Merry Christmas, Everyone!

submitted by Adam Vogel, Oklahoma
The kind of person whose sole reason for existence is to clean up poop?

"Don't major in minor things"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
...like reviewing church signs?

"God sent his son to earth. Where is He sending you?"
At the time, He was sending me to the gas station to fill up. Thanks for asking!


Merry Christmas to everyone! Try to remember those who are less fortunate this holiday season. Please keep sending in the signs!

"Adult Christmas Pageant, Sunday at 6:00"

"Adult" as an adjective has taken new meaning in 21st century America. Let's not use it to describe our Christmas pageants, no matter what we mean by it.

"As my apprentice, you're never fired. - God"

submitted AND reviewed by JHall
Unless, of course, your name happens to be Lucifer.

(By the way, funniest ever user-submitted review, JHall. Usually I just rewrite, rework, or completely ignore whatever reviews get sent in, because I want the tone of voice consistent throughout the blog. But I wasn't touching that one. HILARIOUS!)

"Jesus is a major part of Christmas."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Do tell! In the same way that Lincoln and Washington are major parts of President's Day?

"Come Sunday and hear about Joseph and the ultimate desparate housewife."
submitted by Miriam Redmond, Murfreesboro, TN
Man, Eva Longoria really is everywhere these days. I swear I think they cloned her.

"Two hours clean-up labor in exchange for one Sunday church attendance here."
submitted by Steve Spearman, Georgia
Steve reports that this was seen after a bad tornado in the Georgia area. So, WWJD? Use bribery, apparently.

Now that I think about it, Jesus really could have helped his ministry in this way. Imagine how many disciples he could have had if he had made all those blind or leprous beggars DO something for their healings. You want to see again, Barnabas? Take that sack of food from poor Andrew over there and follow us. Lame guy, you want your left leg back? Take this sack of laundry over to that pool and get busy scrubbing. Instead, all Jesus does is give stuff away freely, instead of making those poor saps earn their keep. They did absolutely nothing at all to earn His favor! Almost like he was trying to tell us something, show us some bigger lesson to be learned...............

....................nah, couldn't be.

Keep 'em coming.

PS: Thanks to Miriam, first contributor from my home church other than my family :)

"When you run out of sick days and call in dead, who will answer?"

submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called...and they're outta YOU!

PS: If you didn't get that one, watch more Seinfeld.


"Pessimists need a kick in the can'ts"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And church sign writers need a kick in the....

By the way, has this church read the Bible? Those prophets tended to some pessimism from time to time. I think there's a place and a time for some pessimism, you know? Appropriately, of course.

Anyhow...


"Egotism is obesity of the head."
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Do they have another sign that says "Gluttony is obesity of the butt"? Let's make a church sign for every sin, just in case we don't "convict" everyone who drives by. "Lust is obesity of the....." OK... never mind.


"O Come All Ye Faithful...and Not So Faithful."
submitted by Jenn Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And completely unfaithful. You come too. Bring the spinach dip.


"Come Worship At the Side Door: Contemporary. Casual. Cool."
submitted by theKeez, Richmond, VA
YES! The 3 most important things!! All in one place!!

(Also, anyone care to bet that they only really achieve the second of those three adjectives? I've got a twenty on it.)


"SEASONS CHANGE
GOD DOESN'T
WELCOME"
submitted by supernet, Mt. Eaton, Ohio
A little punctuation goes a loooooong ways, folks.


"Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives."
submitted by David Jacks, East Texas
So, welcome to our church, those of you who haven't looked at your Bible in a while. We are completely superior to you in every way. Would you like a bulletin?


"Got Jesus?"
submitted and assisted reveiwed by Allison, Greeneville, SC
What, was the Taco Bell dog not available? Yo quiero Jèsus! I wonder when Christianity will catch up to the mainstream and only be....I dunno.....only 5 years behind every current trend, rather than the current 10 to 15.

Better yet, why doesn't Christianity suck it up and actually try and get AHEAD of the trends. We claim to be tapped in to the most creative being EVER, so perhaps we can use that to our advantage, rather than pathetically aping every lame trend that Hollywood and Madison Ave. throw at us. I can't even walk into a "Christian" bookstore any longer without throwing up in my mouth just a little bit. Every ridiculous t-shirt, bumper sticker, self-help book (grrr...), and newly released CD that copies 1994's favorite secular band makes me wish a little harder for the Lord's return...if only to save us from ourselves.


Thanks to my family, who came through in the clutch on this batch of submissions with 4 big ones! Unfortunately, it appears that the Nashville area is turning into a breeding ground of CRAP when it comes to church signs. Thanks to everyone else who submitted as well.

KEEP 'EM COMING