Please pardon the raindrops. God was crying over this sign.

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, AL
Well, so long as they poke Him some air holes, I guess He'll be O.K.

Keep 'em coming.

'Tis the season to be crummy!

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie S., IN
...but I want the deluxe version, complete with the action whip attachment and table-overturning power!!
-------------------------------------------------















submitted by frequent contributor Jennie S., IN
Aww, man. Is He moving all of His stuff in, too?!?
---------------------------------------------------




















submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Actually, I think I could go the rest of eternity and not attend another candlelight service. But that's just me.
-------------------------------------------
"It's OK to re-gift the gospel!"
submitted by new contributor Rev. Mike K., IN
But only if your man-hands can wrap it up properly.


“The greatest gift of all was born in a manger.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Wow, Mary must’ve had really great aim.


“Center of Infinite Possibilities--Our souls are forever things.”
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Is one of those infinite possiblities not putting crap like this on their sign? I sincerely hope so.


“Heaven is a vibration, not a location. LK 17:21”
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL. Opposite side of above sign.
Luke 17:21?!? In what version? In "The New Testament (as translated from the original Dead Sea Scrolls by Beach Boy Brian Wilson)" ?!?!


"Xmas begins with Christ."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen, IL
Er, no, it begins with an "x".


I should take a moment to thank Nickie for the title to this post also. Her idea supplanted my original title, "Ho, Ho, Ho-rrible Church Signs." Imagine how crummy your holiday would have been had you been subjected to that mess.


Merry Christmas to all. Despite all my carping (thanks, Diesel) about silly Christian signs on this site, please remember that there is absolutely nothing truer than the fact that God sent his Son to save sinners like me (and you) (and the people who put these signs up). While trying to avoid all of the cliches that I so despise (like sign #2 in this post), let me say this: accept God's gift if you haven't. The holiday is not worth celebrating without it.


Check out Gregory's run-down of things that are wrong with Christmas, if you haven't already.

God bless. See you next week.

Keep 'em coming.

Does He like to cuddle?

submitted AND reviewed by James G.
Switch to Jesus and save thousands on your heating bill this winter!

"Simple Christians. No more, no less."
submitted by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
Yeah. That's what the world thinks. Thanks for confirming that.

"Jesus doesn't want us to be dogmatic. We all make misteaks."
submitted by new contributor Steven R., KY
Jesus doesn't want us to be idiots either, but that doesn't stop some of us.

"Our best attitude is gratitude."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
Unless, of course, you read the Bible which says the best attitude is love.

Keep 'em coming

"Worship is like giving God a great big hug!"

submitted by new contributor Rev. Scott Welch, NC
And charismatics try and "slip Him the tongue".

"The only fruit that is never out of season: joy."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Yeah, that's what they say, but I bet it's imported from South America this time of year.

Keep 'em coming.

"The nation that rejects Christ seals its doom."

submitted by Susan H., NC
This is from the same church that had "The Hinge of History" sign a couple of days ago. I think I was onto something with the whole Indiana Jones idea. If their next sign references the ark or the Holy Grail, we'll know I was money.

Also: I'm gonna sing the doom song now: Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom.....

"Stay out of debt. Act your wages."
submitted by frequent contributor Kyle E., AL
Yes folks: the timeless message of the Christmas season, made clear through 7 simple words.

Honestly. It's December 15. You have NOTHING BETTER to put on your church sign than the gospel according to Dave Ramsey? Look, it's great advice and all...but eternally worthless.



Did anyone get the Doom Song joke?

Keep 'em coming.

What happens after 10:30 AM?

submitted by frequent contributor Chuck S.
Not Jesus? Oh.
----------------------------------------------
"Not every hill is worth dying for."
submitted by new contributor Dan B.
In order to construct a smart-alecky response, I would have to have some idea what the %&^ they are talking about.

Oh well.

Keep 'em coming.

Well, who put it THERE?!?!

submitted by Suzi H.
I think that's actually the premise of the next Indiana Jones movie...Indiana Jones and History's Hinge.


--------------------------------------------------















submitted by new contributor David Fox
Any ole' God will do.

"Unity Christian" church my arse.
-----------------------------------------------
"Jesus is always our example for everything"
submitted and reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
Jesus, our example of feminine virtue?
Jesus, our example of the criminal mindset?
Jesus, our example of spontaneous combustion?
Jesus, our example of what we can do to help our mom around the house?

I guess the 4 year-old Sunday School class has it right; He is always the right answer!

“Empty Cradle? Empty Christmas.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Empty liquor bottles? Empty brains. There—at least those two statements are somewhat semi-related.

“We want you to want Jesus.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Behold our clever use of a Cheap Trick song title!

