A Porpoise-Driven Life.

submitted and Post Title by frequent contributor Tracy Roach
Not a church sign, but a nativity scene. A fairly normal nativity scene, at that. Except for the fact that there are dolphins accompanying the wise men to the manger.

Did I miss something somewhere?
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"Praise loudly. Blame softly."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Jamie
...and carry a BIG stick.
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" 'That 'Love your neighbor' thing? I meant it.' - God."
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Bonnie Maisen
You can pretty much ignore the rest of the Bible, but I was being serious on this one...
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"Need a new life? God accepts trade-ins."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Chandler Carriker
What's the blue book value on a wretch like me?
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"Thanks and giving go together."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Jennifer Bristow
Pass the turkey...

...and the collection plate.
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Easy day for me today! Thanks for the great reviews, contributors!

I am going to post a BONUS WEEKEND POST this weekend, in order to put pictures of the new Casa Crummy up for everyone to see. I was going to wait until we're all unpacked, etc., but I've come to realize that will never happen, so I'll just let you see the new digs this weekend. And I'll be back with more sign crumminess next week!
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Thanks and humor-blogs.com go together.

Keep 'em coming.

Maybe He'd prefer a Cruise instead?

submitted by frequent contributor Jenny Sowers
I suppose it could be worse...they could have left out the "h" instead of the "t".
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submitted by frequent contributor Jenny Sowers
"The Bible"...or some reasonable facsimile thereof.

Bethany...care to take this one?
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"Life: Your only chance. Eternity: Payback time."
submitted by frequent contributor Steve Sensenig
....starring Chuck Norris as God, with special appearances by Vin Diesel as St. Peter & Sly Stallone as the angel Gabriel.
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"Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you're not willing to move your feet."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara, OH
Next week, on a very special Dancing With The Stars...
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"God blesses us all the time; why do we only thank Him some of the time?"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch
I don't know. Why do you only thank Him some of the time?
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Fall into a good website: "Humor-blogs.com"

Keep 'em coming.

OMG. R U 4 Real?

Sign says: "Going 2 Church Doesn't Make U A Chris ti an Anymore thang o ing 2 McDonald's makes U A Hamburger."
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
I think I'd like to kick the writer of this sign right in the McNuggets.
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"Life stinks. We've got a pew for you."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic
It's not exactly "Life. What a beautiful choice." is it?
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"When you do good, you do God."
submitted by new contributor Michelle Watson
You know what they say: Once you go God, you'll never go back.

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A big thanks to friend of CCS (and humor-blogs member) Frogster from the Frog Bog Blog for his extremely positive review of my book. The comments section said some really nice things as well, so thanks to everyone over at the Frog Bog.

If anyone else posts a review of the book on their site, send me an email and I'll post a link here at CCS. Thankfully I came upon Froggie's on my (much delayed) internet rounds.

Also, as way of an update: Lots of people have emailed or commented that they received the book. In fact, the one I shipped to India has already arrived! No word on the one sent to Iceland yet, though. So, if you ordered one as part of the preorder special pricing, keep your eyes peeled as it should be there promptly, if not already. If you ordered one in the last week or so (or if I shorted you on your preorder...), I have received more books and they will ship tomorrow. Also, there's a few unsold ones in this order so if you get in now, I can likely get you one very quickly.
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Life stinks. We've got a humor-blogs for you.

Keep 'em coming.

"I sez 'It is finished', 'cuz I et me Spinach, I'm Jesus the Saviour Man!"

submitted and asst. reviewed by new contributor Julie Sesnovich
But I'm an adult and I still hate spinach.

And really...who "loves" spinach?

Tolerate? OK. Likes? Maybe. Loves?!? No way.
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originally posted on Gavin's blog
I could go on and on and on about this sign...but Gavin already did it so very well, just go over there and read his thoughts on it.
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"If you don't believe in Hell you should come hear our preacher."
submitted by frequent contributor Joy Cook
...AND you should see his wife.
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WWJD? WWUD?
submitted by new contributor Tammie Gitt
I'm pretty sure he'd give us no need to fear because, after all, he's here.

Seriously, though...who are they talking about?!?
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"Relief comes in the morning when you've been on your knees in the night."
submitted by new contributor Erik The Intern
If it takes 'til morning, then somebody's not doing something correctly.
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Seriously, folks...this might prove to be the most prolific week in CCS history, not in terms of volume but in terms of extreme crumminess. As bad as this collection was, I still have some doozies saved up.

Also, it looks like there was another church sign newspaper article that stumbled across my site. A number of incoming links from different newspapers, but they're all different incarnations of this article. I think this might be my favorite one so far...

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If you don't believe in hell, you should go read humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Admittedly, "...in which joy thrives" doesn't make for a much better sign.

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
I think they used one of those Magnetic Poetry sets for this sign...

