Poetry! And so much better than that whole "birds of the air/lilies of the field" garbarge. That one doesn't even rhyme.
(Maybe it's poetic license, but since when do we hyphenate compound words?)
"Jesus is the only one that can give you peace like a river that flows out from your soul."
Have you ever heard a 4-year old try and tell a long story? This sign sounds like that.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Back-To-Back Crumminess
both signs submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore AL
Rev. Hendrix found these two signs on back-to-back churches.
Okay, so let's get this math equation correct:
2*(gossip started by good people) = hate + murder + pride + gluttony + envy +...... + murder + racism + war + blasphemy+ .......... + comb-overs + wearing white shoes after Labor Day + ........
For real? Half?
No, don't look to God or the Bible. Look to THIS church. THIS one.
Pitiful.
Keep in touch.
Rev. Hendrix found these two signs on back-to-back churches.
Okay, so let's get this math equation correct:
2*(gossip started by good people) = hate + murder + pride + gluttony + envy +...... + murder + racism + war + blasphemy+ .......... + comb-overs + wearing white shoes after Labor Day + ........
For real? Half?
No, don't look to God or the Bible. Look to THIS church. THIS one.
Pitiful.
Keep in touch.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
The crummy proof is in the crummy pudding.
submitted by Kelly Quinn, Texas
Okay, I have already reviewed this sign. I just hardly believed it actually existed. Apparently, it does.
Wow.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
"You must get out of the boat to walk on the water."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And that's all it takes! Like Peter, the first time he tried it....
"God can turn your "efil" around."
submitted by Kyle Evans, Albertville, AL
And if I were looking to have my "efil" turned around, I would "diova" this church.
"Is 2006 the year you become a Christian?"
submitted by Kyle Evans, Albertville, AL
This is one of those signs where it just makes it too for a passer-by to answer "No".
Supposedly rhetorical questions are bad ideas on church signs as they are very easily dismissed. Why not just post "If you are not a Christian, would you ever visit this church with our silly sign?" You're gonna get the same answer.
"You think it's hot here...."
submitted by Laua Enfinger, Arizona
This is the fourth sign I have received from Arizona comparing it to hell. I don't think I plan on visiting there.
Keep sending 'em in!
And that's all it takes! Like Peter, the first time he tried it....
"God can turn your "efil" around."
submitted by Kyle Evans, Albertville, AL
And if I were looking to have my "efil" turned around, I would "diova" this church.
"Is 2006 the year you become a Christian?"
submitted by Kyle Evans, Albertville, AL
This is one of those signs where it just makes it too for a passer-by to answer "No".
Supposedly rhetorical questions are bad ideas on church signs as they are very easily dismissed. Why not just post "If you are not a Christian, would you ever visit this church with our silly sign?" You're gonna get the same answer.
"You think it's hot here...."
submitted by Laua Enfinger, Arizona
This is the fourth sign I have received from Arizona comparing it to hell. I don't think I plan on visiting there.
Keep sending 'em in!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
"Kill the Devil!"
submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
Can we......DO that? What's taken so long, then?
"Get it fixed in 2006"
submitted and reviewed by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
The same "it" from the Ebay commercials?
"ATM inside: Atonement, Truth, Mercy"
submitted by Jim Roach, St. Louis, MO
Bad theology. Atonement is not found inside of a church. It is available as a free gift of God. You may think I am being a stickler, but a little event called "The Reformation" came about over this very debate.
"Is anything to hard for God?"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
No. However, I am becoming increasingly convinced that proper grammar is "to" hard for His followers.
"Are you a light or a lampshade?"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Does anyone outside of the church even understand this metaphor? Non-believers who read some of this tripe must just think Christians are ridiculous sometimes.
"The key to heaven hung on a nail"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
"Well done, thou good and faithful servant. You somehow knew that the key to heaven hung on a nail, whatever the heck We meant by that. Enter now into the joy of the Lord."
"Get right or get left."
submitted by Robert Adams
Old-school crummy! Let's make a pun about eternal damnation. It's fun!
Pop quiz for Christians (answers in italics) :
Explain what "get right" means in the context of this sign. (Stop sinning now.)
OK, what does "get left" mean in the context of this sign? (Don't go to heaven.)
What does one have to do with the other? (Nothing. At all. Read a Bible.)
"If your life is a TV commercial, what product are you selling?"
submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
It was easier for me to make a list of products that I am obviously NOT selling:
1. Rogaine.
2. MetRX weight gain supplements.
3. Armor All Car Wax.
4. Crest White Strips (.....my wife quipped. She's a hoot, that one!)
(This review probably meant nothing to my regular readers who don't know me personally. To the ones who do know me personally, it was probably pretty darn funny.)
I can hardly keep up with all of the submissions! Thanks to everyone for making this blog a success, and keep sending them in!!
Can we......DO that? What's taken so long, then?
