Woody Guthrie is God?!?

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie S., IN
Last weeks sign: "If I could turn back time...If I could find a way...." - God.
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
...until your pears are sliced by bears and you dare to have your hair cut by mares.
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
So it's OK to give up and let somebody else try for a while? That's not what this says.
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
So if I have a cold burden do I get the cold shoulder?
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
I prefer my "Love Communities" Medium Rare. Or better yet....Rare.
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"Race worship - Saturday 7 pm"
submitted AND reviewed by Mike T., Indianapolis, Indiana. Seen during Indy 500 week.
This week's sermon presented by Head Klansman Jimbo.... oh wait...car race!
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"If good men would only be better, would the wicked be so bad?"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
If fried chicken only tasted better, would castor oil taste so bad?

Joel's note: I love that a church would claim "Good men" on their sign. Maybe they should read this, verses 10-18.
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"Mother is Another Word for Love"
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Joy C., NC
Actually, mother is another word for mom.
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"Signs been changed. Have you?"
submitted by new contributor Joy C., NC
The baby in the backseat with the clean diaper cackled approvingly at this sign.
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“God gives you the nuts. Don’t expect Him to crack them.”
submitted by Terry B., OR
God also gives you the balls. Don't expect Him to hit them with a bat.

God's awfully generous like that.
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"Common sense isn't so common anymore."
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
Take, for example, what most churches put on their marquees....
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"May education never become as expensive as ignorance."
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
No kidding...I've been paying off my Ignoramus Loans for years now.
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"If God doesn't exist, how do you explain chocolate?"
submitted by Gordon W., Vancouver BC
I think this pretty much sums it up.

If you're going to do this sign, you should not ask to explain something that is clearly man-made. Just ask Kirk Cameron.


Sigh.
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"God is not a cosmic teddy bear who winks at sin."
submitted by Andy K., IN
HA! So the ancient Mayans were WRONG!
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"God will let you get away with it, until suddenly..."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Yes, folks. God is restraining his temper at the moment, and one day He's gonna snap and take us all out. He's pretty freakin' unstable.

How about: "God is heartbroken over your sin. He's giving you a chance to turn to Him before you die. Please take it."

It makes God sound a little more like God and a little less like Jules and Vincent from Pulp Fiction.
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There were some questions on the "God's Storehouse" picture from two posts ago. David tells us that the sign on the right of the building says "His Banner Over Me is Love", and we can only see the part I highlighted in red. Thanks, David!
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I must have some linky love somewhere on the interweb, because I received a TON of submissions from new readers and new submitters. Thanks a lot to all of you! I would like to take a moment to clarify my submission policy. If I don't use your signs, it just means that I have already used them. Please don't get discouraged and please keep sending them in. I am eternally grateful for the hard work that everyone does in making this thing work. Thanks for reading.
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I have appealed my case from the previous post to Google. I will keep you updated.
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Humor-blogs.com will let you get away with it, until suddenly...

Keep 'em coming.

There's no such thing as a free lunch. Or, apparently, an earned one.

Let's face it: Nobody with half a brain gets into blogging for the money. Since I have half a brain or so, I know that blogging is just not that profitable of an endeavor. One really has to enjoy what one is doing rather than view it is a potential source of income.

However, when Google AdSense personally sought me out and contacted me a year or so ago (in the form of a banner ad on my blogger account) I decided to give it a try. "Maybe I could make enough money to put some gas in my car" I thought, not realizing that a tank of petroleum fuel would soon skyrocket to the price equivalent of platinum-coated-gold. I signed up, placed the appropriate "code" into my "template" and "waited for the money to start pouring in."

A couple of things were immediately discouraging. First, I discovered that Google will only send you a check after you have earned $100.00 (before taxes, thereby making the final value of the check somewhere between $11.50 and $11.75). Since each ad click nets a fraction of a penny of income, at the pace I was on a year or so ago this meant that I would receive my first check in approximately October 2019.

Secondly, I realized that the "code" I placed in my "template" "sucked". Since the program scans the blog for key words and places ads related to the blogs content, most of my ads were for...(of course)...church signs! Apparently, they haven't created programs that can teach a computer to recognize sarcasm, snark, and humor. Or a program that can experience any human feelings. Which is a good thing, because if I had to be subjected to this in real life I might have to drive my car off of an overpass. I mean, really, how much more over-rated can a movie get? Wait....never mind.

