The Self Portraiteers

Head on over to The Snark today, for my weekly guest post.

This week, it's a change of pace from my normal Crummy Letters.

Instead, please for your enjoyment, the internet premiere of the mockumentary, The Self Portraiteers. Co-starring me.

Enjoy.

Keep your hand on the humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

And I give it an F.

submitted (and post title) by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA

Answers like that are where "E) All of the Above" comes in handy.
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submitted by frequent contributor Ryan D., MI
And, starting today, prayer also costs $4.95 a shot.
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submitted by frequent contributor Ryan D., MI
Jesus hit the disciples' knuckles with wooden rulers?!?
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"God is looking for people with transparent integrity"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
Is transparent integrity like Harry Potter's invisibility cloak? Even God can't see you?
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Thanks also to Ryan who directed me to this recent article by the Christian Post, that quotes yours truly.

Apparently, journalism is quite simple these days: Instead of actually contacting a source for a quote, just look up something he typed somewhere on the internet and disregard the fact that the author may have signed over the rights to that particular piece of work. Oh, and completely forget to credit the website where you found the quote as well.

Other than that, I actually enjoyed the article (really)!

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Humor-blogs.com is looking for people with transparent clothes.

Keep 'em coming (NEW EMAIL...CHANGE YOUR ADDRESS BOOKS!)

Yeah....it's alright, I guess.

submitted and reviewed by frequent contributor Mile High Pixie, CO
Is Martha Stewart preaching this Sunday?
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submitted by frequent contributor Wes Kenney, OK
In fact, it's probably best if you don't tell God anything. He's pretty busy right now.
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"God hates homosexuals, and so do we!"
submitted by new contributor Sammi H., AR
John 3:16: For God so hated homosexuals that He gave His one and only Son, that....

What, no? That's not how it goes?

2 Peter 3:9: ....God is patient with you, not wanting any to perish (except those damned homosexuals)....

No? Not that either??

James 2:10: For whoever keeps the law and yet stumbles at just one point should consider themselves superior to other people and take every opportunity to be condescending....

NO?? REALLY?!?!

That Bible can be a pesky little book, especially when it totally disagrees with your "theology".
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"If you lie with dogs, you will get fleas."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Steve Sensenig, NC
If there were Pharisees today, this is exactly how they would have spoken to Jesus. ("Don't hang out with those tax collectors and prostitutes, Jesus...If you lie with dogs, you'll get fleas!")


Hey church, I found Jesus for you. I think if you turn around about 180 degrees, you'll find Him.
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In case you missed yesterdays post amongst all the book release hubbub, make sure you check out the music video.
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Don't tell God how big your humor-blogs.com is....

Keep 'em coming (We're getting better at using the new email address....please make a note of it.)

Antisocial Commentary Release Party!

Diesel, noted friend of CCS, and the genius behind Mattress Police and Humor-Blogs.com (and one of the leading genii on the internet) is publishing his first book and today he is celebrating with an online release party...head on over and check it out.

The book will retail for $11.95 plus shipping, but today you can order it for $9.95 with free shipping and it will be autographed by Diesel himself! Not one of those fake, online autographs either! Real ink and everything!

Place an order today!

If I may talk seriously about comedy for a moment....you won't find much funnier content than what's in this book. Diesel is a riot, and you owe it to yourself to purchase this book and read it. You won't be sorry.

Go buy one now. I personally guarantee your satisfaction, or your money back.*

*Applies to shipping and handling only.

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Since today's post is completely unrelated to Crummy Church Signs, I thought I might throw this at you as well. Some of you know I used to play in a band. I finally got around to uploading our only music video. I thought some of my longtime readers might enjoy seeing this. I'm the bass player, and this was filmed back when I had hair :) . The girl in the video is my sister, frequent contributor to CCS Emily. Enjoy!



"Hear It Come" Music Video

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Would you like to fry with that?

submitted by Molly Bjork, WI
...thanks to signs like these that drive people away from church.
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"It's not easy being piggy"
submitted by frequent contributor Beau S.
Not easy being green....not easy being piggy....these two have it really rough.

Y'know, it's hard to make fun of signs when you have absolutely no point of reference for what the crap they were trying to say. Any ideas?
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"Jesus Christ GOD R Done!"
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Bill Beatty
...as spoken by the prophet Larry of Cable.
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Make sure you check back tomorrow for a huge, worldwide, virtual PARTY! You won't want to miss it!
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Humor-blogs.com. Super-sizing daily.

