"Pray for the harvest but don't stop hoeing."submitted by new contributor Grant J.
You all know the drill. Add your funniest comments by Thursday midnight. I'll post a poll next Monday and we'll all vote to determine a winner.
One advantage to these contests is that I have a LOT of material saved up. Stay tuned for a great week of crumminess ahead.
This post cross-posted on:
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Looks like they got this week's material from FBC Liberty City.
ReplyDeleteAnd for those of you who aren't geeky gamers like me...
ReplyDelete"The Rahab story: Misapplication 2,564."
-And don't forget to pay your pimp.
ReplyDelete-And keep plowing her till you plant your seed.
Hear that girls, back to work!
ReplyDeleteHey, as long as you're on your knees, you might as well do double duty. :0)
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, planting helps, too.
ReplyDeleteYup. Use a hoe on those tender young plants. That'll help the harvest.
Apparently, these folks know very little about ancient near eastern agricultural practices.
Apparently, prostitution is synergistic!
ReplyDeleteBecause you reap what you sow…and in this case it’s Chlamydia.
ReplyDeleteThat's right, Make it rain.
ReplyDeleteTruly, truly I say unto you, it's hard out there for a pimp.
ReplyDelete..."easy believism" hits a new low.
ReplyDelete"Vixen! I don't care what the pastor said -- change out of those stilettos and come help with the weeding!"
ReplyDeleteAs planned, church attendance by middle-aged men surged in the following weeks.
ReplyDeleteSo it has been said, so it shall be done. Amen.
ReplyDelete1) We need the money for the collection basket!
ReplyDelete2) This week's sermon by Pastors Pope Sweet Jesus and Lord Have Mercy
3) Won't this be a conflict for the congregation's Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting??
Verily I say unto all mankind, Shirley, Goodness and Mercy will follow you into the alley for planting of your seed.
ReplyDelete....and remember to pay your earnings to the pimp...ummm I mean the pastor!
ReplyDelete...because we know Heaven will need them! Who else will work the corners?
"Our sermon this week comes from the Gospel of Judas 6:9, where our Lord says: 'Anything goes, when it comes to hoes, 'cause pimpin' ain't easy!'"
ReplyDeleteWho knew you could harvest penicillin?
ReplyDeleteAt Berry's Chapel, our best work is done from our knees.
ReplyDeleteAnd they call me "The Rototiller"
ReplyDelete...and don't miss our monthly Pimp Slap and bake sale.
ReplyDeleteThat's one way to get people into church.
ReplyDeletePastor Pimp
This...from the book of John
ReplyDeletePimp 3:16
ReplyDeleteWell, except for you Sally. You're the virgin sacrifice if the "hoeing" doesn't pan out.
ReplyDeleteJust make sure to avoid fertilization!
ReplyDeleteTat's right playas!!!
ReplyDeleteBecause nothing is wrong with oral coaxing, just make sure it comes to fruition by using your hand!
ReplyDelete(I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell after that one.)
Prayer is powerful, but it doesn't pay the bills!
ReplyDeleteAnd keep those garden tools well oiled for easier insertion!
ReplyDelete- It appears that someone at Berry's Chapel has seriously misunderstood the time that Jesus spent with prostitutes and tax collectors.
ReplyDeleteBecause if the harvest fails, you're gonna need some way to keep paying the bills.
ReplyDelete- Come get serviced at our prayer service.
ReplyDelete- Cause Its hard to reap a Harvest on 5th & Main.
Pastor Snoop Dogg's third sermon in his "Spiritual Seduction" series.
ReplyDelete...and see what sprouts under your bush.
ReplyDeleteHosea's admonition to Gomer during a season of drought.
ReplyDeleteOverheard in the Sign Committee meeting: "Sure, that's a great slogan. It's inspirational, and Joel and his friends couldn't possibly find any double entendres in a simple garden implement."
ReplyDelete....because God wasnt clear on why he destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, so hoeing should be ok!
ReplyDeleteI see my ex-wife found a new church.
ReplyDeletePoke
From the "If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em" file...
ReplyDeletePoke
Another way to see a burning bush.
ReplyDeleteNancy in CT
It's the only way your fields will ever see action.
ReplyDeleteBe like the sower in the parable, sowing seed in ground both good and thorny.
ReplyDeleteThe men in the congregation grew steadily more lonely, and resorted to desperate tactics.
ReplyDeleteThat must be from the book of John.
ReplyDeletePoke
This is what happens when members stop tithing.
ReplyDeletePoke
The Summer Sermon Series on Rahab had a lasting impact.
ReplyDeletePoke
Pray for a big fish, but don't stop Hooking.
ReplyDeletePoke
Because God always has a few Tricks up his sleeve.
ReplyDeletePoke
What are the odds this church is on a street corner?
ReplyDeletePoke
Let's talk about Sects, baby.
ReplyDeletePoke
Hoe-sannah!
ReplyDeletePoke
The church to join if you're "looking for a good time."
ReplyDeletePoke
It appears I should have read the other comments a little more carefully before posting, sorry for stealing your material Dave.
ReplyDeletePoke
Biblical concept + Journey classic = Crummy Church Sign
ReplyDeleteNew member reception after services. Tipping allowed.
ReplyDeleteEspecially the corners, because that's the part of the field most often neglected.
ReplyDeleteKendra
just in case, you know, God doesn't come through in answering your prayers.
ReplyDelete"Because two hoes are better than a thousand hands clasped in prayer"
ReplyDeleteThat's right, God will take care of the harvest, but we really need you on weed control.
ReplyDeleteAnd be sure to wash the collection plate once you're done.
ReplyDeleteBerry's Chapel previews its new Red-Light Edition of the Bible.
ReplyDeleteThis week's text is from the Book of Imus.
ReplyDelete"....yeah, ya buncha lazy s.o.b.'s, you know who you are"
ReplyDelete"HOEING DON'T STOP THE HARVEST BUT FOR PRAY."
ReplyDeleteAnagrams to:
"A Bad Refugee Ninth Posh Thy Provost Trot."
Special Guest Speakers - Jimmy Swaggart, amd Jim Baaker. 2 Men who know all about reaping the Harvest, and Hoeing. Televangelism 101 class begins after the 6:00pm Service
ReplyDelete