Poetry! And so much better than that whole "birds of the air/lilies of the field" garbarge. That one doesn't even rhyme.
(Maybe it's poetic license, but since when do we hyphenate compound words?)
"Jesus is the only one that can give you peace like a river that flows out from your soul."
Have you ever heard a 4-year old try and tell a long story? This sign sounds like that.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Back-To-Back Crumminess
both signs submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore AL
Rev. Hendrix found these two signs on back-to-back churches.
Okay, so let's get this math equation correct:
2*(gossip started by good people) = hate + murder + pride + gluttony + envy +...... + murder + racism + war + blasphemy+ .......... + comb-overs + wearing white shoes after Labor Day + ........
For real? Half?
No, don't look to God or the Bible. Look to THIS church. THIS one.
Pitiful.
Keep in touch.
Rev. Hendrix found these two signs on back-to-back churches.
Okay, so let's get this math equation correct:
2*(gossip started by good people) = hate + murder + pride + gluttony + envy +...... + murder + racism + war + blasphemy+ .......... + comb-overs + wearing white shoes after Labor Day + ........
For real? Half?
No, don't look to God or the Bible. Look to THIS church. THIS one.
Pitiful.
Keep in touch.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
The crummy proof is in the crummy pudding.
submitted by Kelly Quinn, Texas
Okay, I have already reviewed this sign. I just hardly believed it actually existed. Apparently, it does.
Wow.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
"You must get out of the boat to walk on the water."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And that's all it takes! Like Peter, the first time he tried it....
"God can turn your "efil" around."
submitted by Kyle Evans, Albertville, AL
And if I were looking to have my "efil" turned around, I would "diova" this church.
"Is 2006 the year you become a Christian?"
submitted by Kyle Evans, Albertville, AL
This is one of those signs where it just makes it too for a passer-by to answer "No".
Supposedly rhetorical questions are bad ideas on church signs as they are very easily dismissed. Why not just post "If you are not a Christian, would you ever visit this church with our silly sign?" You're gonna get the same answer.
"You think it's hot here...."
submitted by Laua Enfinger, Arizona
This is the fourth sign I have received from Arizona comparing it to hell. I don't think I plan on visiting there.
Keep sending 'em in!
And that's all it takes! Like Peter, the first time he tried it....
"God can turn your "efil" around."
submitted by Kyle Evans, Albertville, AL
And if I were looking to have my "efil" turned around, I would "diova" this church.
"Is 2006 the year you become a Christian?"
submitted by Kyle Evans, Albertville, AL
This is one of those signs where it just makes it too for a passer-by to answer "No".
Supposedly rhetorical questions are bad ideas on church signs as they are very easily dismissed. Why not just post "If you are not a Christian, would you ever visit this church with our silly sign?" You're gonna get the same answer.
"You think it's hot here...."
submitted by Laua Enfinger, Arizona
This is the fourth sign I have received from Arizona comparing it to hell. I don't think I plan on visiting there.
Keep sending 'em in!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
"Kill the Devil!"
submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
Can we......DO that? What's taken so long, then?
"Get it fixed in 2006"
submitted and reviewed by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
The same "it" from the Ebay commercials?
"ATM inside: Atonement, Truth, Mercy"
submitted by Jim Roach, St. Louis, MO
Bad theology. Atonement is not found inside of a church. It is available as a free gift of God. You may think I am being a stickler, but a little event called "The Reformation" came about over this very debate.
"Is anything to hard for God?"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
No. However, I am becoming increasingly convinced that proper grammar is "to" hard for His followers.
"Are you a light or a lampshade?"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Does anyone outside of the church even understand this metaphor? Non-believers who read some of this tripe must just think Christians are ridiculous sometimes.
"The key to heaven hung on a nail"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
"Well done, thou good and faithful servant. You somehow knew that the key to heaven hung on a nail, whatever the heck We meant by that. Enter now into the joy of the Lord."
"Get right or get left."
submitted by Robert Adams
Old-school crummy! Let's make a pun about eternal damnation. It's fun!
Pop quiz for Christians (answers in italics) :
Explain what "get right" means in the context of this sign. (Stop sinning now.)
OK, what does "get left" mean in the context of this sign? (Don't go to heaven.)
What does one have to do with the other? (Nothing. At all. Read a Bible.)
"If your life is a TV commercial, what product are you selling?"
submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
It was easier for me to make a list of products that I am obviously NOT selling:
1. Rogaine.
2. MetRX weight gain supplements.
3. Armor All Car Wax.
4. Crest White Strips (.....my wife quipped. She's a hoot, that one!)
(This review probably meant nothing to my regular readers who don't know me personally. To the ones who do know me personally, it was probably pretty darn funny.)
I can hardly keep up with all of the submissions! Thanks to everyone for making this blog a success, and keep sending them in!!
Can we......DO that? What's taken so long, then?
"Get it fixed in 2006"
submitted and reviewed by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
The same "it" from the Ebay commercials?