Joel's note: If you are attempting to be culturally relevant, you probably ought not to pick song titles that have been out so long that other bands have covered them and had their own hits with them.

“Pray with an attitude of gratitude”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Quick! What rhymes with ‘rutabega’? I gotta make a church sign!

“Do you need a gratitude adjustment?”
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL. Opposite side of the above church sign.
No...but I can think of a few church signs that I wouldn't mind somebody adjusting.

Anyone care to take a stab at "adjusting" the above church sign anagram-style? Use the comments section below.

“God love you, and so do we.”
submitted and reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
We love you long time!

“Don’t give until it hurts. Give until it feels good.”
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Then give some more, until it's back to a sort of neutral feeling.

SO MUCH restraint shown on my part (and Nickie's part) with that last sign. Feel free to show significantly less restraint in the comments section.

Keep 'em coming.

...and NOWHERE else!

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
You mean this church has Playstation 3's?!?!?
-------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA

I thought this one was OK...until I realized they were trying to be clever with "presence"..."presents", get it?!?! (groan)

-----------------------------------------------------

submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX

I have reviewed this one before...but not when they used the wrong "alter".

Those homophones will kill you every time....

-----------------------------------------------

"My dad can fix anything - Jesus."

submitted by new contributor Amanda, GA

"Which is good, because My followers can break just about anything."

"Let's work to have crowns to lay at Jesus' feet."

submitted by new contributor Amanda, GA

Okay, if I'm a non-Christian, my first question is: Why the heck does Jesus want crowns for his feet? Second: Do I make them myself? Find them? Third: Why can't I keep them?

"Come early to get a good back seat."
submitted by Margo S.

Why? Is that where I can find the crowns these days?

"I'm making a list and checking it twice, too. -God."

submitted by new contributor Jason C., GA

Because God isn't capable of getting it right on the first check?

We need "The Grinch Who Stole Church Signs" in the worst way.

"Eternal Salvation: Deal or No Deal?"

submitted by new contributor Marnie P., MI

Forget St. Peter...if the suitcase models are at the Pearly Gates, I'm all in.

On second thought....if Howie Mandel is there, I'll take hell.

---------------------------------------------------------

Thanks to all the new contributors.

Just a quick reminder on the "rules of submission". I received about 50 emails since the AP article ran nationwide. I simply don't have time to write everyone back and thank them for taking the time to send me a church sign: so, THANK YOU!! That being said, I received a TON of duplicate signs. I don't usually post those, so please don't feel bad if I didn't use yours. It's simply already somewhere in the archives. Also, some people send in signs I don't think are crummy. Sorry if that was the case also.

Welcome to all of the new readers...please don't let a submission that didn't get used keep you from sending in the next crummy sign you see.

All the best,

Joel

PS: Keep 'em coming.

Another Newspaper Article

I am officially the "go-to" guy for church sign quotes, it would appear. This one from the Associated Press:

Click here to read the article.

To Mr. Seitz, the gentleman who is writing the book in whose promotional articles I keep appearing: Despite our somewhat differing views on church signs, I will purchase your volume and enjoy it, and encourage my somewhat large and rather growing readership to do the same. Best of success with your publication.

I have received a LOT of crummy new submissions to sift through...it might take me a while.

Keep the signs coming here.

"It's not what parents expect, it's what they inspect."

submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Melanie K., CO
Translation: Don't set goals for or trust your kids. Just dig through their stuff when they aren't around.

"THE HOLY BIBLE IS A TELESCOPE D0NT LO0K AT IT LOOK THR0UGH IT"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
I read mine from back to front, and now everything looks tiny.

Also, don't use punctuation; and please, whatever you do, don't make sure you have the letters you need.
---------------------------------------------
















submitted by new contributor Beth L., PA
Not exactly a church sign, but pretty crummy. As Beth says, funny how they inadvertently compare themselves to the enemies of Colonial America. I wonder if they all plan on wearing red coats? Maybe it's time for "The Midnight Ride of John Calvin" or something?

It's especially hilarious to me, considering the last (only) Nazarene church I ever attended placed an American flag in front of the cross at the altar, and we ended the service with the Pledge of Allegiance (no kidding).

Please note: I don't think for a second that all Nazarene churches are like that, but the juxtaposition of my personal experience with this bus advertisement is pretty striking. I have good Nazarene friends, actually. Wait...now that I think about it, they aren't Nazarene anymore. Hmmm......

Just kidding.

Thanks to the new contributors.

Keep 'em coming.

"We accept all denominations: 10's, 20's, 50's, 100's..."

submitted by new contributor Scott B., OH
Lemme guess...they also will accept Baptists, Southern Baptists, Reformed Baptists, Primitive Baptists.....

