Recently seen Crummy Church Signs....

submitted by new contributor Rich S.
Oooh! Ooooh! I want to play!

Ahem...

"Recently seen license plate RTG 564"

Nah...wasn't as fun as I thought it would be.

Note: It's "Seventy Times Seven". I'm sure that it makes complete sense to the average passer-by.


“The right train of thought can take you to a better station in life.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Alright, I think I’m insanely wealthy and have the body of a supermodel…hey, it’s not working!

Joel's note: Also, the wrong train of thought takes you to where Snidely Whiplash is tying Nell to the tracks. Not a pretty sight.

“Don’t plan the future with a rear-view mirror.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
But it works well enough for checking my makeup.

“You can’t walk backward into the future.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
But you can drive there if you have a DeLorean.

“What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
What sunshine is to popcicles, this sign is to intelligence and common sense.


Please note: I am thinking of asking Nickie to take over the entire Crummy Church Signs Project, as she clearly has hit the mother lode of never-before-submitted signs, and she is snarkier than I am anyways (which isn't easy to accomplish). All in favor, say "Aye".

Keep 'em coming.

"Believe in God or go to hell. Everyone welcome!"

submitted by new contributor Jim J., TN
Everyone is so welcome in hell, they leave a little mint on your pillow for you! :) Of course...it melts before you get to enjoy it. :(

"God needs your prayers, not your opinions."
submitted by new contributor Donna K., MI
"Prayer is not a wish list."
submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
All this advice about what prayer shouldn't be. Wouldn't it be shorter to post a list of what it should be?
And there are certainly no biblical examples of someone ever giving his opinion in a prayer, or even making a request.

"Too busy for life? We're never to busy to attend our own funeral."
submitted AND reviewed by Rev. Bill Beatty. Sign from Buffalo, NY
Hmm...I actually can't fit in my funeral until the April after next. And even then, I might want to put it off some.

My note on the above sign: I'm sure this sign is just a beacon of welcoming light to those who are recently grieving the loss of a loved one. "Oh, look, they're making light of a recently devestating situation in my life. I think I'll visit there."

Jerks for Jesus, indeed.

Keep 'em coming.

Pray for Diesel's family...

Sad news from our good friend Diesel.

Please pray for the family.

Make Diesel Read A Book

New friend to Crummy Church Signs Diesel from Mattress Police (who may well also be my West Coast Doppelganger) has posted the Lamest Contest Ever on his blog. In it, contestants are to suggest which books Diesel reads while he takes the next year off work, the lucky &*^#&$. (I added that last little phrase, it's not actually part of the official wording of the contest).

Here is my suggestion for a book for "The Deez" (only I, his East Coast Doppelganger, am allowed to use the nickname to his nickname).

The Gun Seller, by Hugh Laurie

Hugh Laurie, for those of you who don't watch good television, plays Dr. House on the Fox television show appropriately titled "House". He also starred in the BBC Productions of A Bit of Fry and Laurie, Black Adder, and Jeeves & Wooster, the latter based on the famous books by P. G. Wodehouse (which I almost suggested to Diesel, as he did not include any Wodehouse on his reading list.) He (Hugh Laurie, not Diesel) was also in some Jane Austen movie that my wife likes that put me to sleep, but please do not hold that against him (though you may hold it against Diesel if it suits your needs).

Hugh Laurie is one funny Brit, and this book is hilarious. As one comment on Amazon.com noted, The Gun Seller is like "James Bond as written by P.G. Wodehouse." And it really, really is.

PG-13 for language. Read it if you like reading. Diesel: enjoy!!

Click here to read the rules for the Lamest Contest Ever, and help suggest books for Diesel.



PS: I may have incorrectly used the word "doppelganger" twice in this post. I meant for it to mean "copycat". Run with that definition, please.

Keep the crummy signs coming here.

I really need to update my Frequent Contributors...

submitted by soon to be added frequent contributor Chuck S.


Phew! As in "Phew! That was a close call, as I was nearly sideswiped by a tractor trailer while trying to read the entire contents of that church sign!"


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submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Good idea. In fact, I think I know where we can find some kindling....
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"Just because we come from dirt doesn't mean we should wallow in it."
submitted by soon to be added frequent contributor Kyle E., AL
I wasn't aware that there was a large contingent of churchgoers who who feel that we should wallow in it. Or non-churchgoers, for that matter.

"What is politically correct may not be Biblically correct"
submitted by soon to be added frequent contributor Kyle E., AL
Don't mind us, world; it's just our little built-in excuse for being a bunch of jerks.

