Too easy.

submitted by frequent contributor Lauren
He who walks "upright" better not be wearing jogging pants.

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submitted by frequent contributor Lauren
I'm fine with the above church sign. I just wanted to post another one from this church and see if anyone can explain/guess where this church name comes from.

And speaking of funny church names....

submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Christine
So named because once the service starts, you're looking for a way out?
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"Those who plant greed will reap a "mine" field."
submitted by frequent contributor Christine
Those who plant sorrow will reap a "bawl" field.

Har.

There's probably more terrible puns to be made on that one. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.
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Don't forget to go vote in the MP caption contest. Pick your favorite, which is probably the one about the fake Rolex...

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He who walks upright can learn to kneel at humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

He makes a great hat salesman, though.

submitted by new contributor Susannah
Also: Don't buy it from the Daughters of Zion.
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"Subtract seven points if you yelled at somebody today."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
Add 15 points if you know what the heck this sign is talking about.
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"I believe in the words in red."
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Jordan
...but that Apostle Paul was a liar!
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I'm a finalist in a caption contest again. Go vote!!

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Subtract seven points if you didn't visit humor-blogs.com today.

Keep 'em coming.

Snark on the Cheap.

I'm guest posting at the Snark again today. Come by and find out five heretofore unheard of uses for $12.48.

More crumminess tomorrow, including a new horrible sign that's somehow near and dear to my heart. Or, actually, my head.

Keep 'em coming.

Gonna Make You Sweat:

submitted by frequent contributor Indie Davis
OK...this church is having some seriously bad luck when it comes to having things stolen. (see the 5th sign down on the linked post)

Anyone else think they're crying "Wolf" on all the thievery in order to make "clever" signs?

In other words: How the heck do you allow someone to just walk away with an an entire air conditioning unit and get away with it?!? I mean, was it just sitting there, not attached to the church building or anything significant? Isn't it a chore to disconnect these things from buildings, etc?

Or, better yet: It's January, and there's not exactly a huge underground black market for AC Units these days, now is there?

Somebody should post a note on their sign: "If you lied to me on your sign, you're gonna need the air conditioning more than the thief will"

And if they are telling the truth (both times), please consider an alarm system, or a watchdog, or moving your church to a different, less theft-prone location....something!

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"Jesus: He is the door to the supernatural."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara, OH
There's something strange in the neighborhood....who ya gonna call??

JESUS!

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Check back tomorrow for a Snark post, and then Wednesday more crumminess for the rest of the week. Have a good week!

Humor-blogs.com: It is the door to the supernaturally funny.

Keep 'em coming.

The Silence of the Lambs of God

submitted/post title by an Anonymous contributor
Conform!!! CONFORM!!!! CONFORM!!!! CONFORM!!!!!
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ryan DeVries, India
Because evil and wrath are in front of them?

Joel's note: And don't call me "Shirley".

(Yes, we know it's a Bible passage. Once again, how many other people will know this?)
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"Until further notice, celebrate everything."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
Evidence of a lull in the liturgical calendar.

Joel's Note: With presents. Celebrate everything by giving me presents.
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"Baptism is more then a splash" (sic)
submitted by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
Especially when you do a cannonball into the tank!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
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WHEW!! Quite a lively day in the comments section yesterday!! I sometimes wonder how many people actually read this blog. My stats tell me hundreds of people visit each day, but since my comments aren't nearly as heavily trafficked as on some blogs, I wonder how many of those hundreds actually read CCS and how many just surf on by.

The answer: At least two dozen or so of you actually read this. Thanks, guys!

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For today's lively comment section conversation topic, check out this interview from The Daily Show with Jim Wallis, author and founder of Sojourners. I really enjoyed Mr. Wallis' last book and appreciate the stand he takes about Christianity's role in politics.



I get a little leery whenever a Christian takes on such a huge national presence. Christians, of all people, have the tendency to idol worship a little bit. People like Mr. Wallis can take on a larger-than-life presence in the hearts of Christians when they are invited to such "cool" places as The Daily Show. I really try to guard against that, so I am almost a bit of a skeptic when it comes to stuff like this.
So, while I certainly don't agree with everything Mr. Wallis says and believes (because I specifically looked for instances where I disagree), I still very much appreciate his heart for social matters and will be interested to read his new book.

