The Halloween Special

"This House is possessed by the Holy Ghost"
submitted by Eric, GA
Yeah, because that's the same thing as a haunting.

Sigh.

It also wreaks havok on French Kissing....

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
Well, only if you swallow it...and if that's the case, then you have much bigger problems than a simple cut.
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
I think so...who did He play His college ball for again?
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submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
It's also much easier to resist when you're not a sinner. So get it together, would ya?!?
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"A smile is a curve that sets things straight."
submitted by frequent contributor Greg S. from Kinda Kitschy
So's a whip.

*crack*

Keep 'em coming.

"Enthusiasm is faith in action"

submitted by frequent contributor Cheryl Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
What if I am enthusiastically relying on myself?

How are these two things even remotely related?

Crazy Jay agrees with this sign, by the way. That's not a good thing for this sign.

"Think of it as fire insurance for eternity."
submitted by Miranda C., Nashville, TN
"It?" Can I think of anything as fire insurance for eternity?

Again, people....if you are going to use a horribly crappy metaphor, at least be specific about what your horribly crappy metaphor is about. I think this church couldn't even bring themselves to note that salvation is equivalent to fire insurance, so they just sort of half-^%#$ed their sign. If you are going to have the gall to put this garbage on your sign, at least go all the way and own it.

Keep 'em coming.

The other side was crummy in Spanish.

submitted by Val Williams. Sign from Boston, MA
Why do some Christians, even when they are speaking the truth, have to sound like such jerks about it?

I have decided I am creating a new section/category on the website. I haven't decided on the exact name of it yet, but it is going to contain signs that are designed to make the passer-by feel inferior and stupid. Any good ideas for the name of the category? Please post in the comments below.
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submitted by frequent contributor Gregory from Kinda Kitschy.
I'll have the Loaded Potato Soup, please.

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submitted by frequent contributor Gregory from Kinda Kitschy
I had a similar sign submitted once, and my review is the same for this one:
What do you want to bet they only achieve the first of the three adjectives?
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"Come get a faith lift!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kevin Thomas, FL
We altho have botockth and breatht implanth.

Long time readers will know I have reviewed that last one before, but Kevin's is funnier and I am always up for a funnier re-do.

Keep 'em coming.

I expect so much better from a Reformed Church....

submitted by Kristin Bush
I think they need an extra line or two on their sign to make this message make sense. Or drop off the final "-ess". Or just abandon the idea altogether.

Notice that the guy in the sign above the church sign is walking away from the church....quite the metaphor, that.
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submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
How, in all of these 400+ signs, have I managed to never cover this one before?

Oh well, here goes:

God catches them. God cleans them. You're nothing but the worm on the hook.

Look, I know it's Jesus' metaphor...but adding to His words only confuses the message. Let the Holy Spirit work through you, do what you are supposed to do, and don't take too much credit.

Keep 'em coming.

However, whether we like you or not still depends on income.

submitted by KC Swan. Sign from Bixby, OK
I agree with the "not income" part, but the first 4 words are buggin' me. Where's forgiveness in all that? Learning from your mistakes? Effort?

"It is a good thing to pick your friends, but not to pieces."
The same thing applies to your nose. And scabs.

"If you can read this sign you can still be forgiven by God."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
Hmm, so the blind and the illiterate don't stand a chance. Maybe that's what that whole predestination thing is about.

"Come to me all ye who are weak, heavy-laden, and literate, and I will give you rest...."

Keep 'em coming.

Since when was Jesus a cross-dresser?

submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
This might be the most poorly constructed sign in terms of composition, grammar, punctuation, spelling, and general appearance that has ever been submitted. Congratulations, Texas!
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submitted by frequent contributor SpookyRach, TX
I'm just sure the kiddies are thrilled by a Halloween alternative that doesn't include the word "treat" anywhere in the title.

Hey, it might rock, I dunno....but the sign sure doesn't give us a clue.
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"Sermon Broken"
submitted by Hilary Swinson, Charlottesville, VA
Some little quotation marks and a colon could go a long ways. As in:

Sermon: "Broken"

See?
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submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Not technically a church sign (a BBQ pit store), but I love the fact that Jesus can use His reputation to get a good discount on all His BBQ needs. My guess is He doesn't need it to BBQ pork.

Keep 'em coming.

Autograph? Don't they mean signature? There's a difference.

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Well...I guess we should be thankful for small blessings. God's autograph could look like this.

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submitted by April B.
April said she tried to get her boyfriend to pose in front of the sign in his housecoat, sitting in a recliner, smoking a cigar, etc. Too bad he declined.

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"Get a grip on money"
submitted by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
Get a grip...and then never let go. That's the Christian way!

Send 'em in here.

"Scared? Come worship with us."

all signs this post submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, Smyrna TN
Because we're scared too!

"Every exit is an entrance to someplace else."
I wonder if they use that same sunny rationale when members try to leave the church.


"Life shrinks and expands in proportion to one's courage."
Yes, folks the secret of life revealed: Life is like a 13-year old boy and courage is like the new Victoria's Secret catalog. It was right there in front of us all along.

Is "courage" a fruit of the Spirit now? Or a beatitude? "...the greatest of these is courage"? What's going on here?


"It is easier to preach ten sermons than to live one."
This just in: The church board has put this sign up because a congregational vote on the pastor's next pay raise is soon. He is none too pleased with the message on the sign, nor the timing.


"The Bible is most helpful when open"
Except when you're trying to kill mosquitos with it. Then closed really is the best option.

