"How does a Christian spell Heaven? H-O-M-E."

submitted by frequent contributor Wes Kenney, OK
It's time for a fun game! In the comments section, make your OWN crummy church sign by filling in the blanks:

"How does a Christian spell _______Christianese word_______ ? ________spell the word here________.

It's like Mad Libs, but crummier.

Keep 'em coming.

"Put a period on your past."

submitted by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
This sign is very similar to a rejected catchphrase for a new prescription drug, "Put a past on..." Well...you get the idea.

"God is the God of possibilities."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
Please turn in your Bibles to 1st Osteen 1:5......

More.

....and Jesus loves you!

submitted by Claude E. Lett IV
The other side of the sign said, "...and if you lose the rat race, then you're a rat and a loser."
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
...unless it's on a crummy church sign, then we should change it all we want.
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
"God"....wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean?
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"Come burn with us"
submitted by Greg S., Florissant, MO*
It's hard to tell if this church:
a) is all going to hell.
b) is "on fire" for God.
c) caught "the clap" from the temple prostitutes.

"God makes pumpkins too"
submitted by Chris Jensen, Paradise CA
I am still convinced that squash is the work of the devil, though.

*Be sure to check out Greg S.'s new blog Kinda Kitschy. It's sorta like Crummy Church Signs, but it's all the crap you find in Christian bookstores.

Keep 'em coming.

Yep. You're pretty much by yourself out there.

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
This is where "context" becomes mightily important.

And where did this book of "Ho" come from? Is it anywhere near First and Second Pimp?

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"Lord I'm running. 99 and a half won't do"
"Don't run with the world, instead walk with God"
both sides of the same sign submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Run...don't run....what do you want from me?!?

I think that first one is some cultural reference...I would use the term "pop" culture, but I don't know how "pop" the culture in question actually is. Can anybody offer some help in the comments section?

"Shine don't whine"
submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Shine don't rhyme.

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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Adjectives are a good thing. Too much of a good thing is still....well....too much.
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"Welcome a child--Welcome God."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
What do we get if we welcome a puppy?

"When it rains, He pours."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
...whiskey? Is God so hard up for cash that He's tending bar on rainy days? What was this sign even supposed to mean? Maybe the people making this sign were pouring whiskey....

"Are you going places or just being taken?"
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks. Sign seen in North Dakota.
Or are you doing the taking? (Churches, I'm talkin' to you......)

Blogger has decided that's enough pictures for this post, so I will continue this LARGE batch in the next post (sorry, I got a little backlogged there.)

Keep 'em coming.

"Let us wash you in the blood of a dead man."

submitted by Daniel Bull, Beaver PA
Dear all non-Christians: I swear Christianity is nothing like this, no matter how we make it look sometimes.

"Go Bush Go! Bring the ammo!"
submitted by Rev. David Hawes, Shelby, NC
Dear all non-Christians: I swear Christianity is nothing like this, no matter how we make it look sometimes.

Sigh.


Keep 'em coming.

It's so crummy it takes up both sides.

signs submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Rumor has it that this church torched the "eating establishment" in question just so they would have the chance to put this sign up.

Props to Rev. Hendrix for taking non-blurry pictures of these signs. The camera would have been shaking (from laughter) if it had been up to me.

Keep 'em coming.

Didn't your mother ever tell you...

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
Yeah, you can't see the shadow because you're blind from the sunshine!
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submitted by April B., Austin, TX
"Got Members?"


Keep 'em coming.

Crummy Is An Adjective...

submitted by John Lutz, Englewood, CO
A verb like this? :

"Mommy, I Christianitied in my pants!!"

"My dad walked in on me while I was Christianitying!!!"

"Awww, I just Christianitied this whole thing up."

"Would you quit Christianitying while I am trying to read?"

"The dog just Christianitied off somewhere...can you find him?"

Maybe not.....

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"The pew is a launching pad, not a rest area."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. John Allen Bankson, Ruston, LA
Now you are just catapulted directly into the baptismal pool from where you sit?

And whoever has been using the pews as "rest areas"...please stop. Have you ever seen those rest areas along the interstate?!? Eww...
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The rest of these signs were submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen (MN) and were originally posted on his blog.















Note: This one says "Celebrate our heroes and sheroes". No, really, it does.

Sounds like a Greek temple to me..... To Dionysius! To Athena! Party time!!! Toga Toga Toga!!!

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Funny...that's the same analogy my doctor gave me when I asked him about....

...oh, never mind.

As a bonus, at least they didn't spell the name of their church as "Sonrise".
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Blogger has stopped me from posting any more pictures, so I will continue Micah's pics on the next post.

Keep 'em coming.

New Website Section

QUOTES: See who is saying what about Crummy Church Signs. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

Unfortunately, I deleted all my old hate mail as soon as I received it. From now on, it goes up on this page. Especially if the writers can't be bothered to read the disclaimer first.

