Please pardon the raindrops. God was crying over this sign.

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, AL
Well, so long as they poke Him some air holes, I guess He'll be O.K.

Keep 'em coming.

'Tis the season to be crummy!

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie S., IN
...but I want the deluxe version, complete with the action whip attachment and table-overturning power!!
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submitted by frequent contributor Jennie S., IN
Aww, man. Is He moving all of His stuff in, too?!?
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submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Actually, I think I could go the rest of eternity and not attend another candlelight service. But that's just me.
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"It's OK to re-gift the gospel!"
submitted by new contributor Rev. Mike K., IN
But only if your man-hands can wrap it up properly.


“The greatest gift of all was born in a manger.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Wow, Mary must’ve had really great aim.


“Center of Infinite Possibilities--Our souls are forever things.”
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Is one of those infinite possiblities not putting crap like this on their sign? I sincerely hope so.


“Heaven is a vibration, not a location. LK 17:21”
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL. Opposite side of above sign.
Luke 17:21?!? In what version? In "The New Testament (as translated from the original Dead Sea Scrolls by Beach Boy Brian Wilson)" ?!?!


"Xmas begins with Christ."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen, IL
Er, no, it begins with an "x".


I should take a moment to thank Nickie for the title to this post also. Her idea supplanted my original title, "Ho, Ho, Ho-rrible Church Signs." Imagine how crummy your holiday would have been had you been subjected to that mess.


Merry Christmas to all. Despite all my carping (thanks, Diesel) about silly Christian signs on this site, please remember that there is absolutely nothing truer than the fact that God sent his Son to save sinners like me (and you) (and the people who put these signs up). While trying to avoid all of the cliches that I so despise (like sign #2 in this post), let me say this: accept God's gift if you haven't. The holiday is not worth celebrating without it.


Check out Gregory's run-down of things that are wrong with Christmas, if you haven't already.

God bless. See you next week.

Keep 'em coming.

Does He like to cuddle?

submitted AND reviewed by James G.
Switch to Jesus and save thousands on your heating bill this winter!

"Simple Christians. No more, no less."
submitted by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
Yeah. That's what the world thinks. Thanks for confirming that.

"Jesus doesn't want us to be dogmatic. We all make misteaks."
submitted by new contributor Steven R., KY
Jesus doesn't want us to be idiots either, but that doesn't stop some of us.

"Our best attitude is gratitude."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
Unless, of course, you read the Bible which says the best attitude is love.

Keep 'em coming

"Worship is like giving God a great big hug!"

submitted by new contributor Rev. Scott Welch, NC
And charismatics try and "slip Him the tongue".

"The only fruit that is never out of season: joy."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Yeah, that's what they say, but I bet it's imported from South America this time of year.

Keep 'em coming.

"The nation that rejects Christ seals its doom."

submitted by Susan H., NC
This is from the same church that had "The Hinge of History" sign a couple of days ago. I think I was onto something with the whole Indiana Jones idea. If their next sign references the ark or the Holy Grail, we'll know I was money.

Also: I'm gonna sing the doom song now: Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom.....

"Stay out of debt. Act your wages."
submitted by frequent contributor Kyle E., AL
Yes folks: the timeless message of the Christmas season, made clear through 7 simple words.

Honestly. It's December 15. You have NOTHING BETTER to put on your church sign than the gospel according to Dave Ramsey? Look, it's great advice and all...but eternally worthless.



Did anyone get the Doom Song joke?

Keep 'em coming.

What happens after 10:30 AM?

submitted by frequent contributor Chuck S.
Not Jesus? Oh.
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"Not every hill is worth dying for."
submitted by new contributor Dan B.
In order to construct a smart-alecky response, I would have to have some idea what the %&^ they are talking about.

Oh well.

Keep 'em coming.

Well, who put it THERE?!?!

submitted by Suzi H.
I think that's actually the premise of the next Indiana Jones movie...Indiana Jones and History's Hinge.


