Do we really need a lesson?

"How to be miserable"
submitted by new contributor wren
"And now for Point 47 in this sermon, as we enter our third hour...."

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"Persistent Alibi"
submitted by new contributor wren

"I swear, officer: I was listening to this 4-hour sermon about being miserable..."

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"Jesus is our bright and morning star."
submitted by Sharyn B.
Not so much a comment about this sign in particular: In researching whether this sign was biblically correct or not (since I know Satan is called "morning star" at some point), I discovered that some people have a lot of time on their hands and are worried about very silly things.

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"God is like Delta: He's ready when you are."
submitted by frequent contributor Christine
Also, God went bankrupt in 2005.

Yep, it's too bad: Looks like the cattle on a thousand hills are in arrears.

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You all are doing a great job with the PhotoCranks. Keep it up!

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No Experience Necessary:

"Now hiring church sign writer"
submitted by new contributor Leo C.
There are about 900 reasons on this very website as to why the last one got may have been fired.

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"Accept Jesus or take the heat."

submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Unless the count is 3-0, in which case you should always be sitting "dead red".

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"If you're pretending, stop attending."
submitted by MaryBeth S.
This must be what they call one'a them there "Seeker Sensitive" churches.

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"Don't get parched. Let God reign on you."
submitted by new contributor Jenn L.
Let's ask Noah how that turned out for him...

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Well, this is the first new post since I added PhotoCrank. There's been some solid ones added to the archives, but let's see what you people can do with the two pictures in this post. I started you off with one on the first sign.

More crumminess tomorrow...

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For Immediate Release: CCS goes Interactive With PhotoCrank

NASHVILLE, TN: Popular humor blog Crummy Church Signs is pleased to announce the addition of a new level of interactivity. Readers can now make their voices heard through the Web 2.0 application PhotoCrank, which allows readers to comment directly on photos which are posted to the site.

Rather than a plain-jane, boring comments section, readers are now encouraged to snark away using PhotoCrank. A brief demonstration of the device being used on Crummy Church Signs can be found here (originally a pitch from PhotoCrank creator 'Hup', forever immortalized in the minds of humor-blogs.com readers in this post (NSFW)). Visitors can also see the first sign that CCS proprietor Joel Bezaire Crank'd -- the first picture in the post immediately below this one (the one about itchy clothes and mean/boring people). Just press the "Play" button to see Joel's Crank on the sign.

Every picture on CCS (including archives) can now be Crank'd by anyone with razor wit and ten seconds to spare. Bezaire promises that if any hilarious Cranks are posted on older signs, he will link to them in future posts so the entire community can enjoy them without having to go archive-diving.

"CCS has always been about the community," said Bezaire. "We rely on pictures from readers, and many of our funniest reviews are from readers as well. PhotoCrank is simply the logical next step in ensuring reader participation."

Bezaire assured long-time CCS readers that this will not change the daily operations of the blog. "The normal comments section will still exist. I'll still post my best snarky comment underneath the picture, like always. However, if I have a hard time deciding between snarks, I might put a second choice in the PhotoCrank section. Or, I might Crank the submitter's review. The options are endless. The best part will be seeing hilarious Cranks from my best commentators."

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So, folks, what are you waiting for? Find your favorite CCS in the archives and start Crankin' away!

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Judgemental? Why yes, that is us!

"Itchy clothes, boring and mean people, that's not our church."
submitted by frequent contributor Ann S.
In fact, we wear no clothes whatsoever!


Ann says this sign is a direct swipe at a Pentacostal church down the road: Full black suits on the men, bonnets and dresses on the women, etc. And, apparently, also very mean and boring.

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"Try our sun worship"

submitted AND reviewed by Rebekah S.
It's time to accept Amun-Ra as your personal Lord and Savior.

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"You're never alone when Crist is by your side."
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Laura R.
"By your side", as preferable to indwelling within you?

And "Crist" was spelled correctly on the other side. Maybe they only had one "H"?

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"Good is better than bad, do good."
submitted by Jeremy M.
Never mind this folks...move along...nothing to see here.

