Merry Christmas, Everyone!

submitted by Adam Vogel, Oklahoma
The kind of person whose sole reason for existence is to clean up poop?

"Don't major in minor things"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
...like reviewing church signs?

"God sent his son to earth. Where is He sending you?"
At the time, He was sending me to the gas station to fill up. Thanks for asking!


Merry Christmas to everyone! Try to remember those who are less fortunate this holiday season. Please keep sending in the signs!

"Adult Christmas Pageant, Sunday at 6:00"

"Adult" as an adjective has taken new meaning in 21st century America. Let's not use it to describe our Christmas pageants, no matter what we mean by it.

"As my apprentice, you're never fired. - God"

submitted AND reviewed by JHall
Unless, of course, your name happens to be Lucifer.

(By the way, funniest ever user-submitted review, JHall. Usually I just rewrite, rework, or completely ignore whatever reviews get sent in, because I want the tone of voice consistent throughout the blog. But I wasn't touching that one. HILARIOUS!)

"Jesus is a major part of Christmas."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Do tell! In the same way that Lincoln and Washington are major parts of President's Day?

"Come Sunday and hear about Joseph and the ultimate desparate housewife."
submitted by Miriam Redmond, Murfreesboro, TN
Man, Eva Longoria really is everywhere these days. I swear I think they cloned her.

"Two hours clean-up labor in exchange for one Sunday church attendance here."
submitted by Steve Spearman, Georgia
Steve reports that this was seen after a bad tornado in the Georgia area. So, WWJD? Use bribery, apparently.

Now that I think about it, Jesus really could have helped his ministry in this way. Imagine how many disciples he could have had if he had made all those blind or leprous beggars DO something for their healings. You want to see again, Barnabas? Take that sack of food from poor Andrew over there and follow us. Lame guy, you want your left leg back? Take this sack of laundry over to that pool and get busy scrubbing. Instead, all Jesus does is give stuff away freely, instead of making those poor saps earn their keep. They did absolutely nothing at all to earn His favor! Almost like he was trying to tell us something, show us some bigger lesson to be learned...............

....................nah, couldn't be.

Keep 'em coming.

PS: Thanks to Miriam, first contributor from my home church other than my family :)

"When you run out of sick days and call in dead, who will answer?"

submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called...and they're outta YOU!

PS: If you didn't get that one, watch more Seinfeld.


"Pessimists need a kick in the can'ts"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And church sign writers need a kick in the....

By the way, has this church read the Bible? Those prophets tended to some pessimism from time to time. I think there's a place and a time for some pessimism, you know? Appropriately, of course.

Anyhow...


"Egotism is obesity of the head."
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Do they have another sign that says "Gluttony is obesity of the butt"? Let's make a church sign for every sin, just in case we don't "convict" everyone who drives by. "Lust is obesity of the....." OK... never mind.


"O Come All Ye Faithful...and Not So Faithful."
submitted by Jenn Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And completely unfaithful. You come too. Bring the spinach dip.


"Come Worship At the Side Door: Contemporary. Casual. Cool."
submitted by theKeez, Richmond, VA
YES! The 3 most important things!! All in one place!!

(Also, anyone care to bet that they only really achieve the second of those three adjectives? I've got a twenty on it.)


"SEASONS CHANGE
GOD DOESN'T
WELCOME"
submitted by supernet, Mt. Eaton, Ohio
A little punctuation goes a loooooong ways, folks.


"Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives."
submitted by David Jacks, East Texas
So, welcome to our church, those of you who haven't looked at your Bible in a while. We are completely superior to you in every way. Would you like a bulletin?


"Got Jesus?"
submitted and assisted reveiwed by Allison, Greeneville, SC
What, was the Taco Bell dog not available? Yo quiero Jèsus! I wonder when Christianity will catch up to the mainstream and only be....I dunno.....only 5 years behind every current trend, rather than the current 10 to 15.

Better yet, why doesn't Christianity suck it up and actually try and get AHEAD of the trends. We claim to be tapped in to the most creative being EVER, so perhaps we can use that to our advantage, rather than pathetically aping every lame trend that Hollywood and Madison Ave. throw at us. I can't even walk into a "Christian" bookstore any longer without throwing up in my mouth just a little bit. Every ridiculous t-shirt, bumper sticker, self-help book (grrr...), and newly released CD that copies 1994's favorite secular band makes me wish a little harder for the Lord's return...if only to save us from ourselves.


Thanks to my family, who came through in the clutch on this batch of submissions with 4 big ones! Unfortunately, it appears that the Nashville area is turning into a breeding ground of CRAP when it comes to church signs. Thanks to everyone else who submitted as well.

KEEP 'EM COMING

"Jesus: The OTHER Reason for the Season."

submitted by David Jacks, East Texas
I think they attempted some sarcasm here. I think it didn't work.

