"Sunday Service 11:00.
Women should remain silent in church.
Air Conditioned."
submitted by Emily Bezaire. Sign seen in Leamington, Ontario, Canada.
You sort of expect to see this kind of thinking in the deep south...but the deep south of Canada!?!?
I weep for the motherland.....
Saith Emily, the submitter: Upon seeing this I had the overwhelming urge to walk into this church on Sunday and yell, "IT'S HOT AS HELL IN HERE!!!"
I expect the comments section to be a-jumpin' on this post.
Send in your church signs here. (Women are welcomed, also.)
Thursday, July 6, 2006
Wednesday, July 5, 2006
Hey...when you're hot, you're hot.
submitted AND reviewed by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
I believe the reference is, "All who call on the name of the Lord, will be save." That's found in an entirely new book in the Bible. There has always been Revelations. Now to offset unauthorized "pluralism" that is used by so many, another new book: Paul's letter to the Roman. (Joel's note: I wonder which Roman Paul was writing to?)
Rev. Hendrix says that once again, both sides were identical. Also, his church now offers to lend some "D"'s with the original offer of "S"'s.
Send in more church sign here.
Monday, July 3, 2006
Alas, poor readers....
"Saved
Or not saved.
That is the question."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageously bad church signs, or to take arms against a sea of crumminess, and by opposing end them?
"Satan can never knock you farther than your knees."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Try telling that to this guy (the one on the right).
Went a little highbrow on you on that first review, so I had to revert back to my inner 12-year old on the second one to make up for it.
Celebrating my first July 4th as an American citizen tomorrow. Have a good one. Send 'em in.
Or not saved.
That is the question."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageously bad church signs, or to take arms against a sea of crumminess, and by opposing end them?
"Satan can never knock you farther than your knees."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Try telling that to this guy (the one on the right).
Went a little highbrow on you on that first review, so I had to revert back to my inner 12-year old on the second one to make up for it.
Celebrating my first July 4th as an American citizen tomorrow. Have a good one. Send 'em in.
Sunday, July 2, 2006
From the Church of Holy Testosterone....
"Grow To Be A Conqueror"
submitted, reviewed, and post title by David Finch, DC
I can hear the sermon now: "Awwright you Christian maggots! We're gonna take over that adult book store even if it’s the last thing we do! Johnson! Smith! You sweep their left flank! Jackson, give them cover while we take the right flank! COVERING FIRE! MOVE MOVE MOVE . . . WERE GONNA CONQUER THAT STORE!"
---------------------------------------------
submitted by Rachel, Texas (SpookyRach's Blog)
Burning...like in HELL, sinner!! And apparently, Christ is only strong enough to "maybe" prevent burning. Better get some "fire insurance" too. HAR!
By the way, doesn't the top part of that sign make it look like the Jetson's go to church there? Maybe it's just me.....
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submitted by James, Canada
I have reviewed this one already here, but it's so incredibly bad I like posting pictures of it every time they are sent in.
"God's never 'back in 5 minutes'"
submitted by Jane Kelley, Cincinatti, OH
Yep. He's gone for good.
"Children have more need of models than critics."
submitted by Jane Kelley, Cincinatti, OH
And from the ages of 18-23, I would have voraciously argued that I had more need of a model (or models!) than any child did.
"God so loved the world that He did'nt send a committee."
submitted by Jane Kelley, Cincinatti, OH
I'm guessing the deacon's meeting this week "did'nt" go as smoothly as the pastor had hoped.
And, yeah, Jane made sure to point out that the punctuation on the sign was as it is above. Yipes.
"The building of champions"
So the church softball team had a really good season, I guess?!? I wonder if they poured grape juice on their coach when they won....
Jane also sent a sign in from The Bahamas, but I have already reviewed it somewhere. I will add an international section to the Map of Crumminess, though.
As a matter of fact, the Map of Crumminess has received a thorough update.
Lay 'em on me.
submitted, reviewed, and post title by David Finch, DC
I can hear the sermon now: "Awwright you Christian maggots! We're gonna take over that adult book store even if it’s the last thing we do! Johnson! Smith! You sweep their left flank! Jackson, give them cover while we take the right flank! COVERING FIRE! MOVE MOVE MOVE . . . WERE GONNA CONQUER THAT STORE!"