I digress. The fact that most of my ads were for church signs meant that most of my readers were less than interested in the links, and I wouldn't receive much money for clicked-on ads. No matter. I was too "lazy" to take the "code" out of my "template", so I just left it in there.

Over the course of the past year, a few things have happened. First, my traffic increased, thanks to my archives, some new friends who give nice shout-outs, a few guest posts at other blogs, and a visible presence on humor-blogs.com. Since AdSense also gives out scratch for page visits, I was earning income based on page visits alone, and not for worthless ads that didn't in any way at all reflect the interests of my readership. I realized that my estimated check arrival time of October 2019 was now looking more like Summer 2007. Oh, the joy. I could almost taste that quarter-tank of gasoline that my hard work would earn me. Which was encouraging, because it meant a check would arrive soon, but also discouraging because gasoline tastes like $#!*.

As of yesterday, I believe I was hovering around the $90.00 plateau ($9.63 after taxes). And then I received this email from Google:

Hello Joel Bezaire, It has come to our attention that invalid clicks and/or impressions have been generated on the Google ads on your site(s). We have therefore disabled your Google AdSense account. Please understand that this was a necessary step to protect the interests of AdWords advertisers.

It went on from there. My account has been deleted on the AdSense page. No sign of my just-about-enough-money-for-a-Value-Meal-if-you-don't-Supersize-it income. Gone. All that lack of work, wasted.

I write all of this just to point out Google's circular logic:

1. Help Google earn money by allowing us to place irrelevant ads on your site!!
2. By allowing this, we will give you a microscopic percentage of the money we earn, which even then isn't very much because you must remember, the ads are completely irrelevant to your site's content.
3. This means you should work to promote your blog, because the more page hits and ad clicks you get, the more money you will receive. Even microscopic amounts can add up over extremely long periods of time!
4. If you get too many page hits of ad clicks, that means you cheated and will never see your money, your Value Meal (unsupersized), your quarter tank of gas, or your platinum-coated-gold, you worthless, putrid sack of dishonest (*&&%. Ninety dollars (before taxes) isn't enough to get worked up about so nobody will take legal action, but if we bend the entire blogosphere over the table over this amount we will make out like absolute m&^$#-f(*^$^%* bandits! You're a pitiful blogger and we're f*&&^%&* Google!! How do you think we got this big and famous and multi-national in the first place?!? MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA......

I just love the implication (later in the letter) that somehow I have:

a) The technical wherewithal to create a program that clicks on ads:
"...automated clicking or surfing programs, or any other deceptive software"
(I can't even begin to wrap my mind around the fact that a program like that could actually exist, let alone start to create or install one. Hell, I was barely able to install the "code" to get the ads to appear on my site.)

b) The available funding to hire someone to click on ads for me:
"...a publisher encouraging others to click on his ads."
("OK, look. If you will click on my ads, I will split the income with you. That could get each of us an eighth of a tank of gas. Or, we could split a value meal! No, it couldn't be super-sized. Hey, wait...come back! Please?!?")

c) The time to sit around and click on my own ads:
"...a publisher on his own web pages"
(They caught me. In between teaching seventh graders, coaching basketball and baseball, playing bass on the worship team at church, judging Heroclix, my 40-minute commute each way to work, taking graduate school classes, selling a house and moving, and my rigorous comic-reading schedule, I sit around and click on ads for products in which I have absolutely no interest. In fact, my wife encourages me to spend my free time in this manner.)

For the record, I have clicked on those ads exactly twice. The first time was after I placed them on the site. I wanted to see where the link took me. The second time, I was so friggin' shocked to see an ad for a product that might actually approach relevancy for my readership that I felt compelled to click on it. I liken it to taking a picture of a Dodo bird, except less expected and believable.

In conclusion, there is an ugly white box near the top of this page, and one towards the bottom of the right-hand sidebar. These are where my hopes and dreams were once found. May these serve as a monument to corporate suckiness, and a warning to all those who are drawn in by promises of wealth, fortune, and $11.67 after taxes.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go sign up to carry ads for Amazon.