"ATM inside: Atonement, Truth, Mercy"
submitted by Jim Roach, St. Louis, MO
Bad theology. Atonement is not found inside of a church. It is available as a free gift of God. You may think I am being a stickler, but a little event called "The Reformation" came about over this very debate.
"Is anything to hard for God?"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
No. However, I am becoming increasingly convinced that proper grammar is "to" hard for His followers.
"Are you a light or a lampshade?"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Does anyone outside of the church even understand this metaphor? Non-believers who read some of this tripe must just think Christians are ridiculous sometimes.
"The key to heaven hung on a nail"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
"Well done, thou good and faithful servant. You somehow knew that the key to heaven hung on a nail, whatever the heck We meant by that. Enter now into the joy of the Lord."
"Get right or get left."
submitted by Robert Adams
Old-school crummy! Let's make a pun about eternal damnation. It's fun!
Pop quiz for Christians (answers in italics) :
Explain what "get right" means in the context of this sign. (Stop sinning now.)
OK, what does "get left" mean in the context of this sign? (Don't go to heaven.)
What does one have to do with the other? (Nothing. At all. Read a Bible.)
"If your life is a TV commercial, what product are you selling?"
submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
It was easier for me to make a list of products that I am obviously NOT selling:
1. Rogaine.
2. MetRX weight gain supplements.
3. Armor All Car Wax.
4. Crest White Strips (.....my wife quipped. She's a hoot, that one!)
(This review probably meant nothing to my regular readers who don't know me personally. To the ones who do know me personally, it was probably pretty darn funny.)
I can hardly keep up with all of the submissions! Thanks to everyone for making this blog a success, and keep sending them in!!
What about a morgue for the devil?
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
There's just so.....much....wrong with this sign.
a) Who likes visiting a hospital, anyhow?
b) Nobody stays at a hospital. You get better and leave. Same with this church?
c) Are elderly church members now bad in some way? Should they be forced to leave? Get some "fresh blood" in there?
Boooooooo on Presley St. Baptist, wherever you are.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
"Trespassers will be converted"
Why don't they just add, "...and, trust us, you sure don't want that to happen." Sheesh.
"No time to pray makes easy p-r-e-y ."
Yeah, I g-e-t it. You don't have to s-p-e-l-l out every s-t-u-p-i-d play on words.
"There are signs from heaven, and there are signs like this one."
Who is benefitting from these words being there? They aren't even pretend-funny. They don't encourage people to attend. They don't have any truth attached to them. Why are they there? Who took the time to put them there? This church is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. And I would avoid it like the plague if I were church-hunting.
"Avoid truth decay: read the KJV"
submitted by Ryan on the www.churchmarketingsucks.com comment section
So 400 some-odd years of education and historical discovery means that we are worse at translating ancient texts? Okay......
"The deadliest WMD is the tongue"
submitted by Kellaura Jones, Houston, TX
Someone should tell our current administration this. I bet they actually could find some tongues in Iraq.
If I may analyze a crappy analogy: isn't gossip and rumor (I assume this is what they mean by "the tongue") more aptly described as a sniper rather than a WMD? Usually gossip deeply hurts one or two people rather than an entire population. Sure, it's deadly. But mass destruction?
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
submitted by Kellaura Jones, Houston, TX.
Sorry guys, bad theology: Christians shouldn't have a clear conscience. A clear conscience comes from the knowledge that you have done nothing wrong, or perhaps that you have done a great deal right. You haven't.
A Christian should have the knowledge that he/she is deeply flawed, yet forgiven in Christ. If someone has a clear conscience, he/she runs the risk of forgetting the price that was paid for his/her rebellion. Be forgiven, be thankful, and don't dwell on your past sins, but don't have a clear conscience. You have done nothing to earn it. You can, however, have a forgiven/redeemed/sanctified conscience and it's the best thing in the world.
Long-time visitors may have noticed some changes to the site. I have added links to worthwhile and/or interesting organizations to the sidebar on the right and at the bottom of the page. If you are bored (and you're reading my site, so the odds are good), go visit one of them.
I have also added Google adverts to the top of the page. I think if 50 million people click on those links, they send me a check for $3.50 or something. So don't even bother.
Thanks for the input, and keep the signs coming!!
"No time to pray makes easy p-r-e-y ."
Yeah, I g-e-t it. You don't have to s-p-e-l-l out every s-t-u-p-i-d play on words.
"There are signs from heaven, and there are signs like this one."
Who is benefitting from these words being there? They aren't even pretend-funny. They don't encourage people to attend. They don't have any truth attached to them. Why are they there? Who took the time to put them there? This church is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. And I would avoid it like the plague if I were church-hunting.
"Avoid truth decay: read the KJV"
submitted by Ryan on the www.churchmarketingsucks.com comment section
So 400 some-odd years of education and historical discovery means that we are worse at translating ancient texts? Okay......
"The deadliest WMD is the tongue"
submitted by Kellaura Jones, Houston, TX
Someone should tell our current administration this. I bet they actually could find some tongues in Iraq.
