Turnaround: Every now and then I fall apart....

submitted by Jennie Sowers, New Castle, IN
Also that way you can beat the rush on the "Devil Days of September".

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submitted by Micah Larsen
I would be pretty fearful if I attended this church...it appears to meet in the median of a busy road!

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"If I try and be like someone else, who will try and be like me?"
submitted by Cheryl Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. Oh, and I'm a sinner saved by grace.

"God is like honey. Mmmm Mmmm Good."
submitted by Utica Chisholm, Charlotte, NC
OK, if you are going to use a crappy pop culture reference, you must at least get it right!!!! Campbell's Soup is Mmmm Mmmm Good. Or at least it used to be. I will admit, however, that after some research: Honey needs a catchy slogan to up its street cred.

"Without the potter, I'm just a lump"
submitted by Wes Kenney. Sign from TX
These lumps lingered last in line for brains. The ones they got were sorta rotten and insane. Are these lumps out of my head? I think so.

(I also think they're out of their head.)

Lyric quiz: where'd I steal that last review?? Answer here.

"It is good to be saved and know it. But go on and show it."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
From Thomas C. Nelson Co.'s latest attempt to market the Bible: The Bible According to Dr. Seuss.

"Do your best, let Jesus do the rest."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I'm feeling pretty lazy, so just use the same review as above.

"Here comes the sun!"
submitted AND reviewed by David Finch, DC
DUCK!! (Whew, that was a close one...Jesus nearly singed my eyebrows.)

"Time is a gift from God."
submitted AND reviewed by David Finch, DC
I hope He included a gift receipt in case its not my size.

"Jesus paid for your sins too. So why don't you let Him have them?"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
If He already paid for them...didn't he have to have them to do that? I think this crummy church sign just proved Calvinism, though I don't think it intended to.

(Please don't email me complaining if you don't think that last sign proved Calvinism. It was just a joke. Even though it really did....) :)

Thanks for the onslaught of signs! Keep 'em coming!

Also, be sure to check www.crummychurchsigns.com for the archives!!

Crummy Church Signs Dot Com is LIVE!

The next generation of Crummy Church Sign reviews is upon us....cruise on over to www.crummychurchsigns.com and see what's new!!

Here's a quick overview:

1. Crummy Church Signs organized by category.

Categories include:

- Crummy Theology

-Crummy Plays on Words

-Crummy Attempts to be Cute

-Crummy Attempts to Sound Wise

-Crummy Grammar

-Crummy Pop Culture References

-WTF?!?!

-Hell Is Not Funny

2. Crummy Church Signs special collections.

Including the "Hall of Shame", collecting the worst church sign offenders from the above 8 categories, and "The Trophy Room", collecting the funniest reviews from the above 8 categories.

3. Frequent Contributors

Meet the people who make Crummy Church Signs tick.

(PS: If you are featured in Frequent Contributors and don't like what you see, email me a correction, a new picture, or a new link).

There are also people I already need to add to the F.C. page, like Micah and Utica. Stay tuned!!

4. The Map of Crumminess

The completely redesigned Map of Crumminess is available on the front page for easy access!!

5. Kudzoo Archives

Crummy Church Signs got its start at the now defunct KudzooJesus website.

Now, collected for the first time since then, are the other most popular parts of KudzooJesus: Mr. O.T. and Crazy Jay!

Be sure to let me know what you think. Also, if you find any typos, dead links, or the like, please let me know. I will also accept any recommendations for signs that belong in the Hall of Shame or the Trophy Room.

This blog will continue in operation as before. The new website will simply act as a more useful archival system, as well as giving more web presence to the phenomenon that is Crummy Church Signs.

As always, keep sending in the church signs.

400 Crummy Church Signs!!

The four signs at the bottom of this post make up signs #397-400 that have been reviewed on Crummy Church Signs. And it is apparent from the continuing lack of quality that this blog is doing little, if anything, to stop the spread of this tripe. Ah well, it's fun for me to write and hopefully fun for you all to read.

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT TO CELEBRATE 400 CRUMMY SIGNS: I am in the final stages of developing www.crummychurchsigns.com and I will begin uploading soon!! I will continue to update this blog, and the new website will simply serve as an archive, with funny categories, halls of fame, halls of shame, a page for frequent contributors, the Map of Crumminess, and some fun surprises as well. With that being said, if you are a frequent contributor (and if you think you are, then you are), feel free to email me a short 2-line bio of yourself as well as a picture and a link (or two) to any web presence you would like to be linked to (a blog, a website, a church, etc.). For those of you who have frequently submitted and have blogs of your own, I used whatever picture you use on your blog profile, and I linked to your blog. Feel free to correct any of that you would like corrected. It's sort of a "street team" approach, for those of you familiar with music/band marketing. This is a little way for me to say "thanks" for helping this blog run smoothly. I really wish I could afford to do more.

Look for the launch of www.crummychurchsigns.com later on this week!! I will post here when it is ready.

On with the reviews:

"Little is huge with God in it."
So, if I take something huge and put God in it, it becomes little? I really beg to differ.

"Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die."
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Try telling that to Charles Bronson.

"If you don't set any goals, you're sure to hit them."
Submitted by Micah Larsen, sign from Wisconsin
The literal opposite of this sign being, "If you do set goals, you're sure to not hit them." Nice.

"Be an artist. Draw on God."
Better yet, be an idolater and draw God.

Send more in here.

"Laughter makes a person complete"

submitted by Micah Larsen (Micah's Blog)
Then why do these hilarious church signs make me feel so empty inside?

I wonder if that one was a sermon title....

"If everything is coming at you, you're in the wrong lane."
submitted by Micah Larsen
Or you're in Britain.

"If Jesus is in your heart, please tell your face."
submitted by Micah Larsen
Finally, a church that is sick and tired of all its parishoners being....ugly? Deformed?

"Take the time to look around and see all the happiness the world has to offer."
submitted by Micah Larsen
Then cling to this world like grim death, as if it is the only thing that can possibly hold meaning in your life.

"See all the happiness the world has to offer": Dontcha think Jesus would have had a much higher quality of life if he had taken this perspective?

"God is good without the extra 'o' "
submitted AND reviewed by Scott Hartman, Sprinfield MO
And Satan is Stan without the extra 'a' .

"Jesus loves you: deal with it."
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
But do not (under any circumstances) allow him to deal with you.

"A strong fish goes against the flow."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
...in order to mate. Is this really the message we want to send to our young people?

Thanks to Micah, coming strong with the first time submissions. I have been working hard on the next phase of this blog, so forgive the increasingly more infrequent updates. I am almost done, and it should all be worth it. :)

Keep 'em coming.

"Good night, Mrs. Witt. We'll see you in the morning."

submitted by Sarah Mitchell. Sign from Lynchburg, VA
Let me know if Mrs. Witt is cooking breakfast, and I'll see her in the morning too.

One can only suppose Mrs. Witt passed away?? Or something?? Boy is that a messed up, confusing sign.

