign specifically reprimanding the 0.000025 percent of the population that actually makes it a habit to study rocks. Couldn’t we shoot for perhaps a wider audience and lose the pseudo-cleverness?
“Opinions are like noses; everybody has one”
Email me at joelbezaire@yahoo.com if you can explain to me what the heck this has to do with Christ, Christianity, the Bible, the Church, God, the Holy Spirit, or anything else along these lines.
“Civilization is a voyage, not a harbor.”
Submitted by Steve and Trish Forsey, Burlington, Ontario, Canada
To quote my wife: “I don’t understand this! What does it mean?”
I don’t know either, sweetheart. In fact, it makes my head hurt.
“Hell has no thermostat”
…..and heaven has no church signs.
“Diamonds are chunks of coal that stuck to their job”
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
So, to become all God wants you to be, just sit there and let it gradually happen over a long period of time. Yeah, that’s biblical.
“Nobody laid eggs for your salvation.”
Submitted by Scott Dowling, Nashville, TN
Seen during the Easter season, one can only assume that this sign is referencing how hunting for Easter eggs has nothing to do with the real meaning of Easter. Even though that is true, this is still one of the most awful, terrible, malodorous, atrocious, and ridiculously bad church signs I have ever had the misfortune of associating with. Somebody laid some terrible eggs on this sign.
“It’s time to get aggressive with God!”
Submitted by Emily Bezaire, Nashville, TN
Shades of high school basketball: “Guys, God is KILLING us on the offensive boards!! I need somebody to get in there and put a butt on Him!! Box Him out!! Get a wide base, get that rear out there and push Him outta there!!!”
“God has a big eraser.”
…to rub you out when you sin, sucka!! (…or, to rub away your sins. This sign isn’t really specific.)
“A family altar can alter a family”
Especially when little Timmy gets sacrificed. THAT will change the whole complexion of a quiet evening at home, let me tell you.
“God is alive and God lives”
Really? He does both at the very same time?
“Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.”
Too true. Now maybe you can help explain my taxes. It must be easier than figuring out this sign.
“Can’t sleep? Try counting your blessings!”
OK, here goes:
1) My church doesn’t put up cheesy slogans like this…..
Zzzzzzzzz
“Temptation is an itch you must not scratch”
And it’s just as easy as that!
“Stand for Something”
Yes!! Anything at all will apparently do!
“The difference between a stumbling block and a stepping stool is in how you use it”
Actually, no, they are two totally different things.
“Soul food served here”
submitted by Kevin and Shay Thomas, Pensacola FL
Man, I WONDERED why the Lord’s Supper was deep-fried today.
I wonder if this church has a church bus. They could call it (all together now)…….. "The Soooooooooooul Traaaaaaaaaiin."
“Under the same management for 2000 years”
submitted by Scott Dowling, Nashville, TN
Actually, this one fails on a technicality. Christ has been around longer than 2000 years. (see John 1:1 and the rest of the Bible).
“We should be more concerned with the Rock of Ages than with the Age of Rocks”
This is a sign specifically reprimanding the 0.000025 percent of the population that actually makes it a habit to study rocks. Couldn’t we shoot for perhaps a wider audience and lose the pseudo-cleverness?
“Opinions are like noses; everybody has one”
Email me at joelbezaire@yahoo.com if you can explain to me what the heck this has to do with Christ, Christianity, the Bible, the Church, God, the Holy Spirit, or anything else along these lines.
“Civilization is a voyage, not a harbor.”
Submitted by Steve and Trish Forsey, Burlington, Ontario, Canada
To quote my wife: “I don’t understand this! What does it mean?”
I don’t know either, sweetheart. In fact, it makes my head hurt.
“Hell has no thermostat”
…..and heaven has no church signs.
“Diamonds are chunks of coal that stuck to their job”
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
So, to become all God wants you to be, just sit there and let it gradually happen over a long period of time. Yeah, that’s biblical.
“Nobody laid eggs for your salvation.”
Submitted by Scott Dowling, Nashville, TN
Seen during the Easter season, one can only assume that this sign is referencing how hunting for Easter eggs has nothing to do with the real meaning of Easter. Even though that is true, this is still one of the most awful, terrible, malodorous, atrocious, and ridiculously bad church signs I have ever had the misfortune of associating with. Somebody laid some terrible eggs on this sign.
“It’s time to get aggressive with God!”
Submitted by Emily Bezaire, Nashville, TN
Shades of high school basketball: “Guys, God is KILLING us on the offensive boards!! I need somebody to get in there and put a butt on Him!! Box Him out!! Get a wide base, get that rear out there and push Him outta there!!!”
“God has a big eraser.”
…to rub you out when you sin, sucka!! (…or, to rub away your sins. This sign isn’t really specific.)
DISCLAIMER
Crummy Church Signs was created as a lark.
It wasn’t supposed to receive submissions from 35 states and half a dozen countries (and that list increases by the week).
There were only supposed to be 3 frequent contributors, not a few dozen.
I expected a few dozen signs, not 800+.
It wasn’t supposed to turn into my main hobby.
Sometimes I might state something that is interesting, confusing, or disagreeable to you. Feel free to contact me or post a comment in the blog. I would be happy to respond.
I do not claim any authority on the topic of church signs (though I have been quoted in a Baltimore Sun article on the topic, I think that was an accident).
-----------------------------------------------
SO WHAT SHOULD WE PUT ON OUR CHURCH SIGNS??
It wasn’t supposed to receive submissions from 35 states and half a dozen countries (and that list increases by the week).
There were only supposed to be 3 frequent contributors, not a few dozen.
I expected a few dozen signs, not 800+.
It wasn’t supposed to turn into my main hobby.
If you think this website is waaaay too carried away over a relatively minor topic, you are absolutely correct. Please do not email me to point this out. I agree wholeheartedly!
Please know that I do not feel that I am any better than anyone who puts these signs on their churches. They, in fact, are probably better than I am at most things relating to being a good Christian. Christians are all simply sinners saved by grace. I have a bucketful of weaknesses. Their most apparent one is their crummy church sign.
I realize that many of my reviews come across as superior sounding and condescending. That is because I am what is known in the industry as a “smart-ass". It is my particular weakness. Were there a website called Crummy Smart-Asses, I would most certainly be a regular feature.
Those who see the glaring inconsistencies in my desire for churches and my personal approach to these reviews...thanks for paying that much attention. Just further proof of how forgiven I in fact am.
This article sums up nicely what I am trying to say.Please take this website for what it is intended to be: fun. I hope that Christians and non-Christians alike can share a laugh. I hope non-Christians can see a different side of Christianity that they don’t see from the many crummy church signs (or worse yet, crummy Christians like I so often am) that they run across. I hope Christians can be encouraged to be different, to really be “salt and light”, as our Savior described.
Enjoy your stay!
Sometimes I might state something that is interesting, confusing, or disagreeable to you. Feel free to contact me or post a comment in the blog. I would be happy to respond.
I do not claim any authority on the topic of church signs (though I have been quoted in a Baltimore Sun article on the topic, I think that was an accident).
-----------------------------------------------
SO WHAT SHOULD WE PUT ON OUR CHURCH SIGNS??
- Bible verses. (Note: Please choose Bible verses that make sense on their own and do not require a theology degree and three chapters of context.)
- Service times.
- News of how the church is working in and with the community. As a special bonus, not taking the time to think up these slogans actually leaves time for a church to work in and with the community.
- General church news (new pastors, exciting growth, new programs, new buildings, etc.)
- Upcoming sermon titles, provided they aren't crummy titles :)
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