I kid my Baptist friends because I love.

"Whatever you need, God got it."
submitted by frequent contributor Les DuLunch, GA
Well, I just hope He gives it back before He puts too many miles on it.

"When you do good, you do God."
submitted by new contributor Michelle, IN. Sign seen in GA.
Uh... Ummm.... Okay..... Errrr...

Never mind.


Keep 'em coming.

"If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it."

submitted by new contributor Tim Ellsworth
I wonder if God's ice cube maker uses living water? I wonder if the Trinity uses a side-by-side-by-side refrigerator?

"Don't just count the days, make every day count!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
I tried teaching Monday how to count, but Monday is just hopeless with numbers.

"A Mother Named Mary"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
. . . a president named George, a clown named Bozo, an athlete named Prime Time, a blimp named Hindenberg, a ship named Titanic, a building named the World Trade Center . . . maybe that's not what they had in mind.

"To deny Jesus is to deny reality"
submitted AND reviewed by Susan Hill, NC
OK - what exactly are we denying Him? Food? Water? The right to vote?
Last time I checked, reality sucked for a lot of people. I'd deny it too if I lived in Darfur. How is this sign helpful?

Keep 'em coming.

"God is slap awesome."

submitted by Robert Hull, GA
If the church that belongs to this marquee ever became a mega-church, I would bet money that they would become the first mega-church to sponsor a NASCAR driver.

“Hope, like an anchor, is fixed on the unseen.”
submitted AND reviewed by Robert Hull, GA
Yeah, and my foil-hatted neighbor is fixated on the unseen.

"Lay aside your weight."
submitted by Robert Hull, GA
Today's sermon by Rev. Jennie Craig.

"Pray! Pray! Pray! Free Tutoring."
submitted by Robert Hull, GA
Yeah, but they only teach to the test.

Keep 'em coming.

"God owns you."

submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Susan H., NC
...but He's only leasing me.

"Eternity has two choices...original and extra crispy."
submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Myron B.
I was wondering if I could have the Col. Sanders original.

Such a loving sentiment...I'm just sure God chuckles at all the "extra crispy" folks in hell.

"Demons are real. Try not to be one."
submitted by new contributor Rayni R., CA
I try and try, but I keep sprouting horns and a tail. It's tough, this business of "not being a demon".

"Sometimes God punishes us by answering our prayers."
submitted by Margo S., MD
Yeah...that'll teach us to interrupt Him while He is trying to watch the game.

Note: He answers ALL of our prayers. Just because it's not the one we want to hear doesn't mean it isn't answered.

Keep 'em coming.

Recently seen Crummy Church Signs....

submitted by new contributor Rich S.
Oooh! Ooooh! I want to play!

Ahem...

"Recently seen license plate RTG 564"

Nah...wasn't as fun as I thought it would be.

Note: It's "Seventy Times Seven". I'm sure that it makes complete sense to the average passer-by.


“The right train of thought can take you to a better station in life.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
Alright, I think I’m insanely wealthy and have the body of a supermodel…hey, it’s not working!

Joel's note: Also, the wrong train of thought takes you to where Snidely Whiplash is tying Nell to the tracks. Not a pretty sight.

“Don’t plan the future with a rear-view mirror.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
But it works well enough for checking my makeup.

“You can’t walk backward into the future.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
But you can drive there if you have a DeLorean.

“What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity.”
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., AL
What sunshine is to popcicles, this sign is to intelligence and common sense.


Please note: I am thinking of asking Nickie to take over the entire Crummy Church Signs Project, as she clearly has hit the mother lode of never-before-submitted signs, and she is snarkier than I am anyways (which isn't easy to accomplish). All in favor, say "Aye".

Keep 'em coming.

"Believe in God or go to hell. Everyone welcome!"

submitted by new contributor Jim J., TN
Everyone is so welcome in hell, they leave a little mint on your pillow for you! :) Of course...it melts before you get to enjoy it. :(

"God needs your prayers, not your opinions."
submitted by new contributor Donna K., MI
"Prayer is not a wish list."
submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, TN
All this advice about what prayer shouldn't be. Wouldn't it be shorter to post a list of what it should be?
And there are certainly no biblical examples of someone ever giving his opinion in a prayer, or even making a request.

"Too busy for life? We're never to busy to attend our own funeral."
submitted AND reviewed by Rev. Bill Beatty. Sign from Buffalo, NY
Hmm...I actually can't fit in my funeral until the April after next. And even then, I might want to put it off some.

My note on the above sign: I'm sure this sign is just a beacon of welcoming light to those who are recently grieving the loss of a loved one. "Oh, look, they're making light of a recently devestating situation in my life. I think I'll visit there."