Enjoy. Or not.

Our house, in the middle of our street? Our house, in the middle of our...

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
Next week the sign read:
Our house it has a crowd
There's always something happening
And it's usually quite loud

It sounds like the pastor wants to add a sunroom.....

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"Mature Christians are RIPE for Heaven”
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
That is some rotten fruit of the Spirit, right there.

And by the way, old folks: CONGRATULATIONS, you're almost dead. What a terrible sign.

“How a Woman Respects a Man”
submitted by Katie Trapp, Farmington Hills, MI
You mean bringing him his beer while he convalesces in the Barcalounger isn't it?!?!

“It pays to serve God”
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Yeah, but the benefits suck.

“What do you do when you have a but?”
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Aw, c'mon. They're just asking for it now.....

In the case of the person who wrote that sign....you kick it.

“We celebrate our diversity”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
I think I know what they are trying to say, but instead of saying that everyone is welcome it sounds to me like someone is running for office.


By the way, the lyrics in the first post are from the Talking Heads. Do try and keep up, will you? :)

With a Rebel Yell, I cry More! More! More!

When Church Signs Suck

An article I wrote, entitled When Church Signs Suck, has been posted over at my friends and co-conspirators Church Marketing Sucks. Head over and check it out!

"Say Yes to Families, No to Cashews."

submitted by frequent contributor Nickie Albert. Sign from Lucedale, MS
This absolutely has to be the work of a sign vandal. No way they meant that.............right?!?!!?

"If your problem is long-standing, maybe you should try kneeling."
submitted by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
And if your problem is long-kneeling...you're pretty much screwed.

"Gain the World And Lose Your Soul. Deal or No Deal."
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
Um...I'd like to phone a friend?

"God Specializes."
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
So do prostitutes. I think the key is "In what?"

"A child of the King should bear some family resemblance."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Hey! I just rained fire and brimstone down on my students the other morning! Isn't that good enough?

"Prosperity is to understand how God does things."
Anonymous submission from Auburn, IL
Well, if you can get past the terrible sentence construction, this sign is still pretty much awful. I wonder if they have ever heard of this little idea called "faith"?

Also, Joseph Birthisel sent me a link to this article about a controversial church sign. Nice.

The frequent contriubtors lit it up this time around. Good job, everyone.

Keep 'em coming.

Philip Haentzler, 49: One of 2,996

In memory of the 5-year anniversary of 9/11, Crummy Church Signs is proud to participate in 2,996, a project where almost 3,000 different bloggers from around the world pay tribute to an individual victim of the tragedies of 9/11/2001.

Today we remember Philip Haentzler.

Philip Haentzler, 49, was a legal administrative officer for Kidder Peabody-Paine Webber in the WTC building. Mr. Haentzler was survived by his wife Patricia A. Thompson-Haentzler. There is a terrific memorial article published on one of Mr. Haentzler's former school's website, (an all-French school by the way...fitting that I should be blogging about Mr. Hanetzler....) . The original article was published in the Staten Island Advance and written by Leah Karnatski. It reads:

Every morning for nearly two decades, Philip Haentzler would get up early and make a pot of coffee. He would pour a cup, place it on the table with a spoon, and peruse the New York Times for stories relating to social work.

If he found one, he would place the story, face up, on the table next to the coffee and wait. It was a ritual, but it wasn't for himself. Mr. Haentzler, a resident of St. George, did this every morning for his love, Patricia Thompson, who would wake up from a peaceful slumber once the powerful and soothing aroma of morning reached her.

Now, the social worker hardly sleeps, and she's been sipping her treasured morning coffee alone since Mr. Haentzler became one of the missing victims of the World Trade Center attacks. Mr. Haentzler was a legal administrative officer for Kidder Peabody/UBS Paine Webber on the 101st floor of Tower 1.

"I started my day with Philip, and I ended my day with Philip," said Ms. Thompson. "He was so supportive of me, and gave me a love so grand that it pains me to realize he's no longer with me."

Born in Manhattan, Mr. Haentzler was brought to Queens as a baby. His parents were born and married in France, and Philip attended Lycee Francais on the Upper East Side. All of his classes were in French. He had an immense talent for languages, Ms. Thompson said. Already fluent in French, Latin and Spanish, he was working on his German. He was also a voracious reader and "read everything he picked up," she said. Mr. Haentzler earned a degree in history from Haverford (Pa.) College, and a degree in paralegal studies from New York University. After college, he spent three years in Paris trying to make it as a writer.

An aspiring playwright, he kept his work at the office, so Ms. Thompson never had a chance to read his newer, incomplete projects. He finished a one-act play about the American Revolution that was critiqued by the former Minstrel Society of New York in the 1980s.