By the way, just opening a Bible and letting its aura sort of seep through the room really isn't as helpful as the sign might suggest it is. It's most helpful when read....and even maybe applied.



Thanks to Emily for the batch o' crumminess. She also helped review that last one.

Keep 'em coming.

Isn't this sort of up to your parents?

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
And it's probably best that you die the same way.


WAIT...................no.

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"Christians are like pumpkins. God cleans you up and gives you a light and a smile."
spotted by Jeb Naylor, submitted by Kyle Evans, AL. Asst. reviewed also.
Note that God "cleans you up", rather than "cleans you out." It works better on BOTH sides of the stupid simile, yet they still can't get it right. By the way, God also takes your seeds, salts them, roasts them, eats them, then spits out your shells.

Our commenting friend Allen will like that last one...it goes with his profile picture. "God cleans you up and gives you a light and a smile and a huge alien brain".

Keep 'em coming.

"Heaven is sweet, hell is hot, you are going to one, ready or not."

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney. Sign from near Paris, TX.
(I included the text in the post title, since it's a little hard to read.)
If that's the case...I'll take heaven. That was easy!
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney. Sign from Paris, TX
Mo' scars, mo' heaven. Let the floggings begin.

By the way, God also looks you over to make sure you purchased little shards of the cross, shrouds of Jesus' garments, sand from the Via Dolorosa, and such. Hey, if we're going back to the dark ages, let's go all the way. No half-%$$ing it here.
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"I'm Jesus, and I approve this message."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Rev. Bill Beatty
Jesus approves of a message stating that....Jesus approves of a message? How's that for circular logic? Not to mention arrogance....maybe this church found my blog and is calling me out, Savior-style. ("We'll show that smart-aleck...he'll think Jesus is mad at him!! He couldn't possibly make fun of that!")

"Peace begins with a smile."
submitted by frequent contributor Cheryl Bezaire, TN
Oh yeah?



Keep 'em coming.

Is the Cup of Joy related to the Holy Grail? Or is that different?

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
All over the brand new Carpet of Contentment!! Geez!
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submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Jesus is also a good person to send to the door when the Mormons and/or Jehovah's Witnesses knock. They won't recognize Him at all! .....ZING!!!

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"Bring your sin to the alter
And drop it like it's hot.
Drop it like it's hot."
submitted AND asst. reviewed by Nick Bell, Buffalo, NY
Alter, indeed. I can think of some things I'd like to "alter".

NOTE: This sign is referencing rap lyrics, for those who aren't "down". Check out the lyrics this church is referencing. Unless you are offended by pot, oral sex, gang violence, prostitution, and tons of profanity, in which case DON'T CHECK THEM OUT AT ALL.

This will be the first church to put spinners on its church van, I just know it.


Keep 'em coming.

"Church as fun as the movies"

submitted by Ian Adnams, Winnipeg, Manitoba
Just please don't spill popcorn onto the pews.

Now that I think about it, I can think of some churches I have been to that remind me a great deal of some movie titles....movie titles like:
"The Temple of Doom"
"Jackass"
"Psycho"
"The Never-ending Story"
"12 Angry Men"
"The Usual Suspects"
"Apocalypse Now"
"Unforgiven"

Heh heh...I could go on. But so could you. Use the comments section to reference other movie titles that a poor church experience (like a crummy sign!) might remind you of.....

"Pray - don't be a hater."

submitted by Joshua Long, sign from Las Vegas, NV
"Don't hate God." Always solid advice from a church.

This sign is silly because "Don't hate the prayer, hate the prayer" doesn't exactly have the same ring to it as "Don't hate the player, hate the game" , does it? In fact, it doesn't make any sense. At all.

"Good thing Mary didn't have an abortion."
submitted by Joshua Long, sign from TX
Yeah, all women who have had an abortion: what if your child was the Messiah?!? HUH?!? How do you feel now?!?

Look, I don't like abortion any more than the next guy...but this sign is just terrible. Some women really struggle with a difficult decision and then struggle with guilt afterwards. The church should be there to listen and love these women, not throw terrible "what if's" at them and make them feel worse. Jesus didn't say to the woman at the well "Good thing my mom wasn't a slut!" did He? Alright then.

More.

...except that Jesus doesn't give anal probes (that we know of)

submitted by Aaron Morey
It's a shame that they can't decide exactly when this alien life form is going to invade. I would really like to see it. I guess I should just show up at 8 and wait around....
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submitted by frequent contributor SpookyRach and her brother Jonathan, TX
Just don't start making lives in our pews, please. Ew.
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"What does (church member's name withheld) wear at age 50? IT DEPENDS!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Nothing like a good incontinence joke to encourage the passers-by.


Keep 'em coming.

I said eat it!! EAT IT, HEATHEN!!!!

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
Feed on the Bread of Life from the Trough of Calvary using the Spork of the Holy Spirit.

Look, I know "Bread of Life" is an analogy straight from Jesus...but it's hard to convey the full weight of His meaning in 12 words or less. So let's stop trying.

"Get away from yourself. Come to church."
submitted AND reviewed by Anna Gervasi, Columbia, TN
It's nice to know I've finally found a place where I can be fake.

"Spend some time alone every day."
"Don't let a small dispute damage a great relationship."
(different sides, same sign).
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I would get some sort of sick satisfaction if the name of this church's pastor actually WAS Dr. Phil Something.

Also, April B. sent a link to this cartoon. Heh heh heh....

Keep 'em coming.