---------------------------------------------
submitted by Rachel, Texas (SpookyRach's Blog)
Burning...like in HELL, sinner!! And apparently, Christ is only strong enough to "maybe" prevent burning. Better get some "fire insurance" too. HAR!
By the way, doesn't the top part of that sign make it look like the Jetson's go to church there? Maybe it's just me.....
-----------------------------------------------
submitted by James, Canada
I have reviewed this one already here, but it's so incredibly bad I like posting pictures of it every time they are sent in.
"God's never 'back in 5 minutes'"
submitted by Jane Kelley, Cincinatti, OH
Yep. He's gone for good.
"Children have more need of models than critics."
submitted by Jane Kelley, Cincinatti, OH
And from the ages of 18-23, I would have voraciously argued that I had more need of a model (or models!) than any child did.
"God so loved the world that He did'nt send a committee."
submitted by Jane Kelley, Cincinatti, OH
I'm guessing the deacon's meeting this week "did'nt" go as smoothly as the pastor had hoped.
And, yeah, Jane made sure to point out that the punctuation on the sign was as it is above. Yipes.
"The building of champions"
So the church softball team had a really good season, I guess?!? I wonder if they poured grape juice on their coach when they won....
Jane also sent a sign in from The Bahamas, but I have already reviewed it somewhere. I will add an international section to the Map of Crumminess, though.
As a matter of fact, the Map of Crumminess has received a thorough update.
Lay 'em on me.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
I am thinking of an eighth......
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
"This may be no bowling alley, but it is a straight and narrow lane."
Mmmm....Lord's supper today was PBR and chili fries.
Good thing the road I was on was also straight, or I might have driven off the road after reading this. It also, I might add, had a picture of a bowling ball knocking over a couple of pins. I may have to go take a picture. Yep...I am. I will post it tomorrow.
I wonder if you have to rent shoes when you enter the sanctuary......
"Do you take after your father?"
submitted by Wes Kenney, OK. Sign from Paris, TX
Does everyone want to take after their father? No, I doubt it. What a stupid sign. Way to remind people of potentially terrible familial relationships and alienate them further from the church. And if they meant "Heavenly Father", perhaps a strategically placed capital letter would help (though, admittedly, not much).
I am guessing this one might get some disagreement from the readers. It doesn't seem that bad on the surface, I will admit it. Picture, however, a young person driving down the road, one whose father was an alcoholic and perhaps abused that person, or abused the mother. An all too unfortnately common scenario in today's culture. Then that person sees that sign. What are they gonna think about that church: Judgemental? Insensitive? Unwise? Irrelevant to their lives? Probably at least one of those, maybe worse.
I am sure their heart was in the right place, but that sign is Way Crummy.
"You too have a marquee - it is your life."
submitted by Wes Kenney from the same church as the previous sign.
And I hope to goodness that you do a better job with it than this church does with its signs.
Your turn.
Good thing the road I was on was also straight, or I might have driven off the road after reading this. It also, I might add, had a picture of a bowling ball knocking over a couple of pins. I may have to go take a picture. Yep...I am. I will post it tomorrow.
I wonder if you have to rent shoes when you enter the sanctuary......
"Do you take after your father?"
submitted by Wes Kenney, OK. Sign from Paris, TX
Does everyone want to take after their father? No, I doubt it. What a stupid sign. Way to remind people of potentially terrible familial relationships and alienate them further from the church. And if they meant "Heavenly Father", perhaps a strategically placed capital letter would help (though, admittedly, not much).
I am guessing this one might get some disagreement from the readers. It doesn't seem that bad on the surface, I will admit it. Picture, however, a young person driving down the road, one whose father was an alcoholic and perhaps abused that person, or abused the mother. An all too unfortnately common scenario in today's culture. Then that person sees that sign. What are they gonna think about that church: Judgemental? Insensitive? Unwise? Irrelevant to their lives? Probably at least one of those, maybe worse.
I am sure their heart was in the right place, but that sign is Way Crummy.
"You too have a marquee - it is your life."
submitted by Wes Kenney from the same church as the previous sign.
And I hope to goodness that you do a better job with it than this church does with its signs.
Your turn.
Monday, June 26, 2006
If only I had known the date beforehand....
submitted by Jon Hoffman. Sign from Athens, GA.
So sorry to get this out one day late. Apparently, this church had yesterday pegged as the day we would all be in over our heads. Oh well. Hope everyone survived.