(Note to all church sign writers: Sarcasm is very hard to convey in writing. Check out this example:

"Boy, that church sign doesn't suck!"

I obviously mean that the above church sign does, in fact, suck. If you could have heard how I dictated the sentence in my head, you would have known that. However, it is very hard to convey tone of voice in writing, especially on such a limited medium as the church sign. Please stop trying.)


"Jesus is coming back soon. Look busy!"
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com

Okay, so:

a) We are going to trick Jesus into thinking we have been doing good works all this time. Because He hasn't been paying attention?

and

b) Those good works will have some input into my eternal salvation. As opposed to say, I don't know......grace, or something.

That's what I get from this sign. Anybody else?

"Jesus pain is your gain."
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com
Wow, cool. Maybe Jesus can get a Gatorade endorsement.

"When you doubt."
submitted by Josh @ www.capefaith.com
Is this like one of those "progressive dinners", except on church signs? Did I miss the first half of this sentence on a church a few blocks away? Or should I continue looking for the last half?

Thanks to the new contributors. Keep 'em coming.

Best Church Sign Ever!

Visit This Link.

Just a little church sign humor for the Thanksgiving season.

Found via my friends at Church Marketing Sucks

Enjoy. :)

"What Would Jesus say to Britney Spears?"

submitted by Elizabeth Stewart and Jona & Tish from Decatur, GA
You mean besides "Please get your tubes tied."? Not sure. But he is probably telling you and I to pay more attention to the things he is telling you and I and less attention to what he is saying to overhyped celebrities.

"Eight words that can change your life."
submitted by Jeff Keezel
Actually, that's only 7. And honestly, they really didn't do that much for me.

"Our God is a consuming fire."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Okay, normally I am OK with Scripture on a church sign. But can we get some context for the unchurched, PLEASE?!?! Pyro from the X-Men is a consuming fire as well...does that mean I should worship him too, or what?

"Fresh as water or dried up and dusty."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Who is? Or what is? And what about salt water? What is this sign talking about? My head hurts.

"Hungry? Try one of our Sundays!"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Niiiice play on words. Clever. *rolls eyes*

By the way, what if some legitimately hungry people do show up on Sunday? Do you think they have enough food around to feed them? "Oh....we were just sort of... joking around. Sorry." Great witness, guys.

"3-0! Go Dores!"
submitted by Bruce Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
This is in reference to Vanderbilt University's 3-0 start to this year's football season. Is it divine retribution on this sign that they are now 4-6? What a waste of space on a sign. "Boy I wish I knew what time this church held their services.....but it's nice to know that they're Vandy fans."

"Parking for church business only. Violators will be baptized."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Yep. Our religion and form of worship is so bad we use it as a threat to keep people away from our building. Works like a charm.

Idiots.




By the way, I have had a few requests recently for a list of good church signs. Sorry, everyone....so much garbage to review, so little time.....


Thanks to the new readers who submitted signs this time, and thanks again to my regular submitters, less and less of whom are my immediate family members.

Keep sending them in. 400+ visitors a week to the site! I should get a bunch more crummy submissions! Remember to read the archives for more great reviews.

"Even Jesus was into body piercing!!"

submitted AND reviewed by Dale Gehris, Springfield, MO
I'm sure people stop in all the time and say, "Hey! I just saw that clever little saying on your church sign. So I thought, 'You guys are contemporaryand relevant! You certainly speak my language!' So here I am! I figured I'd stop in on my way home from work and find out how to be saved. Oh, by the way, does this look infected to you?"

"Addicted to pornography? Join us Sunday morning at 10:30!"
submitted by Dale Gehris, Springfield, MO
See the baptismal tank used like you've never seen it used before!! The youth/college/singles groups probably showed up in record numbers this week!

PS: They are probably talking about Porn Sunday, a very worthwhile program put together by the good folds at www.xxxchurch.com But they should really be more specific on their church sign. Check them out if you haven't heard of them.

"God couldn't be everywhere, so He created mothers"
submitted by Kelly Quinn, East Texas
I picture this saying paired with a little cartoony drawing of God with a grey beard and a toga, kicking back in a lawn chair with a strawberry daiquiri while the almighty Mother takes care of all of earth's problems. Bah! Take this $&#% off of our church signs and put it on a $0.99 "Shoebox Greetings" card where it belongs.

I'M BACK! (...and look at the crap I'm bringin' with me!)

submitted by Jeff Keezel
This crummy church sign proudly brought to you by A Completely Different Religion Other Than Christianity.

"Come use our newly decorated bathrooms"
submitted by Jane Kelly, Cincinatti, Ohio
I wonder if they would be so excited if you decided to take them up on their offer at 1:15 on a Thursday afternoon.

"We are looking for a gifted keyboardist"
submitted by Jane Kelly, Cincinatti, Ohio
....because our current one sucks??