"Be thankful for dirty dishes, because that means you have food to eat."
submitted AND reviewed by soon to be....oh you know.... Adam from AskingY
Well, I guess my wife and I have a lot to be thankful for at our house.

Note about that last sign: Though there are less corny ways of saying it...they're right. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

God Bless.

Keep 'em coming.

Church Sign Article

Click here to read

Considering how well the first Crusades went....

submitted by Dylan Wilbanks, Seattle. Sign from AL
Hm. Is this a Crusade for the kids or against the kids?


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submitted AND reviewed by Dylan Wilbanks, Seattle
Especially don't worry about spelling. (Nor did they pray about it, from the looks of things.)
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submitted by Dylan Wilbanks, Seattle, WA. Sign from AL
Debate? No. Argue violently? Perhaps...


"In your right hand, there are pleasures forever."
Seen here by the Ironic Catholic
And if your right hand gets tired or hurt, you can always switch to your left.

Please not the complete innocuousness of my last review. If you took it someplace inappropriate...well, that's on your conscience :)


"We got one."
Seen here by the Ironic Catholic
In an outrrrageous French accent: "Heh heh...I told them we already got one!! *snicker snicker*"


If only that last sign were at a castle instead of a church...


"With the return to standard time, it's time to get some standards."
submitted by Bethany K. from Bethaniqua
Except, apparently, on our church signs.


"If you want God in your family, try joining His."
And with such kind hearted people as we are in the family, why on earth would you not want to?!?


"If your Bible is falling apart, chances are your life isn't"
What if it's falling apart because someone is using the pages to roll joints?


Keep 'em coming.

Beelzebub On Board

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
...and when he drives, he talks on his cell phone while applying make-up in the rearview mirror and merging onto the interstate at 35 mph. Sound familiar? It's Satan!

Keep 'em coming.

"Remember the banana - When it left the bunch, it got skinned."

submitted AND reviewed by Tammie G from Becoming2911
So the "fruits" of the Spirit include conformity?


Nicely done, Tammie.

Joel's favorite lyrics on the subject of conformity.


Keep 'em coming.

"When a river falls it just keeps going."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
And when you flush a toilet, the water drains clockwise. But what does that have to do with God, the Bible, the Church . . . ? Are we supposed to use the river as an example and fall further when we fall? I really don't think that's in the Bible.

The subject line to David's email was "Helpful Observations about Nature." Heh heh heh...

"Fall Leaves but Jesus Doesn't"
submitted by frequent contributor (as soon as I get around to adding him) Kyle Evans, AL
Tell that to these guys.


I had a nice interview with Anita from the Nashville Tennessean today. Local folks, check out Sunday's paper for a nice article about church signs, where your favorite snarky blogger might be mentioned (or might not, if he didn't say anything useful...I have been known to do that from time to time). Out of towners, check out www.tennessean.com on Sunday and see what's cookin'. I get the sense it's going to be a really good article either without my input, or in spite of it.

Everyone have a great Thanksgiving, if I don't get to update before then. I'm thankful for my snarky little online community of readers, commenters, contributors, and (dare I say) friends. (Even you, Diesel).

Keep 'em coming.

Huh.

Your Bumper Sticker Should Be

Anything worth taking seriously - is worth making fun of

What Bumper Sticker Should Be On Your Car?

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I'm not usually big on these blog things, but I thought it was pretty funny how my "bumper sticker" reflects this blog rather nicely.

"Holiday magic comes from within."

submitted by new contributor Todd W. Sign from Holland, MI
Today's theology proudly brought to you by the Muppets. All rights reserved, Bible not included.

"God makes faces round. Man makes faces long."
submitted by new contributor Becky T., SD
So God makes owls , but man makes horses? What does this sign even mean? I'm baffled.

"Success starts on Sunday"
submitted by Matt V., Winnipeg, Manitoba
...and Friday, I'm in love.

"Come jam with the lamb."
submitted by new contributor David W., Greeneville, SC
I wonder if their praise band has a beat-boxer?

"Fundamentalists don't use the NKJV."
submitted by new contributor David W., Greeneville, SC
You can almost hear the sneer in their voices as the pronounce the "N" in NKJV.

At any rate, they're right: fundamentalists don't use the NKJV...they use the Koran.



Thanks to all the newbies. Good starts, all.

On a side note....GO WOLVERINES.

More here.

You have to admit...Jesus never gave anyone an XBox.

submitted by new contributor Sam from Nerd Heaven
Oh sure...some other guy came a long time ago, but we're not ones to live in the past. We're celebrating the future!

Nice first effort, Sam.

Keep 'em coming.