Jerks for Jesus, indeed.

Keep 'em coming.

Pray for Diesel's family...

Sad news from our good friend Diesel.

Please pray for the family.

Make Diesel Read A Book

New friend to Crummy Church Signs Diesel from Mattress Police (who may well also be my West Coast Doppelganger) has posted the Lamest Contest Ever on his blog. In it, contestants are to suggest which books Diesel reads while he takes the next year off work, the lucky &*^#&$. (I added that last little phrase, it's not actually part of the official wording of the contest).

Here is my suggestion for a book for "The Deez" (only I, his East Coast Doppelganger, am allowed to use the nickname to his nickname).

The Gun Seller, by Hugh Laurie

Hugh Laurie, for those of you who don't watch good television, plays Dr. House on the Fox television show appropriately titled "House". He also starred in the BBC Productions of A Bit of Fry and Laurie, Black Adder, and Jeeves & Wooster, the latter based on the famous books by P. G. Wodehouse (which I almost suggested to Diesel, as he did not include any Wodehouse on his reading list.) He (Hugh Laurie, not Diesel) was also in some Jane Austen movie that my wife likes that put me to sleep, but please do not hold that against him (though you may hold it against Diesel if it suits your needs).

Hugh Laurie is one funny Brit, and this book is hilarious. As one comment on Amazon.com noted, The Gun Seller is like "James Bond as written by P.G. Wodehouse." And it really, really is.

PG-13 for language. Read it if you like reading. Diesel: enjoy!!

Click here to read the rules for the Lamest Contest Ever, and help suggest books for Diesel.



PS: I may have incorrectly used the word "doppelganger" twice in this post. I meant for it to mean "copycat". Run with that definition, please.

Keep the crummy signs coming here.

I really need to update my Frequent Contributors...

submitted by soon to be added frequent contributor Chuck S.


Phew! As in "Phew! That was a close call, as I was nearly sideswiped by a tractor trailer while trying to read the entire contents of that church sign!"


---------------------------------------------















submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Good idea. In fact, I think I know where we can find some kindling....
--------------------------------------------------

"Just because we come from dirt doesn't mean we should wallow in it."
submitted by soon to be added frequent contributor Kyle E., AL
I wasn't aware that there was a large contingent of churchgoers who who feel that we should wallow in it. Or non-churchgoers, for that matter.

"What is politically correct may not be Biblically correct"
submitted by soon to be added frequent contributor Kyle E., AL
Don't mind us, world; it's just our little built-in excuse for being a bunch of jerks.

"Be thankful for dirty dishes, because that means you have food to eat."
submitted AND reviewed by soon to be....oh you know.... Adam from AskingY
Well, I guess my wife and I have a lot to be thankful for at our house.

Note about that last sign: Though there are less corny ways of saying it...they're right. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

God Bless.

Keep 'em coming.

Church Sign Article

Click here to read

Considering how well the first Crusades went....

submitted by Dylan Wilbanks, Seattle. Sign from AL
Hm. Is this a Crusade for the kids or against the kids?


------------------------------------------













submitted AND reviewed by Dylan Wilbanks, Seattle
Especially don't worry about spelling. (Nor did they pray about it, from the looks of things.)
---------------------------------------------













submitted by Dylan Wilbanks, Seattle, WA. Sign from AL
Debate? No. Argue violently? Perhaps...


"In your right hand, there are pleasures forever."
Seen here by the Ironic Catholic
And if your right hand gets tired or hurt, you can always switch to your left.

Please not the complete innocuousness of my last review. If you took it someplace inappropriate...well, that's on your conscience :)


"We got one."
Seen here by the Ironic Catholic
In an outrrrageous French accent: "Heh heh...I told them we already got one!! *snicker snicker*"


If only that last sign were at a castle instead of a church...


"With the return to standard time, it's time to get some standards."
submitted by Bethany K. from Bethaniqua
Except, apparently, on our church signs.


"If you want God in your family, try joining His."
And with such kind hearted people as we are in the family, why on earth would you not want to?!?


"If your Bible is falling apart, chances are your life isn't"
What if it's falling apart because someone is using the pages to roll joints?


Keep 'em coming.

Beelzebub On Board

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
...and when he drives, he talks on his cell phone while applying make-up in the rearview mirror and merging onto the interstate at 35 mph. Sound familiar? It's Satan!

Keep 'em coming.

"Remember the banana - When it left the bunch, it got skinned."

submitted AND reviewed by Tammie G from Becoming2911
So the "fruits" of the Spirit include conformity?


Nicely done, Tammie.

Joel's favorite lyrics on the subject of conformity.


Keep 'em coming.

"When a river falls it just keeps going."