In short, I think it's his basic human decency that draws me to him.....

:)
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Humor-blogs.com is more than a splash.

Keep 'em coming.

It Must be That Time of the Chorus...

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Charles Strohacker
All their songs are in a minor key.
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submitted by Jared Hendrickson
Then why are so many churches either black or white?
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submitted by Jared Hendrickson
Finally a sermon that's applicable to my everyday life!

(Yeah, I know it's a biblical analogy, but how many people who drive past know this?)
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submitted by new contributor Christian Smith
This is such a better translation of Romans 6:23. Why include all that garbage about "gift of God" and "eternal life" when you can make threats instead?!?

Also appropriate for Bethany's blog.
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"GRAND-SLAM WEDNESDAYS!"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
Pancakes, eggs, hash browns and toast, here at First Church of St. Denny's!

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"Watch out! You're on God's most wanted list!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain

Another good reason to stay home on Sunday mornings!

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This blog is "Crummy Church Signs" and not "Crummy Churches", but frequent contributor Bent Kangaroo sent in this link from the complete @$$holes over at Westboro Baptist Church. Apparently their reading of the Beatitudes is completely different than my own. Nowhere do I hear Jesus saying "Blessed are the jerkwads..." or "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after attention..."

For those of you whose only contact with Christianity is crap like that, I am very, truly sorry. Please take the time to find out about Jesus for yourself straight from the source and don't take the example of crummy, sinful Christians like that...


...and unfortunately, all too often like me.
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Watch out! You're on humor-blogs.com 's most wanted list!

Keep 'em coming.

Please keep hands and arms inside your death at all times...

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Awww, man! They always save the best stuff 'til the end!
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submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
What if I attend church every Christmas? That is extremely regular.
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originally posted here. submitted by Ron Brown.
But if we die in sin, we can kiss our @$ goodbye.
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"Dream Responsibly"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rachel H., GA
So should I get a designated dreamer?
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Frequent contributor Ron Kinzel sent in this blog post about a church billboard. Certainly a different perspective from the one I take (especially in the comments section), but a very interesting read nonetheless. Y'know, for those of you who come here for more than just the snark...



...anybody?? hello??


Humor-blogs.com is but life's greatest adventure.

Keep 'em coming.

Password Not Valid

I'm guest posting at the Snark again today. It's a little different approach for me, sort of a mock-testimonial/mock-editorial.

Check it out and see my new approach fall flat on its face for yourself!

Nope.

submitted by frequent contributor Richard Steffy
I hear it goes great with milk.
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submitted by frequent contributor Richard Steffy
Yes. But come 2009, I am DONE with them!
---------------------------------------------------

And now, the most frequently submitted one sign in CCS history:

Brett McKenzie sent me this news article associated with the sign.

Steve Green sent me a picture:
Ron Brown sent me some links to blogs talking about the controversy.

The text to this sign was one of the very first signs I reviewed some 3 years back. It wasn't a particularly good review (I was still a rookie), and it didn't come with a picture so I had always wondered whether or not it was a real submission.

I normally don't re-post signs once I've reviewed them once, but with the recent media hype surrounding this one, not to mention the flurry of submissions sent to me, I thought I'd include it.

As for a new review, I'd say this if I had to do it over again:

"Not "going", but what about coming?"




On second thought, maybe I wouldn't say that at all...
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Lying in bed shouting "Oh God" does not constitute going to humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

Those of you who know me personally know what a music freak I am. I actually moved to Nashville for music, and intended it as a career for quite some time. Unfotunately when I moved to Nashville I realized everyone else here intended it as a career, too! I still play as much as I can, but sadly it's never enough...

However, the best musical news I've heard in years came to me today: Sixpence None The Richer is getting back together!! Leigh Nash (singer) posted a blog on her MySpace page today:

"We realized we were on the same page and decided to make Sixpence None the Richer records for the next 2,000 to 3,000 years!!!! Seriously- as long as we can: ) We are in the middle of making an EP right now that will be available soon! We also have a tour planned beginning in April."