Behold, the bounty of God's provision.

submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
I can only hope my "teasures in heaven" can measure up...
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submitted by Mike Jones, AL
You mean...He hasn't already?!?
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"Under the Influence"
submitted AND reviewed by Megan W.
Of what? Of whom?
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"Elevate Live Teens"
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
...and keep repressing the dead ones.
----------------------------------------------------

Elevate humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

I got 99 Problems, but a Church ain't one.

submitted and asst. reviewed by Dayton C, IL
I will say one thing that most church marquees have going in their favor: At least the messages are changeable. Reverend Jay-Z is apparently very comfortable with the content here. Good thing slogans like "4 Shizzle" never go out of style!

"Don't Hate": We could also include this one on the Blog of Unneccessary Quotation Marks.
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"Remember the fallen who faught for our freedom."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
I thaught it aught to have said "Fawt".
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"May 20th - Misdirection"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen
Well, at least they're honest about it!
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I got 99 problems, but humor-blogs.com ain't one.

Keep 'em coming.

Too posts in a row!

submitted by frequent contributor Christine
Just another sign to further infuriate our resident English teachers.

Not to mention those who passed 4th grade.
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submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
If an "S&L" marriage means one with no "PM activities", then you can count me out.

Feel free to post your own possible interpretations of "S&L" in the comments section.

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submitted by new contributor Sonja, HI
So he was horny but now he's not? If one needs to be "zen" to understand this sign, then no wonder I passed on Buddhism.

Also....my first non-Christian church sign! And before all the Christians get holier-than-thou, please remember we're working on something like a 600-1 ratio here.

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Once again, I am a finalist in Diesel's caption challenge. And I get a nice little shout-out for having more than one funny entry. Vote for the best caption here.

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Speaking of Diesel, I think I will be able to talk him into my challenge. Just need to sweeten the pot a little.....I will keep you updated.

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On my head, I found a humor-blogs.com....

Keep 'em coming.

I've been wondering that myself for quite some time...

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Randall H., FL
Seriously, folks...we can't put a message up on our marquee until somebody tells us what we stand for!

Man, if there was ever a sign that better encapsulated modern American Christianity in fewer words, I haven't seen it.

Sad.
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Randall H., FL
...you filthy maggot!

"I never considered church before, but now that they've compared it to the Army, color me interested!"

Exactly.

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submitted by new contributor Chris J., CA
Gluttony: One of the Seven Potentially Comic Sins.

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"God Makes It. We Mess It."

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA

The bed?

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"If you don't like the way the cookie crumbles, try the bread of life"

submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.

Now they tell me. I've been trying "The Rhubarb Pie of Death" for weeks now. And let me tell you, it is not very satisfying.

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"Our congregation is like fudge. Mostly sweet with a few nuts."

And some dried-up raisins, too.

Seriously...wouldn't you just turn around and go home if this was on your church marquee?

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"Patience is a virtue that carries a lot of wait."

So is "looking for a quality church sign".

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Still no response from Diesel about the challenge I offered him in my last post (which I feel the need to link to, even though you can just scroll down a few inches and read it). It does appear we have had a moderator offer his services (Thanks, DrObviousSo!!), so I just need a worthy challenger. Or Diesel.

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Don't give God instructions, just report to humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Calling Out Diesel!

First of all, you need to go read Diesel's rather amusing review of Spiderman 3. After reading it, I just wish he had told us how he felt about it.

Second, in his review he claims to have a large array of comic book knowledge. I tend to think that I do as well. I think it would be fun to have a comic-book trivia challenge, featuring the authors of two of the highest rated blogs on humor-blogs.com. We would both write about the contest on our respective blogs, of course, giving two completely biased opinions of the outcome.

It sounds like Diesel has more Marvel knowledge, while I tend more towards DC. So, the questions would have to be balanced between both universes.

We would also need a moderater to create questions and act as judge. This should be someone with some comic book knowledge themselves (or willing to do a lot of research), though obviously they can't have as much comic book knowledge as Diesel or me, since that would cause a rift in the multiverse.

So Diesel....do you accept? Name your requirements for combat, and we shall set a date and time!!

Also, potential moderators may apply for the position in the comments section.

Let us, once and for all, decide who is the bigger geek!!

I INVENTED the "It's not you, it's me!"....

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
Okay, now that we've solved that:
God I have a problem. It's this sign.....
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
I'm a little glad that they didn't qualify their possessive. Thank God for mother's what? There's likely a filthy "yo' mama" joke waiting to be made there.

"Thank God for yo' mama's...."