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submitted by new contributor David Fox
Any ole' God will do.

"Unity Christian" church my arse.
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"Jesus is always our example for everything"
submitted and reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
Jesus, our example of feminine virtue?
Jesus, our example of the criminal mindset?
Jesus, our example of spontaneous combustion?
Jesus, our example of what we can do to help our mom around the house?

I guess the 4 year-old Sunday School class has it right; He is always the right answer!

“Empty Cradle? Empty Christmas.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Empty liquor bottles? Empty brains. There—at least those two statements are somewhat semi-related.

“We want you to want Jesus.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Behold our clever use of a Cheap Trick song title!

Joel's note: If you are attempting to be culturally relevant, you probably ought not to pick song titles that have been out so long that other bands have covered them and had their own hits with them.

“Pray with an attitude of gratitude”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Quick! What rhymes with ‘rutabega’? I gotta make a church sign!

“Do you need a gratitude adjustment?”
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL. Opposite side of the above church sign.
No...but I can think of a few church signs that I wouldn't mind somebody adjusting.

Anyone care to take a stab at "adjusting" the above church sign anagram-style? Use the comments section below.

“God love you, and so do we.”
submitted and reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
We love you long time!

“Don’t give until it hurts. Give until it feels good.”
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Then give some more, until it's back to a sort of neutral feeling.

SO MUCH restraint shown on my part (and Nickie's part) with that last sign. Feel free to show significantly less restraint in the comments section.

Keep 'em coming.

...and NOWHERE else!

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
You mean this church has Playstation 3's?!?!?
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submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA

I thought this one was OK...until I realized they were trying to be clever with "presence"..."presents", get it?!?! (groan)

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submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX

I have reviewed this one before...but not when they used the wrong "alter".

Those homophones will kill you every time....

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"My dad can fix anything - Jesus."

submitted by new contributor Amanda, GA

"Which is good, because My followers can break just about anything."

"Let's work to have crowns to lay at Jesus' feet."

submitted by new contributor Amanda, GA

Okay, if I'm a non-Christian, my first question is: Why the heck does Jesus want crowns for his feet? Second: Do I make them myself? Find them? Third: Why can't I keep them?

"Come early to get a good back seat."
submitted by Margo S.

Why? Is that where I can find the crowns these days?

"I'm making a list and checking it twice, too. -God."

submitted by new contributor Jason C., GA

Because God isn't capable of getting it right on the first check?

We need "The Grinch Who Stole Church Signs" in the worst way.

"Eternal Salvation: Deal or No Deal?"

submitted by new contributor Marnie P., MI

Forget St. Peter...if the suitcase models are at the Pearly Gates, I'm all in.

On second thought....if Howie Mandel is there, I'll take hell.

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Thanks to all the new contributors.

Just a quick reminder on the "rules of submission". I received about 50 emails since the AP article ran nationwide. I simply don't have time to write everyone back and thank them for taking the time to send me a church sign: so, THANK YOU!! That being said, I received a TON of duplicate signs. I don't usually post those, so please don't feel bad if I didn't use yours. It's simply already somewhere in the archives. Also, some people send in signs I don't think are crummy. Sorry if that was the case also.

Welcome to all of the new readers...please don't let a submission that didn't get used keep you from sending in the next crummy sign you see.

All the best,

Joel

PS: Keep 'em coming.

Another Newspaper Article

I am officially the "go-to" guy for church sign quotes, it would appear. This one from the Associated Press:

Click here to read the article.

To Mr. Seitz, the gentleman who is writing the book in whose promotional articles I keep appearing: Despite our somewhat differing views on church signs, I will purchase your volume and enjoy it, and encourage my somewhat large and rather growing readership to do the same. Best of success with your publication.

I have received a LOT of crummy new submissions to sift through...it might take me a while.

Keep the signs coming here.