If your only familiarity with Sixpence are the ubiquitous soft rock hits "Kiss Me" or "There She Goes", then you don't have the whole picture at all.

Check out the much heavier "Angeltread" (the video's really low budget, but musically soooo good), or "Paralyzed" (ignore the dorky Anime in the YouTube fan vid). Even "Breathe Your Name" is a better pop song (IMHO) than the more popular radio hits they had.

Here's my favorite song by them:




Anyhow, I am pretty excited. The best part? They live and are based in my hometown, so now begins my quest to land a spot in the backing band. Surely their old players in the backing band have gone on to other things, right?? RIGHT?!?!?!? (In fact, if you visited the link to Leigh's MySpace page earlier in the post, you may have seen the comment I left....)

Wonder how I'm gonna keep teaching math from the road....

Anyhow, back to your regularly scheduled crumminess next week. Have a great weekend.

----------------------------------------

EDIT: For those of you wishing to spend 10 bucks on a great album, here's the 10 best songs Sixpence did according to me. Go buy them individually on Itunes, and then put them in the order I have them in an Itunes playlist for optimal listening results:

Too Far Gone
Love
Love, Salvation, the Fear of Death
I've Been Waiting
Angeltread
Paralyzed
I Can't Explain
Tension is a Passing Note
Melody of You
Within a Room, Somewhere

There. Enjoy.

Bow Chicka Bow Bow!

submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown
And all God's women said....


...Amen.
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown
Near to shopping and good schools?
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submitted/asst. reviewed by Duane Brown
Jimmy, you're in charge of hellfire and brimstone this year. Can you handle that?!?
------------------------------------------

"God plus one is the majority."
submitted by new contributor Ty Maier
So God by Himself loses or ties?? What kind of crummy god are they worshiping?
-------------------------------------------

Slow down. Feel the humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Mixed Messages

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown
I'll come back when everybody's on the same page...


Joel's Note: Guess which one is a quote from the Bible! Guess why the other sign decided to contradict a direct quote from the Bible! (I can only answer one of those two...).
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown
Paper or plastic?
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"Happy is the nation whose God is the Lord"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic
...and when you find that nation, please let me know.


Joel's Note: I love it when churches decide to make their own translation of the Bible.
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More signs from Duane tomorrow!

Don't count humor-blogs.com, make humor-blogs.com count.

Keep 'em coming.

Smile, darn you!!

submitted by Katherine Trexler, NC
And considering where they're going, they should be the most cheerful and happy people that die.
--------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown
Evil has a new name -- and it isn't afraid to use it!


Joel's Note:
George be nimble,
George B. Quick,
Your sign person tempts me to throw a brick.

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submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown
We voted on it, and it was really close.
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"Dr. Powers' sermon: Smelly People."
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch
Today's sermon brought to you by Old Spice.
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I've got a bunch more of Duane's signs to get through, so be sure to visit back tomorrow!

We feel you will like humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Narrow is the road...

submitted by new contributor Dave Anderson
Also:
It's Elohim or an ion beam.
It's Adonai or the evil eye.

Feel free to add your own in the comments section...
EDIT: Diesel says "It's the Lord of Lords or the waterboard"
Rickey goes mythological on us and says "It's Zeus or Zip it!"
Bruce says "El Shaddai or a poke in the eye."
Duane says "It's Jesuit or lose it"
Suhayla says "It's the Good Book or a right hook"
Nic says " It's Jehovah or it's over. "
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
But He'll be just barely on time in 2009...

...then He'll never show up again in 2010.
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"When you step out, God steps in"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire

This fall on ABC- "Dancing With the Divinities"!

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"Jesus- the only investment that never loses interest"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire

Yeah, and the way the dollar is heading, I might start trading in relics.

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"Reading the Bible does to your mind what exercise does to your body"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire

It makes it sore and cranky?
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Humor-blogs.com does to your funny bone what exercise does to your body.

Keep 'em coming.

Jesus Christ is Coming To Town...

submitted by new contributor John Jordan
Why does God need to check it twice? In case He screwed up the first time?
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"State of the church. Pastor Grooms"
submitted by Aaron Lee
Well...it's certainly better than the alternative.
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"Get God, get grown up, and get going!"
submitted by frequent contributor Lincoln J.
Good grief.
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Humor-blogs.com is making a list and checking it twice too.

