"Dry Clean Only"?

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Scott Gordon
Which is better than "Cosmic Accident", I suppose.
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submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Scott Gordon
a) The wages of sin is death
b) I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO!!

I agree that the verse in question is as described in the sign. My question: Why not just put the verse up?
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submitted by new contributor Chris H.
However, we're two busy too worry about which "2" we are going two use, though.
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submitted by new contributor Chris H.
I would say the same is true for a simple grammar and spelling check.
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"Those that forgive the most will be the most forgiven."
submitted by Brett McNew, TN
Crap! Somebody screw me over, quick! I've got some catching up to do!

What a terrible sign...I'm pretty sure that as far as Christians go, it's whoever sins the most will be the most forgiven. Y'know..."grace", and all that jazz.
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"Call on the Lord.
He answers.
###-#### (<- church's phone number)"
submitted AND reviewed by Brett McNew, TN
Look, honey, Jesus is part of our Co-Op.
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If you're too busy to read humor-blogs.com, you're too busy.

Keep 'em coming.

Guest Reviewer: Grundir The Implacable!

Things have been busy around CCS lately. Traffic is at an all-time high, which means submissions are at an all-time high. When I heard that Diesel had hired some extra help to assist in the dispatching of pesky memes over at Mattress Police, I wondered if that person would be interested in helping me dispatch with some pesky church signs. Turns out he was! Here's today's guest reviewer:
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Greetings, mortals! I am Grundir the Implacable, Nazgul and meme-wraith. Ordinarily my responsibilities are limited to dispatching troublesome memes that threaten to overwhelm the blogosphere with disingenuous fawning and inane trivia. Today, however, I have been commanded by the Dark Lord Diesel of the Mattress Police to assist Joel in dealing with some particularly loathsome marquees exhibited by various houses of worship.

I have perused Joel's vast tome of ill-advised placards and have concluded that the foolishness of mortals knows no bounds. Joel insists that these signs were foisted upon the public by followers of the one you call Christ, but I see little evidence to support this notion. Christianity does not exist per se in Middle Earth, although I have noticed many similarities between this Jesus Christ and a certain wizard who is known for having survived a three-day battle with a Balrog. The humble ranger who was recently crowned King in Gondor also bears some likeness to Him. Both of these men were worthy opponents of my former master Sauron, and I believe that they would be rendered ill by the sickly-sweet, treacly stench emanating from these signs.

Bah! Enough of this foolishness. Let us ridicule these signs in the manner they deserve and then be about more pressing matters:


submitted by new contributor Fredish
Verily, it is hard out here for a farmer.
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"A calm sea does not make a skilled sailor."
Aye, and warm water can lower your seamen count.
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"Being a believer takes more than just believing"
I say unto you, you must also hold onto that feeling.
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"Prepare for your finals! Read the Bible!"
And cheat not by looking in the back!
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"If you don't know Jesus, you're in for one hell of a time"
But how am I to know Him? Ah, you say you will greet Him with a kiss? Excellent....
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"Apply yourself to the Bible and the Bible to yourself."
Not there, you fool! I am afraid that was a little rash.
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"Casual Sundays. Wear your holy jeans to church."
Sit in the back and you may see Balaam's ass.
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That is all, mortals! Be warned that if you do not cease to use your signs for hollow truisms and nonsense, I may return in even greater fury. You may use your signs only for communicating basic information such as worship times, and for short sayings from the Bible that will not exasperate or confuse passersby. And verily I say unto you, it would not kill you to spell check!

That is all for now.

Grundir the Implacable.
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Grundir can be emailed here. Let him know how much you enjoyed his guest spot here at CCS, and perhaps he could be convinced to dispatch something troublesome at your blog! (Just don't mention anything about hobbits...)

If you don't know humor-blogs.com, you're in for one hell of a time.

Keep 'em coming.

Uh, God....he loves me.

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Scott Gordon
What? Are you trying to break God & me up??
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
So wait: I'm supposed to be thinking about God when I'm praying?? Oops.....
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submitted by new contributor Pat
Is that "1693" at the top of the sign the church's address or the year this sign was built?
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"Jesus died for MySpace in heaven."
submitted anonymously and by Sandi Y., TN
Unfortunately, you have no chance of cracking his "Top 12" friends.
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"All Christians work for the same employer"
submitted by new contributor Dan
...where getting "fired" takes on a whole new meaning.
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"Beware of a Christian with an open mouth and a closed pocketbook"
submitted by new contributor Dan
These days, they probably could have stopped that sign after "mouth".
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Frequent contributor Kelly Quinn also sent along this link to a crummy church sign in the news.