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
And when you flush a toilet, the water drains clockwise. But what does that have to do with God, the Bible, the Church . . . ? Are we supposed to use the river as an example and fall further when we fall? I really don't think that's in the Bible.

The subject line to David's email was "Helpful Observations about Nature." Heh heh heh...

"Fall Leaves but Jesus Doesn't"
submitted by frequent contributor (as soon as I get around to adding him) Kyle Evans, AL
Tell that to these guys.


I had a nice interview with Anita from the Nashville Tennessean today. Local folks, check out Sunday's paper for a nice article about church signs, where your favorite snarky blogger might be mentioned (or might not, if he didn't say anything useful...I have been known to do that from time to time). Out of towners, check out www.tennessean.com on Sunday and see what's cookin'. I get the sense it's going to be a really good article either without my input, or in spite of it.

Everyone have a great Thanksgiving, if I don't get to update before then. I'm thankful for my snarky little online community of readers, commenters, contributors, and (dare I say) friends. (Even you, Diesel).

Keep 'em coming.

Huh.

Your Bumper Sticker Should Be

Anything worth taking seriously - is worth making fun of

What Bumper Sticker Should Be On Your Car?

-----------------------------------------------

I'm not usually big on these blog things, but I thought it was pretty funny how my "bumper sticker" reflects this blog rather nicely.

"Holiday magic comes from within."

submitted by new contributor Todd W. Sign from Holland, MI
Today's theology proudly brought to you by the Muppets. All rights reserved, Bible not included.

"God makes faces round. Man makes faces long."
submitted by new contributor Becky T., SD
So God makes owls , but man makes horses? What does this sign even mean? I'm baffled.

"Success starts on Sunday"
submitted by Matt V., Winnipeg, Manitoba
...and Friday, I'm in love.

"Come jam with the lamb."
submitted by new contributor David W., Greeneville, SC
I wonder if their praise band has a beat-boxer?

"Fundamentalists don't use the NKJV."
submitted by new contributor David W., Greeneville, SC
You can almost hear the sneer in their voices as the pronounce the "N" in NKJV.

At any rate, they're right: fundamentalists don't use the NKJV...they use the Koran.



Thanks to all the newbies. Good starts, all.

On a side note....GO WOLVERINES.

More here.

You have to admit...Jesus never gave anyone an XBox.

submitted by new contributor Sam from Nerd Heaven
Oh sure...some other guy came a long time ago, but we're not ones to live in the past. We're celebrating the future!

Nice first effort, Sam.

Keep 'em coming.

It's "Apostrophe Tuesday" here at CCS!

submitted by Adam from AskingY

and, not to be outdone....

"Give thank's unto God"
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL

Sigh...just read them yourselves.

"No excuse for sin! The devil is your enemy-but Jesus is your friend!"
submitted by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
Is the first sentence supposed to be related to the second? Why not: "No excuse for poor driving! Moses led the children of Israel through the wilderness!"

"Thanks be to God. New hours."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile AL
Wow...attendance must have really sucked before this joyous announcement.

"Jesus is Lord of the Harvest."
submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
Well...as long as He doesn't go all "Michael Flatley" on us, I guess that's OK.

"Salvation: don't leave life without it!"
submitted AND reviewed by Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
Don't forget to lock your doors and turn off the iron either.

Nickie took time out of her busy wedding planning schedule to send a boatload of signs....so no more excuses, people! :)

Keep 'em coming.

With a flamethrower?

submitted by Chuck S.
And an optimist builds bridges before he gets to them, I suppose?
-----------------------------------------------













submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
What is worse: A church sign with a crummy play on words ("Fight truth decay; brush up on your Bible!") or a church sign that tries to use that same crummy play on words but fails miserably? I'll take the latter.
------------------------------------------------













It says "Form good habits, they're as hard to break as bad ones"
submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
I know what they mean. How can I afford to keep feeding my smack addiction when I keep giving my money away to poor people?!?
-----------------------------------------------














It says "Guaranteed not to bore the hell out of you"
submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen, MN
We'll let you keep all the hell you want. Please just come to our church.

Tee hee. Aren't we revolutionary? We used "hell" like a swear word!
--------------------------------------------------
"Give thanks today -- get ahead of the rush"
submitted AND reviewed by Jennifer from Earthen Vessel (OK)
Because God has no time for you on Thanksgiving.

"We disobey God with our actions"
submitted by Devin Carlile, MO
Well...you gotta give them some credit for their honesty, don't you?

"God's yard sale: rejects accepted."
submitted by Thorunn McCoy, TN
I went to God's yard sale, and the selection was so much better than at Satan's Swap Meet.

"Nice car, but will it get you to heaven?"
submitted by Thorunn McCoy, TN
Sorry, but my sweet chariot is in the shop.