"Get it fixed in 2006"
submitted and reviewed by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
The same "it" from the Ebay commercials?
"ATM inside: Atonement, Truth, Mercy"
submitted by Jim Roach, St. Louis, MO
Bad theology. Atonement is not found inside of a church. It is available as a free gift of God. You may think I am being a stickler, but a little event called "The Reformation" came about over this very debate.
"Is anything to hard for God?"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
No. However, I am becoming increasingly convinced that proper grammar is "to" hard for His followers.
"Are you a light or a lampshade?"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Does anyone outside of the church even understand this metaphor? Non-believers who read some of this tripe must just think Christians are ridiculous sometimes.
"The key to heaven hung on a nail"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
"Well done, thou good and faithful servant. You somehow knew that the key to heaven hung on a nail, whatever the heck We meant by that. Enter now into the joy of the Lord."
"Get right or get left."
submitted by Robert Adams
Old-school crummy! Let's make a pun about eternal damnation. It's fun!
Pop quiz for Christians (answers in italics) :
Explain what "get right" means in the context of this sign. (Stop sinning now.)
OK, what does "get left" mean in the context of this sign? (Don't go to heaven.)
What does one have to do with the other? (Nothing. At all. Read a Bible.)
"If your life is a TV commercial, what product are you selling?"
submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
It was easier for me to make a list of products that I am obviously NOT selling:
1. Rogaine.
2. MetRX weight gain supplements.
3. Armor All Car Wax.
4. Crest White Strips (.....my wife quipped. She's a hoot, that one!)
(This review probably meant nothing to my regular readers who don't know me personally. To the ones who do know me personally, it was probably pretty darn funny.)
I can hardly keep up with all of the submissions! Thanks to everyone for making this blog a success, and keep sending them in!!
What about a morgue for the devil?
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
There's just so.....much....wrong with this sign.
a) Who likes visiting a hospital, anyhow?
b) Nobody stays at a hospital. You get better and leave. Same with this church?
c) Are elderly church members now bad in some way? Should they be forced to leave? Get some "fresh blood" in there?
Boooooooo on Presley St. Baptist, wherever you are.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
"Trespassers will be converted"
Why don't they just add, "...and, trust us, you sure don't want that to happen." Sheesh.
"No time to pray makes easy p-r-e-y ."
Yeah, I g-e-t it. You don't have to s-p-e-l-l out every s-t-u-p-i-d play on words.
"There are signs from heaven, and there are signs like this one."
Who is benefitting from these words being there? They aren't even pretend-funny. They don't encourage people to attend. They don't have any truth attached to them. Why are they there? Who took the time to put them there? This church is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. And I would avoid it like the plague if I were church-hunting.
"Avoid truth decay: read the KJV"
submitted by Ryan on the www.churchmarketingsucks.com comment section
So 400 some-odd years of education and historical discovery means that we are worse at translating ancient texts? Okay......
"The deadliest WMD is the tongue"
submitted by Kellaura Jones, Houston, TX
Someone should tell our current administration this. I bet they actually could find some tongues in Iraq.
If I may analyze a crappy analogy: isn't gossip and rumor (I assume this is what they mean by "the tongue") more aptly described as a sniper rather than a WMD? Usually gossip deeply hurts one or two people rather than an entire population. Sure, it's deadly. But mass destruction?
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
submitted by Kellaura Jones, Houston, TX.
Sorry guys, bad theology: Christians shouldn't have a clear conscience. A clear conscience comes from the knowledge that you have done nothing wrong, or perhaps that you have done a great deal right. You haven't.
A Christian should have the knowledge that he/she is deeply flawed, yet forgiven in Christ. If someone has a clear conscience, he/she runs the risk of forgetting the price that was paid for his/her rebellion. Be forgiven, be thankful, and don't dwell on your past sins, but don't have a clear conscience. You have done nothing to earn it. You can, however, have a forgiven/redeemed/sanctified conscience and it's the best thing in the world.
Long-time visitors may have noticed some changes to the site. I have added links to worthwhile and/or interesting organizations to the sidebar on the right and at the bottom of the page. If you are bored (and you're reading my site, so the odds are good), go visit one of them.
I have also added Google adverts to the top of the page. I think if 50 million people click on those links, they send me a check for $3.50 or something. So don't even bother.
Thanks for the input, and keep the signs coming!!
"No time to pray makes easy p-r-e-y ."
Yeah, I g-e-t it. You don't have to s-p-e-l-l out every s-t-u-p-i-d play on words.
"There are signs from heaven, and there are signs like this one."
Who is benefitting from these words being there? They aren't even pretend-funny. They don't encourage people to attend. They don't have any truth attached to them. Why are they there? Who took the time to put them there? This church is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. And I would avoid it like the plague if I were church-hunting.
"Avoid truth decay: read the KJV"
submitted by Ryan on the www.churchmarketingsucks.com comment section
So 400 some-odd years of education and historical discovery means that we are worse at translating ancient texts? Okay......
