Take a look at them now....

submitted by Duane Brown, VA
Speaking of odds, I'll put 4-1 on this church making it onto this website at least one more time.
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submitted by Duane Brown, VA
"Guest paster"?? Do they really advertise who is helping with craft time in Sunday School?

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submitted AND reviewed by Duane Brown, VA
I'll come back when the outlook's a little brighter, thanks.

Joel's note: I agree with the sign. Maybe such a statement deserves more than 6 words of explanation, though.


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submitted AND reviewed by Duane Brown, VA
Wow...if it wasn't for this church sign, I would have forgotten!
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submitted by Duane Brown, VA

Nothing like a bunch of teenagers to dispense valuable insight and wisdom....
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submitted AND reviewed by Duane Brown, VA

It's January 31...is Jesus the reason for hockey season, too?!?

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"Overtime may bring home the bacon, but not the bread of life."

submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA

Now if only we could find a metaphor involving lettuce and tomatoes...then at least we could make a yummy metaphorical BLT.

Obviously, Duane needs to hit the frequent contributors page. Nicely done, sir.

Keep 'em coming.

Listed on humor-blogs.com

This is the kind of sign we get when the V.A. starts handing out Viagra....

submitted AND thread titled by f.c. Miss Kitty, GA
This church puts the "luck" in potluck dinners, if you know what I mean...

"Where are you going when you're not going to heaven?
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
"WHEN"? What have they heard about us?!?

"Give the TV the boot, and you'll make more loot."
submitted by Les DuLunch, GA. Reviewed by his wife.
That's not what TBN tells me.

"New year. New day. Same God."
submitted AND reviewed by Les DuLunch, GA.
What am I supposed to say to that? Two outta three ain't bad?

"Life is an echo. You receive back what you send out."
This was at a baptist church...I guess their three sacraments are now baptism, Lord's Supper, and....karma?

"New Sermon Series: 'Why Be Baptist?' "
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
And as for "Why not?": Well, signs like this, I guess.

"We Follow the Prince of Peace. Join Us!"
"Let There Be Peace on Earth and Let it Begin With Us"
Opposite sides of the same sign.
submitted and asst. reviewed by Emily Bezaire, TN
Well, make up your minds. Does it begin with YOU or this "Prince of Peace" character??
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I received submissions from a BUNCH of new people this time around. Let me just remind everybody that if I don't use a sign you sent in, please don't take it personally: it just means that I've already done it before.

Please keep sending them in.

Listed on humor-blogs.com

Quick Hit Crumminess

submitted by Rev. Chris B., IN
In fact the Gospel at our church is so full, one "L" can't contain all the "holliness" in here.

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Crummy Church Signs is proud to be a part of a new project, called humor-blogs.com. Humor-blogs.com is an aggregate feed of the funniest blogs from around the known internet (and as soon as we find the unknown parts of the internet, we will be funnier than blogs found there as well).

Blogs with which I am honored to be included are....
Mattress Police
Kinda Kitschy
The Drive-By Blogger

Humor-Blogs.com will act as a gateway into our 4 blogs. This works because humor-blogs.com is available from even the farthest reaches of the interweb, something to which every website obviously aspires. The great news is that it can act as a gateway into YOUR BLOG AS WELL! How?? Go here and read how to be included on humor-blogs.com. You don't even have to be funny or even mildly amusing to profit from our hilarity.

"Don't be like a buzzaard and only come to church when someone is dead."

submitted by Rev. Randall H., FL
I'm confused....so they're saying I should stop rifling through the corpse's pockets?!?

One day they will invent "buzzaard" proof caskets and the need for signs like this will diminish.

"My way IS the highway"
submitted by Paul Rowse, Victoria, Australia
Further proof that orange barrels are from the devil.

Allen's Better Review (from the comments): This explains why so many folks on the highway are driving like a bat out of Hell.

"In eternity, what will your crown be made of: fire or jewels?"
submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
Wow...so now hell is giving out crowns. Whoever is running the promotions department down there is REALLY on the ball. That is a shot across the bow of The Competition for sure. Heaven is sure to respond with an offer of "Free Pitchfork with Paid Admission!"