Keep 'em coming.

But it's a whole different story if you ask Mrs. The Master...

submitted by new contributor William Hall, Tampa, FL
Sometimes I love my hobby.

Keep 'em coming.

"What would Jesus do? Choose babies and life."

submitted AND reviewed by Hilary Swinson
If I recall correctly, Jesus actually chose death.

"Our words lay the track for our lives"
submitted by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
And our food provides the fuel. Chew chew!

HAHAHAAHAHAHA......ha?

"There are some questions that can't be answered by Google"
submitted by Kyle Evans. See a picture at this site.
They're right. Do NOT try Googling "Church Signs That Don't Suck". Your computer explodes.

I had so many funny and enormously inappropriate comments for that last sign. You may thank me for my show of restraint.

Keep 'em coming.

"Life does not have a make up test."

submitted AND reviewed by Beau Sorrell, MN
I just imagine sitting before the Pearly Gates at a desk three sizes too small, with nothing but a #2 pencil and a piece of paper. The paper, of course, has one question:

---------------------------------------------
Do You Love Jesus And Accept Him As Your Savior?
Please make sure to fill in the bubble completely.

Yes


No



Please return your paper to St. Peter upon completion.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Nicely done, Beau.

Keep 'em coming.

New Rule: If you can't spell your denomination's name...you're out of the denomination.

all signs this post submitted by new contributor Chuck S.
"Not typical" in that we refuse to look at the blue part of our sign to see how to spell "Baptist".

I could have had a field day just with the slogan, too...but I might leave that to the Baptist brothers and sisters in the comments section.
--------------------------------------------------














At what point does a "trend" reach epidemic proportions?
-----------------------------------------------















...and you sure wouldn't want to be in heaven one second longer than you need to.

Isn't this sign sort of assuming everyone speeding past the church is going to hell? I didn't know 45 in a 35 was the unforgiveable sin.

Thanks, Chuck!

Everyone else....keep 'em coming.

"Life Happens Every Day."

submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
But it only happens on alternating nights, so watch out!!

"Firefighters rescue. Only Jesus saves."
submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Part of a 5-week series of crummy church signs featured on this marquee, including:
"Paramedics give CPR. Only Jesus saves."
"Archivists retain old data. Only Jesus saves."
"Goalies stop pucks. Only Jesus saves."
"Secretaries back up their files. Only Jesus saves."

Keep 'em coming.

"Who's on your team?"

submitted AND asst. reviewed by KC Swan, Tulsa, OK
Well, until the end of the free agent signing period, I can't tell for sure. But Lord knows we need some pitching.

We could also use someone to replace Judas, who was great on the "suicide squeeze" play.

*rim shot*

KC also points out a church sign that was seen shortly afterwards offering emergency food for those in need, accompanied by a phone number. Sigh. 400+ crummy church signs, and this is the first mention of one doing something so very right.

Keep 'em coming.

"Without fail, we do, but He doesn't."

submitted by Christine from this blog (VA)
Ummmmmmm......I'd like to buy another verb?

Any ideas? Anyone? Bueller?

Keep 'em coming.

This sign is so crummy, even the camera rejected it.

(It said "We become like what we worship")
submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Greg from Kinda Kitschy
Please note: the doctrines of sanctification apply only to Jesus. Not money ("I'm becoming green and papery!"). Not women ("Why am I developing breasts?"). Not gouda cheese ("Mmmm. I'm rich and creamy!").

No wonder the camera said "No".
------------------------------------------------














submitted by frequent contributor Greg S. from Kinda Kitschy
Yeah, I know how He feels. As a teacher, I do a lot of grading and it really does feel comparable to being....

NO, I'm not going there. But I could have. And many people driving by probably do. So let's not put it on our sign.

Keep 'em coming.

A New Website for fans of CCS

Okay, most readers of Crummy Church Signs will find this website highly amusing:

The Church You Know

Have you seen those NBC public service announcements "The More You Know"? This is a series of vidoes satirizing those announcements, based on funny things the church does and believes. They also manage to pull it off without sounding bitter and jerky, something I have not yet managed to wrap my mind around.

Do check it out. Great stuff. Pass it on.

"Goals are dreams with deadlines"

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
So if my goal is to pay my mortgage and my taxes on time, that's a dream? I feel tingly all over with anticipation!