"The deadliest WMD is the tongue"
submitted by Kellaura Jones, Houston, TX
Someone should tell our current administration this. I bet they actually could find some tongues in Iraq.
If I may analyze a crappy analogy: isn't gossip and rumor (I assume this is what they mean by "the tongue") more aptly described as a sniper rather than a WMD? Usually gossip deeply hurts one or two people rather than an entire population. Sure, it's deadly. But mass destruction?
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
submitted by Kellaura Jones, Houston, TX.
Sorry guys, bad theology: Christians shouldn't have a clear conscience. A clear conscience comes from the knowledge that you have done nothing wrong, or perhaps that you have done a great deal right. You haven't.
A Christian should have the knowledge that he/she is deeply flawed, yet forgiven in Christ. If someone has a clear conscience, he/she runs the risk of forgetting the price that was paid for his/her rebellion. Be forgiven, be thankful, and don't dwell on your past sins, but don't have a clear conscience. You have done nothing to earn it. You can, however, have a forgiven/redeemed/sanctified conscience and it's the best thing in the world.
Long-time visitors may have noticed some changes to the site. I have added links to worthwhile and/or interesting organizations to the sidebar on the right and at the bottom of the page. If you are bored (and you're reading my site, so the odds are good), go visit one of them.
I have also added Google adverts to the top of the page. I think if 50 million people click on those links, they send me a check for $3.50 or something. So don't even bother.
Thanks for the input, and keep the signs coming!!
Monday, January 9, 2006
"Living With Power in 2006"
"Living With Confidence in 2006"
"Living With Consideration in 2006"
(a series of 3 consecutive church signs in 3 consecutive weeks)
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Galatians 5:22: "And the fruits of the Spirit are Power, Confidence, Consideration....." Or not.
"New Pastor, New Look. Come in and see!"
submitted by Eric Skaggs, Massilon, OH
As Eric pointed out in his email....this sign just kind of makes you wonder what happened with the old pastor that made them not only get rid of him, but totally redecorate as well.
"Troubles, like babies, grow through nursing."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Steve Lopez, Ozark, MO
So.....troubles suck? I already knew that!
"Will the road your on get you to my place? - God"
The fact that the author of the church sign can't even study basic grammar doesn't cause me to hold out a lot of hope for his or her study of theology. Your = possessive. You're = "you are".
"Instead of looking forward or backward, try looking upward!"
Possibly not the best advice to give to people who are driving past your church. As my friend John said, "What if I don't have a sunroof?"
"If Christ offends you, imagine what hell will do."
submitted by Bruce and Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I know it's early, but we have a leader in the clubhouse for the title of "Worst Sign of 2006". Only in America can we get a church sign to favorably compare Christ and hell. And, yeah, I know what they were trying to say...that doesn't count because most unchurched people wouldn't. Time for this church to pull it's head out of it's &^%%$ and quit offending me. :)
"Faith is a journey, not a destination."
And speaking of Journey, the other side of the sign read, "Don't stop....beleeeeeevin'....."
...actually that's a lie. That sign would have been much better than what was actually on the other side. The other side read:
"Be quiet enough to hear God whisper"
...because God isn't loud enough when he wants to be. It's up to YOU to get close enough.
Great idea for the .0001% of people who are strong enough to stay close to God on their own. As for me, I am going to have to rely on God's strength to keep me close enough. And for God to be loud enough to get through my thick skull.
Happy new year everyone! Keep the crummy signs coming!
"Living With Consideration in 2006"
(a series of 3 consecutive church signs in 3 consecutive weeks)
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Galatians 5:22: "And the fruits of the Spirit are Power, Confidence, Consideration....." Or not.
"New Pastor, New Look. Come in and see!"
submitted by Eric Skaggs, Massilon, OH
As Eric pointed out in his email....this sign just kind of makes you wonder what happened with the old pastor that made them not only get rid of him, but totally redecorate as well.
"Troubles, like babies, grow through nursing."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Steve Lopez, Ozark, MO
So.....troubles suck? I already knew that!
"Will the road your on get you to my place? - God"
The fact that the author of the church sign can't even study basic grammar doesn't cause me to hold out a lot of hope for his or her study of theology. Your = possessive. You're = "you are".
"Instead of looking forward or backward, try looking upward!"
Possibly not the best advice to give to people who are driving past your church. As my friend John said, "What if I don't have a sunroof?"
"If Christ offends you, imagine what hell will do."
submitted by Bruce and Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I know it's early, but we have a leader in the clubhouse for the title of "Worst Sign of 2006". Only in America can we get a church sign to favorably compare Christ and hell. And, yeah, I know what they were trying to say...that doesn't count because most unchurched people wouldn't. Time for this church to pull it's head out of it's &^%%$ and quit offending me. :)
"Faith is a journey, not a destination."