Make sure you go vote for the best caption. I've made the Top Ten yet again!

Tomorrow at CCS, we have a very special guest reviewer. You won't want to miss this one, as his reviews might have a certain familiar "ring" to them. I've got plenty more crumminess lined up for Friday as well.
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Have you stopped long enough to tell humor-blogs.com I love you?

Keep 'em coming.

Our Home And Native Snark

Take heed, citizens. I am over at the Snark today, analyzing the looming threat to American dominance and security. You'd better read it, if only for your own safety.

See you tomorrow with more crumminess.

Keep 'em coming.

And we really, really mean it!

submitted by frequent contributor Micah L., MN
That's what sets Jesus apart...his fakeness.
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Micah L.
And neither one has anything to do with this sign.
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Sign says "Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift."
submitted by frequent contributor Jamie Dunbar, MS
I'd be more willing to believe that if it wasn't tied with a slipknot instead.
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown
Or swimming in the putridness (of these signs)?

Slogging through the pugnaciousness (of this website)?

Add your own in the comments section...
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"Don't pray your worries; pray the word."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch
Yeah, because God doesn't want to hear about your petty little problems.
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We've got a big week ahead, here at Crummy Church Signs! Tomorrow I think there will be my weekly Snark post (still needing something to snark about....), I have Wednesday's post all lined up (chock full o' crumminess), and then....

Make sure you are here on Thursday for a very special guest reviewer!! He's going to get medieval on these crummy signs!
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Talent seeks to be something, genius seeks to be humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming!

Especially Leviticus.

submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VA
We tried using The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, but it just wasn't working out for everyone.

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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VA
Questions about hell at 9:45.

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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VA
Bring water...lots of water.
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VA
I am! William Shatner! Watch! Me! Act!
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VA
Same time next year!
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"Choose this day who will serve you. - Founding Fathers"
submitted by frequent contributor Amanda
Look, if I get to choose who is serving me, you better believe it's gonna be someone with a better figure than John Quincy Adams...



...like my wife.

(see how I just did that? very clever of me.....)

Admittedly, I liked contributor Amanda's review of the above sign, which was (and I quote):

"??????????"
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"It's nice to be important - more important to be nice."
submitted by frequent contributor Amanda
...but more nice to be important.
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Pretty easy day for me. A lot of "CTRL-C, CTRL-V", and the rest of the signs practically wrote reviews for themselves.
Not quite through with Duane's submissions, so I might work up the wherewithal to do a weekend post. If not, see ya Monday!

It's nice to be humor-blogs.com -- more important to be humor-blogs.com

Keep 'em coming.

Blessed is Gumby?

submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VA
That's how we treat our theology, anyways.
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VA
But He didn't say Simon Peter Says!!
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VA
Finally I've found a church that doesn't close for the summer!!

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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VA
They're having the Food 'n Meat Co-Op and the Big Yard Sale but NOT the Jamboree?!? How dare they!!!

Joel's note: I've often said the best church signs are ones that show how the church is working in and around the community. While I appreciate all that this church is apparently doing, advertising what you're NOT doing isn't exactly the way to go. In other words this sign isn't terribly crummy but I liked Duane's review, so there it is.
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submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VA
Only if you're completely out of other options, though.
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"Tell someone about Jesus and you will both grow."
submitted by frequent contributor Jamie Dunbar, MS
What about the non-Christian that reads this sign?

"Lemmee tell you about this guy I don't believe in....I've heard it'll help us both out."

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I still have more signs from this week's MVP Duane Brown. Check back tomorrow!

Tell someone about humor-blogs.com and you will both grow.

Keep 'em coming.

Next Week: Lauding of Lunchboxes

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Presumably to make up for all the times they'll be cursed throughout the year?
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submitted by new contributor James Christerson
...but doing wrong is sometimes so, so right.
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"Prayerless Pews make for Powerless Pulpits."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn
Putrid puns make for perturbed passers-by.

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"You cannot out-give God."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Beau Sorrell
But some of you aren't even trying! 10% , people!
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"As He died to make men holy, let us live to make men free."
submitted by frequent contributor Lauren J.
I know a lot of guys would prefer it if more women were free, too...
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"Love Happens. Sunday 8 & 10."
submitted by frequent contributor Lauren J.
Regret happens. Sunday 8:10 & 10:10.
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Tomorrow, I'll start posting the latest batch of signs from frequent contributor Duane Brown. I should probably finish by October sometime.

Humor-blogs.com happens. All the time.

Keep 'em coming.