"It's not what parents expect, it's what they inspect."

submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Melanie K., CO
Translation: Don't set goals for or trust your kids. Just dig through their stuff when they aren't around.

"THE HOLY BIBLE IS A TELESCOPE D0NT LO0K AT IT LOOK THR0UGH IT"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
I read mine from back to front, and now everything looks tiny.

Also, don't use punctuation; and please, whatever you do, don't make sure you have the letters you need.
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submitted by new contributor Beth L., PA
Not exactly a church sign, but pretty crummy. As Beth says, funny how they inadvertently compare themselves to the enemies of Colonial America. I wonder if they all plan on wearing red coats? Maybe it's time for "The Midnight Ride of John Calvin" or something?

It's especially hilarious to me, considering the last (only) Nazarene church I ever attended placed an American flag in front of the cross at the altar, and we ended the service with the Pledge of Allegiance (no kidding).

Please note: I don't think for a second that all Nazarene churches are like that, but the juxtaposition of my personal experience with this bus advertisement is pretty striking. I have good Nazarene friends, actually. Wait...now that I think about it, they aren't Nazarene anymore. Hmmm......

Just kidding.

Thanks to the new contributors.

Keep 'em coming.

"We accept all denominations: 10's, 20's, 50's, 100's..."

submitted by new contributor Scott B., OH
Lemme guess...they also will accept Baptists, Southern Baptists, Reformed Baptists, Primitive Baptists.....

I kid my Baptist friends because I love.

"Whatever you need, God got it."
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Well, I just hope He gives it back before He puts too many miles on it.

"When you do good, you do God."
submitted by new contributor Michelle, IN. Sign seen in GA.
Uh... Ummm.... Okay..... Errrr...

Never mind.


Keep 'em coming.

"If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it."

submitted by new contributor Tim Ellsworth
I wonder if God's ice cube maker uses living water? I wonder if the Trinity uses a side-by-side-by-side refrigerator?

"Don't just count the days, make every day count!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
I tried teaching Monday how to count, but Monday is just hopeless with numbers.

"A Mother Named Mary"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
. . . a president named George, a clown named Bozo, an athlete named Prime Time, a blimp named Hindenberg, a ship named Titanic, a building named the World Trade Center . . . maybe that's not what they had in mind.

"To deny Jesus is to deny reality"
submitted AND reviewed by Susan Hill, NC
OK - what exactly are we denying Him? Food? Water? The right to vote?
Last time I checked, reality sucked for a lot of people. I'd deny it too if I lived in Darfur. How is this sign helpful?

Keep 'em coming.

"God is slap awesome."

submitted by Robert Hull, GA
If the church that belongs to this marquee ever became a mega-church, I would bet money that they would become the first mega-church to sponsor a NASCAR driver.

“Hope, like an anchor, is fixed on the unseen.”
submitted AND reviewed by Robert Hull, GA
Yeah, and my foil-hatted neighbor is fixated on the unseen.

"Lay aside your weight."
submitted by Robert Hull, GA
Today's sermon by Rev. Jennie Craig.

"Pray! Pray! Pray! Free Tutoring."
submitted by Robert Hull, GA
Yeah, but they only teach to the test.

Keep 'em coming.

"God owns you."

submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Susan H., NC
...but He's only leasing me.

"Eternity has two choices...original and extra crispy."
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Myron B.
I was wondering if I could have the Col. Sanders original.

Such a loving sentiment...I'm just sure God chuckles at all the "extra crispy" folks in hell.

"Demons are real. Try not to be one."
submitted by new contributor Rayni R., CA
I try and try, but I keep sprouting horns and a tail. It's tough, this business of "not being a demon".

"Sometimes God punishes us by answering our prayers."
submitted by Margo S., MD
Yeah...that'll teach us to interrupt Him while He is trying to watch the game.

Note: He answers ALL of our prayers. Just because it's not the one we want to hear doesn't mean it isn't answered.

Keep 'em coming.