"Sit in demonstration Sunday morning."
submitted by Sarah Mitchell. Sign from Nelson County VA
Can we sue for false advertising if they ask us to stand at any point during the morning service? I imagine some cute punch line delivered Sunday morning: "This morning we are here "demonstrating" our love for Jesus...." Gag.

"You can't stumble when U are on your knees."
submitted by Miss Kitty. Sign from LaGrange, GA (Miss Kitty's blog)
Today's church sign proudly brought to you by Sinead O'Connor.

"Patience: A bitter plant that produces sweet fruit."
submitted by Miss Kitty.
Nothing like a church sign that could be useful for every single denomination, religion, worldview, creed, code, organization, affiliation, political party, or labor union. I guess if a church is out to please everyone, it can't go wrong with something like this.

"If loving Jesus was a crime, would you go to jail?"
submitted by Cindy Tucker. Sign from Fairfield, OH.
Dunno. I hope so. However, if crummy church signs were crimes, I don't think we could come up with cell space in all the jails in the lower 48.

I'm on the road right now, but I think the Map of Cruminess is due an update when I return.

By the way, we are fast approaching our 400th different sign submitted and reviewed. Thanks so much to all of my submitters for making that possible!! Expect some big announcements in the days and weeks to come to celebrate the occasion.

Thanks, keep sending them in.

"Pobody is nerfect"

submitted by Wes Kenney, OK
But just because you're not "nerfect", that doesn't mean you have to completely suck, especially on your church sign for all to see.

And since when are we supposed to celebrate that fact? When Jesus was hanging on the cross do you think He chuckled to himself, "Well, I'm only here because pobody is nerfect!"

Sheesh.

"Some people wear their halos too tight."
submitted by Kyle Evans. Sign from Gadsden, AL
Someone should point out an even bigger problem to this church: Some people wear their halos...period.

"Use your computer for good."
submitted by Kevin Sample. Sign from Columbia, TN
Only as soon as you all stop using your church signs for evil.

Keep 'em coming.

" 'Supper's on' - God"

submitted by Jonathan Smyth, AL
Aw, man....bread and wine AGAIN?!?!

I will ask again: What happens when a hungry person stops by and wants to be fed? I mean, there's advertising and everything.

"God asks for progress not perfection."

submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
"Y'know Adam & Eve, I said not to eat of the fruit of that tree. But since you are making some really nice progress on the garden, I'll let it slide this once."

Keep in touch.

My worship goes all the way to eleven.

"Your level of worship is determined by your level of gratitude."
submitted by Wes Kenney. Sign from Valliant, OK
...not to mention your level of salvation.



(That was sarcasm, for the theologically challenged).

How does one measure "level of worship" anyhow? Volume of sweatdrops (in gallons)? Height (in feet) your hands reach when raised to heaven? Volume of singing (in decibels)? Number of trips to the altar (per month)?

I am also not sure how to measure "levels of crumminess". I just know this one goes all the way to eleven.

More.

"The rabbits foot didn't work for the rabbit."

But a horseshoe definitely worked for me....when I chucked it through your crappy-&%^$ church sign.

Send them here.

Don't "Onto" and "Unto" mean different things, dude?

submitted by Whitney Archer, sign from S. Padre Island, TX
I suppose it could've been worse. I have dark visions of "Jesus hung for you. Will you Hang 10 for Him?"

And check this out: They used an upside-down "M" on "own", and an upside-down "W" on "Him". That's freakin' hilarious.

This marks my first entry from a beach store. Who knew?

"Want a freebie salvation?"
submitted by Utica Chisholm, Charlotte, NC
Want to ask Jesus about "freebie"?

Looks like North Carolina moves up a level on the Map of Crumminess.

Keep 'em coming.

Don't call it a comeback...I've been here for years....

Name another church sign website that quotes LL Cool J. Dare ya.

I missed you guys. Let the reviews commence again!
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submitted by Jennie Sowers, IN
As opposed to living water that keeps you alive. Cool is much better, apparently.

And how about the name of that church? Sounds like a 21-and-older establishment.

Not that I would know.

Keep 'em coming.

Ovila Bezaire, 1923-2006

My grandfather, a kind, caring, gentle, interesting, intelligent, talented, and very private man, passed away this week. (Link to obituary) He was loved dearly, and will be missed by all of the family.

This post is completely off topic for the blog, but I think many of you will find it interesting nonetheless. The charity of Gramps' choice, in lieu of flowers, is the website/project LadyBug Drive For A Cure . This is truly a fascinating story. My uncle, Gramps' youngest son, helped rebuild a fully functional Volkswagen Bug with the body/interior entirely made of wrought iron. For real. Here's a picture, and trust me when I say it's even more stunning in person:











Again, the picture doesn't do it justice, as it is a work of pure art. It really drops jaws everywhere it goes.

Anyhow, the other main builder of the car is taking his entire family on a cross-Canada drive to raise money for Breast Cancer research and awareness. The link above details the itenerary and purpose of the fundraising effort. The project is really starting to gain momentum in Canada and beyond.

I just posted this on here in case some of you have been touched by breast cancer, or cancer of any type and feel led to donate. This type of post will not become habitual on CCS, but I view it as a chance to both honor Gramps' memory and possibly help raise some funds for a worthy (and interesting) cause.

Thanks for reading and, of course, my family covets your prayers at this time.

God bless. My readers rule.

- J.B.

I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat.....

submitted by Jennie Sowers, New Castle, IN
If I guess whatever the heck the sign means, do I win an extra prize? Did we just hang God or something?

"We are a group of down to earth people worshipping our out of this world God."
Attaway to make it not sound at all like Heaven's Gate or something similar.

Keep sending them in.

Knock, knock. Who's There? Satan. Satan Who?

"When Satan knocks at
your door simply say
Jesus would you get
that for me?"
submitted AND reviewed by David Jacks, TX
Oh, and hey, Jesus, while you're up, I could use one of those drinks with the little umbrella in it.

Heh heh. More, please.

"To master temptation, let Christ master you."

submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Good sentiment, but very, very, very strangely phrased.
If I were one of those sign bandits, the ones that drive around and change the letters on signs to say something funny or naughty or dirty....this sign would be an absolute gold mine.

Keep 'em coming.

That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight....

"To really enjoy religion, you must first have it, then use it."
Do we really like the term "religion" nowadays? I thought we dropped that in favor of "relationship". I swear I even cast a vote on it.
And how, exactly, am I supposed to "use it"? Like a hammer? No thanks.

"Marching orders for God."
FOR God? I would like to see the poor sucker who has to deliver those orders.
Once again, problems with the English language rear their ugly heads. Methinks they mean "FROM God." At least I hope for their sake that they do.

Keep 'em coming.

Not technically a church sign, but crummy nonetheless...

submitted by Miss Kitty, GA (Miss Kitty's Blog)
Since the sign is a little blurry, here is what it says: "Believe On Jesus--Read King James Bible--REPENT OR BURN"
No other comment necessary.