"Sometimes some knee-ology is as good as some theology."
Take the author of this sign for instance: Rather than pummel him with theology, I would like to pummel him with some knee-ology, right in the....well, you get the idea.

"Sunrise is God's way of telling us to 'lighten up'."
submitted by Rev. Larry B., Asheville, NC
And sunset is God's way of telling us to crash and burn.

Keep 'em coming.

Guest Reviewer! Diesel from Mattress Police

A groundbreaking day at Crummy Church Signs....approximately once a month, I will ask one of my friends to guest review a batch of church signs. Just for a sort of "change of pace". We begin with the first guest reviewer: Diesel from Mattress Police. If you are not a regular reader of his blog, you need to be. Read on to see his take on some crumminess:

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Lately I've been pondering a change of direction in my life, so I've been asking for a sign to provide some guidance. Any kind of sign.


That's when I got an email from Joel. With lots of signs. Lots of crummy signs.

It was clear what I needed to to. But before I changed my email address, I decided to snarkilate those signs:

submitted by Duane B., VA

You mean the diffusion of confusion?

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submitted by Duane B., VA

...you worthless sack of #$%&@.
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"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle"

But the safe money is still on hiding under a bushel.

"Atheists are beyond belief"
This sign is meant to give those of you on the edge a little push.


"God gives and forgives. Man gets and forgets."
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer Bezaire, TN
Other than not specifying what God gives, whom he gives it to, whom he forgives, what he forgives them for, why He forgives them, what man gets, what he forgets, and why I should care, this is actually a pretty good sign.



"Need a new life? God accepts trade-ins."
submitted by Rev. Randall H., FL
Just don't expect full Bluebook value.

Well, I feel better. Joel, if you need to contact me in the future, my new email address is probertson@700club.com.

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A big thanks to Diesel, and be sure to make Mattress Police a regular stop on your blog visits.

Look for a new guest contributor in February, and look for some more crumminess tomorrow, as I already have some stored up...

As always, keep 'em coming.

"Some drink deeply from the fountain of life. Others just gargle."

submitted by new contributor Dr. John Herpel, NH
And others wade knee-deep into the fountain to do body shots with Jager chasers.

"Life is hard. Afterlife is harder."
submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
There's hard time....then there's hard time in heaven. Makes even the most hardened criminal shudder.

Patience, please. More reviews coming soon (pant, pant).

Listed on humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

"Make a new year's resolution to grow and glow in Christ."

submitted AND reviewed by Amy J., MS
Exactly! That's why I follow Radioactive Jesus!

"Jesus built us a bridge with two boards and three nails."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
MacGyver of Nazareth.

"If you're going to curse, use your own name."
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK.
Okay...
"Joel off!"
"Shove it up yer Joel!"
"Eat Joel and Die"
"Joel Dammit!"
It really doesn't have the same effect, does it?

Future signs at this church:
"If you're going to be envious, envy your own stuff"
"If you're going to lie, lie to yourself"
"If you're going to be slothful, use your own Lay-Z-Boy."
"If you're going to lust, use.....

Nah.

"Where is God? Where is He not?"
submitted by Sandi Y., TN
a)Heaven
b) Hell

What do I win?


NOTE: Simplified and incomplete theology, I know, but c'mon: Aren't most passers-by going to write off that sign as easily as that?

"You can't control the color of your skin."
submitted by Sandi Y., TN
I suppose this was some misguided "tribute" to MLK day, but boy is this sign terrible.
Why not just put up "Sure everybody wants to be white, but some people can't help it, so give them a break."
Horrifying.

"Cars aren't the only thing recalled by their maker."
Yes, little Billy...your father died because there was faulty wiring in his ignition, and God couldn't let him go on living that way....that'll be $439.76.

"God created a warning system...a conscience."
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer Bezaire, TN
And I'm pretty much at Threat Level Orange (Elevated) the whole time.

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If you recently sent a sign and it wasn't used in this post, be patient please.....there's been a lot to cover recently!! I need to spread the wealth!!

Keep 'em coming.

Housekeeping!

Okay, fellow bloggers...if interested, you can click on the thumbnail below to use that neat little thumbnail to link back to Crummy Church Signs from your blog. A lot of you link to me (for which I am very grateful, and more than a little surprised), and I thought some of you might want something more interesting than a text link. Thanks to Diesel for the thumbnail. By the way, Diesel: I'm gonna use that thumbnail, OK?