...and I think some of the words were missing.
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix--
"I" will, thanks for the advice.

Also appropriate for Bethany's blog.
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"Luck is a loser's excuse for a winner's position."
submitted by frequent contributor Joy Cook
Today's message brought to you by Nike.
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"Press prayer until something happens."
submitted by frequent contributor Joy Cook
And if nothing happens, it helps if you start hammering on it repeatedly while cursing a lot.
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"A key to failure is to try to please everyone."
submitted by frequent contributor Joy Cook
Especially that God fellow. He's darn near impossible to make happy.
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Nothing like taking a week off to build up the back stock of crumminess. I've got enough to keep me going for a long time!

Those of you who have received your book might recognize those first two signs...they are two of the most common churches to appear in the book from two of our most prolific submitters. If you haven't ordered your book yet: why not? I have another shipment arriving soon, which means a few of you can get yours before the holidays still.

Back with more crumminess tomorrow, including one sign that's so crummy you won't even believe it...except it comes with a picture.

Really. After three years of doing this site, it amazes me that I can still say that. Just you wait...
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Humor-blogs.com is the soul that joy thrives in.

Keep 'em coming.

West Bank Story?

submitted, reviewed, and post title by f.c. Bruce Bezaire
Perhaps it's "The King and I"?

For their encore, they could perform "I Don't Know How To Love Him"
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submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Aaron Lee
You mean it's not Tony Danza?!?
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"Too many people get married for better or worse but not for good."
submitted AND reviewed by Rev. Bill Beatty
Sigh...

So, divorced people, don't come to church here...
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CCS will be going on Thanksgiving break for the rest of the week. Joy from NC recently sent me a big batch of crumminess, but it will have to kick off next week. Also by next week I hope to have pictures of the new Casa Crummy to share with you all! Yep, that's right: On top of signing dozens upon dozens of books and shipping them to all corners of the world (India, Iceland, Canada, and 20+ states), we moved this weekend. It's been...busy. Pics to follow....

In the meantime, I hope that if you have received your copies of the book you will post a little blurb in the comments section of this post to let the readers and me know what you think of it!

Have a great Thanksgiving. I know I have a lot to be thankful for!
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By the way, click the picture below to find out what it's all about:


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Who's your real Humor-blogs.com?

Keep 'em coming.

Not tonight, honey...

submitted by frequent contributor Jerry Webber
Judging from the title of this newspaper that's not what these people did....

Props to Jerry for the post title as well.

EDIT: Indie points out in the comments section that, basically, I'm an idiot. She said it much nicer than that, but it's true. Apparently I needed to read the article closer...
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submitted by frequent contributor Jerry Webber
But that church down the road......(shudders)
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"Children are like wet cement, what ever falls on them makes an impression"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries

...so put caution tape around them until dry THEN walk all over them.
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THE BOOKS HAVE SHIPPED. If you ordered a CCS book, look for it to arrive shortly. With the holiday week this week, it might be a bit longer than normal, but they are all out the door and on their way in time for the holiday season (as promised!). If things don't look right with the order (quantities, etc.), please let me know via email.

EDIT: Rev. Kenney's books have arrived! Look for yours soon!

Notice I'll keep a running tab at the top of the sidebar regarding the amount of money raised for Compassion. I believe I'll be able to increase that total once I finalize my shipping costs, etc. Thanks everyone!

If you order a book now, I can't promise it in time for the holidays. There's a good chance you'll get it before then, but my printer is a little backed up now and they're not guaranteeing anything.

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Humor-blogs.com can be a safe place for you.

Keep 'em coming

"Posterior" Would Have Been Better

submitted by new contributor Complain Away
What if I'm in a wheelchair? Thanks for asking.
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submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
How does one become an official "Prophecy Expert"? Is it like baseball, where batting .300 will get you into the Hall of Fame? Or is it more like a field goal kicker where closer to 80% is expected?
Wouldn't it be better to be an expert in Scripture or theology or something? Then you could prophecy based on your expertise.
To me, "Prophecy Expert" sounds a lot like "Fortune Teller".
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"Have breakfast with God- Start your day off right!"
submitted AND reviewed by increasingly frequent contributor Chris
The kid in me likes the frosted side, but the adult likes the omnipotence!
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“Calvinism is heresy! It will be welcome here when pigs fly.”
submitted by frequent contributor Tracy Roach
...and when those pigs fly, it will be of their own free will!!

That sign killed me. Great & hilarious stuff. Thanks, Tracy!
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"Never look down on anyone unless you are giving them a helping hand up."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara
Yes as long as you're giving the homeless man a sandwich, its okay to call him a lazy bum.
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Well, it's official. The post office hates me. Boxes with 70 envelopes filled with books all going different places tends to put them in a bad mood. I just hope they don't decide to go all....well....postal.
Anyhow, books are shipping out of here at alarming rates, and if you ordered one you should expect yours soon!

