Next thing you know, you'll start saying they should have their own schools!

submitted and asst. reviewed by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
...thereby converting the entire Dental Care community of Escambia county to the Baptist denomination. All 10 of them. And for all the right reasons.

This sign has inspired me....
E-mail me your made-up beatitudes here, and I will post the best ones some time next week. Let's rewrite chapter 5 of Matthew. Surely we can do better than some "tax collector"!


Also, keep the crumminess coming.

Can He hear you now?

submitted and reviewed by Rachel Petty
Add either eternal life or a flip phone for $29.99!

"March Madness is more than just about basketball. Come in on Sunday and learn more."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Jennie Sowers, New Castle, IN
Yes, let's endear ourselves to Hoosier country by slamming March Madness. Pun intended. While we're at it, let's go to Canada and pee in the Stanley Cup.
And what "madness" will occur on Sunday? Snake handling?

"All flesh is as grass.
I Pe 2:24"
submitted and asst. reviewed by Jennie Sowers, New Castle, IN
Can somebody buy this church a "t" so they can finish their "First Peter" reference? This is the second time.....
Also, some context for the Bible verse would be nice. Are we supposed to fertilize our flesh? Or trim it?

"Breathe in God's Spirit, exhale God's love."
submitted by Jennie Sowers, New Castle, IN
Yep, knock 'em out with secondhand love.

"He who sees the invisible can do the impossible."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
The kid from The Sixth Sense can help me win a March Madness bracket challenge? I'll keep that in mind for next year.

"Enjoy today, compliments of God."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
First one's free, kids. After that.....

"Don't let yesterday use up today"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Daylight Savings somehow rears its ugly head again.

And finally, I feel compelled to review a couple of the signs from the Washington Post article (see previous post).

"Jesus turned water into wine, but He can't turn whining into anything."
So would you quit coming to Him with all your problems, already?! Sheesh!

"What caterpillars call the end, God calls a butterfly."
So completely withdraw yourself from your life for a period of time, and God will work a miracle? Really?

Thanks to Rachel for the picture, and Jennie and Jennifer for the submissions. Rev. Hendrix also sent me a GREAT picture, but all of a sudden I can't upload pictures. I will get it up when I figure out what's wrong. It's a doozy.

Keep 'em coming.

I didn't quite make the cut...

Check out this article about church signs by Washington Post writer Chris Davenport. We had a nice conversation on the topic, but I really didn't say anything profound enough to make the final draft. To my long-time readers: Shocking, I know. Regardless, it's a well-written and well-balanced article that shows both sides to church signs. Enjoy.

Keep sending in the crummy ones.

"New Challenges, tomorrow 7:00 - 9:00"

submitted and asst. reviewed by David Finch, DC
Matthew 11:28: "Come to me, all ye who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you New Challenges."

"Exciting Kids Worship"
submitted by Angie Dishman
I would be curious to see what ANY kind of kids' worship looks like, let alone the "exciting" kind. Do they have them on pedestals, or what?
By the way, in my real-life job as a teacher, I have met some parents who must be members of this church.

"Have U talked 2 Jesus today?"
OMG! Have U? ROTFLOL!

WTF......



"Extreme Soul Makeover available inside"
submitted by David Jacks, TX
I wonder if the Pastor delivers the sermon yelling through a megaphone.

"Closer to shepherd, further from wolves."
...and closer to the sheepdogs, which (in this analogy) isn't always a good thing.

"We plan on being generous as soon as we have more than enough for ourselves."

Well...... at least they're honest, though not necessarily refreshingly honest. Yikes.

Note: I really did see that sign today. Verbatim. I think they were trying to be smart-alecky, but man, did it not come across that way.

"Let go of the old and hold on to the new."
submitted AND reviewed by David Finch, DC
...and other things that shouldn't be said during marriage counseling.

"God wants us to read Psalms, not palms."
submitted by David Jacks, Texas
And He wants us to read Leviticus, not.............uh..............er..............never mind.

"We believe in prayer requests!"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
"We believe in the Great One, the Next One...and we believe in hockey!"

Shouldn't they believe in the One who answers prayer requests, not the requests themselves?