The Snark Is Loose

It's Tuesday, so I'm, over at The Snark. Check out a pre-emptive rant against CNN, Fox News, Court TV, and other TV stations of their ilk.

I have SO MUCH crumminess backlogged. Be sure to visit every day this week, as there are some hilarious signs upcoming. And, hopefully, some equally hilarious reviews.

Keep 'em coming.

This sign has a virus.

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Micah L.
You might want to "donwload" hooked on phonics first.
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submitted by Courtenay, TN
Exodus 20:5: For I, the Lord your God am a wacky God....
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"God wants to be your best friend."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily B.
(Circle one:

yes no

and pass it to Him in fifth period.)
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"Uninspired by Jesus? Bet you've never met him."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily B.
'Sherman, set the WABAC machine to 20 A.D.!'
'OK, Mr. Peabody!'
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"God the vine
We the branches"
submitted by frequent contributor Amanda
They the roots.
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Check out the new header at the top of the page. Do you like?? Thanks (once again) to the Church Sign Generator.

Plus, enjoy The Holy Observers new Church Sign of the Week (parody)
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Humor-blogs.com wants to be your best friend.

Keep 'em coming.

Overseas Crumminess

Ryan DeVries recently started a ministry project in India, but being overseas hasn't stopped him from continuing to be a frequent contributor to Crummy Church Signs. The website for Ryan (and wife Nancy's) ministry is up and running now, go check it out if you get a chance.
Anyhow, here's some crumminess from Chennai, India, courtesy of Ryan.


It says "Meditation is the mother of peace" from spiritual leader Sri la Sri Sage of Pig Hill.

Ryan says everyone who tried to translate the words in the top left corner of the picture just laughed while they did it. His friend Bungi came up with:

Om Nama Sivaya (bless be the name of sivaya)
Sri la Sri
Sage of Pandrimalai (Pig Hill)
ashram

...which is basically jibberish. Isn't it nice to see that crummy church sign issues aren't just an American problem?!?

A second one from Ryan:

"Infant Jesus Pray For Us."
(...because we can't do it ourselves?!?)

Thanks Ryan!

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"We R.O.C.K.! Relying On Christ the King!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain
This sign: Seemingly Ugly, Crummy, Kinda Sickening.
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Humor-blogs.com is the mother of peace.

Keep 'em coming.

Just thinking about it is fine.

submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
NOOOOOOO! And now that I'm outside it's too late!
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
Shoot. My KJV is from like the 1980's, so I guess I can't attend church here.

And as for the second word on the top picture from this church....do members have to sign a waiver or something?!?
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"Hey Satan, the fat lady is about to sing!"
submitted by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic. Seen here.
Who knew that Satan was interested in watching the opening act of the VMA's?
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"Let freedom ring: Remember the scars and stripes."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A.
...and that Jesus suffered amber waves of pain.
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"Come ascend the hill of the Lord with us."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A.
...to fetch a pail of water.
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"Jesus is a Shocker!"
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A.
Background Note: Nickie saw this in Wichita, KS, home of the Wichita State Shockers. Here's what the University means by "Shockers". I DARE YOU to go to Wikipedia and look up what the rest of the uncivilized world means by "Shocker". Unless you're under the age of 18 and/or have any decent bone left in your body, in which case DON'T LOOK IT UP AT ALL, PLEASE, JUST TRUST ME ON THIS, IT'S COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY INAPPROPRIATE.

The point is that this sign is either stupid (if it's referring to a college mascot), or the most profane accidental double entendre in the history of church signs (defeating even the Master's Hand sign from long ago. Hard to believe, I know.)

Sure, they meant it as a college mascot...but what do you think all the college students will be thinking?!?

Oh well...I guess one positive is that we haven't seen signs like this outside The University of Chicago. Or UC-Santa Cruz. Or UC-Irvine.
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VOTE FOR ME, DARN IT!! I don't mind losing to the one about punching Keanu Reeves in the face, but please don't let me lose to the Hokey Pokey...

Believe it or not, I have TONS more crumminess for tomorrow. What a great, crummy week around here!
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Come ascend humor-blogs.com with us.

Keep 'em coming

Just remember your "Son"glasses

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Yeah, it's called a "shadow".
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submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
I wouldn't give Him this one.
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"Seeing through your walls"
submitted by frequent contributor Lincoln J., WA
...and we like what you're wearing!!
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"Credibility, like credit, is hard to repair when damaged."
submitted by frequent contributor Jamie
...and yet we still put crap like this on our sign.
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And finally, another in an increasingly frequent phenomenon around here, non-church signs from businesses that are obviously trying to capitalize on Christianity. This one submitted AND reviewed from frequent contributor Les DuLunch.