It's "Apostrophe Tuesday" here at CCS!

submitted by Adam from AskingY

and, not to be outdone....

"Give thank's unto God"
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL

Sigh...just read them yourselves.

"No excuse for sin! The devil is your enemy-but Jesus is your friend!"
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
Is the first sentence supposed to be related to the second? Why not: "No excuse for poor driving! Moses led the children of Israel through the wilderness!"

"Thanks be to God. New hours."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile AL
Wow...attendance must have really sucked before this joyous announcement.

"Jesus is Lord of the Harvest."
submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
Well...as long as He doesn't go all "Michael Flatley" on us, I guess that's OK.

"Salvation: don't leave life without it!"
submitted AND reviewed by Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
Don't forget to lock your doors and turn off the iron either.

Nickie took time out of her busy wedding planning schedule to send a boatload of signs....so no more excuses, people! :)

Keep 'em coming.

With a flamethrower?

submitted by Chuck S.
And an optimist builds bridges before he gets to them, I suppose?
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submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
What is worse: A church sign with a crummy play on words ("Fight truth decay; brush up on your Bible!") or a church sign that tries to use that same crummy play on words but fails miserably? I'll take the latter.
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It says "Form good habits, they're as hard to break as bad ones"
submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
I know what they mean. How can I afford to keep feeding my smack addiction when I keep giving my money away to poor people?!?
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It says "Guaranteed not to bore the hell out of you"
submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
We'll let you keep all the hell you want. Please just come to our church.

Tee hee. Aren't we revolutionary? We used "hell" like a swear word!
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"Give thanks today -- get ahead of the rush"
submitted AND reviewed by Jennifer from Earthen Vessel (OK)
Because God has no time for you on Thanksgiving.

"We disobey God with our actions"
submitted by Devin Carlile, MO
Well...you gotta give them some credit for their honesty, don't you?

"God's yard sale: rejects accepted."
submitted by Thorunn McCoy, TN
I went to God's yard sale, and the selection was so much better than at Satan's Swap Meet.

"Nice car, but will it get you to heaven?"
submitted by Thorunn McCoy, TN
Sorry, but my sweet chariot is in the shop.

Keep 'em coming.

But it's a whole different story if you ask Mrs. The Master...

submitted by new contributor William Hall, Tampa, FL
Sometimes I love my hobby.

Keep 'em coming.

"What would Jesus do? Choose babies and life."

submitted AND reviewed by Hilary Swinson
If I recall correctly, Jesus actually chose death.

"Our words lay the track for our lives"
submitted by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
And our food provides the fuel. Chew chew!

HAHAHAAHAHAHA......ha?

"There are some questions that can't be answered by Google"
submitted by Kyle Evans. See a picture at this site.
They're right. Do NOT try Googling "Church Signs That Don't Suck". Your computer explodes.

I had so many funny and enormously inappropriate comments for that last sign. You may thank me for my show of restraint.

Keep 'em coming.

"Life does not have a make up test."

submitted AND reviewed by Beau Sorrell, MN
I just imagine sitting before the Pearly Gates at a desk three sizes too small, with nothing but a #2 pencil and a piece of paper. The paper, of course, has one question:

---------------------------------------------
Do You Love Jesus And Accept Him As Your Savior?
Please make sure to fill in the bubble completely.

Yes


No



Please return your paper to St. Peter upon completion.
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Nicely done, Beau.

Keep 'em coming.

New Rule: If you can't spell your denomination's name...you're out of the denomination.

all signs this post submitted by new contributor Chuck S.
"Not typical" in that we refuse to look at the blue part of our sign to see how to spell "Baptist".

I could have had a field day just with the slogan, too...but I might leave that to the Baptist brothers and sisters in the comments section.
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At what point does a "trend" reach epidemic proportions?
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...and you sure wouldn't want to be in heaven one second longer than you need to.

Isn't this sign sort of assuming everyone speeding past the church is going to hell? I didn't know 45 in a 35 was the unforgiveable sin.

Thanks, Chuck!

Everyone else....keep 'em coming.

"Life Happens Every Day."

submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
But it only happens on alternating nights, so watch out!!

"Firefighters rescue. Only Jesus saves."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Part of a 5-week series of crummy church signs featured on this marquee, including:
"Paramedics give CPR. Only Jesus saves."
"Archivists retain old data. Only Jesus saves."
"Goalies stop pucks. Only Jesus saves."
"Secretaries back up their files. Only Jesus saves."

Keep 'em coming.