The couple met at Kidder Peabody in 1983, when she was a legal secretary. "He had piercing eyes," she said. "Our first date was on St. Patrick's Day. We went out for a drink after work, and went out every night after that." They frequented puppet shows, off-off-Broadway theater, and often went to a film house in Greenwich Village that showed short films. The audience would sit on pillows to view the films, after which Mr. Haentzler loved to critique them for hours. "He was a walking encyclopedia," Ms. Thompson said. "We talked all the time, and had a perfect relationship as far as communication."

In the fall of 1983, he was transferred to a Kidder Peabody office in Houston, and Patricia followed. They remained in Texas for seven years. After returning north, they rented an apartment in Manhattan, but moved to St. George the following year because the commute was easier. They bought a house next door to their apartment building in March 2000, where they could share their morning coffee on the balcony off the main floor.

The couple preferred outdoor vacations, and visited towns throughout Pennsylvania together. "We both preferred a rustic vacation," said Ms. Thompson. They also traveled to Vermont, Lake Placid, N.Y., and Canada and had recently purchased a time-share condominium in the Delaware Water Gap, Pa., area. A favorite destination was a certain mountain resort in Pennsylvania, which Mr. Haentzler had visited many times as a child. When his father died, he spread his ashes there.

"This was a very sacred spot for him. He created a memorial for his father there." Patricia said.

In addition to Ms. Thompson, Mr. Haentzler is also survived by his mother, Madeleine Debolt. There will be a memorial service Saturday at 1 p.m. in St. Peter's R.C. Church, New Brighton.

Y'know, the goal of the 2,996 project was to do some research on each victim and write a fitting tribute....but I don't think it gets more fitting than the above. To all my regulars: Please keep Patricia and the rest of Philip's friends and family in your prayers and thoughts. Peruse the rest of the 2,996 project as well. Keep all of the victim's families in your thoughts and prayers today.

God bless.

"It is less stressful to serve the Lord."

These people beg to differ.

"We Can."
submitted by Cindy Tucker, sign from Fairfield, OH (Cindy's Blog)
God might be able to.

"You had to be there Sunday."
submitted by Cindy Tucker, sign from Fairfield, OH
Or I had to be at my own church, thank you very much.

"Windows are for looking through. So are your problems."
submitted by Megan Wetekamp, South Bend, IN
I throw rocks through my problems.

"Does your face have worry wrinkles? You need a faith-lift!"
While you're at it, have an Eternal Life-o-suction!

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submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Whatcha wanna bet that someone performed "Daddy Sang Bass" for the offertory?

Keep 'em coming.

Another church where you need to know the password....

submitted by frequent contributor Wes Kenney, OK
Sigh.....
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"We are not masters of the earth. Only guest."
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
How could we be Masters of the Earth when this guy is Master of the whole freakin' Universe?

(And Nickie made sure to point out that both sides had the singular form of "guest". *snicker*)

"The best defense is an offense."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, sign from Saraland, AL
So I guess this is why many church signs take to insulting readers, saying they're ugly and stuff?

"Remember C A L V A R Y"
submitted and reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
Forget the Alamo.

"To get to heaven turn right and go straight."
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
I suppose it was only a matter of time before we started using the same taglines for both Christianity and the Republican party......(sigh)........

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submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
The bumper sticker reads "Jesus is coming....RUE?"....except I think the "E" is supposed to be the color red (not faded out) so it's a play on "Are You Ready (Red "e")".

Isn't it hilarious now that I have explained it to you? And it really works well when the red ink fades out.....

Not technically a church sign....but crummy.

Keep
'em
coming.

Uh......no.

Ok, I am normally not into all of those MySpace surveys and games, but this one seemed rife with potential for side-splitting humor....until I realized that it was completely bogus. I don't look remotely like any of these people. And you're telling me a Victoria's Secret model is my #2 celebrity look-alike?!?!

If there wasn't a picture, we wouldn't believe it....

submitted by frequent contributor Wes Kenney, OK
And if you're REALLY quiet, you can hear a meteor hurtling towards this church and its sign.

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submitted by Jason Kranzusch, Jackson, MS. Originally posted on Jason's Blog.
I didn't know there was a huge church marketing opportunity in Mississippi for former rock stars. My best friend did see one of the guys from R.E.M. in a movie theater there once...but I don't think he's a Mennonite.

Yeah, I know, it's not technically a church sign, nor is it really crummy. I just think the name is as amusing as Jason does.

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"We become like those we spend time with."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
I guess that explains why I've been trying to wear my wife's dresses lately....



Thanks to Jason from the Axegrinder blog for the first time submission. I can't help but wish I had come up with the tagline "God's Favorite Smart-Aleck" before he did....

Keep 'em coming. And keep it down so I can hear God's voice, would you?!?