And speaking of Journey, the other side of the sign read, "Don't stop....beleeeeeevin'....."
...actually that's a lie. That sign would have been much better than what was actually on the other side. The other side read:
"Be quiet enough to hear God whisper"
...because God isn't loud enough when he wants to be. It's up to YOU to get close enough.
Great idea for the .0001% of people who are strong enough to stay close to God on their own. As for me, I am going to have to rely on God's strength to keep me close enough. And for God to be loud enough to get through my thick skull.
Happy new year everyone! Keep the crummy signs coming!
Monday, December 19, 2005
Merry Christmas, Everyone!
submitted by Adam Vogel, Oklahoma
The kind of person whose sole reason for existence is to clean up poop?
"Don't major in minor things"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
...like reviewing church signs?
"God sent his son to earth. Where is He sending you?"
At the time, He was sending me to the gas station to fill up. Thanks for asking!
Merry Christmas to everyone! Try to remember those who are less fortunate this holiday season. Please keep sending in the signs!
Sunday, December 11, 2005
"Adult Christmas Pageant, Sunday at 6:00"
"Adult" as an adjective has taken new meaning in 21st century America. Let's not use it to describe our Christmas pageants, no matter what we mean by it.
Wednesday, December 7, 2005
"As my apprentice, you're never fired. - God"
submitted AND reviewed by JHall
Unless, of course, your name happens to be Lucifer.
(By the way, funniest ever user-submitted review, JHall. Usually I just rewrite, rework, or completely ignore whatever reviews get sent in, because I want the tone of voice consistent throughout the blog. But I wasn't touching that one. HILARIOUS!)
"Jesus is a major part of Christmas."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Do tell! In the same way that Lincoln and Washington are major parts of President's Day?
"Come Sunday and hear about Joseph and the ultimate desparate housewife."
submitted by Miriam Redmond, Murfreesboro, TN
Man, Eva Longoria really is everywhere these days. I swear I think they cloned her.
"Two hours clean-up labor in exchange for one Sunday church attendance here."
submitted by Steve Spearman, Georgia
Steve reports that this was seen after a bad tornado in the Georgia area. So, WWJD? Use bribery, apparently.
Now that I think about it, Jesus really could have helped his ministry in this way. Imagine how many disciples he could have had if he had made all those blind or leprous beggars DO something for their healings. You want to see again, Barnabas? Take that sack of food from poor Andrew over there and follow us. Lame guy, you want your left leg back? Take this sack of laundry over to that pool and get busy scrubbing. Instead, all Jesus does is give stuff away freely, instead of making those poor saps earn their keep. They did absolutely nothing at all to earn His favor! Almost like he was trying to tell us something, show us some bigger lesson to be learned...............
....................nah, couldn't be.
Keep 'em coming.
PS: Thanks to Miriam, first contributor from my home church other than my family :)
Unless, of course, your name happens to be Lucifer.
(By the way, funniest ever user-submitted review, JHall. Usually I just rewrite, rework, or completely ignore whatever reviews get sent in, because I want the tone of voice consistent throughout the blog. But I wasn't touching that one. HILARIOUS!)
"Jesus is a major part of Christmas."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Do tell! In the same way that Lincoln and Washington are major parts of President's Day?
"Come Sunday and hear about Joseph and the ultimate desparate housewife."
submitted by Miriam Redmond, Murfreesboro, TN
Man, Eva Longoria really is everywhere these days. I swear I think they cloned her.
"Two hours clean-up labor in exchange for one Sunday church attendance here."
submitted by Steve Spearman, Georgia
Steve reports that this was seen after a bad tornado in the Georgia area. So, WWJD? Use bribery, apparently.
Now that I think about it, Jesus really could have helped his ministry in this way. Imagine how many disciples he could have had if he had made all those blind or leprous beggars DO something for their healings. You want to see again, Barnabas? Take that sack of food from poor Andrew over there and follow us. Lame guy, you want your left leg back? Take this sack of laundry over to that pool and get busy scrubbing. Instead, all Jesus does is give stuff away freely, instead of making those poor saps earn their keep. They did absolutely nothing at all to earn His favor! Almost like he was trying to tell us something, show us some bigger lesson to be learned...............
....................nah, couldn't be.
Keep 'em coming.
PS: Thanks to Miriam, first contributor from my home church other than my family :)
Friday, December 2, 2005
"When you run out of sick days and call in dead, who will answer?"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called...and they're outta YOU!
PS: If you didn't get that one, watch more Seinfeld.
"Pessimists need a kick in the can'ts"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And church sign writers need a kick in the....
By the way, has this church read the Bible? Those prophets tended to some pessimism from time to time. I think there's a place and a time for some pessimism, you know? Appropriately, of course.
Anyhow...
"Egotism is obesity of the head."