If I may analyze a crappy analogy: isn't gossip and rumor (I assume this is what they mean by "the tongue") more aptly described as a sniper rather than a WMD? Usually gossip deeply hurts one or two people rather than an entire population. Sure, it's deadly. But mass destruction?
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
submitted by Kellaura Jones, Houston, TX.
Sorry guys, bad theology: Christians shouldn't have a clear conscience. A clear conscience comes from the knowledge that you have done nothing wrong, or perhaps that you have done a great deal right. You haven't.
A Christian should have the knowledge that he/she is deeply flawed, yet forgiven in Christ. If someone has a clear conscience, he/she runs the risk of forgetting the price that was paid for his/her rebellion. Be forgiven, be thankful, and don't dwell on your past sins, but don't have a clear conscience. You have done nothing to earn it. You can, however, have a forgiven/redeemed/sanctified conscience and it's the best thing in the world.
Long-time visitors may have noticed some changes to the site. I have added links to worthwhile and/or interesting organizations to the sidebar on the right and at the bottom of the page. If you are bored (and you're reading my site, so the odds are good), go visit one of them.
I have also added Google adverts to the top of the page. I think if 50 million people click on those links, they send me a check for $3.50 or something. So don't even bother.
Thanks for the input, and keep the signs coming!!
Monday, January 9, 2006
"Living With Power in 2006"
"Living With Confidence in 2006"
"Living With Consideration in 2006"
(a series of 3 consecutive church signs in 3 consecutive weeks)
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Galatians 5:22: "And the fruits of the Spirit are Power, Confidence, Consideration....." Or not.
"New Pastor, New Look. Come in and see!"
submitted by Eric Skaggs, Massilon, OH
As Eric pointed out in his email....this sign just kind of makes you wonder what happened with the old pastor that made them not only get rid of him, but totally redecorate as well.
"Troubles, like babies, grow through nursing."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Steve Lopez, Ozark, MO
So.....troubles suck? I already knew that!
"Will the road your on get you to my place? - God"
The fact that the author of the church sign can't even study basic grammar doesn't cause me to hold out a lot of hope for his or her study of theology. Your = possessive. You're = "you are".
"Instead of looking forward or backward, try looking upward!"
Possibly not the best advice to give to people who are driving past your church. As my friend John said, "What if I don't have a sunroof?"
"If Christ offends you, imagine what hell will do."
submitted by Bruce and Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I know it's early, but we have a leader in the clubhouse for the title of "Worst Sign of 2006". Only in America can we get a church sign to favorably compare Christ and hell. And, yeah, I know what they were trying to say...that doesn't count because most unchurched people wouldn't. Time for this church to pull it's head out of it's &^%%$ and quit offending me. :)
"Faith is a journey, not a destination."
And speaking of Journey, the other side of the sign read, "Don't stop....beleeeeeevin'....."
...actually that's a lie. That sign would have been much better than what was actually on the other side. The other side read:
"Be quiet enough to hear God whisper"
...because God isn't loud enough when he wants to be. It's up to YOU to get close enough.
Great idea for the .0001% of people who are strong enough to stay close to God on their own. As for me, I am going to have to rely on God's strength to keep me close enough. And for God to be loud enough to get through my thick skull.
Happy new year everyone! Keep the crummy signs coming!
"Living With Consideration in 2006"
(a series of 3 consecutive church signs in 3 consecutive weeks)
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Galatians 5:22: "And the fruits of the Spirit are Power, Confidence, Consideration....." Or not.
"New Pastor, New Look. Come in and see!"
submitted by Eric Skaggs, Massilon, OH
As Eric pointed out in his email....this sign just kind of makes you wonder what happened with the old pastor that made them not only get rid of him, but totally redecorate as well.
"Troubles, like babies, grow through nursing."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Steve Lopez, Ozark, MO
So.....troubles suck? I already knew that!
"Will the road your on get you to my place? - God"
The fact that the author of the church sign can't even study basic grammar doesn't cause me to hold out a lot of hope for his or her study of theology. Your = possessive. You're = "you are".
"Instead of looking forward or backward, try looking upward!"
Possibly not the best advice to give to people who are driving past your church. As my friend John said, "What if I don't have a sunroof?"
"If Christ offends you, imagine what hell will do."
submitted by Bruce and Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I know it's early, but we have a leader in the clubhouse for the title of "Worst Sign of 2006". Only in America can we get a church sign to favorably compare Christ and hell. And, yeah, I know what they were trying to say...that doesn't count because most unchurched people wouldn't. Time for this church to pull it's head out of it's &^%%$ and quit offending me. :)
"Faith is a journey, not a destination."
And speaking of Journey, the other side of the sign read, "Don't stop....beleeeeeevin'....."
...actually that's a lie. That sign would have been much better than what was actually on the other side. The other side read:
"Be quiet enough to hear God whisper"
...because God isn't loud enough when he wants to be. It's up to YOU to get close enough.
Great idea for the .0001% of people who are strong enough to stay close to God on their own. As for me, I am going to have to rely on God's strength to keep me close enough. And for God to be loud enough to get through my thick skull.
Happy new year everyone! Keep the crummy signs coming!
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