I'm guessing this is a sermon title or something, but it definitely raises more questions than it answers.
Send 'em in.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Sign For The Dumped.
submitted by Rachel, TX (SpookyRach's Blog)
Yeah, He won't lose any sleep over it. As a matter of fact, He's already over it. You know what? He was gonna dump you anyhow. I even heard He was seeing other people. He has a lot of positive characteristics that are going to be attractive to a lot of people, and if you can't see that, then He doesn't need you. When you get out there and start seeing other people, then you'll see what you're giving up. Then you'll be sorry. You'll come crawling back, but then it will be too late because He will have moved on. Quite honestly, I can't even believe it lasted this long....
This church obviously has no Calvinist tendencies whatsoever.
Notice another upside-down "M" substituting as a "W".
I also think it's funny that this church can't decide which avenue it is located on.
Props to Ben Folds for the inspiration for the post title.
Bring 'em on.
Friday, June 23, 2006
"Out on the limb is where the fruit grows"
submitted by Cheryl and Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I suppose this is encouraging us to go "out on a limb" so we can "get the fruit".....but isn't that what Adam and Eve did?
More! More!
I suppose this is encouraging us to go "out on a limb" so we can "get the fruit".....but isn't that what Adam and Eve did?
More! More!
Thursday, June 22, 2006
"Increase in Favor and Miracles"
submitted by Wes Kenney, OK. Sign from Mt. Pleasant, TX
It's time for 20 Questions with the author of this sign!
1. Do I get this increase just by driving past this sign?
2. How many times do I have to drive past?
3. Favor with whom?
4. Did you mean "flavor" instead?
5. Can I pick my flavor?
6. Sour Cream 'n Onion?
7. Prailines 'n Cream?
8. Not "Flavor"? Oh. My bad.
9. What category of miracles?
10. Like Water into Wine?
11. Or like the Blessed Virgin in my french toast?
12. 'Cause, quite honestly, I'm not really interested in that last type of miracle.
(SORRY, #12 wasn't a question).
12. How much of an "increase" can I hope for? Greater than 50%?
13. So I actually have to attend the church to get this increase?
14. Oh. Why doesn't it say so on your sign?
(SORRY, #14 wasn't a "yes" or "no" question.)
14. How many times do I need to attend?
15. These miracles and increases are GUARANTEED?
16. What about all those Christians in Africa who are suffering? Did God lie to them?
17. I'm just saying, if Christianity is all about increase and favor and miracles, what about Christians in other parts of the world (or other parts of history) who have suffered? Did God lie to them?
18. Would you like to change your sign now?
19. You were gonna ask me for money when I attended, weren't you?
20. Wouldn't it be a pretty cool miracle if we could change our flavor? Heh heh.
And, my answer upon the conclusion of 20 questions, is that this sign SUCKS.
Keep 'em coming.
It's time for 20 Questions with the author of this sign!
1. Do I get this increase just by driving past this sign?
2. How many times do I have to drive past?
3. Favor with whom?
4. Did you mean "flavor" instead?
5. Can I pick my flavor?
6. Sour Cream 'n Onion?
7. Prailines 'n Cream?
8. Not "Flavor"? Oh. My bad.
9. What category of miracles?
10. Like Water into Wine?
11. Or like the Blessed Virgin in my french toast?
12. 'Cause, quite honestly, I'm not really interested in that last type of miracle.
(SORRY, #12 wasn't a question).
12. How much of an "increase" can I hope for? Greater than 50%?
13. So I actually have to attend the church to get this increase?
14. Oh. Why doesn't it say so on your sign?
(SORRY, #14 wasn't a "yes" or "no" question.)
14. How many times do I need to attend?
15. These miracles and increases are GUARANTEED?
16. What about all those Christians in Africa who are suffering? Did God lie to them?
17. I'm just saying, if Christianity is all about increase and favor and miracles, what about Christians in other parts of the world (or other parts of history) who have suffered? Did God lie to them?
18. Would you like to change your sign now?
19. You were gonna ask me for money when I attended, weren't you?
20. Wouldn't it be a pretty cool miracle if we could change our flavor? Heh heh.
And, my answer upon the conclusion of 20 questions, is that this sign SUCKS.
Keep 'em coming.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
"Don't go through life, grow through life."
submitted by David Finch, DC
Yeah, why not? Mikey likes it.