"Daily prayer will diminish your cares."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And just think...it could have really rhymed if they had just pluralized "prayer". And THAT would have made is so much better.

Keep 'em coming.

"Listen, just listen!"

*crickets*












"Don't let your yesterday destroy your today."
this one and the last one submitted by David Finch, Washington, DC
Because yesterday, there was so many things I was never told? And now that I'm starting to learn, I feel I'm growing old? Because yesterday's got nothing for me?

"God forgives sincere confession."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Kelly Quinn
He prefers the insincere ones, but He is willing to make exceptions.

"Doing flows from our being."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Coincidentally, this is also the punch line to a really filthy Chinese joke.

"You are not too bad to come in. You are not too good to stay out."
submitted by Kathy Treadway
Isn't the whole premise of Christianity the fact that you are too bad to come in yet not too good to stay out? Remember...only through Christ, people.

"He who rows the boat doesn't have the time to rock it."
Yeah, take THAT, God!



In some cool news, another major metropolitan newspaper is writing an article on church signs and sought me out for some of my input. (I was quoted in the Baltimore Sun in early 2000, though this copy of the article left out everything I had to say). Stay tuned for when and where to find the article!

Keep the crumminess coming!

"Step up and in to God's promises. This Friday from 7:30 to 9:00"

submitted and reviewed by David Finch, Washington DC
Sounds like an aerobics class . . . then push and hold and breathe, now step down and out of God's promises, release, exhale . . . good, keep going ladies only one more rep!

Some of you guys are aiming to put me out of business....many of the reader-submitted reviews have been stellar as of late.

A word of warning...the money's not so good.


Keep 'em coming!

"God + you = a majority"

submitted by Nathan Kaminsky, Joplin, MO
Ladies and gentlemen, our President's theology in a nutshell.

"Jesus loves you where you like it or not"
submitted and reviewed by Nathan Kaminsky, Joplin, MO
There are some distinct disadvantages to having your youth pastor arrange the letters on the sign.

"Church shopping? We're open Sundays."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And this Sunday only...HALF OFF of SALVATION. Yes, at this week's services, Jesus was only HURT for your sins!! Bring a friend for double the savings!

"A warm church, like warm butter, will spread."
Malaria spreads too.

"If Jesus returns this Sunday where will He find you?"
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
This church has apparently unearthed some heretofore unknown document that establishes Jesus' second coming as happening on a Sunday. Who knew?

Keep sending them in!

"Little sins grow up fast"

submitted by Kathy Treadway, Wilmington, OH
And they're so cute when they're young.....

"Wisdom is the reward for keeping silent"
submitted by Kathy Treadway, Wilmington, OH
And yet they feel compelled to spout off on their church sign.....

"Are you a reprobate?
II Corinthians 13:5"
submitted by J.T., Bryantsville, KY
If someone sees this on a church sign, please tack a note to their front door that reads:
"Are you a Pharisee?
Matthew 23"

"God may say wait, but He never says worry"
submitted by David Finch
And he may say "no". Why does no church sign I have ever seen acknowledge this?

"Nothing ruins the truth like streching it"
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Nothing ruins the point of a sign like misspeling it.

"Without the Bread of Life, you're toast."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
With the Bread of Life, you are simply good for sandwiches.

"Path to Perversion"

submitted by Jeff Keezel, Richmond, VA
Part of an ongoing series, including "Road to Wrath", "Gateway to Gluttony", and the ever popular "Launchpad to Lust".
I wonder what the clientele at this church looks like on any given Sunday?

"Man can have a new life & heart w/o a new head"
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Most of the church signs on this website imply that once someone becomes a Christian, their brains fall out of their heads and they become stupid. This one comes right out and says it. C'mon, people......

"A shut mouth gathers no foot."
submitted by Mondo Davis, Monterey, CA
Yeah, that's pretty much how Jesus went about things.

"To belittle is to be little."
submitted by Mondo Davis, Monterey, CA
If that is true, then this website makes me very, very, very small.

"Jesus said, 'Follow me'. Directions inside"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Directions inside, or anywhere one can find a Bible.

Thanks, all. Keep 'em coming!!