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Do they have another sign that says "Gluttony is obesity of the butt"? Let's make a church sign for every sin, just in case we don't "convict" everyone who drives by. "Lust is obesity of the....." OK... never mind.
"O Come All Ye Faithful...and Not So Faithful."
submitted by Jenn Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And completely unfaithful. You come too. Bring the spinach dip.
"Come Worship At the Side Door: Contemporary. Casual. Cool."
submitted by theKeez, Richmond, VA
YES! The 3 most important things!! All in one place!!
(Also, anyone care to bet that they only really achieve the second of those three adjectives? I've got a twenty on it.)
"SEASONS CHANGE
GOD DOESN'T
WELCOME"
submitted by supernet, Mt. Eaton, Ohio
A little punctuation goes a loooooong ways, folks.
"Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives."
submitted by David Jacks, East Texas
So, welcome to our church, those of you who haven't looked at your Bible in a while. We are completely superior to you in every way. Would you like a bulletin?
"Got Jesus?"
submitted and assisted reveiwed by Allison, Greeneville, SC
What, was the Taco Bell dog not available? Yo quiero Jèsus! I wonder when Christianity will catch up to the mainstream and only be....I dunno.....only 5 years behind every current trend, rather than the current 10 to 15.
Better yet, why doesn't Christianity suck it up and actually try and get AHEAD of the trends. We claim to be tapped in to the most creative being EVER, so perhaps we can use that to our advantage, rather than pathetically aping every lame trend that Hollywood and Madison Ave. throw at us. I can't even walk into a "Christian" bookstore any longer without throwing up in my mouth just a little bit. Every ridiculous t-shirt, bumper sticker, self-help book (grrr...), and newly released CD that copies 1994's favorite secular band makes me wish a little harder for the Lord's return...if only to save us from ourselves.
Thanks to my family, who came through in the clutch on this batch of submissions with 4 big ones! Unfortunately, it appears that the Nashville area is turning into a breeding ground of CRAP when it comes to church signs. Thanks to everyone else who submitted as well.
KEEP 'EM COMING
Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called...and they're outta YOU!
PS: If you didn't get that one, watch more Seinfeld.
"Pessimists need a kick in the can'ts"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And church sign writers need a kick in the....
By the way, has this church read the Bible? Those prophets tended to some pessimism from time to time. I think there's a place and a time for some pessimism, you know? Appropriately, of course.
Anyhow...
"Egotism is obesity of the head."
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Do they have another sign that says "Gluttony is obesity of the butt"? Let's make a church sign for every sin, just in case we don't "convict" everyone who drives by. "Lust is obesity of the....." OK... never mind.
"O Come All Ye Faithful...and Not So Faithful."
submitted by Jenn Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And completely unfaithful. You come too. Bring the spinach dip.
"Come Worship At the Side Door: Contemporary. Casual. Cool."
submitted by theKeez, Richmond, VA
YES! The 3 most important things!! All in one place!!
(Also, anyone care to bet that they only really achieve the second of those three adjectives? I've got a twenty on it.)
"SEASONS CHANGE
GOD DOESN'T
WELCOME"
submitted by supernet, Mt. Eaton, Ohio
A little punctuation goes a loooooong ways, folks.
"Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives."
submitted by David Jacks, East Texas
So, welcome to our church, those of you who haven't looked at your Bible in a while. We are completely superior to you in every way. Would you like a bulletin?
"Got Jesus?"
submitted and assisted reveiwed by Allison, Greeneville, SC
What, was the Taco Bell dog not available? Yo quiero Jèsus! I wonder when Christianity will catch up to the mainstream and only be....I dunno.....only 5 years behind every current trend, rather than the current 10 to 15.
Better yet, why doesn't Christianity suck it up and actually try and get AHEAD of the trends. We claim to be tapped in to the most creative being EVER, so perhaps we can use that to our advantage, rather than pathetically aping every lame trend that Hollywood and Madison Ave. throw at us. I can't even walk into a "Christian" bookstore any longer without throwing up in my mouth just a little bit. Every ridiculous t-shirt, bumper sticker, self-help book (grrr...), and newly released CD that copies 1994's favorite secular band makes me wish a little harder for the Lord's return...if only to save us from ourselves.
Thanks to my family, who came through in the clutch on this batch of submissions with 4 big ones! Unfortunately, it appears that the Nashville area is turning into a breeding ground of CRAP when it comes to church signs. Thanks to everyone else who submitted as well.
KEEP 'EM COMING
Friday, November 25, 2005
"Jesus: The OTHER Reason for the Season."
submitted by David Jacks, East Texas
I think they attempted some sarcasm here. I think it didn't work.
(Note to all church sign writers: Sarcasm is very hard to convey in writing. Check out this example:
"Boy, that church sign doesn't suck!"
I obviously mean that the above church sign does, in fact, suck. If you could have heard how I dictated the sentence in my head, you would have known that. However, it is very hard to convey tone of voice in writing, especially on such a limited medium as the church sign. Please stop trying.)