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"Sometimes God's love hurts."
submitted by Amy N.
Well, to give them credit: Jesus was raised in Nazareth.


(The best part is that Amy says they had a sign for a day care right on the church sign. Sign me up!)

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I'm going to try adding a fun new application either today or tomorrow. It'll bring the interactivity of CCS for you, the reader, to a whole new level. I'll come back with a new post once it's installed and ready to go. Check back for that sometime this week.

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Sarcasm: Always a Great Idea on a Church Sign!

"I thought it didn't matter what you believed - right?"
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
No, no, you got it all wrong: It doesn't matter what you believe.


Also: Dexter's Original Pentacostal Church. Don't settle for imitations!

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"Prayer is time not talking"
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
And the sermon is time not listening?

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"Good intentions without actions are worthless"
submitted AND reviewed by Miriam F.
The best part, Miriam says, is that the other side was blank.

They must have had good intentions to fill it...

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"What if Jesus came yesterday and..."
submitted by Meghan S.
"Perhaps he was dictating?"
"Oh, shut up."

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The last time I asked you to identify the pop culture reference, I got reprimanded because it was too easy.

So just never mind this time! :P

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God hates deadbeat dads?

"God loves the man who brings his children to church rather than sending them."
submitted/post title by frequent contributor Sarah A.
Though he's ambivalent if you just keep your kid at home on Sundays.

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"One cannot be happy and envious at the same time."
submitted by frequent contributor Sarah A.
Man...I wish I'da thought of that.

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"Free blood pressure screening. June 22, 10 AM"
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney
Not a bad idea...but notice that the date is this Sunday morning.

Hmmm...false advertising, or a bait-and-switch, perhaps?

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"Why do you ring my bell?"
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Susannah
You said I could!

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"There isn't a single thing that Jesus can't conquer, cotrol, or change."-
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Bruce B.
The multiplicity of bad church signs has apparently overwhelmed Him, though.


And my father assures me: They did, in fact, spell "control" incorrectly.

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No post tomorrow...my wife is taking the day off of work, we're going to the zoo and some other fun places. Have a great weekend! See you Monday...

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How to find true friendship:

"A friend is someone you can use and, when you do, use him good."
submitted by frequent contributor Sarah A.
I'd hate to see their definition of "enemy".

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"Need home improvement? Bring your family to church."
submitted by frequent contributor Sarah A.
Pastor Tim "The Toolman" Taylor, and Deacon Al.

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"Fathers are the soul support of children."
submitted by frequent contributor Sarah A.
Screw you, moms.

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"Walk by faith, not by site."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Jack M.
Wow, I guess it really isn't all about location, location, location.

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"God is not my crutch. He's my defibrillator."
submitted by Mary E.
I'm guessing this sign caused any potential visitors to "clear" out.

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So that's what happened to the Jerky Boys...

"Lakeview U.C. wishes you a happy new year fruit cakes 586-1045"
submitted by Mike H.
Two weeks earlier, it was "Merry Christmas, @$$holes"


Seriously...who buys fruitcakes by phone anyhow?

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submitted by Ishmael

You have to call the Pastor "Doc" throughout the entire sermon series.

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"Think white. Think pure. Think snow."
submitted by Cody S.
I don't care how much the KKK tries to rehab their image, I am simply not buying it.

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"Looking for employment? God has a job for you."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara
So when the boss fires you, he literally fires you.

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Which faith are they talking about?

"Look beyond reason and you'll find faith."
submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
Is. 1:18: "Come, let us be unreasonable together," says the Lord....

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"What am I supposed to do...?"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat
We've told you: Stop making crummy signs.

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"Faliure is the path of least persistence"
submitted by frequent contributor Nicholas C.
Looks like the exam results are in for CdA Christian School....

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"Aim for the eyes, ears, nose and tongue."
submitted by frequent contributor Barbara B.
Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why...


Alternately, had this sign been reviewed by Michael Scott, Regional Manager:
"That's what she said."
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"Your father is someone you will always look up to, no matter how tall you get."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara
That's because daddy keeps knocking me to the floor.

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Bonus points to anyone who quickly recognizes the reference in the "ears" sign.

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