EDIT: Use the HTML code in the sidebar to link to me using the thumbnail. Thanks, Diesel.

Also, some new additions to the sidebar:

Be sure to vote for me on the Blog List thing I signed up for (button on the right). I signed up as a religion blog (rather than humor), simply because I tried to decide which would be the bigger coup: This blog at the top of the humor blogroll or at the top of the religion blogroll, and I picked religion. Help me realize a dream, folks.

Next, I updated the blog list, and will add more as I remember who belongs there. I lost a lot of superfluous stuff also. Email me if you think you belong on the blogroll.

Third, you can now see who visits CCS. Gregory had a cool widget on Kinda Kitschy that lets you see who has visited. But it only works if you sign up with them.

Finally, you can now see random collections from my Library if you are looking for some good reading suggestions. Scroll to the bottom of the sidebar. If they ever make one of those for CD collections, it will take me a good 3 weeks to enter all of mine. Thank goodness my library isn't as large.

Wait...that's not such a good thing, is it?!?

Speaking of Diesel, (which, if you think waaaay back, I mentioned Diesel earlier in this post)...look for a couple of cool things coming up from Crummy Church Signs, Mattress Police, and some of your other favorite humor blogs.....coming soon.

"God is nowhere. Read again."

submitted by Brian G., VA
I did read it again. It still didn't make any *&^%% sense.

Seriously...am I missing something? Is there a hidden pun there? I don't get it.

EDIT: Thanks to Baxter and Niles in the comments section: "nowhere" = "now here". Har.

"The Wise Men Still Seek Him"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen
Wow! They must be really old! Shouldn't someone tell them about the ascension?

Joel's Note: Also, shouldn't someone tell this church that it's mid-January and they need to change their sign?

“We ignore God and blame Him for the chaos”
submitted by new contributor Rev. Randall H., FL
No. We Christians tend to ignore the chaos around us then blame God, or at least use Him as an excuse for our inattentiveness. Which is just as bad.

"The best ability is dependability."
submitted by frequent contributor Kevin Sample. Sign from TN.
Click here for a quick primer in depend-ability.

Keep 'em coming.

"The only ghost around here is holy"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
Have people been coming to this church expecting to see Casper or (worse yet) Patrick Swayze?

"Don't Just Mark Your Bible Let It Mark You"
submitted by Mary Beth M., GA
New! NIV Bible with skin engraver! Only $19.95! Call now, operators are standing by!

“Anger can get you in trouble. After all, it’s only a letter away from Danger.”
submitted by Beau S.
I hear there's a similar reason why the funk can get you in trouble, too.

Keep 'em coming.

So....many...crummy...pictures.

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
And as long as your motives are pure, you get to go to heaven! Isn't that right?!?!

Wait.....
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submitted by Frank F., TX

Nothing wrong with the sentiment here. Just a funny (some might even say "ironic") church name. Photo taken in Cash, TX (which explains a lot).

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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK

Well...I suppose we can be thankful that they didn't spell it "Sonny".

Note: Speaking of funny church names, Rev. Kenney assures us that this church is not as confused as their church name makes them appear. The church is located in Calvin, OK.

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submitted by Claude Lett IV

But just a taste...and certainly not during the Lord's Supper.

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submitted by frequent contributor SpookyRach, TX

Even the naughty bits?

(NOTE: My review was going to be "And every bit of lust on earth has a Google search at the other end of it", but that would have been inappropriate, so I didn't include it.)
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submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
Pat...I'd like to solve the puzzle!

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submitted by Duane B., VA

I couldn't have said it worse myself.

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Thanks for all the pictures, guys!

Keep 'em coming.

Not the Faith Angle? Really?

submitted by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
An obtuse try-angle?

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submitted and asst. reviewed by Sean M.
Let's all say a special prayer for this church's custodian, or whoever's responsible for cleaning the rest rooms after this one.
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"I know of 10 things written in stone! -God."
submitted AND reviewed by Anonymous
...but could someone remind where I put them again... My omnipotence is a bit off today.