"Jesus is coming back soon. Look busy!"
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com
Okay, so:
a) We are going to trick Jesus into thinking we have been doing good works all this time. Because He hasn't been paying attention?
and
b) Those good works will have some input into my eternal salvation. As opposed to say, I don't know......grace, or something.
That's what I get from this sign. Anybody else?
"Jesus pain is your gain."
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com
Wow, cool. Maybe Jesus can get a Gatorade endorsement.
"When you doubt."
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com
Is this like one of those "progressive dinners", except on church signs? Did I miss the first half of this sentence on a church a few blocks away? Or should I continue looking for the last half?
Thanks to the new contributors. Keep 'em coming.
I think they attempted some sarcasm here. I think it didn't work.
(Note to all church sign writers: Sarcasm is very hard to convey in writing. Check out this example:
"Boy, that church sign doesn't suck!"
I obviously mean that the above church sign does, in fact, suck. If you could have heard how I dictated the sentence in my head, you would have known that. However, it is very hard to convey tone of voice in writing, especially on such a limited medium as the church sign. Please stop trying.)
"Jesus is coming back soon. Look busy!"
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com
Okay, so:
a) We are going to trick Jesus into thinking we have been doing good works all this time. Because He hasn't been paying attention?
and
b) Those good works will have some input into my eternal salvation. As opposed to say, I don't know......grace, or something.
That's what I get from this sign. Anybody else?
"Jesus pain is your gain."
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com
Wow, cool. Maybe Jesus can get a Gatorade endorsement.
"When you doubt."
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com
Is this like one of those "progressive dinners", except on church signs? Did I miss the first half of this sentence on a church a few blocks away? Or should I continue looking for the last half?
Thanks to the new contributors. Keep 'em coming.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Best Church Sign Ever!
Visit This Link.
Just a little church sign humor for the Thanksgiving season.
Found via my friends at Church Marketing Sucks
Enjoy. :)
Just a little church sign humor for the Thanksgiving season.
Found via my friends at Church Marketing Sucks
Enjoy. :)
"What Would Jesus say to Britney Spears?"
submitted by Elizabeth Stewart and Jona & Tish from Decatur, GA
You mean besides "Please get your tubes tied."? Not sure. But he is probably telling you and I to pay more attention to the things he is telling you and I and less attention to what he is saying to overhyped celebrities.
"Eight words that can change your life."
submitted by Jeff Keezel
Actually, that's only 7. And honestly, they really didn't do that much for me.
"Our God is a consuming fire."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Okay, normally I am OK with Scripture on a church sign. But can we get some context for the unchurched, PLEASE?!?! Pyro from the X-Men is a consuming fire as well...does that mean I should worship him too, or what?
"Fresh as water or dried up and dusty."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Who is? Or what is? And what about salt water? What is this sign talking about? My head hurts.
"Hungry? Try one of our Sundays!"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Niiiice play on words. Clever. *rolls eyes*
By the way, what if some legitimately hungry people do show up on Sunday? Do you think they have enough food around to feed them? "Oh....we were just sort of... joking around. Sorry." Great witness, guys.
"3-0! Go Dores!"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
This is in reference to Vanderbilt University's 3-0 start to this year's football season. Is it divine retribution on this sign that they are now 4-6? What a waste of space on a sign. "Boy I wish I knew what time this church held their services.....but it's nice to know that they're Vandy fans."
"Parking for church business only. Violators will be baptized."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Yep. Our religion and form of worship is so bad we use it as a threat to keep people away from our building. Works like a charm.
Idiots.
By the way, I have had a few requests recently for a list of good church signs. Sorry, everyone....so much garbage to review, so little time.....
Thanks to the new readers who submitted signs this time, and thanks again to my regular submitters, less and less of whom are my immediate family members.
Keep sending them in. 400+ visitors a week to the site! I should get a bunch more crummy submissions! Remember to read the archives for more great reviews.
You mean besides "Please get your tubes tied."? Not sure. But he is probably telling you and I to pay more attention to the things he is telling you and I and less attention to what he is saying to overhyped celebrities.
"Eight words that can change your life."
submitted by Jeff Keezel
Actually, that's only 7. And honestly, they really didn't do that much for me.
"Our God is a consuming fire."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Okay, normally I am OK with Scripture on a church sign. But can we get some context for the unchurched, PLEASE?!?! Pyro from the X-Men is a consuming fire as well...does that mean I should worship him too, or what?
"Fresh as water or dried up and dusty."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Who is? Or what is? And what about salt water? What is this sign talking about? My head hurts.
"Hungry? Try one of our Sundays!"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Niiiice play on words. Clever. *rolls eyes*
By the way, what if some legitimately hungry people do show up on Sunday? Do you think they have enough food around to feed them? "Oh....we were just sort of... joking around. Sorry." Great witness, guys.