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submitted by Miss Kitty, GA
...or Vice Versa?
OK, this sign isn't really "crummy", but I do think limiting the Christian life to the act of forgiveness is a little bit shallow. However, Christianity is all about being forgiven, so maybe a flip-flop of the subject and object are in order. Or just a completely different sign.

"God gave it to us.
Armies fight for it.
Don't lose it."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
OK...God gave us pretty much everything, so that doesn't narrow "it" down.
"Don't lose it" is a pretty general command, so that doesn't help us know what "it" is.
So, we are left with "Armies fight for it". That means the "it" in this sign could mean:
- Helen of Troy.
- Democracy.
-Revenge for the assassination of archduke Franz Ferdinand.
-Halting the spread of communism.
-Religious fanaticism.
-Land.
-Oil.
-States' rights OR emancipation, depending on who you ask.
-Roses. (?)
-The Holy Land.
-Stopping a nutjob from trying to take over the world.
-Freedom.
-Fair representation.
-Making a name for yourself.
-Finishing what your father started.

Yeah, like I thought: not a ton of those that are biblical. Anything to add to that list? Email me and I will add it to the list. The funnier, the better.

Keep sending the signs in.

Soup or salad?

"There are many choices in life. In death, only two."
(Sigh). It's bad when popular crummy church signs (Smoking or Non-Smoking?) don't even need to be completed to be recognized anymore.

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originally posted and submitted by Zach N., Nashville, TN (ZACH's BLOG)
A homosexual agenda? Like this? :

TO DO LIST:
1. Arrange closet according to style and color.
2. Rewatch last night's TIVO-ed episode of "Project: Runway".
3. Target the children of Lowery Freewill Baptist Church.
etc.

OK, look: I'm on very thin ice here, I realize this. I'm going forward anyhow. Let's assume for a moment that most churchgoers feel that homosexuality is a sin, meaning homosexuals are sinners. If you disagree with the premise of that argument that's fine, that's just the place I am starting this discussion because most churchgoers I have encountered do feel that way. SO: most churchgoers feel that homosexuals are sinners. Well, guess what: So is everybody, and homosexuals should be welcomed in a church regardless of whether you feel like they have an agenda or not. All members of the church should be subject to the guidance and/or discipline of the church equally, but one sin is not greater/worse than others. If sinners cannot attend church, where can they go? And who can attend church, then?

Wouldn't you imagine that there are some people in that church who had sex outside of marriage? Probably half the youth group and most of the college crowd, if we were to be honest with ourselves. Well, if you feel that homosexuality is a sin, then those people are committing the same sin as homosexuals: sex outside of marriage. Do you think they put those people on their church sign? ("Your Youth Group is the target of the Horny Agenda.....") Take it one step farther: do you suppose anyone in that church has lusted after someone else? Oh, probably every single member in the last 24 hours. Read Matthew 5:28. Same sin. So, yeah: gay, straight, we pretty much all....stink (Sorry, almost a very poor choice of words, there.) The good news is that grace is offered to all who will receive it, for all manner of sins and shortcomings.

The fact of the matter is that the above church sign is unwelcoming to a certain group of sinners and that makes it way beyond crummy. The fact that they backhandedly implied that the safety of children was at risk makes it all the worse.

I really bent over backwards on this post not to offend anyone on either side of the fence. Please do not read into my personal beliefs on the matter either way...I am a sinner who is saved by grace, no better than anyone else ever born on this planet, and I hope sinners of all kinds come to know the same salvation through Christ.

---------------------------------------------------------

At least I got to flex my smart$^%# muscles on the first sign of this post :)

Keep sending them in.

King of Graffiti Artists

directed by Paul Schafer; sign courtesy KTRK, Houston, TX
Apparently, this is a prank pulled by some Graffiti artists in Houston. (News Story) Good thing, too, because if this was a real advertisement the Southern Baptists would probably boycott Budweiser or something......

To my SBC friends, I kid because I love.

"Faith is the ability to not panic"
submitted AND reviewed by John Allen Bankson, Ruston, LA
And English proficiency is the ability "to not split" an infinitive. Besides, since when is faith "the ability" to do anything?

Bring 'em on.

Those Pesky Prepositions.

"Stand With The Cornerstone"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
With, on. Same...thing?

More.

Rollin' back prices on salvation!

submitted by Nathan Kaminsky
I have already reviewed this one (simply using the title to this post) here but it's soooo bad I feel the need to repost it for those of you who do not frequent the archives. As Nathan said in his email: Worst. Sign. Ever.
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submitted by Jon Hoffman
Then, at 10:31, you can pick it right back up again.
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"Worry is the darkroom where negatives develop"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
So I guess Jesus is the absent minded lab partner who walks in and flips the light on right at the worst possible moment?

(I swear I have reviewed that one before, but I can't find it anywhere. I need a better organization system for the archives. "Chronologically" works for the posts themselves, but I need to figure out a way to organize the old stuff. I digress....)

"Jesus is the life."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I know He said it Himself ("I am the way, the truth, and the life, etc.), but the way this sign is phrased only gives me a mental image of Jesus sipping daiquiris on a remote beach while island girls fan Him with palm fronds ("Ahhhhh...this is the life."). Probably not what this church (or Jesus himself) was going for.

Bring 'em on.

It sucks both coming and going.

submitted by Miss Kitty, GA (Miss Kitty's Blog)
I have a problem with this as a mathematician. The first two measurements are according to distance. The last one is according to time. Bleah. Another problem, according to our intrepid reporter Miss Kitty, is that they got the distances wrong. It's closer to 20 miles to Franklin, GA.
The final problem is that it's just cheesy. "One heartbeat". Gag.

Hit me with 'em.

"Jesus is the light of the world. Not fireworks."

submitted AND reviewed by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL.
I dunno, sounds mighty unpatriotic to me. Probably commies.

"Why pray when you can worry?"
submitted AND reviewed by David Finch, DC
Why eat when you can starve to death?
Why breathe when you can hold your breath and pass out?
Why exercise when you can get fat and die?
Why be sarcastic when you can say nothing?

Sometimes my job is as easy as CTRL-C, CTRL-V

Keep 'em coming

Who knew that they had air conditioning in the dark ages?

"Sunday Service 11:00.
Women should remain silent in church.
Air Conditioned."
submitted by Emily Bezaire. Sign seen in Leamington, Ontario, Canada.
You sort of expect to see this kind of thinking in the deep south...but the deep south of Canada!?!?

I weep for the motherland.....

Saith Emily, the submitter: Upon seeing this I had the overwhelming urge to walk into this church on Sunday and yell, "IT'S HOT AS HELL IN HERE!!!"

I expect the comments section to be a-jumpin' on this post.

Send in your church signs here. (Women are welcomed, also.)