Five Funny Blogs and Two Crummy Church Signs

Firstly, let me be forthcoming in saying that I am only doing this because I am a sheep, and will shamelessly emulate anyone wittier or more clever than myself in an effort to sound witty and clever, and to otherwise associate myself with that person. So, that being said, I am now shamelessly emulating Diesel AND Gregory in submitting, for your pleasure, Five Funny Blogs. In fact, I cut and paste this paragraph and the following list of criteria from them. Completely shameless. Here are the criteria to make "the list":

1. They are funny.
2. They are made up of mostly original content (not links to other blogs, YouTube, etc.)
3. They are updated regularly.
4. There is a good chance you've never heard of them. That means they don't have a gazillion other links to them, hundreds of readers leaving comments, etc. Well...some of them do, but my the readers of my blog that I know don't all already read all of these blogs.
5. At least one of them isn't already on my blog roll. (In other words, I had to go looking for it.)

Here goes:

Five Funny Blogs

Mattress Police: The aforementioned witty person whom I am emulating (Diesel). Random essays about his life, music, movies, etc. that cause me to laugh out loud. And I'm a tough audience.

Kinda Kitschy: The other aforementioned witty person whom I am emulating (Gregory). Basically, it's a collection similar to Crummy Church Signs, but with Christian Kitsch. Be sure to read his recent review of Christian Eau de Toilette. Priceless. (Diesel's subsequent comments aren't bad either).

Indexed: The math teacher in me likes the Venn diagrams. The smart ass in me likes the content and commentary.

Steeples and People: More thought-provoking than funny (though it is quite funny...).

Slacktivist: If you aren't keeping up with his (her?) running commentary as he reads his (her?) way through the Left Behind series...well....I'm sorry for you. Start now, and catch up on the archives when you have a spare week or two.

So, there it is. I’ve done my good deed for the day and balanced my karma. Now go increase their hit counters. And do the same post on your blog, with 5 new blogs! Spread the hits around.

NOW....a couple of Crummy Church Signs, as the title of this whole blog promises.

"Make Jesus Savior and Lord"
submitted AND asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
Wow...that's giving me a lot more power than I thought I had. Who knew?

Oh....they meant to add "...of my life". Still...

"Hallalujah Hoedown!"
submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
"Swing your partner round and round,
Try to endure this awful sound!
Promenade and doe-si-doe;
Pass the plate, give us your dough!

Change your partner, still sing praise,
If this were real, we'd change our ways!
But we hate immigrants and gays,
No matter what the Bible says!"

At least this is what I guess it would sound like.

You may add your own verses to the "Hallelujah Hoedown" in the comments section.

Yeah...this is pretty much how God approaches things.

submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Nickie A., Mobile, AL
Yeah, well, the Church has been "wise" for a few decades now, haven't we?


More.

The Halloween Special

"This House is possessed by the Holy Ghost"
submitted by Eric, GA
Yeah, because that's the same thing as a haunting.

Sigh.

It also wreaks havok on French Kissing....

submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
Well, only if you swallow it...and if that's the case, then you have much bigger problems than a simple cut.
----------------------------------------------














submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK
I think so...who did He play His college ball for again?
----------------------------------------------












submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
It's also much easier to resist when you're not a sinner. So get it together, would ya?!?
----------------------------------------------

"A smile is a curve that sets things straight."
submitted by frequent contributor Greg S. from Kinda Kitschy
So's a whip.

*crack*

Keep 'em coming.

"Enthusiasm is faith in action"

submitted by frequent contributor Cheryl Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
What if I am enthusiastically relying on myself?

How are these two things even remotely related?

Crazy Jay agrees with this sign, by the way. That's not a good thing for this sign.

"Think of it as fire insurance for eternity."
submitted by Miranda C., Nashville, TN
"It?" Can I think of anything as fire insurance for eternity?

Again, people....if you are going to use a horribly crappy metaphor, at least be specific about what your horribly crappy metaphor is about. I think this church couldn't even bring themselves to note that salvation is equivalent to fire insurance, so they just sort of half-^%#$ed their sign. If you are going to have the gall to put this garbage on your sign, at least go all the way and own it.

Keep 'em coming.

The other side was crummy in Spanish.

submitted by Val Williams. Sign from Boston, MA
Why do some Christians, even when they are speaking the truth, have to sound like such jerks about it?

I have decided I am creating a new section/category on the website. I haven't decided on the exact name of it yet, but it is going to contain signs that are designed to make the passer-by feel inferior and stupid. Any good ideas for the name of the category? Please post in the comments below.
------------------------------------------------














submitted by frequent contributor Gregory from Kinda Kitschy.
I'll have the Loaded Potato Soup, please.

-------------------------------------------------














submitted by frequent contributor Gregory from Kinda Kitschy
I had a similar sign submitted once, and my review is the same for this one:
What do you want to bet they only achieve the first of the three adjectives?
-------------------------------------------------
"Come get a faith lift!"
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kevin Thomas, FL
We altho have botockth and breatht implanth.