"3-0! Go Dores!"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
This is in reference to Vanderbilt University's 3-0 start to this year's football season. Is it divine retribution on this sign that they are now 4-6? What a waste of space on a sign. "Boy I wish I knew what time this church held their services.....but it's nice to know that they're Vandy fans."
"Parking for church business only. Violators will be baptized."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Yep. Our religion and form of worship is so bad we use it as a threat to keep people away from our building. Works like a charm.
Idiots.
By the way, I have had a few requests recently for a list of good church signs. Sorry, everyone....so much garbage to review, so little time.....
Thanks to the new readers who submitted signs this time, and thanks again to my regular submitters, less and less of whom are my immediate family members.
Keep sending them in. 400+ visitors a week to the site! I should get a bunch more crummy submissions! Remember to read the archives for more great reviews.
Monday, November 7, 2005
"Even Jesus was into body piercing!!"
submitted AND reviewed by Dale Gehris, Springfield, MO
I'm sure people stop in all the time and say, "Hey! I just saw that clever little saying on your church sign. So I thought, 'You guys are contemporaryand relevant! You certainly speak my language!' So here I am! I figured I'd stop in on my way home from work and find out how to be saved. Oh, by the way, does this look infected to you?"
"Addicted to pornography? Join us Sunday morning at 10:30!"
submitted by Dale Gehris, Springfield, MO
See the baptismal tank used like you've never seen it used before!! The youth/college/singles groups probably showed up in record numbers this week!
PS: They are probably talking about Porn Sunday, a very worthwhile program put together by the good folds at www.xxxchurch.com But they should really be more specific on their church sign. Check them out if you haven't heard of them.
"God couldn't be everywhere, so He created mothers"
submitted by Kelly Quinn, East Texas
I picture this saying paired with a little cartoony drawing of God with a grey beard and a toga, kicking back in a lawn chair with a strawberry daiquiri while the almighty Mother takes care of all of earth's problems. Bah! Take this $&#% off of our church signs and put it on a $0.99 "Shoebox Greetings" card where it belongs.
I'm sure people stop in all the time and say, "Hey! I just saw that clever little saying on your church sign. So I thought, 'You guys are contemporaryand relevant! You certainly speak my language!' So here I am! I figured I'd stop in on my way home from work and find out how to be saved. Oh, by the way, does this look infected to you?"
"Addicted to pornography? Join us Sunday morning at 10:30!"
submitted by Dale Gehris, Springfield, MO
See the baptismal tank used like you've never seen it used before!! The youth/college/singles groups probably showed up in record numbers this week!
PS: They are probably talking about Porn Sunday, a very worthwhile program put together by the good folds at www.xxxchurch.com But they should really be more specific on their church sign. Check them out if you haven't heard of them.
"God couldn't be everywhere, so He created mothers"
submitted by Kelly Quinn, East Texas
I picture this saying paired with a little cartoony drawing of God with a grey beard and a toga, kicking back in a lawn chair with a strawberry daiquiri while the almighty Mother takes care of all of earth's problems. Bah! Take this $&#% off of our church signs and put it on a $0.99 "Shoebox Greetings" card where it belongs.
Thursday, November 3, 2005
I'M BACK! (...and look at the crap I'm bringin' with me!)
submitted by Jeff Keezel
This crummy church sign proudly brought to you by A Completely Different Religion Other Than Christianity.
"Come use our newly decorated bathrooms"
submitted by Jane Kelly, Cincinatti, Ohio
I wonder if they would be so excited if you decided to take them up on their offer at 1:15 on a Thursday afternoon.
"We are looking for a gifted keyboardist"
submitted by Jane Kelly, Cincinatti, Ohio
....because our current one sucks??
"Don't make me come down there : God"
submitted by Matt Henry, Kenosha, Wisconsin
And CERTAINLY don't make me send my Holy Spirit.......wait.........
"It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark"
submitted AND reviewed by Steve Jolly
This warning must "flood" the church with visitors every Sunday.
"Why be Catholic?"
submitted by Murphtronic
Murphtronic says he saw this sign on a Catholic church sign. Ya know, if they can't think of a good reason, then I sure as heck can't either.
"Need a new look? Get your faith lifted here!"
submitted by Tim Grasham
I can't believe I haven't reviewed this one yet, but a quick scan of the Archives (please read for many other reviews!) says that I haven't. Huh. Wonders never cease.
There are enough shallow and insecure people out there to actually think that a little faith might help them look better. Let's not encourage that, hmmm?
"You have problems. Jesus is the answer. Meet Him here on Sunday."
submitted AND reviewed by Official Church Sign Deputy, the Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
All day? Will there be coffee? Is he signing his new book? Does he take credit cards? If I miss him, is that the only place I can meet him?
Sorry for the delay in posting, everyone. Though I must admit, it's nice to have fans :) I will try to be more punctual from now on. Thanks for the support, and keep 'em coming!!!