Apostrophe's are hard.
----------------------------------------------------------------

"The open door of blessing"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
Right next to the closed door of cursing.
----------------------------------------------------------------

"Smooth paths and comfortable living create weak saints."
submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Suzi H., NC
But I'm still a saint? In heaven? Deal.

The first five times I read this, I thought it said "smooth pants". Man, was I confused. More than normal.
--------------------------------------------------

Child, I have a solution...it's humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

She brought this world into this world, and she can take it out of it...

submitted by frequent contributor Chuck S.
Worship was scheduled at 10:30 so it didn't conflict with her Bunko game.
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
...then charge people 10 times its value to have it delivered to someone on a made-up holiday.

Perhaps they should take their own advice in their front yard...then they wouldn't have to worry about not mowing their grass.

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"When is the last time you heard of a Jew or Christian with a bomb strapped to their body?"

seen on WRAL, North Carolina. Submitted by Ferd Ferfel.

It was around the same time I heard of a Muslim shooting up an abortion clinic.

Just...wow. I can't decide if this sign deserves a long rant or if it just speaks for itself...

Ferd also notes that if you visit the link provided, they spelled "Christian" wrong. Why am I not surprised?

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"What do you spend more time doing: Work, Watching TV, Reading the Bible?"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX

I work a minimum of eight hours most days. Is this sign telling me I should read the Bible MORE than eight hours a day? When would I watch TV?

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What do you spend more time doing: work, watching TV, reading humor-blogs.com ?

Keep 'em coming

You could catch a Spiritually Transmitted Disease

submitted by new contributor Kasey Swanke, WI
So if I visit Utah, should I wrap myself in latex?
------------------------------------------------------------------

submitted by new contributor Rev. Stan R.
...and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the desire to take a machete, lighter fluid, and a torch to this sign. For thine is the kingdom....


NOTE: Crummy Church Signs does not in any way endorse the machete-ing or burning of any church signs, no matter how crummy they may appear. Please note that it took the place of "evil" in the original Lord's Prayer. All rights reserved, offer void in Quebec.
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submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
A good laugh is like a hole in my roof?
----------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN

That new one she got is full of lies, though.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

The time I took to read this sign?

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"If the shoe fits, get another just like it"

submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
Or buy one for your other foot instead.
-----------------------------------------------------

“Touch base with God before you strike out.”

submitted by Christine, VA

Geez...exactly what base do they want me to get to with God?

And, as a baseball purist, I must note that they completely mixed their metaphors. Touching bases has nothing to do with striking out. It would have been accurate to say "Make sure you hit God's balls before you strike out." And it would have made about as much sense theologically.

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"Don't watch us grow- come grow with us"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN

Ch-ch-ch-Chia Church!

----------------------------------------------------------

"The lion of the tribe of Judah: Where's your roar?"

two sides of the same sign, submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
Sorry, I only brought my snarl with me today.

----------------------------------------------------------

I would like to congratulate myself and my amazing contributors (many of whom were new) for what I feel might be the funniest single post in the history of CCS. Ridiculous signs, and some especially snarky and funny reviews from everybody. Well done, if I do say so myself. And.... I do.

Which leads me to this point...when I started this blog, I figured it would go for a while, and eventually all I would receive are signs I had already posted, then I would stop posting and everybody would lose interest. I was wrong. I am approaching 600 signs, now. SIX....HUNDRED....DIFFERENT...SIGNS. And this new batch has two of the worst I have ever received (the first two). I am now realizing that this stupid blog might never end.

Am I part of the problem? I had originally hoped to be part of the solution, by pointing out the absurdity that we Christians say and do (I say "we" meaning "me and my fellow Christians"). But it seems that all that has happened from this blog's inception is that churches are making more of an effort to look silly. Is there a secret underground sect of church leaders that endeavors to see themselves on this blog? Is my plan backfiring? What have I done?!?!

I want other hobbies. I want to write about other things. I want crummy church signs to go away. But it's now becoming obvious that in a few years time, I will be "celebrating" my 2000th Crummy Church Sign, or some equally ridiculous anniversary.

Sigh........

----------------------------------

I don't usually participate when I am "tagged" with "memes" (I didn't know what that meant either), but I had some time on my hands, so if you are interested to read about me, Joel, the person behind CCS, you can read the comments section of my previous post.