Keep 'em coming (Note the new address, all you contributors).

Civil Snark

I'm back guest-posting at Central Snark today. It's a pretty weak effort on my part (sorry, OHP), but if you've been there before you'll know what I'm talking about. Enjoy (or at least tolerate) my letter to the civil engineers in my town. If you don't visit and read it they may not invite me back to try and redeem myself, so at least give it a shot....please?!?

More crumminess to come.

"God-ade. Is He In You?"

submitted by new contributor Steve Sensenig, NC
The gospel writers got it wrong. Those weren't drops of blood Jesus was sweating. They were drops of Fruit Punch flavored God-ade. It was in Him!
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"Come Celebate Mother's Day With Us"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic. Seen here of Flickr.
Reminds me of the old joke about a monk transcribing, as they have for centuries, an extremely ancient manuscript on monasticism. He suddenly burst into furious tears. When asked what was wrong, he said "the word is CELEBRATE! CELEBRATE!"
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"God is like Tide. He gets out the stains others leave behind."
submitted by new contributor Kendra L.
Also, he comes and goes like the Tide, too.

Wait...
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"Exposure to the sun may prevent burning."
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
Look...if you're going to use a stupid play on words, at least choose the correct homophone to make your point.

Exposure to this sign may prevent intelligence.
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Humor-blogs.com. Is it in you?

Keep 'em coming. (Frequent contributors: Please note the new email for contributions)

Christine's Crummy Vacation

Frequent Contributor Christine recently took a trip from VA to FL and back, and unloaded a slew of church signs on us. This entire post is dedicated to Christine's Vacation of Crumminess:

"Birthdays are good – the more you have the longer you live."
...and the longer you stay away from that "heaven" place.
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"He who has no fire in himself cannot warm others."

And he isn't nearly as much fun at parties.
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"Sunday: How *not* to get to Heaven."
Do we need help?
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"Trees don’t produce fruit for themselves."
For real? Has science screwed this one up too?
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"Start the fire: Wednesday, Thursday, Friday."
Put it out: Saturday, Sunday, Monday.
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"Welcome truckers, bikers. Altar open daily"
Car drivers: Altar closed.
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" 'I got robbed at Calvary Christian Center.' -Satan"
I robbed Satan at Calvary Christian Center.' -Some chump who is for sure lying.
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"Sometimes the cross we bear isn’t ours."
Well, congratu-freakin'-lations.

Maybe at church, our focus should be one the guy who bore our cross for us. Just a thought.
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Thanks, Christine! I hope your vacation wasn't marred by the crumminess of these signs. If the rest of you think she should have spent more time vacationing and less time writing down crummy church signs...well, I only used about half of the ones she submitted!


For those keeping score at home, Christine helped with the reviews on signs #3 and #5. In fact, #5 was all hers.

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I got robbed at humor-blogs.com - Satan


Keep 'em coming: NOTE TO ALL CONTRIBUTORS: I am eventually closing down my Yahoo mail account, to focus my email attention on the vastly superior Gmail. The new address will be reflected in all future "Keep 'em coming-s", as it is reflected in the two previous ones in this paragraph and the sidebar to the left. No biggie if you can't remember for a while, but I will eventually shut down the Yahoo account completely.

All in favor?

submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries, MI
So let's form a political group called "The Moral Majority".....
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submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
First things first....what are we playing?
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submitted by new contributor John Rottet, NC
Well, I certainly hope they asked the Holy Ghost first.
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submitted by Jill Van Horne, NC
Jesus Christ and Air Conditioning...the best inventions since sliced bread.

See...the way they used "cool" as a double meaning...THAT'S how a church sign should be done, folks.
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submitted by Jill Van Horne, NC
To make it fair, He doesn't get to use his hands OR his feet.
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"Everyone Has The Patience. The Wise Use It."
submitted by frequent contributor Joy Cook, NC
The Patience? Is that sort of like The Force? Is there a "dark side"? Are "The Wise" like Jedis?
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"I Love My Church" -Pastor Bruce
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Joy Cook, NC
I think I would also love any church dedicated to me.

(Maybe Pastor Bruce should read this...)
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"Summer is God's way of saying He loves us!"
submitted by new contributor Sonny Huisman
And February is His way of saying "It's strictly platonic".
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Whew...this'll teach me to go on vacation for a couple of days. I'm only about half done catching up. I still have a slew of signs to go. More tomorrow!