Yeah, why not? Mikey likes it.
Monday, June 19, 2006
"I was going to waste, but then Jesus recycled me."
submitted by Livvie Bee, Bristol, England (Livvie's blog)
2 Corinthians 5:17: "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation...actually, he is more like a recycled creation, looks new but really made out of the same old material."
Psalm 40:3: "He put a new song in my heart....actually, it was more like a crappy remake of an old classic than a really "new" song, but hey, if we have a computer polish up the crappy parts we can probably sell a few thousand albums or so."
Look, if all Jesus did was recycle me, then he really didn't do a whole &#^% of a lot, did He? If I am recycled it means I made up of the same old sinful parts. I think when Paul says "new creation", he means it.
Most of my reviews don't contain so much "theology" (har), but this sign was bad enough for me to break out the Strong's Concordance. I'll continue with the quick hits next time.
Thanks to Livvie for a submission from somewhere other than the deep American south. This makes the 4th different country with submissions (US, Canada, Australia, England). Maybe it's time to expand the Map of Crumminess?
Keep 'em coming.
2 Corinthians 5:17: "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation...actually, he is more like a recycled creation, looks new but really made out of the same old material."
Psalm 40:3: "He put a new song in my heart....actually, it was more like a crappy remake of an old classic than a really "new" song, but hey, if we have a computer polish up the crappy parts we can probably sell a few thousand albums or so."
Look, if all Jesus did was recycle me, then he really didn't do a whole &#^% of a lot, did He? If I am recycled it means I made up of the same old sinful parts. I think when Paul says "new creation", he means it.
Most of my reviews don't contain so much "theology" (har), but this sign was bad enough for me to break out the Strong's Concordance. I'll continue with the quick hits next time.
Thanks to Livvie for a submission from somewhere other than the deep American south. This makes the 4th different country with submissions (US, Canada, Australia, England). Maybe it's time to expand the Map of Crumminess?
Keep 'em coming.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Are you saying that it SHOULD be??
both signs submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Patriotism gone WAY to far? A nifty craft time for kids? Or a new style of Sunday morning worship? Come to our church and see!
----------------------------------------------
(Same sign, other side)
So, I suppose this is to answer the other side of the sign? Here are my questions:
1. Really, how many people in Alabama can read Hebrew? Not many, until they start printing Hebrew advertisements on NASCAR drivers. (Sorry, Alabama, I would've said the same thing about Tennessee....)
2. Which Jew: Sammy Davis Jr.? Jerry Seinfeld? Or should I just consider "the Jew" in general?
I think the sign says "Jesus is Messiah", but c'mon, couldn't it have been written in English to serve more passers-by? Looks like somebody took a correspondence course and had to show off what he/she learned.
Keep 'em coming.
Patriotism gone WAY to far? A nifty craft time for kids? Or a new style of Sunday morning worship? Come to our church and see!
----------------------------------------------
(Same sign, other side)
So, I suppose this is to answer the other side of the sign? Here are my questions:
1. Really, how many people in Alabama can read Hebrew? Not many, until they start printing Hebrew advertisements on NASCAR drivers. (Sorry, Alabama, I would've said the same thing about Tennessee....)
2. Which Jew: Sammy Davis Jr.? Jerry Seinfeld? Or should I just consider "the Jew" in general?
I think the sign says "Jesus is Messiah", but c'mon, couldn't it have been written in English to serve more passers-by? Looks like somebody took a correspondence course and had to show off what he/she learned.
Keep 'em coming.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
"Need men of integrity, not popularity"
Please tell me God is not so desperate that He is resorting to personal ads:
"TG seeks N/S N/D MOINP for LTR. "
Anyone caring to guess what the personal ad might stand for can do so in the comments section. I will post my answer later on.
"TG seeks N/S N/D MOINP for LTR. "
Anyone caring to guess what the personal ad might stand for can do so in the comments section. I will post my answer later on.
Monday, June 12, 2006
"Come get your freak on for Jesus"
submitted by Wes Kenney, via the Purgatorio website (picture included)
To the pastors of this church, I offer this link: Ouch, betcha wish you knew this beforehand.
---------------------------------------------
submitted by Miss Kitty from Educated and Poor. Sign from LaGrange, GA
Why can't he just send me a note so I can check "yes" or "no", like everyone else does? This sign and sentiment only appeal to kids so young that they can't read yet, so it doesn't really serve a purpose.
