"It wasn't the apple; it was the pair."

submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Oh, those two! Original sin can be so cute if you put the right spin on it!

"Doubt and do without. Believe and receive."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Nothing like giving people a realistic vision of Christ's providence. And this is nothing like it.

"Kind words make happy echoes."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Maybe we can combine the Lord's supper with fortune cookies....our wafers can have little slips of paper with "wise" sayings like this. Sadly, I could probably make a killing with that idea.

"Church is a gift from God: some assembly is required."
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
...and batteries are not included? Offer not valid in Alaska and Hawaii?

"Rabies clinic: 10 AM"
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Is there really NOTHING more important going on in the life of this church?!?

"Wake up call! This Saturday at 7:30 and 9:30"
submitted by David Finch, DC
Turn down service is also available. And they leave a nice mint on your pew on Sunday morning.

"Be encouraged and be an encourager!"
submitted AND asst. reviewed by David Finch, DC
Taken from the book Suicide Counseling for Dummies.

"You can't hide from God by not coming to church."
submitted AND asst. reviewed by David Jacks, TX
Yep. He will pretty much hunt you down and get you. Sucka.

"God replaces the lazy with the diligent"
submitted by Miss Kitty at http://educatedandpoor.blogspot.com
Really? If only Pat Robertson would start to slack a little.....

"Determination is the key to success"
submitted by David Finch, DC
WHAT!?!? On a CHURCH sign? What Bible does this guy preach from? I am tempted to give a few Bible verses that refute this, but you can pretty much just open it up anywhere and start reading. You'll get there soon enough.
If you don't know what I'm talking about: According to Christianity, the key to success is relying on the work of Christ on the cross and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. A little idea called "faith". Not this "determination" bullcrap.
EXAMPLE: I could be determined to dance ballet. I will never make it. I have all the coordination of a drunk, vertiginous giraffe. I'm sure everyone out there has an example as well.

Wow, that's awful. Maryland just made it to orange on the Map of Crumminess (link to the right) with that one. And red isn't far behind.

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I could probably start a blog on Crummy "Christian Band" Names as well. I don't have the time, but I do feel the need to share this one that my sister submitted: "Eve's Hero" Take a second and ponder on what they could possibly mean by that.........


Thanks for all the submissions! Keep sending them in!

New Feature: The Map of Crumminess!

As a new feature to "Crummy Church Signs", I have created the Map of Crumminess. It tracks, through a very scientific process, the frequency at which I receive submissions from different locations around the United States and the world.

If you live in a blank state, that means I haven't received any crummy church signs from that state. So....either they aren't there OR you need to get off your duffs and send them in!!!!

I will keep the map bookmarked on the right-hand menu on this page...check back often!

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture?

submitted by Jennie Sowers, IN
Jennie says this sign had incorrect spelling on it for 3 weeks. That's dedication to a cause, right there.

"Easter is a joke on the devil. Ha!"
submitted by John Allen Bankson, Ruston LA
God must be one committed prankster, sending his Son to die for a punch line.

"A cheerful friend is like a sunny day"
submitted by Nickie Albert, Mobile AL ('sup, fellow Belhaven Blazer!!)
So...a cheerful friend can burn you?
A cheerful friend makes you sweat?
Huh?

"God's will is our peace."
submitted by Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
This could mean so many things (most of them wrong):
Peace as in "happiness": Uh, no.
Peace as in "peace of mind": Doubt it.
Peace as in "comfort": Not so much.
Peace as in "not going to war": I might buy that.
Peace as in "not at war with God any more": Sure.

"God deserves your attention"
submitted AND reviewed by David Finch, DC
I don't recall that verse in the Bible: "Be ye holy, as I am holy. And stand up straight and pay attention when I'm talking to you, son!" Does He want us to salute as well?

"Your destiny is determined by a choice, not chance."
Gee, thanks, Uncle Ben. Or was that Jor-El? Or did Professor X say that?
Where exactly does the Book of Stan Lee fall in the canon, again? Is it before or after Galatians?

Thanks to Nickie, first time submitter, friend of my sister, and fellow Belhaven grad. Glad you found the site.

Keep 'em coming, everyone.

"We stand on the Rock, not sing it"

submitted by Sara Fisher, Cedar Springs, MI
But Petra did BOTH.




(1990, Beyond Belief album, track 2....don't EVEN mess with that.)

Thanks to Sara, first time submitter!
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We also have a couple of "winners" to announce.

First of all, best made-up Beatitude comes from David Finch in Washington DC:

"Blessed are the blind for they do not have to witness stupid church signs"

And the best Resurrection Cheer comes from the Anonymous poster in the comments section (and it made me laugh out loud):

"Rah rah! Hey hey!
Who's been disinterred today?
It's Jesus....clap, clap....it's Jesus!

Step forth and claim your glory, Anonymous Poster!

Keep 'em coming

From the upcoming sequel "How the Grinch Stole Easter".......

submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Does anybody know how a "Resurrection Cheer" goes?

Is it.....

"Stopping Satan's Insurrection,
Is Jesus' Third Day Resurrection!"

or is it...

"One, two, three, four!
Who's not buried anymore?
It's Jesus.....(clap, clap)....it's Jesus.......(clap, clap)......"

I can picture it, complete with middle school cheerleaders and some sort of clumsy human pyramid (or worse yet, a cross).



I will take suggestions for other "Resurrection Cheers" as well....and I am still taking Beatitudes from a couple of weeks ago.

Send 'em in.

Talk about taking church discipline a little too far....

"Live drive-thru crucifixion. March 31-April 1, 7-9 PM"
submitted and asst. reviewed by John Allen Bankson, Ruston, LA
All the convenience of a regular crucifixion, and you don't even have to leave your car!

"Are we there yet?"
submitted and asst. reviewed by David Finch, DC
Well if they don't know, then what hope do the rest of us have?

"Join us on our journey to eternity"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I have an idea...maybe they could make it sound a little less like they are going to hitch a ride on the next comet that passes through the system.

"The Bible. What if it is true!"
submitted by David Jacks, TX
Punctuation. What if we used it correctly!

"Closed."
submitted by David Jacks, TX
Pretty much the ultimate crummy church sign.


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Hey kids, if you're going to send a picture with your sign submission, make sure that YOU TOOK THE PICTURE, that you didn't borrow it from some other website.

Please don't use other people's stuff without permission. It makes me look crummy too.