Humor-blogs.com is Diesel's way of saying He loves us!

Keep 'em coming.

Detroit Snark City

It's Central Snark time again! This time I take on an entire city, specifically its highway system (and I use the word "system" extremely loosely).

Back with more crumminess tomorrow.

Keep 'em coming.

July 111? Wacky, Indeed.

submitted by Rachael B, OH
I guess any Wednesday that falls on the eleventy-first can indeed be classified as "wacky", no matter what happens on that day.

I'm not so sure about the twenty-fifth, though.
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submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
But Calvinism? Now THERE'S a spectator's sport.
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submitted and asst. reviewed by new contributor Lincoln Rose, WA

So all of you without your 2.5 kids and your white picket fence, you had better conform!! There is no individuality in God's Kingdom!!
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"Praying for the words to pray."

submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Sarah M., VA

Uh oh.... Conundrum!

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I am currently visiting family in Canada, and saw this one yesterday:

"Oops I did it again"

What....stole somebody's spouse, had a couple kids, got divorced, packed on 35 lbs., bounced in and out of rehab, showed the entire world your hoo-hah, and then shaved your hair clean off?

Or is that just a sermon title?

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These last few my father saw as he drove from Tennessee up to Canada:

"A rumor is the only thing that gets thicker when you spread it."

submitted by frequent contributor Bruce Bezaire, TN

I like my rumors extra chunky.

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"Science without God is lame. God without science is blind."

submitted by frequent contributor Bruce Bezaire, TN

I guess God better quit listening to all those prayers and start reading his Chemistry books before He goes blind.

Seriously...God is blind? On your church sign?

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Dad also saw a church named "Bright Idea Missionary Baptist Church". I think that's my favorite name ever. We can just picture their logo: God with a pensive look on his face, finger to chin, with a light bulb over his head.

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Humor-blogs.com is not a spectator sport.

Keep 'em coming.

Honey!! Did you remember to pack the Messiah??

Jesus: Now in handy Travel Size!

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"Two sets of footprints: God walked with you. One set of footprints: God carried you."

No sets of footprints: God flew you around in His kick-ass hovercraft!!
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“Those not interested in church wouldn’t find heaven exciting either!”
submitted by frequent contributor Tracy R., SC
Yeah. Christians should just forget about trying to reach those people.

I'm guessing heaven is a teensy bit better than church. Just a guess.

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“Able to go to yard sales, you’re able to go to church”
submitted by frequent contributor Tracy R., SC
Yeah, but they ask for so much less money at yard sales.
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Able to go to yard sales, you're able to go to humor-blogs.com


Keep 'em coming.

Farther than they think.

submitted by new contributors Ryan and Nancy D., MI


Yes. How far we have indeed strayed from the fine Christian example of our founding fathers. Take, for example, Thomas Jefferson.


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submitted by new contributors Ryan and Nancy D., MI
This Sunday, we're going to be having a serious discussion about abstinence. Girls, wear your bikinis!!


Seriously, though...EVERY Sunday?

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submitted by new contributors Ryan and Nancy D., MI


There's got to be a catch. Nobody can just "give away" hotdogs.


I'm guessing this isn't an outreach event to the Jewish community.
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submitted by new contributors Ryan and Nancy D., MI


I wonder if missionaries in Africa ever give this sermon?


I suppose we should give them some credit for not going with the obvious "How to break being broke."


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submitted by new contributors Ryan and Nancy D., MI


Well done, thou good, faithful, and grinning servant....


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"Revival is here. Come get some."


submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
Ah, but does it come with free hot dogs?!?
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Thanks to Ryan and Nancy for the slew of crumminess on their first submission. Everyone needs to check out their blog, and see the awesome ministry that they will be undertaking in India. There's even a link to donate, if you're so inclined.

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Humor-blogs.com is here. Come get some.

Keep 'em coming.

For God's Next Act: Squaring The Circle

submitted by frequent contributor Micah L., MN
I bet Moses sure wishes God had summed it up like this for him. Would have saved him an awful lot of writing in Genesis.


God is apparently now looking to drunken French mathematicians/philosophers for His inspiration. Nice.
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submitted by new contributor Amy Jones, AL
Note to self: When starting our church, make sure and spell the church's name correctly on our permanent sign.
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"In Dependance of God"
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y., TN
...and independent from dictionaries, too!
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Humor-blogs.com exists, therefore you are.



Keep 'em coming.