Long time readers will know I have reviewed that last one before, but Kevin's is funnier and I am always up for a funnier re-do.

Keep 'em coming.

I expect so much better from a Reformed Church....

submitted by Kristin Bush
I think they need an extra line or two on their sign to make this message make sense. Or drop off the final "-ess". Or just abandon the idea altogether.

Notice that the guy in the sign above the church sign is walking away from the church....quite the metaphor, that.
------------------------------------------------














submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
How, in all of these 400+ signs, have I managed to never cover this one before?

Oh well, here goes:

God catches them. God cleans them. You're nothing but the worm on the hook.

Look, I know it's Jesus' metaphor...but adding to His words only confuses the message. Let the Holy Spirit work through you, do what you are supposed to do, and don't take too much credit.

Keep 'em coming.

However, whether we like you or not still depends on income.

submitted by KC Swan. Sign from Bixby, OK
I agree with the "not income" part, but the first 4 words are buggin' me. Where's forgiveness in all that? Learning from your mistakes? Effort?

"It is a good thing to pick your friends, but not to pieces."
The same thing applies to your nose. And scabs.

"If you can read this sign you can still be forgiven by God."
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly Quinn, TX
Hmm, so the blind and the illiterate don't stand a chance. Maybe that's what that whole predestination thing is about.

"Come to me all ye who are weak, heavy-laden, and literate, and I will give you rest...."

Keep 'em coming.

Since when was Jesus a cross-dresser?

submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
This might be the most poorly constructed sign in terms of composition, grammar, punctuation, spelling, and general appearance that has ever been submitted. Congratulations, Texas!
--------------------------------------------------------
















submitted by frequent contributor SpookyRach, TX
I'm just sure the kiddies are thrilled by a Halloween alternative that doesn't include the word "treat" anywhere in the title.

Hey, it might rock, I dunno....but the sign sure doesn't give us a clue.
--------------------------------------------------------

"Sermon Broken"
submitted by Hilary Swinson, Charlottesville, VA
Some little quotation marks and a colon could go a long ways. As in:

Sermon: "Broken"

See?
-------------------------------------------------------------------














submitted by frequent contributor David Jacks, TX
Not technically a church sign (a BBQ pit store), but I love the fact that Jesus can use His reputation to get a good discount on all His BBQ needs. My guess is He doesn't need it to BBQ pork.

Keep 'em coming.

Autograph? Don't they mean signature? There's a difference.

submitted by frequent contributor Miss Kitty, GA
Well...I guess we should be thankful for small blessings. God's autograph could look like this.

-------------------------------------------------------


















submitted by April B.
April said she tried to get her boyfriend to pose in front of the sign in his housecoat, sitting in a recliner, smoking a cigar, etc. Too bad he declined.

---------------------------------------------------------------
"Get a grip on money"
submitted by frequent contributor David Finch, DC
Get a grip...and then never let go. That's the Christian way!

Send 'em in here.

"Scared? Come worship with us."

all signs this post submitted by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire, Smyrna TN
Because we're scared too!

"Every exit is an entrance to someplace else."
I wonder if they use that same sunny rationale when members try to leave the church.


"Life shrinks and expands in proportion to one's courage."
Yes, folks the secret of life revealed: Life is like a 13-year old boy and courage is like the new Victoria's Secret catalog. It was right there in front of us all along.

Is "courage" a fruit of the Spirit now? Or a beatitude? "...the greatest of these is courage"? What's going on here?


"It is easier to preach ten sermons than to live one."
This just in: The church board has put this sign up because a congregational vote on the pastor's next pay raise is soon. He is none too pleased with the message on the sign, nor the timing.


"The Bible is most helpful when open"
Except when you're trying to kill mosquitos with it. Then closed really is the best option.

By the way, just opening a Bible and letting its aura sort of seep through the room really isn't as helpful as the sign might suggest it is. It's most helpful when read....and even maybe applied.



Thanks to Emily for the batch o' crumminess. She also helped review that last one.

Keep 'em coming.

Isn't this sort of up to your parents?

submitted by frequent contributor Jennie Sowers, IN
And it's probably best that you die the same way.


WAIT...................no.

--------------------------------------------------------

"Christians are like pumpkins. God cleans you up and gives you a light and a smile."
spotted by Jeb Naylor, submitted by Kyle Evans, AL. Asst. reviewed also.
Note that God "cleans you up", rather than "cleans you out." It works better on BOTH sides of the stupid simile, yet they still can't get it right. By the way, God also takes your seeds, salts them, roasts them, eats them, then spits out your shells.

Our commenting friend Allen will like that last one...it goes with his profile picture. "God cleans you up and gives you a light and a smile and a huge alien brain".

Keep 'em coming.