Hey...when you're hot, you're hot.

submitted AND reviewed by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
I believe the reference is, "All who call on the name of the Lord, will be save." That's found in an entirely new book in the Bible. There has always been Revelations. Now to offset unauthorized "pluralism" that is used by so many, another new book: Paul's letter to the Roman. (Joel's note: I wonder which Roman Paul was writing to?)

Rev. Hendrix says that once again, both sides were identical. Also, his church now offers to lend some "D"'s with the original offer of "S"'s.

Send in more church sign here.

Alas, poor readers....

"Saved
Or not saved.
That is the question."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageously bad church signs, or to take arms against a sea of crumminess, and by opposing end them?

"Satan can never knock you farther than your knees."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Try telling that to this guy (the one on the right).


Went a little highbrow on you on that first review, so I had to revert back to my inner 12-year old on the second one to make up for it.

Celebrating my first July 4th as an American citizen tomorrow. Have a good one. Send 'em in.

From the Church of Holy Testosterone....

"Grow To Be A Conqueror"
submitted, reviewed, and post title by David Finch, DC
I can hear the sermon now: "Awwright you Christian maggots! We're gonna take over that adult book store even if it’s the last thing we do! Johnson! Smith! You sweep their left flank! Jackson, give them cover while we take the right flank! COVERING FIRE! MOVE MOVE MOVE . . . WERE GONNA CONQUER THAT STORE!"

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submitted by Rachel, Texas (SpookyRach's Blog)
Burning...like in HELL, sinner!! And apparently, Christ is only strong enough to "maybe" prevent burning. Better get some "fire insurance" too. HAR!

By the way, doesn't the top part of that sign make it look like the Jetson's go to church there? Maybe it's just me.....
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submitted by James, Canada
I have reviewed this one already here, but it's so incredibly bad I like posting pictures of it every time they are sent in.

"God's never 'back in 5 minutes'"
submitted by Jane Kelley, Cincinatti, OH
Yep. He's gone for good.

"Children have more need of models than critics."
submitted by Jane Kelley, Cincinatti, OH
And from the ages of 18-23, I would have voraciously argued that I had more need of a model (or models!) than any child did.

"God so loved the world that He did'nt send a committee."
submitted by Jane Kelley, Cincinatti, OH
I'm guessing the deacon's meeting this week "did'nt" go as smoothly as the pastor had hoped.

And, yeah, Jane made sure to point out that the punctuation on the sign was as it is above. Yipes.

"The building of champions"
So the church softball team had a really good season, I guess?!? I wonder if they poured grape juice on their coach when they won....

Jane also sent a sign in from The Bahamas, but I have already reviewed it somewhere. I will add an international section to the Map of Crumminess, though.

As a matter of fact, the Map of Crumminess has received a thorough update.

Lay 'em on me.

I am thinking of an eighth......

submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore AL

Heh. I am guessing either this guy or this guy put the letters on this sign.

Rev. Hendrix noted that both sides of the sign said exactly the same thing, and that his church would be glad to lend them a couple of "S"'s.

...these crummy church signs Joel hate.

Hit me.

"This may be no bowling alley, but it is a straight and narrow lane."

Mmmm....Lord's supper today was PBR and chili fries.
Good thing the road I was on was also straight, or I might have driven off the road after reading this. It also, I might add, had a picture of a bowling ball knocking over a couple of pins. I may have to go take a picture. Yep...I am. I will post it tomorrow.

I wonder if you have to rent shoes when you enter the sanctuary......

"Do you take after your father?"
submitted by Wes Kenney, OK. Sign from Paris, TX
Does everyone want to take after their father? No, I doubt it. What a stupid sign. Way to remind people of potentially terrible familial relationships and alienate them further from the church. And if they meant "Heavenly Father", perhaps a strategically placed capital letter would help (though, admittedly, not much).

I am guessing this one might get some disagreement from the readers. It doesn't seem that bad on the surface, I will admit it. Picture, however, a young person driving down the road, one whose father was an alcoholic and perhaps abused that person, or abused the mother. An all too unfortnately common scenario in today's culture. Then that person sees that sign. What are they gonna think about that church: Judgemental? Insensitive? Unwise? Irrelevant to their lives? Probably at least one of those, maybe worse.

I am sure their heart was in the right place, but that sign is Way Crummy.

"You too have a marquee - it is your life."
submitted by Wes Kenney from the same church as the previous sign.
And I hope to goodness that you do a better job with it than this church does with its signs.

Your turn.

If only I had known the date beforehand....

submitted by Jon Hoffman. Sign from Athens, GA.
So sorry to get this out one day late. Apparently, this church had yesterday pegged as the day we would all be in over our heads. Oh well. Hope everyone survived.

I'm guessing this is a sermon title or something, but it definitely raises more questions than it answers.

Send 'em in.

Sign For The Dumped.

submitted by Rachel, TX (SpookyRach's Blog)
Yeah, He won't lose any sleep over it. As a matter of fact, He's already over it. You know what? He was gonna dump you anyhow. I even heard He was seeing other people. He has a lot of positive characteristics that are going to be attractive to a lot of people, and if you can't see that, then He doesn't need you. When you get out there and start seeing other people, then you'll see what you're giving up. Then you'll be sorry. You'll come crawling back, but then it will be too late because He will have moved on. Quite honestly, I can't even believe it lasted this long....

This church obviously has no Calvinist tendencies whatsoever.

Notice another upside-down "M" substituting as a "W".

I also think it's funny that this church can't decide which avenue it is located on.

Props to Ben Folds for the inspiration for the post title.

Bring 'em on.

"Out on the limb is where the fruit grows"

submitted by Cheryl and Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I suppose this is encouraging us to go "out on a limb" so we can "get the fruit".....but isn't that what Adam and Eve did?


More! More!

"Increase in Favor and Miracles"

submitted by Wes Kenney, OK. Sign from Mt. Pleasant, TX
It's time for 20 Questions with the author of this sign!

1. Do I get this increase just by driving past this sign?
2. How many times do I have to drive past?
3. Favor with whom?
4. Did you mean "flavor" instead?
5. Can I pick my flavor?
6. Sour Cream 'n Onion?
7. Prailines 'n Cream?
8. Not "Flavor"? Oh. My bad.
9. What category of miracles?
10. Like Water into Wine?
11. Or like the Blessed Virgin in my french toast?
12. 'Cause, quite honestly, I'm not really interested in that last type of miracle.

(SORRY, #12 wasn't a question).

12. How much of an "increase" can I hope for? Greater than 50%?
13. So I actually have to attend the church to get this increase?
14. Oh. Why doesn't it say so on your sign?

(SORRY, #14 wasn't a "yes" or "no" question.)

14. How many times do I need to attend?
15. These miracles and increases are GUARANTEED?
16. What about all those Christians in Africa who are suffering? Did God lie to them?
17. I'm just saying, if Christianity is all about increase and favor and miracles, what about Christians in other parts of the world (or other parts of history) who have suffered? Did God lie to them?
18. Would you like to change your sign now?
19. You were gonna ask me for money when I attended, weren't you?
20. Wouldn't it be a pretty cool miracle if we could change our flavor? Heh heh.