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Humor-blogs.com is heresy!

Keep 'em coming.

The Laying On Of Hands:

submitted by new contributor John Fletcher
Is this the answer to the question "What can we get our pastor for Christmas?"


To be fair, John says this church is in a strip mall with other businesses. But still...
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submitted by frequent contributor Lincoln
Going up....4th floor....women's clothing, bathroom accessories, and avoidance of eternal damnation.....
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"Have you watched your DVD?"
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
Have you any idea how confusing your sign is?
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"A note from Jesus. Went to visit my father. Back soon."
submitted by new contributor Rob Corso
NOW he tells us, some 2000 years later....

What's that you say?

Oh...
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The books have arrived!! I will be sending them out in waves this week, so if you ordered one (or ten...) yours will ship out by the weekend! Keep your eyes peeled for yours sometime shortly after Thanksgiving, in all likelihood.

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Have you watched your humor-blogs.com?

Keep 'em coming.

Guest Reviewer: Emily, the Not Crummy Sister

Things are crazy around Casa Crummy right now. I'm busy addressing envelopes, in preparation for sending out the books once they arrive (any day now...). They've all been addressed, and are just ready for signed books to be placed in them, which should speed things up once they get here.

You might recall last week that I mentioned the place we were going to move into burned...well we were able to transfer our earnest money to a different property, so now it's looking like we might be able to move in this weekend! Don't let the jaded snark I post on here daily fool you: the truth is God really is good and faithful and provides for His children. Some might call it lucky, I call it blessed, but I really don't deserve all the breaks I catch.

All this to say there's sadly no time for a Tuesday guest post at The Snark...and barely any time to post any crumminess here.
So, today's reviews are courtesy of my sister Emily. She's the heir apparent to this whole operation here at CCS, and you can see why with this batch of reviews (all signs submitted by her):

"Forgive your enemies- it messes with their heads"
"I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy times seven. That'll totally freak them out!" -Matthew 18:22

" 'Friends' don't let 'friends' die without 'Christ' "
'Thanks'.

"Hell is easy to find- it lies at the end of a Christless life."
You mean 'Christ'? That guy?

"People Die. God Lives."
If Sylvia Plath and Billy Graham made a church sign...


Thanks, Emily! That last review is one of my favorites....ever. I might have to stop the presses on my book and include it.

(Kidding, everyone).

'Friends' don't let 'friends' die without 'humor-blogs.com'.

Keep 'em coming.

Who me? Yes you. Couldn't be! Then Who?

submitted by frequent contributor Jenny Sowers
"Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's Oreos, nor thy neighbor's Chips Ahoy, nor his Milanos, nor his 'Nilla Wafers, nor his Fig Newtons..."

What's that? Fig Newtons are OK to covet?

Oh.....
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"You can't have a well-fed church by serving fast food."
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y.
Next thing you know, they're going to tell me that I can't use my fingers to eat the Lord's Supper anymore...
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"So you aren't being fed? Pick up your fork. - God"
submitted by Scott Wallace
Sigh.
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A very food-themed post today.

"Yum".

The books didn't arrive this weekend, but should show up any day. I'll sign 'em and get 'em out the door as quickly as I can, for those of you waiting on your copy (copies). Thanks for your patience!

Humor-blogs.com stole the cookies from the cookie jar.

Keep 'em coming.


PS: This is where I was last night. Historic Ryman Auditorium in Nashville, TN. Can anyone guess who this is just by the picture (WITHOUT looking at the name of the .jpg file?):

Good times!
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Order Update

The books have shipped from the printer and should arrive shortly at Casa Crummy. I will sign them and ship them out as quickly as I can after receiving them. I'm hosting an envelope/box stuffing party at my place, I'll try and remember to post pictures.

Thanks for your patience, and thanks to everyone who ordered one.


Have a great weekend!

It's why Electric Christians are so much better.

submitted by UberSchatz
Take, for example, how this sign falls "flat".
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"Correction does much, but encouragement does more."
submitted by new contributor Liana
...but we're still for maximum-term jail sentences.
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“If Jesus could get his ass to church on Sunday, so can you.”
submitted by new contributor Christie O'Brien
I'm gonna go ahead and guess that Jesus actually got his ass to church on Saturdays...
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Humor-blogs needs frequent tuning-into.

Keep 'em coming.

A Pictureless Wednesday and Book Sale Update

There's plenty of submissions to go through, but no pictures this time. Here we go:

“Heaven is no trick… Hell is no treat.”
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Jack Magruder
And there will be Thanksgiving on my end now that we’re past Halloween and don’t have to see this every time I drive by.
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"Jesus wouldn't use Powerpoint and a rock band."
submitted by new contributor Jack Magruder
"Verily I say unto thee...