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
"Lighthouses blow no horn. They only shine."
submitted by Rev. Hendrix, Atmore, Alabama
Crummy church signs shine no light. They only blow.
Sometimes this is just too easy.
Crummy church signs shine no light. They only blow.
Sometimes this is just too easy.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
"Jesus or Satan: Who are you following?"
submitted and assistant reviewed by Jhall
This week only: Vote for your favorite review! Send you vote to joelbezaire@yahoo.com
Okay, here's the review:
It must be Satan, because Jesus...
a) ...would use his turn signal.
b) ...wouldn't drive a minivan.
c) ...wouldn't have that "W" sticker on His car.
Okay, thanks for the recent deluge of church signs, guys. Jhall, Emily and Jenn are on the ball, joining Rev. Hendrix in the Frequent Contributor club. Thanks to first time contributor Jonathan. Read on......
"Sinners Anonymous meets here every Sunday at 10:30"
submitted by JHall
Well, when they reach Step Nine, they better $&^!% well apologize to me for this sign.
"God called: it's time for you to come home."
submitted by JHall
Okay, if God (being God, after all), can't bother to look up my cell number or find me in person or something, I don't think I am going to pay to much attention to any message he leaves on my machine or with a roommate....or with a completely strange church.
"How Do You Know God?"
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Do you think they really meant to put the "How" on this sign? Seems confusing....and odd....and off-putting.
"Your Words are a Window To Your Heart."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Wait, I thought my eyes were the window to my soul? Or are both true? I'm confused....
"God is the only right thing in a wrong world."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
A sign that is sure to draw in the disillusioned and heartbroken!
"Come on in...we have prayer conditioning!"
submitted and reviewed by Jonathan Powell, Huntsville, AL
I swear I have reviewed this one before, but for the life of me, I can't find it in the archives OR remember my review. So here goes a new one, courtesy of Jonathan:
Prayer. Like air. Funny. Ha ha.
Couldn'ta said it any better myself :)
Keep 'em coming, and remember to vote for your favorite review above.
This week only: Vote for your favorite review! Send you vote to joelbezaire@yahoo.com
Okay, here's the review:
It must be Satan, because Jesus...
a) ...would use his turn signal.
b) ...wouldn't drive a minivan.
c) ...wouldn't have that "W" sticker on His car.
Okay, thanks for the recent deluge of church signs, guys. Jhall, Emily and Jenn are on the ball, joining Rev. Hendrix in the Frequent Contributor club. Thanks to first time contributor Jonathan. Read on......
"Sinners Anonymous meets here every Sunday at 10:30"
submitted by JHall
Well, when they reach Step Nine, they better $&^!% well apologize to me for this sign.
"God called: it's time for you to come home."
submitted by JHall
Okay, if God (being God, after all), can't bother to look up my cell number or find me in person or something, I don't think I am going to pay to much attention to any message he leaves on my machine or with a roommate....or with a completely strange church.
"How Do You Know God?"
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Do you think they really meant to put the "How" on this sign? Seems confusing....and odd....and off-putting.
"Your Words are a Window To Your Heart."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Wait, I thought my eyes were the window to my soul? Or are both true? I'm confused....
"God is the only right thing in a wrong world."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
A sign that is sure to draw in the disillusioned and heartbroken!
"Come on in...we have prayer conditioning!"
submitted and reviewed by Jonathan Powell, Huntsville, AL
I swear I have reviewed this one before, but for the life of me, I can't find it in the archives OR remember my review. So here goes a new one, courtesy of Jonathan:
Prayer. Like air. Funny. Ha ha.
Couldn'ta said it any better myself :)
Keep 'em coming, and remember to vote for your favorite review above.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
"Be thankful for small blessings"
submitted and reviewed by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
...because, when you think about it, we really don't have any big blessings to be thankful for.
"You can avoid Jesus now, but you can't avoid hell later."
And this church can't avoid putting ridiculous signs up week after week. This church is on the way to my parents' house, and its like a never-ending parade of inane Christianese pseudo-theology. Complete rubbish, in other words.
And, by the way: can we really avoid Jesus now? Where's the Holy Spirit in all that?
And Rev. Hendrix is quickly becoming the most regular and enthusiastic contributor. Thanks. Everyone else, get on the ball and send in some more church signs :)
...because, when you think about it, we really don't have any big blessings to be thankful for.
"You can avoid Jesus now, but you can't avoid hell later."
And this church can't avoid putting ridiculous signs up week after week. This church is on the way to my parents' house, and its like a never-ending parade of inane Christianese pseudo-theology. Complete rubbish, in other words.
And, by the way: can we really avoid Jesus now? Where's the Holy Spirit in all that?
And Rev. Hendrix is quickly becoming the most regular and enthusiastic contributor. Thanks. Everyone else, get on the ball and send in some more church signs :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)