And, my answer upon the conclusion of 20 questions, is that this sign SUCKS.

Keep 'em coming.

"Don't go through life, grow through life."

submitted by David Finch, DC
Yeah, why not? Mikey likes it.

"I was going to waste, but then Jesus recycled me."

submitted by Livvie Bee, Bristol, England (Livvie's blog)
2 Corinthians 5:17: "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation...actually, he is more like a recycled creation, looks new but really made out of the same old material."

Psalm 40:3: "He put a new song in my heart....actually, it was more like a crappy remake of an old classic than a really "new" song, but hey, if we have a computer polish up the crappy parts we can probably sell a few thousand albums or so."

Look, if all Jesus did was recycle me, then he really didn't do a whole &#^% of a lot, did He? If I am recycled it means I made up of the same old sinful parts. I think when Paul says "new creation", he means it.

Most of my reviews don't contain so much "theology" (har), but this sign was bad enough for me to break out the Strong's Concordance. I'll continue with the quick hits next time.

Thanks to Livvie for a submission from somewhere other than the deep American south. This makes the 4th different country with submissions (US, Canada, Australia, England). Maybe it's time to expand the Map of Crumminess?

Keep 'em coming.

Are you saying that it SHOULD be??

both signs submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL















Patriotism gone WAY to far? A nifty craft time for kids? Or a new style of Sunday morning worship? Come to our church and see!
----------------------------------------------
(Same sign, other side)















So, I suppose this is to answer the other side of the sign? Here are my questions:
1. Really, how many people in Alabama can read Hebrew? Not many, until they start printing Hebrew advertisements on NASCAR drivers. (Sorry, Alabama, I would've said the same thing about Tennessee....)
2. Which Jew: Sammy Davis Jr.? Jerry Seinfeld? Or should I just consider "the Jew" in general?

I think the sign says "Jesus is Messiah", but c'mon, couldn't it have been written in English to serve more passers-by? Looks like somebody took a correspondence course and had to show off what he/she learned.

Keep 'em coming.

"Need men of integrity, not popularity"

Please tell me God is not so desperate that He is resorting to personal ads:
"TG seeks N/S N/D MOINP for LTR. "

Anyone caring to guess what the personal ad might stand for can do so in the comments section. I will post my answer later on.

"Come get your freak on for Jesus"

submitted by Wes Kenney, via the Purgatorio website (picture included)
To the pastors of this church, I offer this link: Ouch, betcha wish you knew this beforehand.

---------------------------------------------















submitted by Miss Kitty from Educated and Poor. Sign from LaGrange, GA
Why can't he just send me a note so I can check "yes" or "no", like everyone else does? This sign and sentiment only appeal to kids so young that they can't read yet, so it doesn't really serve a purpose.
----------------------------------------------














submitted by Dave Birdwhistell
You mean hiding in houses, trying to escape persecution from Roman soldiers?
----------------------------------------------

"God is always online, never a busy signal."
submitted AND reviewed by Kelly Quinn
FINALLY! God got DSL.

"Seven days without prayer makes one weak."
submitted AND reviewed by David Finch, DC
And seven words on this church sign make it weak.
(I have already reviewed this sign somewhere on here, but David's is better, so there it is.)

Thanks for your patience waiting for an update, but that first one alone has got to make it worth it!

Keep 'em coming.

Updates begin again next week....

I have received some absolutely horrible signs that I can't wait to review, but I'm on vacation and won't be able to update next week. Keep sending them in, and check in again around the 13th.....

"Be the soul patrol for Jesus"

submitted by Kyle Evans. Sign from Boaz, Alabama
Okay, Jesus! I am ON THE JOB:

Found some soul!

And some more!

Here's more!

This guy's got some serious soul!

However, there is absolutely NO soul to be found here.

Okay, Jesus, you just let me know if you need me to find more soul. I am ON PATROL. Can I get a T-Shirt?


Funny also that Kyle points out the church this came from was Sonrise Baptist. They not only have a Crummy Church Sign, they have a Crummy Church Name.

"You tough enough to show up, we tough enough to tell you the truth."

submitted and reviewed by Kelly Quinn
Apparently, Mr. T. is now Reverend T.

Keep 'em coming

"Jesus is the rock that doesn't roll."

submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Try telling that to these guys.

"You can trust the Bible. Come Sunday and find out how."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Umm....do you think they meant to put "how" at the end of that? Perhaps "why" is what they meant?

"The key to knowing Jesus is...relationship."
submitted by Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
A key to a crummy church sign is....ellipses.
Also, can I get an article in front of relationship, please? A? The? Any?


Also, I have rather reluctantly joined the MySpace community, in case anyone is interested. Mostly, I will use it as a vehicle to subject the world to more of my old band's music. Go listen, download, make friends, play nice. If anyone wants to help me make it not look ridiculous, feel free to contact. Link: http://www.myspace.com/joelbezaire
I will keep it linked on the right also.

Keep 'em coming.

"Join us Sunday: Can't or Won't?

Write a church sign that makes sense: Can't or Won't?



Quick 'n dirty. Keep 'em coming.

Really? You really meant to put that on your sign?

submitted by Jeremy Bedenbaugh, Kirkland, MO (sign from OK)
...then it's hilarious.

Why not just post a giant hand on the front lawn flippin' the bird to people as they drive past? Same effect, much more direct.

Oh, and by the way, regarding the message on the sign.....NO, IT ISN'T.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We use duct tape to fix everything. God used nails."
submitted by Wes Kenney, Hugo, OK
I wish someone in the Oklahoma area would use a sledgehammer to fix everything about these first two signs.

"Commuters: patience is a virtue"
submitted by Betty Churchill, Smyrna, TN
Apparently, this sign was posted in a construction zone on a major thoroughfare. I wonder if road rage has ever carried over from Friday rush hour to a Sunday morning service.......

Keep 'em coming.

"You are ugly. It's OK, God still loves you."

submitted by Kevin Thomas, Pensacola, FL
They are $#@&^-holes. It's OK, God still loves them......


...though they oughta know better.

"Sombody call 911, because this church is on fire."
submitted by Kevin Thomas, Pensacola, FL
Everyone else call 411, because most people aren't gonna get this analogy.

What an off-putting sign to those people seeking and questioning. "Better not go there, they are all on fire."

Crummy Birthdays: The Big 3-0.

Dangit, I'm old. There's just no getting around it anymore.

Here's to 30 more years of being a smart-aleck, wise-acre, or some other not as nice euphamism. Thanks to everyone for helping make the blog a fun, successful, and somewhat therapeutic little venture for me. Keep on reading, and keep on sending them in.

By the way, I have received some submissions lately to signs that I have already reviewed in the archives. Please don't get frustrated if I don't review your sign, it just means I have already done it. Keep sending them in. One of these days I will figure out this whole "interweb" thing and make a website that has them categorized by subject or something. Then it will be easier to find ones I have already done.