Thanks to Nic for "tagging" me. Part of the rules say I have to tag 7 more people. I feel like being a rulebreaker tonight.

----------------------------------

Humor-blogs.com is like sunshine in the house.

Keep 'em coming.

Around the Web

Frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney posted a nice little blog entry about yesterday's batch of Crummy Church Signs. Check it out if you get a chance.

Also, today is nearly your last chance to vote in Diesel's caption contest. Yours truly is a finalist, though methinks he didn't even pick my funniest entry to be in the finals.

Have a great weekend!

But not at the same time, please.

submitted/post title by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
As opposed to hug one's job tightly and do one's friends.
---------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
Nice to see this Reformed church has relaxed their denomination's theology a little bit. And by "relaxed", I of course mean "completely disregarded".

(Check out Article 13 of the Belgic Confession from the denomination's own website if you would like to see how badly they botched this sign.)
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
Looks like God ran out of letters after the "&".
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Don't we say "God rest his/her soul" after someone dies? So is this sign asking me if I'm dead?

Uh....."No, but thanks for asking."
------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Ought we be naming youth events after catastrophic displays of God's judgement?

Next month: Catch fire at Sodom and Gomorrah!
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"The greatest remedy for anger is delay."

submitted by frequent contributor Kevin Sample, TX (soon to be TN)
In a clear upset, "Praying about your anger" finished out of the medals.

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"God is like bleach. He gets out stains others can't"

submitted by new contributor Patrick Lesley

Also, He should not be given to children. Or taken internally. Or used in large quantities.

I could go on.

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The only thing to do is hug one's friends tightly and do humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Where's my cigar?

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Randall H., FL
This is a great sign...for me to poop on.
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"What would Jesus say to Hillary Clinton?"
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
JESUS: (sighing) Why not? It's not like you could do much worse.
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"Life is a puzzle. Look here for the missing peace."
This sign is a puzzle. Better just to give up on it.
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Humor-blogs.com is just "dot com" added to humor-blogs

Keep 'em coming.

Somebody was reading their comic books before this sign went up....

submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
Why not just put:
"In brightest day, in blackest night
No evil shall escape My sight
Let those who worship evil's might
Beware My power, The Savior's light!"

If you get that reference, don't get too excited. It just means you're as big a geek as I am.

If you don't get it, here's your info.

Also, maybe the days and nights wouldn't be so dismal if God would get His tears out of there...
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA
On first glance, I thought it said "Are you wasted." Maybe I was.

Besides...do people smell so bad that they can smell them from their cars as they drive past?
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane B., VA

Jesus decided that instead of making all things new again, He's going to save some time and energy and just reuse all the broken parts.

New Jerusalem? Nah, we'll just spruce the old one up a bit. You'd be amazed at what a new coat of paint will do.

-------------------------------------------------submitted by Harry L.

Then, come to our morning service...it's even scarier!

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submitted by Harry L.
This church hired someone to stand at the side of the road and flip people off, but it turns out this sign was much more effective in keeping people away.

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"Worry looks around. Faith looks up."
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Chandler Carriker.
Not all that comforting if the sky is falling.

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"When you're down to nothing, God's up to something."

submitted by Ferd Ferfel, CA

So THAT'S how I got down to nothing. Thanks a lot, God.

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"If you think being meek is weak, try being meek for a week."

submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.

I think they had Green Eggs and Ham for communion this Sunday.

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"May 4th National Day of Prayer: Got nothin' to pray about? Thank God!"

submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Adam W.

Dear God, Thank you for making me shallow enough to not realize that I should be talking to the Creator of the Universe just because I can. Amen.

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"May 6th: Old Fashion Day"

submitted by frequent contributor Adam W.

As opposed to..... ?
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When you're down to nothing, humor-blogs.com is up to something.

Keep 'em coming.

"Singing is like praying twice"

Except in Canada, where singing is like praying 1.6 times.

What the hell is that sign supposed to mean?


"SUMMER & FALL. SIGN UP NOW!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
I don't think I'm going to sign up for summer this year. It's just too hot.

Joel's Note: "Autumn changed into Winter ... Winter changed into Spring ... Spring changed back into Autumn and Autumn gave Winter and Spring a miss and went straight on into Summer ... Until one day ..."

"One destination, many paths."
I didn't realize we had changed our destination to "hell".

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Humor-blogs.com is like praying twice.

Keep 'em coming.