Snarkin' on Snobs

It's time once again for my guest post at Central Snark. Hope you enjoy it as I light up a rock-n'-roll snob that I recently encountered.

Back with more crumminess tomorrow.

Keep 'em coming.

That's what she said.

submitted by new contributor Stephen Kellam
And size. That's really important, too.



What? We're just talking about my upcoming fantasy football draft...aren't we?!?
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"Grace. So easy a caveman could do it."
submitted by new contributor Stephen Kellam
Yeah, God. Quit making such a big friggin' deal about your grace. This sign says it's easy.
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"Your tongue is a wet place. Don't let it slip."
submitted by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic. Seen on Flickr.
French Kissing: The Unforgivable Sin.
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Humor-blogs.com is a wet place.



Keep 'em coming.

Don't Call It A Comeback...

submitted by frequent contributor Micah L., MN
...but He probably won't.
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Micah L., MN
I'm guessing this week's sermon isn't going to be on Proverbs 15:29.
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"The church is a people."
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.
The groan is a zombies.
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The humor-blogs.com is a people. A funny people.

Keep 'em coming.

Dueteronomy Can Kick Megatron's Butt.

submitted AND reviewed by James Gilmore
The Bible: More Than Meets The Eye.

Does this mean we can start calling false prophets "Decepticons" now? Gosh, I hope so.
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submitted by James Gilmore
I think they're using a different translation than the rest of us.
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submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Umm... He's probably a normal sized Jewish guy, actually.

Besides, isn't that a question and not an exclamation!
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I will simply accept my reward in heaven for keeping that last review as clean as possible. No thanks to Miss Kitty, for attempting to put other notions in my head during her email. :) (Just kiddin', MK).

How big is your humor-blogs.com!

Keep 'em coming.

Little Orphan Annie will be crushed.

Yesterday would be interested to know this.

Any ideas as to what this even means? I'm lost.
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"Love is an action verb, just do it."
submitted by new contributor Katie Jared, FL
Huh...I wonder how long until Nike starts making birth control?
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"If you pause to think,
you'll have cause to thank."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Well, let me put that to the test: I'm thinking that "think" and "thank" rhyme for the people at this church, and I'm thankful I'm not a member there. Wow! They're right!
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"Don't lessen the lesson"
...unless you're gellin'. Like Magellan.
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Humor-blogs.com is an action verb. Just do it.

Keep 'em coming.

I Can't Drive Sixty-Five

My full humor blogs dot com review has been posted.

I "earned" a respectable score of 65 (69 being the highest score given so far, I think), which I was somewhat surprised with, given the one-trick-pony nature of my blog.

Thanks to all the fine reviewers who took the time to peruse the site, and thanks for the suggestions. Thanks to Diesel for setting up the review process for all of us. Oh, and Diesel, about Dionne: You're right, I knew.

Tomorrow...back with more crumminess. But not TOO much, because I now want my post lengths to be shorter :)

Oh Say Can You Snark...

Back from my trip to St. Loo to see The Police in concert. Great stuff.

Happy 4th everyone! Be sure to check out my holiday-themed crummy letter over at Central Snark, if you haven't already. By the way, with my recent concert adventures you can expect another music-themed crummy letter shortly.

Have a great holiday!

Cell Phone Sign #54:

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Unfortunately, you have limited minutes.

The cell phone related signs....never....stop...coming.
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submitted by new contributor Brian D.
This sign (when using proper English) is a frequently contributed sign. It "don't" really improve much with the crappy grammar, does it?
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"Drowning the voices. VBS 2007."

submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.

This year's VBS is sponsored by Jack Daniels and the American Psychological Association.

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"God wants Spiritual Fruit, not Religious Nuts"

submitted by Christopher W., NY

Amazing how the message of this sign would change if I could only add the letter "s" to one little word.....

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"Jesus there is something about that name."

submitted by frequent contributor Joy C., NC

Yes...it's almost as if I've heard it somewhere before...

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Okay, I'm out of town for a couple of days (seeing The Police is St. Louis...hooray!), so here are a couple of preemptive links:

I think tomorrow (Tuesday) I have another guest post forthcoming at Central Snark (maybe my best Crummy Letter yet....)

Crummy Church Signs was recently reviewed by the crack staff at humor-blogs. It looks like my score will be pretty decent, nothing earth shattering, but the review should be posted in the next couple of days.

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Drowning the voices: Humor-blogs.com 2007

Keep 'em coming.