The Word: Infallible. This sign, on the other hand.....

submitted by Marty Davis. Sign from Bentonville, AR
-------------------------------
















submitted by Miss Kitty from http://educatedandpoor.blogspot.com
...and Jesus can take the square root of -1.

"If you aren't kind, you aren't the right kind."
sybmitted by Marty Davis. Sign from Townville, SC
If you are kind, however, you're perfect!!

"Supernanny": Join us Sunday, blessing our children.

Why would we ask God to bless our children when we can get "Supernanny"?

"Welcome...with your help we can improve our service to God."
...and folks, if you've heard about us, we desperately need the help.

Keep 'em coming.

"When the age of leaders is over, men will say 'Look at what we have done'"

And when the Age of Elves is over, they shall board the ships bound for the Grey Havens? What is this sign talking about? Anybody?!?

-----------------------------------------------




















submitted by Josh M. Wilmington, NC
This sign has sort of already been reviewed here. This is a little different, though, because it claims that THIS church might be the only one that's a gift from God. Well, good for Wilmington NC to have such a treasure within its borders.

Also, thanks to Josh, this means that North Carolina makes the Map of Crumminess!

Keep 'em coming.

"Do the bad things of the world make you bitter or better?"

submitted AND reviewed by David Jacks, TX
Well, they made Betty Botta's batter bitter until she bought some better butter and put the better butter in her bitter batter and made her bitter batter better.

Can't they do both?


"Nobody can steal your identity in Christ."
submitted by Miss Kitty at http://educatedandpoor.blogspot.com
This sign isn't that bad, but it is pretty misleading. If you are in Christ, your identity is in Him. Period. And THAT identity can never be stolen. Not because it is "your" identity, but because it is Christ's.

Keep the signs coming, and remember to send in the sermon ratings from 2 posts ago.....

Happy Mother's Day, everyone.

"A mother has an endless river of compassion flowing from her heart"
Yeah, why do we need this "Jesus" guy, anyhow?!

"Does it matter what this sign says?"

submitted by Kellaura Johnson, TX
Well, if you have to ask.....

"Need life insurance? This policy will never expire."
submitted by Joe Kennedy at http://www.wordsarenotenough.com
I saved 10% on my life insurance by switching to Jesus.

(Rant warning regarding that last sign): Can we quit cheapening God? The Bible makes it pretty clear that the main benefit of following Christ....is following Christ. Don't focus on the things we avoid, but the things we gain. And I mean eternally gain. Treating salvation as an "insurance policy" cheapens the cross.

(Rant over)

"PG - Parental Guidance"
submitted and asst. reviewed by David Finch, DC
David thinks that if you need to rate the content of the sermon before allowing people in the building, maybe you ought to rethink the content.

However, it's given me a great idea for the next contest.....

Please submit a ratings system for sermons, based on whatever criteria you would like. Here's my example:

(Rating: Meaning)
NY: No Yelling!
VR: Voice Raised.
CH-80: Consistent Hollering (Decibels approaching 80).
SEP: Spittle Emitting Psycho.

There, a ratings system for the volume of sermons. For example, a calm, meek delivery will get a sermon rated a nice, family friendly NY. Most television preachers would receive an SEP warning in the corner of the screen. Send yours in here, I will post the best ones.

Keep the signs coming, too.

"When your life needs rebooting, remember Jesus SAVES."

submitted by Elizabeth Stewart, Decatur, GA. Sign seen in Kelowna, BC
Yeah, and don't let Satan show you the BSOD.

"The eternal burn ban is not in effect either."
submitted by Hannah Barton, Tulsa, OK
Regional crumminess! Apparently in Oklahoma, they put "burn bans" in effect when the weather is dry, so as not to set the whole state on fire. I guess with some recent wet weather, they have lifted the "burn ban".
Somehow I have a little more respect for God than to equate him with Fire Marshall Bill. And I am still, after all these years, fairly certain that the way to lure new churchgoers has nothing to do with threatening them with a fiery eternity if they don't attend. We wouldn't put that on a church brochure or website, so let's leave it off our signs (which are seen by more people, by the way).

Keep 'em coming.

"Sermon this Sunday: Da Bible or DaVinci?"

submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
...including a special offertory featuring "Da Brat" performing her unique rendition of "In Da Garden".

I'm sure this is the first of dozens of church signs that will spring up over the next couple of weeks referencing the new DaVinci code movie. There is a GREAT interview with pastor/theologian Brian McLaren on www.sojo.org. In it he gives a terrific analysis of the book, movie, the culture's reaction, the church's reaction, and what SHOULD be the church's reaction. Go to www.sojo.org and click on the link for the McLaren interview. It requires registration, but it's worth it. As the author of this church sign might say........it's da bomb.

Keep 'em coming.

"Is your home on the rocks or on the Rock?"

submitted AND reviewed by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Actually, I prefer my home straight up, with a twist.

To be a Masterpiece of crumminess, the other side of this sign would have had to have said "Jesus' love will leave you shaken AND stirred." Or something like that.

Keep 'em coming.

No wonder they're always so snotty.

both pictures submitted by Miss Kitty at http://educatedandpoor.blogspot.com

Notice that they used an upside-down "M" to represent an "W"....not only on the "message", but on the painted part of the sign! HAR!

-----------------------------------------------------------

I've already reviewed this next sign here. This is just proof it exists. Sadly.

Ye's He Doe's!

all signs this time submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
-----------------------------------------------
















Did I miss the Holy Ghost's birthday again?!?!? Man, I will NEVER remember!

I really hope they didn't try a surprise party for him. Probably not a lot of success there.

---------------------------------------------




























What's the purpose behind putting half of the quote on one side, then the other half on the other? What if I only see the second side? "Until Ye Realize He is Alive"....yes, very meaningful in that context.

And what of the person who realizes that both sides are necessary for the "full message"? Who is responsible when they cross 4 lanes of traffic while looking over their shoulder to read the other side? Ye will certainly live as though ye are dead when ye hit a semi truck head-on.

"It wasn't the apple; it was the pair."

submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Oh, those two! Original sin can be so cute if you put the right spin on it!

"Doubt and do without. Believe and receive."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Nothing like giving people a realistic vision of Christ's providence. And this is nothing like it.

"Kind words make happy echoes."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Maybe we can combine the Lord's supper with fortune cookies....our wafers can have little slips of paper with "wise" sayings like this. Sadly, I could probably make a killing with that idea.

"Church is a gift from God: some assembly is required."
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
...and batteries are not included? Offer not valid in Alaska and Hawaii?

"Rabies clinic: 10 AM"
submitted by Emily Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Is there really NOTHING more important going on in the life of this church?!?

"Wake up call! This Saturday at 7:30 and 9:30"
submitted by David Finch, DC
Turn down service is also available. And they leave a nice mint on your pew on Sunday morning.

"Be encouraged and be an encourager!"
submitted AND asst. reviewed by David Finch, DC
Taken from the book Suicide Counseling for Dummies.