(ahem)....verily I say unto thee....

...NEXT SLIDE, Andrew!!"
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"What's black and white and red all over? You, in His Word, covered by His blood!"
submitted by new contributor Jack Magruder
If you're also green, it just means you threw up all over yourself when you read this sign.
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Thanks to Jack, who was saving these signs up to start a website of his own. Once he found CCS, he just sent them my way.

I have recently received a lot of submissions of signs that I have already reviewed. Just a reminder (per the disclaimer in the sidebar) that I don't have time to respond to every submission, so please don't be discouraged if I didn't use your sign. Thanks.

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And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: An update on my book sales.


Yesterday was the final day for preorders at the special pricing. The books are being printed and should ship by the end of this week (if not sooner). Again, expect your purchase to arrive by mid-month. The final tally for the two week pre-order time frame is:

110 books sold!!

Thanks to everyone, and once I tabulate expenses and everything this should give US the opportunity to donate somewhere in the neighborhood of $250 dollars to Compassion. Way to go everyone!!

Diesel will have to weigh in on this for sure, but I think this number places me firmly in the top two for book sales at humor-blogs.com.

Of course, this isn't over. You can still order my book for the extremely reasonable price of $12.99 plus $3.00 shipping. All proceeds will still be donated to Compassion.

I want to publicly thank Diesel again for setting up the order process at humor-blogs and helping me with every facet of making this publication happen. Thanks, man!!
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Keep 'em coming.

LAST DAY!

Today is the last day to purchase my book at the discounted price of $10.99 with free shipping. After today, the price will go up to $12.99 plus shipping. Remember, all proceeds get donated to Compassion.

No guest post for me at the Snark. I'm fighting a respiratory illness, and I'm also not in the mood to be very snarky after the place we put a down payment on 18 months ago and were already supposed to be living in caught fire last night, so who knows when we will finally stop living with my inlaws over an hour away from our jobs and church.

Sigh.


Keep 'em coming.

To boldly go where dozens of churches have gone before...

seen here on Flickr. Submitted by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic
Illogical, captain.
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submitted by new contributor Tim Brown
He's our profit, priest, and king.


(Here's a little primer on where that joke came from for those that don't get it)
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"God is crafting you for eternity."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn
I hope he isn't using macrame on me. I hate macrame.
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"God wants a bride, not just a one night stand."
submitted by new contributors Joanie and/or Bill
If anyone present sees reason why this sign should not be properly ridiculed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
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ONE DAY LEFT to order the book at a special discounted rate. Only $10.99 with free shipping!! The books are being printed and will be sent to me shortly, after which time I will autograph them and send them on to those of you that bought one. Expect yours in the middle of the month sometime!
Remember, all proceeds go to Compassion. I'll give an update on Wednesday on how many books have been sold and what that means for the Compassion donation.

It was a busy weekend for submissions, so stay tuned this week....
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Humor-blogs.com wants a one night stand, not a bride.

Keep 'em coming.

Grace? Huh? What?!?

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
But probably, it'll just seem like an eternity while you're doing it...
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submitted AND reviewed by April Sellers.
"This sign is an abomination" - God.


I think I've reviewed this sign before (in fact...I know I have). I just like April's review a lot, so I included it again.
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I need your help! I'm a finalist in a caption contest...but this time it's not Diesel's, it's Dorky Dad's contest to find a tagline for his blog. There's a $20 prize for the best one, which I need to help offset the fact that I'm donating all the money from my book sales to Compassion.

What?!? You haven't heard about my book sales and that I'm donating all the money to Compassion? Well, the special reduced-price-with-free-shipping offer ends on Tuesday, so better purchase one soon!!


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Don't make humor-blogs.com come down there...

Keep 'em coming.

"Free Beer"

seen on Flickr. Directed by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic.
Doesn't this sign sort of sum up this whole website and idea? My guess (and one of the reasons I started this 3 years ago) is that the saying on a church sign almost never influences church attendance. Usually crazy things like members actually going out and inviting people, or the church having a reputation as a place where positive things are happening, those are the things that cause increased attendance. Maybe if the sign advertised a message on a topic that lots of people wanted to hear about it would increase attendance, but how many pithy slogans or witty puns have actually caused people to want to visit? My guess is not very many.

This sign is the new Official Crummy Church Sign of Crummy Church Signs Dot Com. And, yes, it's probably unwitting on their part.

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Remember to pre-order my book! The printer will start the order this weekend based on how many pre-orders I have. I'll order a few extras for you last minute shoppers, of course, but on Tuesday the price goes up and shipping will be charged!! Right now it's only $10.99 with free shipping! If you've ordered one, look for yours to arrive in a couple of weeks.

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What could humor-blogs say to get you there right now?

Keep 'em coming.