We can move anything.

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I'm in the Top Ten again! Go vote for me...er...the best caption!

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Turn to humor-blogs.com and darkness will fall behind.

Keep 'em coming.

Double Your Crummy Pleasure

Yeah, it's Tuesday so that means I'm guest posting at Central Snark. Go read my Poem of Spam.

However, I am SO backlogged on church signs, that I have to put some of this crumminess out there today, or I'll never catch up. So here goes:
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
Their having a little trouble with they're homonyms.

Though I guess two outta three ain't bad.
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
Granted, it's hard to put fine print on a church sign.

Did the other side say "Grace is earned and undeserved" ?!?
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submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
I is!
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“We don’t teach philosophy or theology.”
submitted by new contributor Shauna H.
...but our scrapbooking classes are world famous!
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And finally for today, not a church sign, but.........

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix
Yeah....that's what everybody thinks.

Sigh.
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Much more tomorrow, including a couple of killer user-submitted reviews.

Humor-blogs.com is free and conditional.

Keep 'em coming.

Happy Birthday Crummy Church Signs!!!

Three years ago today, I imported my first batch of signs in from the Kudzoo Jesus website (where I had originally cataloged all this crap). Today marks the third anniversary of a dedicated website to crummy church signs.

I would have never thought that there would be enough ammunition to keep this idea going for that long. I have you, the contributors, to thank for that. I see a new one every couple of weeks in my area, but almost 10 different countries and 36 different states have provided me with close to 650 different church sign slogans over the last three years. That has been enough to keep me regularly (more than once a week) blogging for the past 2.5 of those 3 years.

Anyhow, a big thanks to everyone, and to mark the occasion...new T-Shirts are available, and this time they are what many of you had originally hoped they would be....stylized pictures of Church Signs with their slogans, with my snarky commentary beneath them. It was hard choosing which signs to use, but I decided eventually to go with ones that sounded like legitimate church signs (not the really unbelieveably crummy ones), and then I took the ones that had especially amusing commentary (either by my judgment or because you all told me it was amusing back when I posted it).

Anyhow, here are the available shirts.

Please note that any shirt can be customized by
-color (light colors work best, but dark shirts have the advantage of making my snarky review disappear)
or
-style (tshirts, hoodies, ringers, jerseys, long sleeve, etc.)

Click each image to go to the store and see your options for customizing your shirt!!

SHIRT 1:

SHIRT #2

SHIRT #3

SHIRT 4:

Shirt 5:

SHIRT 6:

SHIRT #7


SHIRT #8


SHIRT #9:

Hope you enjoy them! To see my entire gallery of shirts, including the old "slogan" style, go here.

Thanks again to everyone for giving me enough ammunition to keep this thing going for 3 years (and even longer, if you count the previous website.)

I'll also take this chance to "tease" a HUUUUUGE announcement about CCS coming in the next few weeks. Just in time for the Christmas season Let's just say you might find something crummy in your stocking this year...

Thanks also to Diesel and humor-blogs.com for tossing a lot of new readers my way.

Keep 'em coming.

Dem Crummy Bones

submitted by frequent contributor Rachel Harrison, GA
So quit praying about stuff, suck it up, and be a man already!
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"We often find him outside our comfort zone."
submitted by new contributor Anna Gravier
Who? There aren't too many guys who find there way inside my comfort zone, if you know what I mean.
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"Hem your day with Jesus and your day is less likely to unravel."
Sew, sew crummy.
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Monday is a BIG, BIG day around CCS! Look back in the archives at my very first post and you'll see why. Be sure to stop by as CCS blows out the virtual candles on its virtual cake. As they say, Three Is A Magical Number! And unlike most birthdays, CCS will be the one giving out the gifts! See you then.
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We often find humor-blogs.com outside our comfort zone.

Keep 'em coming.

And the BBQ Sauce shall be upon His shoulders...

submitted by new contributors Tim Canny and his sister
For the life of me, I just cannot keep all of these sacraments straight.
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"Life Works Better When We Do"
submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y.
So get a job, you lazy &%$#*.

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"God wants heaven full, more info inside."
submitted by frequent contributor Jamie Dunbar, MS
Just watch out for the Kool-Aid while you're in there....
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"B I B L E: Basic Instructions B4 Leaving Earth"
"Looking 4A lifeguard? Ours walks on water."
both signs submitted by frequent contributor Amanda
I've reviewed both of these before. I just like how the church felt it necessary to use chat text on both of these signs. omg, lol.
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Humor-blogs.com is waiting for you to call it barbeque.

Keep 'em coming.