"You can't hide from God by not coming to church."
submitted AND asst. reviewed by David Jacks, TX
Yep. He will pretty much hunt you down and get you. Sucka.

"God replaces the lazy with the diligent"
submitted by Miss Kitty at http://educatedandpoor.blogspot.com
Really? If only Pat Robertson would start to slack a little.....

"Determination is the key to success"
submitted by David Finch, DC
WHAT!?!? On a CHURCH sign? What Bible does this guy preach from? I am tempted to give a few Bible verses that refute this, but you can pretty much just open it up anywhere and start reading. You'll get there soon enough.
If you don't know what I'm talking about: According to Christianity, the key to success is relying on the work of Christ on the cross and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. A little idea called "faith". Not this "determination" bullcrap.
EXAMPLE: I could be determined to dance ballet. I will never make it. I have all the coordination of a drunk, vertiginous giraffe. I'm sure everyone out there has an example as well.

Wow, that's awful. Maryland just made it to orange on the Map of Crumminess (link to the right) with that one. And red isn't far behind.

------------------------------------

I could probably start a blog on Crummy "Christian Band" Names as well. I don't have the time, but I do feel the need to share this one that my sister submitted: "Eve's Hero" Take a second and ponder on what they could possibly mean by that.........


Thanks for all the submissions! Keep sending them in!

New Feature: The Map of Crumminess!

As a new feature to "Crummy Church Signs", I have created the Map of Crumminess. It tracks, through a very scientific process, the frequency at which I receive submissions from different locations around the United States and the world.

If you live in a blank state, that means I haven't received any crummy church signs from that state. So....either they aren't there OR you need to get off your duffs and send them in!!!!

I will keep the map bookmarked on the right-hand menu on this page...check back often!

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture?

submitted by Jennie Sowers, IN
Jennie says this sign had incorrect spelling on it for 3 weeks. That's dedication to a cause, right there.

"Easter is a joke on the devil. Ha!"
submitted by John Allen Bankson, Ruston LA
God must be one committed prankster, sending his Son to die for a punch line.

"A cheerful friend is like a sunny day"
submitted by Nickie Albert, Mobile AL ('sup, fellow Belhaven Blazer!!)
So...a cheerful friend can burn you?
A cheerful friend makes you sweat?
Huh?

"God's will is our peace."
submitted by Nickie Albert, Mobile, AL
This could mean so many things (most of them wrong):
Peace as in "happiness": Uh, no.
Peace as in "peace of mind": Doubt it.
Peace as in "comfort": Not so much.
Peace as in "not going to war": I might buy that.
Peace as in "not at war with God any more": Sure.

"God deserves your attention"
submitted AND reviewed by David Finch, DC
I don't recall that verse in the Bible: "Be ye holy, as I am holy. And stand up straight and pay attention when I'm talking to you, son!" Does He want us to salute as well?

"Your destiny is determined by a choice, not chance."
Gee, thanks, Uncle Ben. Or was that Jor-El? Or did Professor X say that?
Where exactly does the Book of Stan Lee fall in the canon, again? Is it before or after Galatians?

Thanks to Nickie, first time submitter, friend of my sister, and fellow Belhaven grad. Glad you found the site.

Keep 'em coming, everyone.

"We stand on the Rock, not sing it"

submitted by Sara Fisher, Cedar Springs, MI
But Petra did BOTH.




(1990, Beyond Belief album, track 2....don't EVEN mess with that.)

Thanks to Sara, first time submitter!
------------------------------------------------

We also have a couple of "winners" to announce.

First of all, best made-up Beatitude comes from David Finch in Washington DC:

"Blessed are the blind for they do not have to witness stupid church signs"

And the best Resurrection Cheer comes from the Anonymous poster in the comments section (and it made me laugh out loud):

"Rah rah! Hey hey!
Who's been disinterred today?
It's Jesus....clap, clap....it's Jesus!

Step forth and claim your glory, Anonymous Poster!

Keep 'em coming

From the upcoming sequel "How the Grinch Stole Easter".......

submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Does anybody know how a "Resurrection Cheer" goes?

Is it.....

"Stopping Satan's Insurrection,
Is Jesus' Third Day Resurrection!"

or is it...

"One, two, three, four!
Who's not buried anymore?
It's Jesus.....(clap, clap)....it's Jesus.......(clap, clap)......"

I can picture it, complete with middle school cheerleaders and some sort of clumsy human pyramid (or worse yet, a cross).



I will take suggestions for other "Resurrection Cheers" as well....and I am still taking Beatitudes from a couple of weeks ago.

Send 'em in.

Talk about taking church discipline a little too far....

"Live drive-thru crucifixion. March 31-April 1, 7-9 PM"
submitted and asst. reviewed by John Allen Bankson, Ruston, LA
All the convenience of a regular crucifixion, and you don't even have to leave your car!

"Are we there yet?"
submitted and asst. reviewed by David Finch, DC
Well if they don't know, then what hope do the rest of us have?

"Join us on our journey to eternity"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
I have an idea...maybe they could make it sound a little less like they are going to hitch a ride on the next comet that passes through the system.

"The Bible. What if it is true!"
submitted by David Jacks, TX
Punctuation. What if we used it correctly!

"Closed."
submitted by David Jacks, TX
Pretty much the ultimate crummy church sign.


----------------------------------------------

Hey kids, if you're going to send a picture with your sign submission, make sure that YOU TOOK THE PICTURE, that you didn't borrow it from some other website.

Please don't use other people's stuff without permission. It makes me look crummy too.

Next thing you know, you'll start saying they should have their own schools!

submitted and asst. reviewed by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
...thereby converting the entire Dental Care community of Escambia county to the Baptist denomination. All 10 of them. And for all the right reasons.

This sign has inspired me....
E-mail me your made-up beatitudes here, and I will post the best ones some time next week. Let's rewrite chapter 5 of Matthew. Surely we can do better than some "tax collector"!


Also, keep the crumminess coming.

Can He hear you now?

submitted and reviewed by Rachel Petty
Add either eternal life or a flip phone for $29.99!

"March Madness is more than just about basketball. Come in on Sunday and learn more."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Jennie Sowers, New Castle, IN
Yes, let's endear ourselves to Hoosier country by slamming March Madness. Pun intended. While we're at it, let's go to Canada and pee in the Stanley Cup.
And what "madness" will occur on Sunday? Snake handling?

"All flesh is as grass.
I Pe 2:24"
submitted and asst. reviewed by Jennie Sowers, New Castle, IN
Can somebody buy this church a "t" so they can finish their "First Peter" reference? This is the second time.....
Also, some context for the Bible verse would be nice. Are we supposed to fertilize our flesh? Or trim it?

"Breathe in God's Spirit, exhale God's love."
submitted by Jennie Sowers, New Castle, IN
Yep, knock 'em out with secondhand love.