Keep 'em coming.

Indulgences for sale here!

seen on A Stumbing Believer by frequent contributor Indie Davis
Seeking: One youth pastor.
Job description: Really, really, really uphill battle.

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seen on A Stumbing Believer by frequent contributor Indie Davis
They also let a few get off the hook, but who's counting?

And regarding the first line: You think they do the locusts & honey bit, too?
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown
Today, let us read from John's First Birthday Party, Picture 2.....
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown
I'll just bet it's the touring cast and not the original Broadway production.

Oh, and next week they're doing "Spamalot".
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Humor-blogs.com: Old fashioned humor like it used to be.

Keep 'em coming.

Immunizations at 7:10

submitted/post title by frequent contributor Duane Brown
Make sure you cover your mouth when you witness.
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown
If He's unavailable, try Jenny at 867-5309
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submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown
Four stars, huh?

Out of what? Four? Ten?

I must know: How good is this Christmas?!?
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown
The Greatest Story Ever Told (The Frank Capra Edition)
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"No danger of eye damage from looking on the bright side."
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y.
Slight danger of brain damage from looking at this sign.
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No danger of eye damage from looking at humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Snark Effects.

I'm over at The Snark today, railing against those horrible commercials for prescription drugs. Be sure to check it out!

Also, come back tomorrow for more crumminess. I've got tons of great (crummy) signs to work through this week!

Keep 'em coming.

What about "Crackers"?

submitted by new contributor Harris Bloom
I see a whole new set of Beatitudes coming from this sign.

"Blessed are the Ruff Riders, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven...."

Feel free to post your own in the comments section.

And I'm also unsure of the fundamental differences between a "Ruff Neck" and a "Ruff Rider". If someone could fill me in, I'd appreciate it. I mean, how embarrassing would it be to mistake those two at a fancy dinner party or something?
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submitted by frequent contributor Rachel H., GA
And a cool Yule.
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"God send us all your power!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
I mean it! I want it ALL this time!
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"Jesus is the bread of life, not the cake for special occasions."
submitted by new contributor Nicole Polhamus
Well does He at least have some icing?
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I should be back to a regular posting schedule, now that I'm back to work full time. My goal over the past couple of weeks was to be as unproductive as possible in just about every aspect of my life, and I succeeded admirably. I should be back on The Snark tomorrow, with more crumminess all week. Goodness knows I've got enough saved up.

Humor-blogs.com ain't hatin, all welcome.

Keep 'em coming.

Donations of Letters Are Extremely Appreciated

all signs/post title submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown
If we put the three of them together, do you think we could come up with one coherent message?

Nah, probably not...
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"By Him God knowledge & actions are weighed"
seen here on Flickr by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic
God tried to weigh this person's knowledge of grammar and sentence construction, but some things are too hard even for Him.
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"Schools were not war zones before Jesus was kicked out."
seen here by many CCS contributors
They were more like shoving matches.

The above sign came from a church who had a sign submitted a few posts back. I couldn't figure out what the church's name meant, so a bunch of readers found their website and found that sign posted there. As Ryan Geer said, "They're doing your work for you." Nice :)
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RU T E

ACE ITH
ET humor-blogs.com

O YI V E W


Keep 'em coming.

New Year Crumminess!

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Then don't think about it.


Can any Bible scholars give us a clue as to what they're talking about? Is this clumsily referencing the parable of Lazarus and the rich man? It's the only thing I can think of.

By the way, I'm guessing the average car passing by can successfully read up to "should" before they speed on past.
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
And there's no horses. Or music. Or carnies.

Well...sometimes carnies.
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submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Auntie M.
How can we give thanks if we're not allowed to talk about it?
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"Same resolution? Let Jesus help."
submitted by frequent contributor Tara, OH
He can take my 720i and make it 1080p?
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Happy New Year everyone! I'm once again a finalist in a Caption Contest, so go vote for the best one!

Thanks be to humor-blogs.com for its unspeakable gift.

Keep 'em coming.