"Who's on your team?"

submitted AND asst. reviewed by KC Swan, Tulsa, OK
Well, until the end of the free agent signing period, I can't tell for sure. But Lord knows we need some pitching.

We could also use someone to replace Judas, who was great on the "suicide squeeze" play.

*rim shot*

KC also points out a church sign that was seen shortly afterwards offering emergency food for those in need, accompanied by a phone number. Sigh. 400+ crummy church signs, and this is the first mention of one doing something so very right.

Keep 'em coming.

"Without fail, we do, but He doesn't."

submitted by Christine from this blog (VA)
Ummmmmmm......I'd like to buy another verb?

Any ideas? Anyone? Bueller?

Keep 'em coming.

This sign is so crummy, even the camera rejected it.

(It said "We become like what we worship")
submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Greg from Kinda Kitschy
Please note: the doctrines of sanctification apply only to Jesus. Not money ("I'm becoming green and papery!"). Not women ("Why am I developing breasts?"). Not gouda cheese ("Mmmm. I'm rich and creamy!").

No wonder the camera said "No".
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submitted by frequent contributor Greg S. from Kinda Kitschy
Yeah, I know how He feels. As a teacher, I do a lot of grading and it really does feel comparable to being....

NO, I'm not going there. But I could have. And many people driving by probably do. So let's not put it on our sign.

Keep 'em coming.

A New Website for fans of CCS

Okay, most readers of Crummy Church Signs will find this website highly amusing:

The Church You Know

Have you seen those NBC public service announcements "The More You Know"? This is a series of vidoes satirizing those announcements, based on funny things the church does and believes. They also manage to pull it off without sounding bitter and jerky, something I have not yet managed to wrap my mind around.

Do check it out. Great stuff. Pass it on.

"Goals are dreams with deadlines"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
So if my goal is to pay my mortgage and my taxes on time, that's a dream? I feel tingly all over with anticipation!

Five Funny Blogs and Two Crummy Church Signs

Firstly, let me be forthcoming in saying that I am only doing this because I am a sheep, and will shamelessly emulate anyone wittier or more clever than myself in an effort to sound witty and clever, and to otherwise associate myself with that person. So, that being said, I am now shamelessly emulating Diesel AND Gregory in submitting, for your pleasure, Five Funny Blogs. In fact, I cut and paste this paragraph and the following list of criteria from them. Completely shameless. Here are the criteria to make "the list":

1. They are funny.
2. They are made up of mostly original content (not links to other blogs, YouTube, etc.)
3. They are updated regularly.
4. There is a good chance you've never heard of them. That means they don't have a gazillion other links to them, hundreds of readers leaving comments, etc. Well...some of them do, but my the readers of my blog that I know don't all already read all of these blogs.
5. At least one of them isn't already on my blog roll. (In other words, I had to go looking for it.)

Here goes:

Five Funny Blogs

Mattress Police: The aforementioned witty person whom I am emulating (Diesel). Random essays about his life, music, movies, etc. that cause me to laugh out loud. And I'm a tough audience.

Kinda Kitschy: The other aforementioned witty person whom I am emulating (Gregory). Basically, it's a collection similar to Crummy Church Signs, but with Christian Kitsch. Be sure to read his recent review of Christian Eau de Toilette. Priceless. (Diesel's subsequent comments aren't bad either).

Indexed: The math teacher in me likes the Venn diagrams. The smart ass in me likes the content and commentary.

Steeples and People: More thought-provoking than funny (though it is quite funny...).

Slacktivist: If you aren't keeping up with his (her?) running commentary as he reads his (her?) way through the Left Behind series...well....I'm sorry for you. Start now, and catch up on the archives when you have a spare week or two.

So, there it is. I’ve done my good deed for the day and balanced my karma. Now go increase their hit counters. And do the same post on your blog, with 5 new blogs! Spread the hits around.

NOW....a couple of Crummy Church Signs, as the title of this whole blog promises.

"Make Jesus Savior and Lord"
submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
Wow...that's giving me a lot more power than I thought I had. Who knew?

Oh....they meant to add "...of my life". Still...

"Hallalujah Hoedown!"
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
"Swing your partner round and round,
Try to endure this awful sound!
Promenade and doe-si-doe;
Pass the plate, give us your dough!

Change your partner, still sing praise,
If this were real, we'd change our ways!
But we hate immigrants and gays,
No matter what the Bible says!"

At least this is what I guess it would sound like.

You may add your own verses to the "Hallelujah Hoedown" in the comments section.

Yeah...this is pretty much how God approaches things.

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., Mobile, AL
Yeah, well, the Church has been "wise" for a few decades now, haven't we?


More.