"He who sees the invisible can do the impossible."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
The kid from The Sixth Sense can help me win a March Madness bracket challenge? I'll keep that in mind for next year.

"Enjoy today, compliments of God."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
First one's free, kids. After that.....

"Don't let yesterday use up today"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Daylight Savings somehow rears its ugly head again.

And finally, I feel compelled to review a couple of the signs from the Washington Post article (see previous post).

"Jesus turned water into wine, but He can't turn whining into anything."
So would you quit coming to Him with all your problems, already?! Sheesh!

"What caterpillars call the end, God calls a butterfly."
So completely withdraw yourself from your life for a period of time, and God will work a miracle? Really?

Thanks to Rachel for the picture, and Jennie and Jennifer for the submissions. Rev. Hendrix also sent me a GREAT picture, but all of a sudden I can't upload pictures. I will get it up when I figure out what's wrong. It's a doozy.

Keep 'em coming.

I didn't quite make the cut...

Check out this article about church signs by Washington Post writer Chris Davenport. We had a nice conversation on the topic, but I really didn't say anything profound enough to make the final draft. To my long-time readers: Shocking, I know. Regardless, it's a well-written and well-balanced article that shows both sides to church signs. Enjoy.

Keep sending in the crummy ones.

"New Challenges, tomorrow 7:00 - 9:00"

submitted and asst. reviewed by David Finch, DC
Matthew 11:28: "Come to me, all ye who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you New Challenges."

"Exciting Kids Worship"
submitted by Angie Dishman
I would be curious to see what ANY kind of kids' worship looks like, let alone the "exciting" kind. Do they have them on pedestals, or what?
By the way, in my real-life job as a teacher, I have met some parents who must be members of this church.

"Have U talked 2 Jesus today?"
OMG! Have U? ROTFLOL!

WTF......



"Extreme Soul Makeover available inside"
submitted by David Jacks, TX
I wonder if the Pastor delivers the sermon yelling through a megaphone.

"Closer to shepherd, further from wolves."
...and closer to the sheepdogs, which (in this analogy) isn't always a good thing.

"We plan on being generous as soon as we have more than enough for ourselves."

Well...... at least they're honest, though not necessarily refreshingly honest. Yikes.

Note: I really did see that sign today. Verbatim. I think they were trying to be smart-alecky, but man, did it not come across that way.

"Let go of the old and hold on to the new."
submitted AND reviewed by David Finch, DC
...and other things that shouldn't be said during marriage counseling.

"God wants us to read Psalms, not palms."
submitted by David Jacks, Texas
And He wants us to read Leviticus, not.............uh..............er..............never mind.

"We believe in prayer requests!"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
"We believe in the Great One, the Next One...and we believe in hockey!"

Shouldn't they believe in the One who answers prayer requests, not the requests themselves?

"Daily prayer will diminish your cares."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And just think...it could have really rhymed if they had just pluralized "prayer". And THAT would have made is so much better.

Keep 'em coming.

"Listen, just listen!"

*crickets*












"Don't let your yesterday destroy your today."
this one and the last one submitted by David Finch, Washington, DC
Because yesterday, there was so many things I was never told? And now that I'm starting to learn, I feel I'm growing old? Because yesterday's got nothing for me?

"God forgives sincere confession."
submitted and asst. reviewed by Kelly Quinn
He prefers the insincere ones, but He is willing to make exceptions.

"Doing flows from our being."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Coincidentally, this is also the punch line to a really filthy Chinese joke.

"You are not too bad to come in. You are not too good to stay out."
submitted by Kathy Treadway
Isn't the whole premise of Christianity the fact that you are too bad to come in yet not too good to stay out? Remember...only through Christ, people.

"He who rows the boat doesn't have the time to rock it."
Yeah, take THAT, God!



In some cool news, another major metropolitan newspaper is writing an article on church signs and sought me out for some of my input. (I was quoted in the Baltimore Sun in early 2000, though this copy of the article left out everything I had to say). Stay tuned for when and where to find the article!

Keep the crumminess coming!

"Step up and in to God's promises. This Friday from 7:30 to 9:00"

submitted and reviewed by David Finch, Washington DC
Sounds like an aerobics class . . . then push and hold and breathe, now step down and out of God's promises, release, exhale . . . good, keep going ladies only one more rep!

Some of you guys are aiming to put me out of business....many of the reader-submitted reviews have been stellar as of late.

A word of warning...the money's not so good.


Keep 'em coming!

"God + you = a majority"

submitted by Nathan Kaminsky, Joplin, MO
Ladies and gentlemen, our President's theology in a nutshell.

"Jesus loves you where you like it or not"
submitted and reviewed by Nathan Kaminsky, Joplin, MO
There are some distinct disadvantages to having your youth pastor arrange the letters on the sign.

"Church shopping? We're open Sundays."
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
And this Sunday only...HALF OFF of SALVATION. Yes, at this week's services, Jesus was only HURT for your sins!! Bring a friend for double the savings!

"A warm church, like warm butter, will spread."
Malaria spreads too.

"If Jesus returns this Sunday where will He find you?"
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
This church has apparently unearthed some heretofore unknown document that establishes Jesus' second coming as happening on a Sunday. Who knew?

Keep sending them in!

"Little sins grow up fast"

submitted by Kathy Treadway, Wilmington, OH
And they're so cute when they're young.....

"Wisdom is the reward for keeping silent"
submitted by Kathy Treadway, Wilmington, OH
And yet they feel compelled to spout off on their church sign.....

"Are you a reprobate?
II Corinthians 13:5"
submitted by J.T., Bryantsville, KY
If someone sees this on a church sign, please tack a note to their front door that reads:
"Are you a Pharisee?
Matthew 23"

"God may say wait, but He never says worry"
submitted by David Finch
And he may say "no". Why does no church sign I have ever seen acknowledge this?

"Nothing ruins the truth like streching it"
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Nothing ruins the point of a sign like misspeling it.

"Without the Bread of Life, you're toast."
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
With the Bread of Life, you are simply good for sandwiches.

"Path to Perversion"

submitted by Jeff Keezel, Richmond, VA
Part of an ongoing series, including "Road to Wrath", "Gateway to Gluttony", and the ever popular "Launchpad to Lust".
I wonder what the clientele at this church looks like on any given Sunday?

"Man can have a new life & heart w/o a new head"
submitted by Rev. Arnold Hendrix, Atmore, AL
Most of the church signs on this website imply that once someone becomes a Christian, their brains fall out of their heads and they become stupid. This one comes right out and says it. C'mon, people......

"A shut mouth gathers no foot."
submitted by Mondo Davis, Monterey, CA
Yeah, that's pretty much how Jesus went about things.

"To belittle is to be little."
submitted by Mondo Davis, Monterey, CA
If that is true, then this website makes me very, very, very small.

"Jesus said, 'Follow me'. Directions inside"
submitted by Jennifer Bezaire, Smyrna, TN
Directions inside, or anywhere one can find a Bible.

Thanks, all. Keep 'em coming!!