"Don't make me come down there : God"
submitted by Matt Henry, Kenosha, Wisconsin
And CERTAINLY don't make me send my Holy Spirit.......wait.........

"It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark"
submitted AND reviewed by Steve Jolly
This warning must "flood" the church with visitors every Sunday.

"Why be Catholic?"
submitted by Murphtronic
Murphtronic says he saw this sign on a Catholic church sign. Ya know, if they can't think of a good reason, then I sure as heck can't either.

"Need a new look? Get your faith lifted here!"
submitted by Tim Grasham
I can't believe I haven't reviewed this one yet, but a quick scan of the Archives (please read for many other reviews!) says that I haven't. Huh. Wonders never cease.
There are enough shallow and insecure people out there to actually think that a little faith might help them look better. Let's not encourage that, hmmm?

"You have problems. Jesus is the answer. Meet Him here on Sunday."
submitted AND reviewed by Official Church Sign Deputy, the Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
All day? Will there be coffee? Is he signing his new book? Does he take credit cards? If I miss him, is that the only place I can meet him?


Sorry for the delay in posting, everyone. Though I must admit, it's nice to have fans :) I will try to be more punctual from now on. Thanks for the support, and keep 'em coming!!!

"Lighthouses blow no horn. They only shine."

submitted by Rev. Hendrix, Atmore, Alabama
Crummy church signs shine no light. They only blow.

Sometimes this is just too easy.

"Jesus or Satan: Who are you following?"

submitted and assistant reviewed by Jhall
This week only: Vote for your favorite review! Send you vote to joelbezaire@yahoo.com
Okay, here's the review:

It must be Satan, because Jesus...
a) ...would use his turn signal.
b) ...wouldn't drive a minivan.
c) ...wouldn't have that "W" sticker on His car.

Okay, thanks for the recent deluge of church signs, guys. Jhall, Emily and Jenn are on the ball, joining Rev. Hendrix in the Frequent Contributor club. Thanks to first time contributor Jonathan. Read on......

"Sinners Anonymous meets here every Sunday at 10:30"
submitted by JHall
Well, when they reach Step Nine, they better $&^!% well apologize to me for this sign.

"God called: it's time for you to come home."
submitted by JHall
Okay, if God (being God, after all), can't bother to look up my cell number or find me in person or something, I don't think I am going to pay to much attention to any message he leaves on my machine or with a roommate....or with a completely strange church.

"How Do You Know God?"
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Do you think they really meant to put the "How" on this sign? Seems confusing....and odd....and off-putting.

"Your Words are a Window To Your Heart."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Wait, I thought my eyes were the window to my soul? Or are both true? I'm confused....

"God is the only right thing in a wrong world."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
A sign that is sure to draw in the disillusioned and heartbroken!

"Come on in...we have prayer conditioning!"
submitted and reviewed by Jonathan Powell, Huntsville, AL
I swear I have reviewed this one before, but for the life of me, I can't find it in the archives OR remember my review. So here goes a new one, courtesy of Jonathan:
Prayer. Like air. Funny. Ha ha.

Couldn'ta said it any better myself :)

Keep 'em coming, and remember to vote for your favorite review above.

"Be thankful for small blessings"

submitted and reviewed by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
...because, when you think about it, we really don't have any big blessings to be thankful for.

"You can avoid Jesus now, but you can't avoid hell later."
And this church can't avoid putting ridiculous signs up week after week. This church is on the way to my parents' house, and its like a never-ending parade of inane Christianese pseudo-theology. Complete rubbish, in other words.
And, by the way: can we really avoid Jesus now? Where's the Holy Spirit in all that?

And Rev. Hendrix is quickly becoming the most regular and enthusiastic contributor. Thanks. Everyone else, get on the ball and send in some more church signs :)

"A Mighty Fortress Is Our God. 9/11 and Storms Withstanding."

submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL

First of all, my prayers with the populations of Louisiana, Mississippi (My former home state) and Alabama. Please give generously to the Red Cross.

Second, let's forgo my traditional wise-&#&$ review and do a deeper analysis of this sign, seen by Rev. Hendrix in Mobile, AL (an area hit rather hard by Katrina itself).

The non-believing public, who must be searching for answers because of the tragedy of Katrina, would read this sign and interpret it two ways:

1) God has all things under his control, except for some things which slip through the cracks. He just missed 9/11 and Katrina. Whoops, His bad! Non believers who are already scarred by this event and read this sign will see a God that is untrustworthy, and why should we bother with an untrustworthy God?

OR...

2) Non-believers could read this sign to mean that even though the Gulf Coast was ravaged and decimated by Katrina, God and His physical kingdom are just fine, thankyouverymuch. While this is a defensible position from a biblical point of view, it is an incomplete one as well, and searching non-believers desperately need the rest of the story.