----------------------------------------------
submitted by Dave Birdwhistell
You mean hiding in houses, trying to escape persecution from Roman soldiers?
----------------------------------------------
"God is always online, never a busy signal."
submitted AND reviewed by Kelly Quinn
FINALLY! God got DSL.
"Seven days without prayer makes one weak."
submitted AND reviewed by David Finch, DC
And seven words on this church sign make it weak.
(I have already reviewed this sign somewhere on here, but David's is better, so there it is.)
Thanks for your patience waiting for an update, but that first one alone has got to make it worth it!
Keep 'em coming.
To the pastors of this church, I offer this link: Ouch, betcha wish you knew this beforehand.
---------------------------------------------
submitted by Miss Kitty from Educated and Poor. Sign from LaGrange, GA
Why can't he just send me a note so I can check "yes" or "no", like everyone else does? This sign and sentiment only appeal to kids so young that they can't read yet, so it doesn't really serve a purpose.
----------------------------------------------
submitted by Dave Birdwhistell
You mean hiding in houses, trying to escape persecution from Roman soldiers?
----------------------------------------------
"God is always online, never a busy signal."
submitted AND reviewed by Kelly Quinn
FINALLY! God got DSL.
"Seven days without prayer makes one weak."
submitted AND reviewed by David Finch, DC
And seven words on this church sign make it weak.
(I have already reviewed this sign somewhere on here, but David's is better, so there it is.)
Thanks for your patience waiting for an update, but that first one alone has got to make it worth it!
Keep 'em coming.
Friday, June 9, 2006
Updates begin again next week....
I have received some absolutely horrible signs that I can't wait to review, but I'm on vacation and won't be able to update next week. Keep sending them in, and check in again around the 13th.....
Tuesday, June 6, 2006
"Be the soul patrol for Jesus"
submitted by Kyle Evans. Sign from Boaz, Alabama
Okay, Jesus! I am ON THE JOB:
Found some soul!
And some more!
Here's more!
This guy's got some serious soul!
However, there is absolutely NO soul to be found here.
Okay, Jesus, you just let me know if you need me to find more soul. I am ON PATROL. Can I get a T-Shirt?
Funny also that Kyle points out the church this came from was Sonrise Baptist. They not only have a Crummy Church Sign, they have a Crummy Church Name.
Okay, Jesus! I am ON THE JOB:
Found some soul!
And some more!
Here's more!
This guy's got some serious soul!
However, there is absolutely NO soul to be found here.
Okay, Jesus, you just let me know if you need me to find more soul. I am ON PATROL. Can I get a T-Shirt?
Funny also that Kyle points out the church this came from was Sonrise Baptist. They not only have a Crummy Church Sign, they have a Crummy Church Name.
Friday, June 2, 2006
"Jesus is the rock that doesn't roll."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Try telling that to these guys.
"You can trust the Bible. Come Sunday and find out how."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Umm....do you think they meant to put "how" at the end of that? Perhaps "why" is what they meant?
"The key to knowing Jesus is...relationship."
submitted by Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
A key to a crummy church sign is....ellipses.
Also, can I get an article in front of relationship, please? A? The? Any?
Also, I have rather reluctantly joined the MySpace community, in case anyone is interested. Mostly, I will use it as a vehicle to subject the world to more of my old band's music. Go listen, download, make friends, play nice. If anyone wants to help me make it not look ridiculous, feel free to contact. Link: http://www.myspace.com/joelbezaire
I will keep it linked on the right also.
Keep 'em coming.
Try telling that to these guys.
"You can trust the Bible. Come Sunday and find out how."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Umm....do you think they meant to put "how" at the end of that? Perhaps "why" is what they meant?
"The key to knowing Jesus is...relationship."
submitted by Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
A key to a crummy church sign is....ellipses.
Also, can I get an article in front of relationship, please? A? The? Any?
Also, I have rather reluctantly joined the MySpace community, in case anyone is interested. Mostly, I will use it as a vehicle to subject the world to more of my old band's music. Go listen, download, make friends, play nice. If anyone wants to help me make it not look ridiculous, feel free to contact. Link: http://www.myspace.com/joelbezaire
I will keep it linked on the right also.
Keep 'em coming.
Thursday, June 1, 2006
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