"Feed your faith, and doubt will starve."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Feed your faith too much, and your hipth will grow.

"Who's your Daddy?"
submitted by Michelle S., MN
I dunno. He left when I was a kid. Thanks for reminding me, and double thanks making light of it.

NOTE: My dad didn't leave when I was a kid. But imagine how that sign reads to someone in that situation. Nice.

"Revival postponed until next Saturday."
submitted by Paul B. Sign from TN.
The Holy Spirit called, and He got caught up in a snowstorm in Sheboygan. We'll just have to revive next week.

Keep 'em coming.

"Help wanted: to assist a carpenter in repairing broken souls."

submitted by frequent contributor Kyle E., AL
...because, trust me, the carpenter in question needs a lot of help sometimes.

"Without God, we don't have a prayer."
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Duane B., VA
A non-believer would see this and say "I agree. So what?"
A believer would see this and say "I agree. So what?"

"Don't worry about tomorrow. God is already there."
submitted AND reviewed by increasingly frequent contributor Suzi H., NC
Well...I guess that explains why yesterday sucked.

"Fault finding is a skill that should be buried."
submitted AND reviewed by Suzi H. NC
I've heard of anti-semitism, but anti-seismologism??

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An occasional new feature on CCS....what Joel is doing. Basically, anything I am currently enjoying watching, listening to, or reading. In case anyone cares.

Joel is listening to:
"Light Grenades" by Incubus

Joel is reading:
"Prayer" by Philip Yancey
"Justice League of America" (ongoing) by Brad Meltzer


Keep the crumminess coming here.

"Holding back the wrath of God"

submitted by Sean M.
That church must have one *&%*& of a weight room/fitness center.

"Find Heaven in '07"
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
Uh-oh. Somebody is looking to "off" Rev. Kenney, it would appear. Not to mention everyone that drives past that church.
Full time staff employed at that church: Pastor, Secretary, Worship leader, and Sniper.

"God Called.
What did you say?
Huh-Oh."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
So, we have one church sniping at passers-by, and another one wire-tapping their phones. Nice.

Isn't it supposed to be "Uh-oh"?

"Next year is now."
submitted by Beau S.
This sign proudly brought to you by January 9, 2008.

Keep 'em coming.

He must be reading something really interesting...

submitted by Richard D., CA. Sign from IN.
Well, I wish He'd get off. I have to go.

"A New Thing."
submitted by Sean M.
Is DC Talk performing there this week?

Actually, in order for that to happen it would have to be 1994 again.


Just a little CCM humor for your weekend.

Keep 'em coming.

New Year. Same old crummy.

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK

I don’t think that’s allowed, except in the last round...

Joel's note: I am going to try and write a praise song with that title. I'll let you know how it goes.

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submitted AND reviewed by Suzi H.

So what exactly was Jesus doing at Cana? Making fun of the bridesmaids' dresses?

Joel's note: I'm think that's somewhere in Proverbs, but I'm pretty sure some context is in order to really understand it.

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submitted AND reviewed by Suzi H.

...and the man decieved by weak drink isn't wise either. Plus, he's pissed off that he spent a bunch of money on watered-down booze.

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"Trade in your pieces for God's peace."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen from Allen's Brain

Yes, and trade in your "Oh great's for God's grace!
And trade in your bombs for the Balm of Gilead!
And trade in your home phones for homophones!

"Be a Linus in a Lucy world."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX

The Gospel according to St. Charles the Schultz.
Is this telling us to carry around a security blanket the rest of our lives and scream "I'm not your sweet baboo!"?

Joel's note: I bet I know what song they played for the offertory!

Diesel's Review from the comments section (best review ever): I'll stick to being a Calvin in a Hobbes world.

"Where are you going when you're not going to church"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA

Why? What have you heard?

"Eternal life is never temporary."

seen here by new contributor Nathan Coleson

As opposed to all of those other temporary eternal things.

"Superman Returns, So Does Jesus"

submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Marty E., TN

I wonder if Superman could lift a rock that God created that even He couldn't lift?

Joel's Note: I wonder who Bizarro Jesus would be?

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Pretty easy day for me. Copy/Paste a bunch of times. Nice work, everybody.

Keep 'em coming.