God is grieving the loss of life even more than we are. What a shame that the fall created a world where these tragedies can happen. So rather than shoving it in people's faces that God and his kingdom may not be physically damaged by the storm, or backhandedly implying that God "...just missed this one!", why not offer hope to those who need it? Why not offer them the hope and love they are searching for, and then tell them WHY we have that hope and love to offer?

I watched the concert for the Red Cross tonight, and was astounded at the number of songs that had gospel/Christian meanings or overtones. U2, Alicia Keys, Shirley Ceaser, Mariah Carey, Kanye West, Rod Stewart (and the awesome group that backed him) , and others I am forgetting all offered songs of inspiration and hope, most of them from a Christian perspective.

In this instance, we should be following the example of Hollywood and the music industry. (Man, I never thought I would be saying that). Rather than offer platitudes on our church marquees, can we not just offer them the love they need? Wouldn't more people be reached?

Sorry for the rant, I promise the next batch of reviews will be back to my old, wry self.

Comments welcome.

"What man ties up his hounds at night while his boys runs wild?"

submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
Uh.....well, Uncle Jesse, for one.

"The best exercise is to reach down and pull someone up."
submitted by Kevin Sample, College Station, TX
Or, if you want to work your "tri's", you could reach up and pull someone down.

"There are no Athiests in hell."

submitted and reviewed by Anonymous
So if I choose Athiesm, I miss hell? That's a new one!

"The wishbone does not take the place of the backbone."
submitted by Jhall
And if I were Sampson, I would take a jawbone to this sign.

"Staying in bed shouting, 'Oh God' does not constitute going to church."
submitted and reviewed by Jhall
Neither does nodding off in the pews while someone yells at you about the people laying in bed.

Also, is anyone else kinda creeped out by the last sign? I mean...what are they talking about?

Keep 'em coming by emailing me here

"Wanted: Imperfect People"

Found: Imperfect Sign.

"Git-R-Dun Fer God"
submitted and reveiwed by Dawn Cole
Oh well, at least they spelled "God" right. (Watch out for the spit cups in the pew-backs in front of you.)

"Don't let the sun keep you from the son."
submitted by Sarah Mitchell, Chatham, VA
This has got to be the tenth sign I have reviewed that tries to be cute with "sun" and "son". And none of them are funny.

"A pleasant expression increases your face value"
submitted by Jennie Sowers
I am guessing the expression on my face when I read this sign didn't increase my face value, then.

"An unused Bible is worthless. A well-worn Bible is priceless."
submitted by Jennie Sowers
Read Hebrews 4:12. How worthless is that unused Bible again?

"I'm Everybodys Homey - God"

submitted by Jason Nelson, Florida
First, don't they mean "homie"? And second......(unintelligible gagging sound).


"Stop, drop, and roll doesn't work in hell"
submitted by multiple sources in multiple places
"Honey, this Sunday, let's try out that church down the road that made the joke about being eternally charred in the fiery home of Satan."

Yeah, I don't think so either.

Oh, and I got that last sign reported to me from 3 distinct sources in 3 different parts of the USA in the last week and a half, so apparently this particular sign is currently "in vogue". Listen carefully, pastors and sign planners everywhere: STOP IT!


"Casual Worship this summer"
Yeah, this summer we'll worship, we just won't take it very seriously.

Hey, I know what they mean, but don't you think some passers-by took it this way? We need be careful of every message we send.

Keep 'em coming. Thanks.

"When life seems hopeless, it isn't!"

Tah Dah! It just.....isn't!!

"Don't let life get you down; even Moses started out as a basket case."
submitted and reviewed by Christina Bondoris, Hamburg, PA
Sure to confuse Christians, psychologists, and basket weavers alike.

"Fear knocked. Faith answered. No one was there."
Yeah, no one was there, alright. I drove past this church at least a dozen times while this sign was up and didn't see a single vehicle. Perhaps the inane spew on the sign was keeping them away?

"Want to forget your problems? Try wearing tight shoes."
Overheard at the crucifixion: "Look on the bright side, Jesus. At least you're not wearing tight shoes."

"Life is like tennis. Serve well and everything will be good."
Submitted by the Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
And church signs like these are like golf. I would like to put a hole in one.

"Whose child are you?"
Submitted by the Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
With divorce, separation, child abandonment, etc. being so prevalent, Rev. Hendrix and I agree that this sign might cause more damage than it does cause real introspection.

"Life is a cinch by the inch, but hard by the yard."

submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN

Actually, I much prefer metric. Is life neater by the meter?

Plus, this sign is a lie. Life can be a #$%!*& by the inch sometimes. That's why its "life".

Unfortunately, Slim loves the kids also.......

Yes folks, your weekly tithes are going to pay for face paint, red afros, and size 37 shoes. Awesome.

Thanks to Noelle Klassen from Canada for the photo.